//------------------------------// // Departure and Arrival // Story: A Busman's Holiday // by Parchment_Scroll //------------------------------// A Busman's Holiday Departure and Arrival In which Deft Hoof used to be a burglar, until he took a pony to the head... We took our time heading up to the throne room, arguing good-naturedly the whole way. "I still don't see why you couldn't have picked someone..." Shining Armor struggled to find a tactful way of saying it, so I just cut to the chase. "Older?" "Well, yes." I laughed. "Oh, yeah, that would go over well. 'Hi, I'm Deft Hoof, the Eye of the Moon. The big guy behind me with the mustache? That's my apprentice. Yes, he's a year older than me. He's a little slow.'" Shiny rolled his eyes. "I just don't see how you jumped from 'find somepony to fill in while you're gone' to 'get an apprentice.'" I sighed, frowning slightly, then scrambled up to a chandelier totally to focus his attention on me and not at all because he was walking too slow and I was getting bored. Honest. Hanging upside down from the chandelier by my back knees literally turned my frown upside-down, and I grinned. "Come on, Shiny. The whole point of the Eye of the Moon is that nopony's supposed to know about him. Or her. Or it. Oooh! This one time, it was twins, so him, her, it, or them!" "Nopony except the Princesses, the Night Guard, and a whole slew of advisors, servants, and other ponies," he objected. "Who will never say a word to anypony," I pointed out. "And since I make sure to steer clear of the ones who can't lie well, the secret is safe!" "You can't know they won't talk." I dropped to the floor and fell in beside him again. "Can too," I said. "Because everypony who knows swears an oath to keep the secret. You swore in that waitress, didn't you?" "Well, yes, but..." I grinned. "And she will never tell a soul," I said confidently. "There are only five ponies allowed to tell anypony: the Princesses, the Captain of the Royal Canterlot Guard (that's you)..." "I know that's me." "...and the Eye of the Moon," I said, climbing onto a wall sconce to pose dramatically. "And that's me!" "And that's only four ponies," Shiny pointed out. "Who's the fifth?" "Technically, the apprentice to the Eye of the Moon is also the Eye of the Moon. Everypony has two eyes, right?" I nodded, answering my own question. "Right. Well, barring horrible accidents and such." "But what about the rest?" he persisted. "How do you know they won't talk?" I groaned. "It's all wrapped up in smart pony stuff," I admitted. "I'm not real good at that kind of stuff, but basically it comes down to all ponies being fairly decent when you get down to it or something, and the oath uses that to make it so they can't talk? I really don't get how it works, but it does." "That can't be right," Shiny complained. Whine whine whine. "If everypony was decent, we wouldn't need guards, and I'd be out of a job. I mean, what about that pony last month, the loan shark?" "Really really really really really deep down," I said. "Like, if his mom missed a payment, he'd only have her roughed up a little bit." "Ah," Shiny said with a derisive snort. "A real ponytarian then. Okay, well if the oath is so unbreakable, why not just swear in somepony with some experience?" "First off," I said, "Shorty's got a lot more experience than you probably even want to think about. Second, just because the oath's unbreakable doesn't mean I want people in the Life to have the info. Even if they can't tell anypony, they can still make it hard for me to do business. Third, I think you'd be better off asking a smart pony about all this stuff, since it's all magical and junk." "What, just find the smartest pony I can and ask them?" "Well, yeah!" I said with a grin. "I mean, if you can't trust your family, who can you trust?" He stopped short, and it took me a moment to realize I'd gotten ahead of him again. "Hay," I said. "You coming, or not?" "Hold on," he said. "You want me to ask Twilight about this? You want me to, what, swear her in so I can tell her one of my best friends is an infamous thief?" I shrugged. "Whether you tell her enough to swear her in is your call. I mean, on the one hoof, she's Princess Celestia's Most Faithful Student, bearer of the Element of Magic, and Heroine of the Realm three times over. On the other hoof, I don't know if she can keep a secret." "You just said the oath was magic." "Have you ever seen somepony who can't keep a secret when they were trying to?" "Ah." He nodded. "I see your point. I'll have to think about how much to tell her. I've always felt bad about keeping secrets from her." "Well," I said, "think about it later. Right now, I'm missing the fun! I want to see the look on your face when we get there and Shorty's still on the loose." I broke into a canter, leading the way to the throne room and laughing. "No way!" Shiny was