//------------------------------// // The Most Average Night Ever // Story: Trixie! Order Up! // by BrightIdea //------------------------------// “Trixie! Order Up!” ‘The Most Average Night Ever’ By King of Malta “How about…’I don’t always eat donuts…but when I do I go to Donut Joe’s!” Donut Joe asked to no pony in particular, except perhaps his chalkboard sign. Princess Celestia herself had been tastefully marked onto its surface in several vivid shades of chalk and for once Donut Joe appreciated an art for that wasn’t confectionary based. Still, there was just one thing that was literally missing from his new advertising sign, the large speech bubble emitting from Her Majesty’s’ mouth remained blank and avoid of the strokes of script that passed for a written language in Equestria. He squinted at the chalkboard, a piece of white chalk held afloat in midair. He seemed to start suddenly, his mouth opened as if to say the words that would end his dilemma, but instead all that emerged was an angry growl. His eyebrows furrowed as the magic wavered around the chalk and he dropped it onto the table. “No, no, no!” a frustrated yell escaped him, “That’ll never catch on!” Donut Joe had good reason to be angry with himself, the more he stalled the closer his business came to falling flat on its face. This was the night of the Grand Galloping Gala, when ponies from across Equestria gathered in Canterlot for the year’s most swanky party held by the upper crust of Equestria. Only a select few ever managed to snag tickets to the Gala and they either had royal blood, large amounts of dough (as in bits), or had performed some great feat of friendship that literally saved Equestria from unending night or unending bad hair days. It was notorious amongst the ‘Average Joe Ponies’ of Canterlot. Anypony who thought being on the crumbly, upper bit of a sandwich was a good thing swarmed outside the gates of the party to catch a glimpse of Aristoponies eating caviar and gossiping. Ponies who lived outside of Canterlot imagined the Gala as being a wondrous occasion where all their dreams would come true in one magical night. Donut Joe having had lived in Canterlot for several years after moving to the city from Manehatten when he was a young colt had also had those same notions about the Grand Galloping Gala. He had soon learned that the Gala popped dreams as just as well as a Unicorn’s horn could pop a balloon. Of course, Ponies knew from common sense not to get poked by a Unicorn’s horn, no Pony had learned to avoid the Grand Galloping Gala yet. Donut Joe’s bakery and coffee shop often enough catered to the students of the prestigious schools Of Canterlot, the Royal Guard, tourists visiting the city, and the servants of the ‘oh-so-classy-his-donuts-were-as-good-as-dirt-to-touch-their-tastebuds’ Nobility. On the night of the Grand Galloping Gala his shop often enough received the business of those dejected ponies that had not bitten into the Gala and realized that the donut was stale. While Donut Joe often hoped that it was the smell of his donuts wafting through the night air to the tallest spires of Canterlot that attracted these customers it was more likely because his shop sat closest to the lower gates of the royal castle and he kept late hours. REALLY late hours. The dejected would sit around for hours and mope about how their night had been ‘THE WORST NIGHT EVER!’ and how they were good enough for the gala and that they would be back next year. He was proud of his special talent for baking donuts and on the night of the Grand Galloping Gala he tried not to think that his donut shop was a place for dreams to die. This night though had been different. It had been an OK night. The night had started out the same with him hearing the moaning and groaning of those ponies that didn’t have tickets to the gala and who had just sat at the main gate to the castle admiring all the pretty, arty Ponies. Donut Joe had cantered all night around the shop balancing donuts and hot coffee with his magic and hooves, he normally managed, but his body had gone one way and his mind another way while listening to dozens of complaining Ponies who wanted his ear and his donuts. A few had needed ice blocks to sit on, not because of his coffee, but because they were Ponies that had tried to sneak into the Grand Galloping Gala only to have their flanks handed to them by the Royal Guard. When Errant Hoof of the Royal Guard had arrived from the Gala to pick up the late donut order for the night’s security detail the whiners had cleared out covering their flanks. Erramt Hoof had just stayed long enough to complain about his shift having had drawn the short straw to guard the inner halls of the castle and listen to the never ending complaints from the high class Ponies. They had apparently gone one and on about how their hooves hurt or demanded the Royal Guard to fetch them drinks. Though, Errant Hoof had mentioned hearing some groovy music coming from the