//------------------------------// // Lyra // Story: Ponyville confessions // by Lunaexcelsior //------------------------------// So I am sitting there, tending bar, when in comes somepony, I’ve seen a lot around these part. Now Lyra usually comes in as a ‘package deal’, if you will, with Bon Bon. I mean those two are damn near inseparable. Heck, I’ve seen Siamese Twins less conjoined then those two. Anyway she walks in, and as she sits down, I notice something strange about her. She didn’t come alone. Instead, next to her was this large bloke with two back legs and two, as she called them, ‘arms’. Now, I’ve heard about these things called humans, but I have never actually seen one in Ponyville. It was actually quite fascinating if I’m honest. Not to mention he and Lyra were going all out. They were calling each other pet names like, ‘honeybun’ and ‘cootsy pie’. It was actually rather painful to watch. So they sat there and I asked “What’ll it be?” “Oh I’ll have what my schnikerdoodle is having”, the human said. “No no, I’ll have what you’re having, my lovely pasty muffin”, Lyra said. Well I couldn’t take it anymore so I just poured them both a nice cold beer and let them be. The two then continued to coo over one another for quite some time, before the human said he needed to go to the stall. As Lyra was left alone she sighed in happiness. “Oi, Ms. Heartstring”, I said, “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but how come you two are together?” True, I could’ve formulated that better, but hey, what can I say? I am a straight forward man. She looked at me with starry eyes and said “Isn’t he just wonderful?” “I guess”, I replied, “but how did you two meet’” “Oh we met over a dating site”, Lyra responded, “Meetnewhumans.com. It is the best site to find true interspecies love”. “But isn’t that kinda weird? I mean surely there are stallions here that attract more than he does? Or even mares for that matter?” I said, trying to understand. “I tried dating stallions”, Lyra responded, “but it always ends horribly. I am always the one who has to suffer after they cheat on me! Well I won’t be any more”, Lyra said. “But how do you know he isn’t going to cheat on you?” I asked, still a bit baffled by her response. “Because humans are confided to one mare only”, she said, “ I read all about it”. And as she said that, I glance over at the table across and lo and behold who do I see? That human Lyra brought in here, fawning over some mare. “Well so much for that theory”, I said to Lyra. “What do you mean?’” Lyra asked. I pointed to the guy striking out with one of the mares. I think that, in that one particular moment, I could have seen pure hellfire flaming out of the green mare’s eyes. She looked like she had the rabies, complete with foaming at the mouth. "Could you excuse for one tinsy moment?" Lyra said sweetly. What happened next was just brutal, I can tell you that. Lyra walked up to the guy and kneeled him, right in to the crotch. The guy fell down, whimpering in pain, but she wasn’t done yet. She began to stomp on his testicles as hard as she can, pretty much turning them into mush, by the time she was done with him. I think that at one point, I actually saw her jumping on his crotch like it was a trampoline. As the guy lied down in pain, Lyra walked up to me and paid for the beer. “So, I guess you’re done dating humans?” I asked. “I’ll see”, Lyra replied, “but first I have to make a few complaints to a certain book company”. And with that she was out. The medics later stitched up the guy and sent him home. They said he’ll be fine, although he shouldn’t hope to be a father. Yeah that dream was long gone. I like to think that Lyra learned an important lesson about humans that day. Well i'd like to think that, but last I saw she was dating another one just a few weeks after. May Celestia and Luna have mercy on his poor soul if he ever cheats that mare. You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.