hot on my heels. "He's just a colt, and I've got ten of my best ponies in there tonight." "Five bits says they ain't got him yet." "You're on!" With that, we broke into a gallop. We could hear the throne room before we came within sight of the doors. It sounded like this: CRASH tinkle tinkle "THAT BUST WAS A GIFT TO OUR SISTER!" atonal piano sounds "THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT AN EXPENSIVE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT!" muffled thuds "NOT THE STATUE!" ENORMOUS CRASH "STOP CROWDING EACH OTHER! ARE YOU GUARDSPONIES OR HOOFBALL PLAYERS?!" I giggled. "You owe me five bits!" I called back to Shiny, then galloped towards the throne room at full tilt. Shiny stumbled a bit in surprise. "Defty, what in the hay are you doing?" "I can't let him have all the fun! I wanna play, too!" With that, I burst into the throne room, adding my own presence to an already chaotic situation. Shorty had climbed up on top of a stylized ebony statue of Princess Luna, which apart from color was an exact match for the statues of Princess Celestia one can find all over the palace. Briefly, I wondered what it was doing there, as I knew the princess loathed it. More importantly, though, the statue was surrounded by a group of eight guardponies - an even split of unicorn and earth ponies - and was wobbling slightly. The other two ponies, both pegasi, were in the process of extricating themselves from a tapestry I'd also never seen in the throne room before. Apparently Shorty had dropped the tapestry on them in order to maintain the high ground. I couldn't have been prouder if I'd trained him myself. Also, I began to realize that Princess Luna had set the throne room up specifically for the Stealing the Moon rite. Shorty was doing fantastically. "Shorty!" I called out to him. "Shining Armor's right on my heels! Toss me the crown and get out of here!" He didn't hesitate. He just cocked his head back and flung the crown at me as hard as he could. I had to jump to catch it, but I couldn't fault him for overshooting under the circumstances. As soon as I had the crown, all eyes were on me, except for his, Princess Luna's, and Shiny's. Well, and mine, of course. I had my eye on the statue of Princess Celestia opposite the Luna statue Shorty was on. The wobbly Luna statue... I began to get an idea, based on a story I'd heard after the last Grand Galloping Gala. Before I could put the nebulous plan into action, Shorty's voice cried out from just outside the throne room door. "I'm pinched! Run for it, Deft Hoof!" I looked over at the door, where an annoyed looking Shining Armor came trotting back into the room. Behind him, suspended in midair in one of Shiny's force-fields, was a frightened but determined Short Shanks. Shiny glared at me, mouthing the words 'I want to play too?!' I shrugged. With the culprit caught, all eyes fell on me. The guards, having experienced my antics in the past, eyed me warily, unsure if the chase was over. I briefly considered making a break for it, which would technically make Shorty the first to successfully Steal the Moon since the legendary Midnight Shadow all those hundreds of years ago. The look in Shiny's eyes promised humiliations beyond imagining if I tried it, however. I trotted towards Princess Luna, head held high, and, laying the crown at her hooves, knelt before her. Behind me, I could hear jaws dropping. Shorty no doubt felt betrayed by this turn of events - I had when it had happened to me - and everypony else (apart from the Princess herself) was doubtless shocked to see me behaving so formally. But, as I'd explained to Shiny, Stealing the Moon was an ancient, sacred tradition, and although mostly it was anything but solemn, it had its moments. Two of them. This was the first, but not the most important one. "My Princess," I said, "I present to you Short Shanks of the Lost Colts of Canterlot, in the hope that he meets Your approval for apprenticeship to the Eye of the Moon." Shining Armor deposited Shorty on his hooves beside me, then took up a position behind the foal in case he bolted. While he'd never participated in the ritual before, he was a quick study and had done it exactly right. Shorty trembled in unabashed terror. I remembered that feeling all too well from my own time in his horseshoes. "What are you waiting for?" I whispered to him. "Go give your Princess her crown back!" He swallowed his fear, along with the lump in his throat, then delicately picked up the crown in his teeth. He was hesitant at first, his knees wobbling like pudding - I wondered idly if there would be pudding available from the kitchens - but he made his way up to the throne. When he couldn't fight the terrified clenching of his jaw to release the crown, Princess Luna was forced to pull it out of his mouth with her magic, startling a whinney from the young colt. As soon as she