main ballroom as he left to pick up the donut order. Donut Joe had been surprised by the arrival of Spike the Dragon after not seeing the little guy for nearly a year. Spike and Twilight Sparkle had been two of his best customers, Spike always mentioned how much he loved his donuts and Twilight Sparkle not only was polite, but cleaned up her table! Donut Joe had learned a few days after he had last seen the pair of their involvement with Nightmare Moon, the Elements of Harmony, and Princess Luna. Of the Moon Princess over the last year he had seen her as she cantered through the empty streets of Canterlot at the dead of night. Spike had greeted him with a sour mood and had just grumbled orders for more donuts for what seemed like hours after that. Spike had ordered coffee to go with his donuts but as always Donut Joe had slipped him hot chocolate instead, Twilight had been right that Spike couldn’t tell the difference. Donut Joe had tried to use what he considered to be his second special talent, small talk, to find out what had made his donut go soggy, but he had got no verbal answer beyond Spike’s grumbling and hissing. It had been when Spike had crumbled up what looked like a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala that Donut Joe had what had been bothering the little guy. After a Donut Joe’s Dozen of Donuts were devoured by Spike, Donut Joe had been on the verge of intervening baker-style when lo and behold Twilight Sparkle herself stepped into his shop, along with five other ragged looking mares. He had barely believed that the bookworm Unicorn that had never left Canterlot before had managed to not only go to a small place like Ponyville, but save all of Equestria from eternal night. Not to mention make friends in the process. Donut Joe had kept an ear open towards the group as he catered to his last few customers he couldn’t help but feel sorry for each of the mares as they told how their dreams were crushed. He had been thrown through a donut hole when he heard how each of them had decided that instead of moaning about their night and pinning for a second chance had realized that they much preferred each other’s friendship compared to the Gala. Had the Gala’s siren song been defeated? The surprises had not ended there of course, not by a long shot. His mind had barely managed to squeeze around what had happened next. Princess Celestia. In HIS donut shop. Princess. Celestia. In. His. Donut. Shop. Eating. His. Donuts. Serving the eldest Princess of all Equestria free donuts was an honor to itself, but that he could now brag about it in advertisement that she had graced his shop and eaten his donuts was something much, much more! The Princess had arrived at his own personal business and partaken in the donuts that he had hoof-kneaded and baked with the care of his art! Princess Celestia had loved his donuts and Everypony loved Princess Celestia, therefore by laws of association Everypony would love his donuts when they found out. The Ponies of Equestria NEEDED to find out. After the Princess and Twilight Sparkle and her friends had left Donut Joe had quickly closed shop and began brainstorming on the perfect ad to grab the greatest attention. After several hours of blank thought Donut Joe had only succeeded in making his head hurt even more then it had before. He shook his head and looked over at the wall clock the time was well past midnight and well past when he normally closed up shop. His bleary eyes looked around and also realized from the crumbs, napkins, and sprinkles scattered across the floor that while Twilight Sparkle may be a neat freak none of her friends were. “Better get this cleaned up. Gotta open up bright and early tomorrow.” He yawned as he rubbed a hoof to his eye. Donut Joe decided to leave the chalk sign where it was, he would think about an advertisement on his way home, and immediately went to work using his magic on a small broom and dustpan. After what seemed like another hour the tables and floors weren’t exactly sparkling, but to his opinion a Pony could definitely eat off either just fine. He supposed that Twilight’s pink friend wouldn’t be too disturbed if she came back. He swept every bit of dust and crumb into a single trash bag and levitated it as he walked behind the counter, through the back room kitchen and to a solid wooden doorway that lead to an alley behind his shop. He pushed the doorway open with his magic and walked out into the cool night, the only light in the alley being the light from his kitchen and a lamp several meters away at the end of the alley. Normally, when he walked out into the alley it was a large, unidentifiable stain on the opposite brick wall that he swore sometimes looked like his great-great-great aunt that grabbed his attention, but this time it had been something else. This time it had been the shape standing in his dumpster. “Damn raccoons!” Donut Joe growled as he used his magic to hurl the trash bag at the shape which the