had the crown, which she floated up gracefully to rest before her horn as usual with dignified silence, Shorty's nerve failed him and he scrambled back to hide behind me. The Princess indicated the carnage with an inclusive wave of her wing. "Approve?" she said. "You wish to know if We approve?" Oh, no, I thought. You're not baiting me. You know darned well he's perfect for the post. I kept my expression neutral. "Yes, Your Highness," was all I said. She grinned. "That was one of the more successful attempts at Stealing the Moon in... well... let Us just say quite a long time, and leave it at that. Of course We approve!" Her expression darkened slightly. "It grieves Us that We had to force your hoof in this, Deft Hoof. Also, that you arrived when you did. A few moments more, and that accursed statue would have been fit for the rockery it deserves." She shrugged, then fixed her imposing gaze on the trembling foal behind me. "Short Shanks, stand forth!" He swallowed another lump in his throat, then moved out from behind me. "I presume nopony has told you why you are here tonight." "No, yer Majersty," Shorty said, his accent thickening as he grew more nervous. "On'y Deft 'Oof sez 'e as a job fer me, Business-like, an' I asked 'im if it were a big job an' 'e sez it was the biggest." He looked at me, then back at the Princess. "So that... wot, woz that a joke on me?" "It was no joke," the Princess answered. "Deft Hoof, as Our Eye, has the biggest job of any thief in Equestria. He has chosen you to succeed him, and judging by your performance tonight, both with regards to the theft itself and your concern for your collaborator, he has chosen well. If you accept this position, you will swear Oath to me by the Elements of Harmony, and you will from that point forward be Deft Hoof's apprentice and an Eye of the Moon in your own right." Shorty nodded. "Begging your Highness's pardon," he said, "but what about me Colts?" "That," she said, "would be between yourself and Deft Hoof." I shook my head. "I'd like him to continue keeping an eye on them," I said. "If he were to distance himself, they'd start asking questions, and I've noticed he takes a sort of older brother role to them anyway, which is good for them." The Princess nodded. "Indeed," she said. "So, Short Shanks, knowing that by doing so you will one day be responsible for the care and oversight of ponies like yourself, will you take Oath as Our Eye and begin your apprenticeship under Deft Hoof?" Shorty grinned. "Sounds a treat, Yer Highness." She blinked. "Is that a yes?" I laughed. "That's a yes, Your Highness." "Then, repeat after me: I, Short Shanks..." "Um, begging your Highness' pardon," interrupted Shiny, "but I'm sure Short Shanks isn't his real name." The Princess looked taken aback. "Deft Hoof, have you never told Captain Shining Armor about this rite?" I shook my head. "In that case," she said, "know this, Shining Armor: the name used in the oath is the name by which the pony is known among the street ponies he or she moves among. It is more meaningful, and the oath more binding, that way." Shorty nodded, and began to recite the oath, line by line: "I, Short Shanks... "...swear by the Elements of Harmony... "...that I will protect the ponies of Equestria... "...the nation of Equestria... "...and the Princess of the Night... "...and that while the methods used may be considered by some underhoofed... "...I will not shirk from my duties. "While I will not falter... "...neither will I needlessly risk myself. "I will protect the secret... "...of the Eyes of the Moon... "...only disclosing it to those chosen... "...by the Sun, the Moon, or Their Eyes. "All this I swear by the Elements of Harmony." He didn't falter. He didn't stammer, or trip over any of the words. I was so proud. "Then We accept you as Eye of the Moon," said Princess Luna. "From this point forward, Short Shanks, you will be apprentice to Deft Hoof in all matters regarding the position. He is to be your Master in all regards until such time as you are ready to claim Mastery yourself." Shorty nodded, beaming with pride, and as he did, I caught a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As the solemn parts of the ceremony were over, I jabbed Shiny in the ribs. "Hey, Shiny," I said. "What?" he hissed. "Remember when I said 'let's go scare the cutie mark onto my new apprentice'?" He looked at Short Shanks and broke into a startled laugh. Princess Luna, no doubt feeling left out by this exchange, stomped a hoof. "Well?" she bellowed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Did We not order the kitchens to prepare a festive feast? We demand cake! And punch!" "And pudding!" I piped up. Everypony looked at me. "You heard the Princess," snapped Shining Armor. "You four," he said to the earth pony guards, "get down to the kitchens and bring back that food!" They snapped off salutes and scrambled for the door. "And make sure the cake has the colt's cutie mark on it!" Short Shanks blinked, then turned around to stare at the picture adorning his flank: A crescent moon framed by a stone arch window. He grinned even wider, and kept touching his flank, as though expecting the mark to vanish. "And you," Shiny said to the two pegasi, "get this mess cleaned up! How can we have a party if the room is already a wreck?" The pegasi and unicorns turned to the task, but Shiny wasn't done. "Not you four," he said. "Parties are for ponies who do their best. Short Shanks gets to party. The Princess gets to party. Deft Hoof and I get to party. You four get to stand guard outside." He rolled his eyes. "And while you are out there, I want you to spend the time reciting 'I am a unicorn, and my horn is not for ramming' until I tell you to stop!" The unicorns, looking a little mutinous, headed outside. "Isn't that a little harsh?" I asked. "You heard the Princess," he said. "They're guardponies, not hoofball players." I frowned, and he sighed. "I'll save them some cake, all right? But not an edge piece. They don't get extra frosting." "Not a cutie mark piece either, eh?" suggested Shorty. "Of course not," said Shiny, patting him on the back. To Short Shanks' credit, he only flinched a little. "Those are all yours." Princess Luna grinned. "Ah, I do love a good party," she said. "A chance to let my mane down and just spend time with my little ponies. But as your time in Canterlot is limited, Deft Hoof, shouldn't you spend some of it teaching your apprentice?" I nodded. "Hey, Shorty, memory test." "Fire away, sir," he said. "Don't call me 'sir.'" "Yes, sir." "Oh," laughed Shiny, "he'll fit in just fine." "In Lost Town, there's a stone in the wall near a dark corner that's bigger than all the others." "The oblongish one with all the writing on it?" "That's the one," I said with a grin. "What's it say?" "It sez 'Shining Armor is a fi--'" "Whoa!" I cut him off. "No no no, the opposite corner from that one!" Shining Armor leaned past Shorty to glare at me. "Wait, I want to hear about this other stone. Shining Armor is a what?" I chuckled weakly. "Well," I said, "I may have, and you have to remember this is back when I was just another dip and you were just another guard pony on the marketplace beat, well, I may have held the teeniest, tiniest little grudge against you. Not even a grudge. A grudgelet. A proto-grudge. If that." I smiled. "But that's all in the past and we're B.R.F.s now and everything and there's no point in bringing up old stuff and I'm kind of in the middle of doing something here." He stepped around Shorty and butted heads with me so that his horn was pressing uncomfortably on my crown as he continued to glare at me. "Shining Armor," he said slowly, "is a what?" "Um," I stalled, "well, I mean it's been such a long time, you can't honestly expect me to remember something I wrote in a fit of pique all those years ago, can you?" "Yes," he said. "Yes I can. You had a good memory back then, and you've been training your memory ever since, so I know you remember every detail of that place. Don't tell me you can't even remember the rest of the next word." "Drawing a complete blank," I lied. "I'll help you," Shiny said. "Shining Armor is a ffff..." "Fine, upstanding example of a guard," I said. "Of course, among thieves, that's the worst insult imaginable." "Shining Armor is a ffffiiiiiiiiii..." "Fizzler, all right? It says 'Shining Armor is a fizzler!' Happy now?" Three seconds later, as I was suspended upside down, with my head and neck outside the forcefield holding me up, and my body and legs inside it, I decided I'd been too kind in my choice of epithets back then. I pointedly ignored Shiny and his smug grin, and returned my attention to Short Shanks. "What's in the opposite corner?" I asked, behaving as though nothing unusual was happening at all. "The Rules," he said. "The Rules all the street ponies live by." I nodded. "Those rules are posted in various places in every city in Equestria large enough to have Brothers in it," I said. "Those rules are the reason the Eyes of the Moon exist. I want you, while I'm gone, to make sure you always abide by them. I want you to keep your eyes peeled and your ear to the ground. You know what kind of information I pay you foals for. Now you know why it's important I get that information. So you keep an ear open, you move around like normal, and you let me know if anything requires immediate attention." "Let you know how?" "The Princesses have set up a way to communicate while I'm out of town," I said. "So all you have to do is get to the castle." "Wot, just trot in like some sort of society pony?" "You could do that," I said, "if you want everypony to know you work for the Crowns. Alternatively, you can do it the easy way and get arrested." "You what