light of his magic only revealed to be a brilliant azure coated unicorn at the last possible moment before the bag impacted against the stunned mare’s face. The sound of tearing plastic echoed perfectly in the tight alleyway as the Unicorn’s horn split open the bag and spilled its contents all over her. “Eyyyuuuugh!” the Azure Mare cried as she toppled from the dumpster in a heap, her limbs thrashed and her body shuddered in deep level of disgust. “Feathers! Lady, are you alright?” Donut Joe shouted as he moved toward the downed mare, shock running through his body as he realized what he had just done. “You…you…” the Mare responded, her eyes affixed on Donut Joe as she climbed to her hooves, her face was made of furious anger as she marched up to Donut Joe and shouted! “YOU! You ask the Great and Powerful Trixie if she…if she is alright? Alright is what you ask simpleton? After…after all that has happened to her? After hitting her with filth and forcing her to fall to the cold ground? Do you have any idea how stupid a question that is to ask the Great and Powerful Trixie? The answer is obvious enough a newborn foal could guess it without having to ask! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE IS NOT ALRIGHT YOU BUCK RIDING LOUT!” Donut Joe was transfixed by the purple eyes of the not-alright mare, having backed up from the alley and into his kitchen as she stared into his soul and marched on him. In the light now he could see her better and what he saw wasn’t exactly what a Manehatten Stallion like himself would call ‘a shiny, big, red, apple’. Her mane was messy and extremely unkempt, and besides the crumbs and napkins sticking to it she also somehow had collected twigs and leaves. Her coat when clean may have had been a much lighter shade, but looked darker with the dirt, pine needles, and what looked like tree sap sticking from it. She wore a tattered cloak designed with stars and other shapes that was ragged around the trims and it looked like something had tried to chew it. Donut Joe last noticed the hat she had was similarly styled to the cloak, but this was mostly because she was repeatedly hitting him over the head with it. “H-hey! Stop doing that you crazy mare!” Donut Joe tried fending off her attacks with a foreleg. “Crazy? You dare call the Great and Power Trixie crazy! What will you say when the Great and Powerful Trixie turns your coat green and-“ the Great and Powerful Trixie’s angry reply was cut short by a rumble that emitted from her mid region. Donut Joe thought it sounded like an Ursa Major was living in her stomach. The Great and Powerful Trixie blushed and looked away from Donut Joe and seemed to notice where she was for the first time. Her eyes swept the kitchen with an intense eye for detail, they gazed over the finished and unfinished baked creations and Donut Joe could see her pupils had grown steadily larger and larger. She inhaled the smells of his kitchen and seemed to savor them like a cider connoisseur and afterward seemed to get ahold of herself as she stepped back several paces and dramatically swept her hat to her head with a push of her magic. The Great and Powerful Trixie pointed to Donut Joe with one outstretched hoof. “The Great and Powerful Trixie demands a donut!” Donut Joe paused for several seconds and had begun to reply when a small, half eaten pinecone dropped out from within the Great and Powerful Trixie’s robes and clattered to the floor. He decided to save his questions until after he got her that donut. - “You’re that show mare, the one from the flyers I saw a few months ago.” Donut Joe asked, the appearance of the apparently Great and Powerful Trixie finally connected with him while she sat at his table and shoved donuts into her face. He hadn’t exactly given into her demand for donuts, right away at least, he’d apologized for calling her a raccoon and throwing trash in her face, though he left out that technically she had been stealing from his trash, and offered his sink to her to wash up and a plate’s worth of donuts. Not that he wouldn’t have given them to her with the way she looked she probably hadn’t had a fresh meal in a while. “You’re the most powerful unicorn in Equestria?” “Yes! To answer you the Great and Powerful Trixie’s magic are incomparable to any pony in Equestria and those were my…advertisements” Trixie replied with a superior smirk on her face along with sprinkles and jelly. Her smug appearance only lasted a few moments before her smile shrank considerably. “They were to herald the Great and Powerful Trixie’s coming to Canterlot after she completed her Spectacular and Amazing Cross Equestria Tour. I certainly made it to Canterlot just…not as I planned.” “Really? What was your plan?” Donut Joe placed a hoof under his chin as he small talked, noting finally the use of a personal indicator when she talked about herself. He also hoped she would forget about how he had dumped trash on her if he kept her talking. She certainly seemed