now?" "Oh, yeah," I said. "It's easier to get away with when you're a young colt. You can talk about how they let you go on account of your young age and everypony will believe it and laugh about how gullible the Princesses are--" "Hey!" objected Princess Luna. "We are not gullible. We simply care about Our little ponies." She tilted her head. "Celestia, on the other hoof..." It may seem frivolous, telling jokes and partying as part of an ancient and sacred ritual, but it serves a very important purpose. The Eye of the Moon must be confident in his or her right to speak to the Princess. Deference is all well and good for normal ponies, but an agent provocateur must be confident. The personal agent of Princess Luna must be able to speak with her, if not as equals, then as an employee to an employer, rather than a common pony to a Princess. So we partied through most of the night. The party may have gotten out of hoof at some point. There was a lot of sugar. I'm not saying it definitely happened, but I might have claimed the buffet table in the name of the New Lunar Republic, and offered to defend it against all comers. I may even have been trounced by the ranking representative of the opposing Solar Empire. That's his story anyway. Eventually, though, the party had to end. Princess Luna still had responsibilities to take care of before she lowered the moon. Short Shanks had to get back to his Lost Colts - we helped him "steal" some cheese stuffed bread and other easily portable foods to assuage his guilt about leaving them out of the celebration - and get some rest before a busy day of mingling with street ponies. And I had packing to do. Hesitant hoofsteps clip-clop their way along a back alley. They aren't hesitant for the reason most ponies would avoid a dimly lit, narrow alley such as this. He knows exactly who he might encounter. What he does not know, what is eating away at his gut, is how they will react to the news he brings. "Come on," he tells himself. "This is your family. Just go talk to them." Adjusting the jury-rigged knapsack on his shoulder, he continues, more confident, back to Lost Town. "Oi!" somepony shouts. "Shanks is back!" Grazer, he thinks. Trust Grazer to be the first on hoof when there's food in the offing. Immediately, his Lost Colts are clustered around him. Though young, he's the oldest among the dozen-or-so blank flank street colts. "Well?" "How'd it go?" "What was the job?" "Do I smell cheese bread?" "Hey!" says Bright Eyes, a young pegasus filly who, while not a Lost Colt, spent enough time around Lost Town to be considered a part of the Family. "You got your cutie mark!" Shanks holds up a hoof for silence, and he gets it. "Lost Colts," he says, "have I got news for you!" He'll have to make them all swear the oath, he realizes, but if you can't trust your Family, who can you trust? Naturally, Shiny couldn't meet me at Canterlot Station to see me off. He sent one of his guard ponies to "intimidate" me as I left, providing me with the opportunity to pick his saddlebags for my spending allowance and letters from Shining Armor and both Princesses. If anypony found the sight of a guard pony wearing saddlebags in full uniform odd, nopony said anything. After being suitably defiant towards the guard, I boarded the Friendship Express and was headed off to Ponyville. I settled into my private cabin - I put my stipend, along with whatever bits I get from "legitimate" burglary and pickpacking, to good use - and pulled out the letters. First, a blue scroll with the black seal of Princess Luna. My Princess always gets preferential treatment from me. Dear Orange Meringue, I know you feel this trip is a waste of time. As I mentioned at the ceremony last night (just a few minutes ago as I write this), one of the reasons for it was to force you to pick an apprentice, as you ought to have done even prior to my return to Equestria. Enough of that. I am not blaming you. I understand that despite your antics, you take your responsibilities seriously, and that you are always thinking of the poor little ponies living rough in the streets, not only in Canterlot, but in Manehattan, Stalliongrad, Las Pegasus, and other cities as well. It was for that reason that Ponyville was chosen as your destination. There is nopony there who needs your unique services, and you will truly be able to relax. I have been told of your desire to vacation in Las Pegasus (and of what you would like to do while there), and while I cannot find fault with your desire to 'cut loose' as the young ponies say, and to keep your skills at their peak by challenging the admittedly formidable security arrangements there, I fear that such a trip would quickly involve you in local events in an official capacity, regardless of what my sister and I tell you. I have always admired the way my Eyes honor the oath they have taken, and how each of them - even those who served while I was not around to support them - put the little ponies before Equestria proper, and put Equestria before me, as the oath specifies. Unfortunately, such attention to the details of your oath would keep you from taking care of the one pony who most needs your care: yourself. Always remember that by taking care of your own needs, you ensure you will be able to take care of your responsibilities. Enjoy your stay in Ponyville. It is a lovely town, with delightful ponies. While you are there, please convey my sincere eagerness to participate in the Nightmare Night celebrations next year, especially to a little Trottingham foal named Pipsqueak. Your Princess, and Friend, Luna of Equestria P.S.: Though short lived, your conquest of the Table of Plenty will go down in history as the first conquest of the New Lunar Republic, and the vile, unprovoked assault by the forces of the Solar Empire shall not go unavenged. I chuckled a bit, wondering what sort of vengeance my Princess had planned. It didn't take long to find out, as the next letter I opened was on pure white parchment with the golden seal of the Sun Princess on it. Deft Hoof, As my sister has no doubt told you, one of the reasons we determined you should go to Ponyville was our mutual fear that any city of sufficient size to have a population of street ponies would prove too tempting to your sense of justice. I can't tell you how proud that knowledge makes me: that you should care for what some would call the least of my little ponies so much that you put yourself in danger for their sakes time and again. It is important, however, to take care of yourself. Luna and I expect to hear from you regularly, most likely complaining about the lack of fit entertainment, but I trust you will find your time with the ponies of Ponyville both enlightening and relaxing, which you very much need. I think you will find you have much in common with my faithful student Twilight Sparkle and her friends, especially the bearers of the Elements of Loyalty and Laughter, and, whether you believe it or not, your distant cousin, the bearer of the Element of Honesty. I nearly dropped the letter. It had entirely slipped my mind that the Oranges and the Apples were related. That made me, if I remembered my family tree correctly, fifth cousins with the Ponyville Apples of my generation. Surely that wasn't who the Princesses expected me to stay with? A bunch of farm ponies only barely related to me by the slimmest of margins? But then it occurred to me that it was just the sort of thing Equestria's diarchs would find amusing. So not only would I be spending my vacation among relatives, they would be up-at-dawn, work-all-day farm ponies. And one of them was the embodiment and bearer of the Element of Honesty. I was sure a three-time heroine of the realm like Applejack would put up with no shenanigans, and particularly would not give me an opportunity to practice my skills. The mystery of Shining Armor's smug attitude the night before solved, I turned back to the letter. In the thousand years I have overseen the office of Eye of the Moon in my sister's stead, I have noted that each have chosen their apprentices for far more than just the skills needed to perform their duties. There is, in each of you, a core of Honesty that guides your actions more than the capricious whims that seem at first glance to drive you. It is because of that core that you work yourselves so hard. I will end this letter before it delves into the melancholy it seems to be heading to. Before I do, however, I must ask why it is that my sister is stalking me with a water balloon and muttering incoherently about my violations of the sovereign territory in the land of Buffet. Shining Armor's report clearly indicates that your actions on behalf of the New Lunar Republic were belligerent, and that he was merely acting in defense of the indigenous muffins of the Southern Table Steppes. Hopefully, your warlike ways will not manifest in Ponyville. Sincerely, Princess Celestia of Equestria Sovereign of the Sun, et cetera, et cetera, I really ought to see about divesting myself of some of these titles. I grinned. She would never bring herself to lose a single title the ponies of Equestria saddled her with, if only because she would feel it insulted those who sought to honor her if she did so. Last was a brief note from Shining Armor. Defty, You'll be happy to know I took your advice, and wrote Twiley to get her explanation of the Oath. I figure the more I know about it, the more I'll be able to help you defend Equestria. I know both Princesses have told you this, but I'm sure they didn't say so directly: You are not going to Ponyville to work. You need a break, and you will take it. Celestia knows I'm a lot less stressed myself since the Princesses gave Cadance and I permission to extend our honeymoon. I swear, if I hear word one about you leaping into action in Ponyville, no matter how dire the situation, I will ensure that Applejack finds out exactly what you do for a living. Stay healthy, and as sane as somepony like you can manage. I frowned. Not only did his letter confirm that Shining Armor had known exactly where I would be staying, everypony seemed to think I was some sort of selfless hero, not a totally awesome larger-than-life burglar extraordinaire. Well, I'd show them! I'd come back so relaxed they'd keep having to check my pulse! I decided to get started right away by taking a nap. "Ponyville! Last stop!" I snorted, dragging myself awake. Somehow, I had ended up in the luggage rack, my hooves dangling through the webbing that was supposed to support my suitcase. The suitcase, on the other hoof, was taking up my spot on the seat below. I decided it had ousted me and that, being the gentlecolt I am, I merely took its place and allowed it the more comfortable seating arrangement. The alternative, that I was so used to climbing around high, cramped spaces that I would wedge myself into one in my sleep, spoke to things in all three letters that I refused to acknowledge as a possibility. It didn't take long to get out of there, anyway - at least not for me. I found myself greeted on the platform of Ponyville Station by a quartet of vaguely familiar-looking ponies. Apples are pretty easy to pick out of a crowd. They have a sort of simplicity to them that may make them seem like bumpkins, but I knew it was because they were, at heart, straightforward sorts. Granny Smith (Great Aunt Smith to me, though I remembered her insistence at the big Apples and Oranges Family Mixer on being referred to by the more familiar name) looked exactly as I remembered her. To her right was a big burly stallion I knew had to be Big Macintosh. Even as a colt, he'd been bigger than even those of the rest of us who were closer to his age. Now, though, there was no question he'd grown into his name. Even away from the farm, he wore a big, heavy-looking yoke on his broad red shoulders. On Granny Smith's other side was a little yellow filly with a red mane and tail and a big pink bow. While she didn't look familiar in the "I've seen this pony before" sense, she still looked very much like an Apple. And in front of them, wearing a brown stetson and a big, friendly grin, was the mare I most dreaded seeing. Applejack, bearer of the Element of Honesty, would make life difficult for me any time the topic of what I did for a living was even hinted at. How do you lie to somepony like that? After less than a second, her grin changed to a sort of startled gasp. "Boy howdy," she drawled. "When Twah told me Princess Celestia wanted me ta play host ta one o' mah Orange cousins, Ah shore did not picture you, Orange Meringue!" I blinked. That she remembered my name, and apparently positively, jogged my memory. "A.J.? I always wondered what that stood for!" I laughed. "Wow, I can't believe I didn't realize it was you! You still do all those super-cool rope tricks?" She smirked, crossing her hooves in an obviously practiced "casual" pose. "Shoot, Ah done learned a whole mess o' better ones. Y'all still do that thar slight-o'-hoof stuff?" I grinned. "And then some," I said, which hopefully would be as close as I would have to come to saying what I really did for a living. "Hay, that reminds me. You promised me you'd teach me some rope tricks if I taught you some card tricks." "Heck," A.J. said, "Ah'll teach anypony wants ta learn, Sugarcube." She indicated the rest of her family. "Ah'm sure y'all remember Big Macintosh, since y'all spent so much time followin' him around that day. An' everypony knows Granny Smith, Ah reckon. This here little filly's Apple Bloom. Say hi ta yer fifth cousin Orange Meringue, Apple Bloom!" "Howdy!" the littlest Apple chirped. She had the same Apple family drawl, and the same straightforward, outgoing personality as the rest of her family. She looked at my flank unabashedly, but I wasn't too bothered by it. No doubt she was at that age when she was so desperate for a cutie mark that everypony else's becomes an inspiration. I'd have to be careful. "Huh, Ah kinda figured you'd have an orange for a cutie mark, not a... is that a empty swimming pool?" I laughed. "Well," I said, "you're closer than most. It's an empty--" I didn't get the chance to finish the sentence. Behind me, I heard an immensely cheerful voice shouting "MERRY!" but before I could turn to see if I was right about who it was - only one pony had ever called me Merry, and the thought of running into her here as well was staggering - I heard an entirely different sound. Two skulls colliding sounds disconcertingly like a pair of coconuts doing the same. As one of those skulls was mine, that was the last I was aware of for quite some time, other than darkness.