full of herself. “I…I…The Great and Powerful Trixie was going to take Equestria by STORM!” Trixie practically shouted that same smug expression reappearing on her face, for some reason Donut Joe couldn’t help but smile too, “The Great and Powerful Trixie started out in Hooftington and would cross all of Equestria wowing the yokels in the little villages and towns slowly building my reputation. Word of my feats would spread through the countryside, like an avalanche, and eventually to the more glamorous places worthy of the Great and Powerful Trixie’s attention such as Manehatten or Las Pegasus.” “What about the flyers in Canterlot?” Donut Joe asked, images of the posters with the mare in front of him had appeared months ago in the streets of Canterlot. “In Canterlot the Great and Trixie had to make an appearance of mystery that would make Ponies of every level of society want to ask about who the Great and Powerful Trixie was. The Great and Powerful Trixie expected her arrival by the time of the Grand Galloping Gala would have created such hype that Princess Celestia would have extended a personal invitation to dazzle the ponies at the gala and put on a show that would make the night their best ever.” Trixie failed miserably to keep the tone of giddy excitement tinged with gloating from her voice. “So…you were at the Gala tonight?” Donut Joe asked. It made sense that she would be drawn to the Grand Galloping Gala like anypony else. He already guessed by her appearance and her choices for a late night snack that she hadn’t actually received an invitation. “What happened?” “NOTHING. Nothing happened.” Trixie shouted and slammed her hooves onto the table where she managed to knock over a few unfinished donuts. She glanced off into the distance and appeared to remember something before shaking her head and kicking away from the table. “After THAT PLACE…my cart was destroyed, my reputation in ruins. I’d spent everything on advertising my arrival in Canterlot through that shady, little poster printing shop. I was getting by from town to town by the gifts from fans until...everything just fell apart…my hopes and dreams…my life…my-what is that?” Trixie pointed towards a table as she trotted up to it and used her magic to levitate the same Princess Celestia sign that Donut Joe had been working on all night. “That? Just something I’ve been trying to piece together, something to grab the attention of Ponies and make them want to eat here. It’s not going too well at all and-hey! What are you doing to it?” Donut Joe rushed towards Trixie as she had begun to write something within the blank speech bubble. “The Great and Powerful Trixie is performing a feat of impossible magic: fixing a hopeless cause.” Trixie replied and showed to Donut Joe the words she had written in a few quick strokes of chalk ‘Eat At Joe’s!’ had been spread out across the speech bubble. Donut Joe’s magic wrapped around the chalkboard and floated it closer to him for a closer look. “Short, direct, and commanding. That will get you ponies, the Great and Powerful Trixie has no doubts about it.” “’Eat at Joe’s’? ‘Eat at Joe’s’! I don’t know…about this one. Last time I checked Ponies didn’t like other Ponies bossing them around,” Donut Joe replied and peered over the chalkboard at Trixie with a scrutinizing look. “Of course as a Pony yoooou would think that, Ponies though love it when Princess Celestia gives them commands. They want to please her. The Great and Powerful Trixie even wishes she could command adoration such as that.” Trixie replied, and rolled her eyes at Donut Joe as if it was the most obvious thing in all of Equestria. Donut Joe looked down at the sign, after several moments he kind of thought he could start to see it as he imagined Princess Celestia asking him to eat at his own donut shop and for some reason he did feel kind of hungry. He shook his head and looked back at Trixie who looked back at him with a sly and knowing look as if she had known that he knew that she was possibly right. It wasn’t the same expression that a cat has when it catches a mouse…more like when a bird of prey catches the cat…like a phoenix? “How would you know?” asked with a scrutinizing eyebrow. “The Great and Powerful Trixie knows how to play a crowd of Ponies. It takes a certain sense of knowing what they want and being able to give it to them… triple fold.” Trixie replied and turned back towards the door. “Wait a minute. Where are you going?” Donut Joe asked, looking back between the chalk sign Trixie, and the donuts she had knocked to the floor. An idea had begun to form in his head as he replayed the night over, rushing from the kitchen to the customers. All of Canterlot would be energized over gossip from the Gala and he really could use an extra set of hooves plus a Unicorn horn. “It is late and the Great and Powerful Trixie needs her beauty sleep. The Great and Powerful Trixie comments that your donuts are…mmmmn…quite delectable, but the Great and Powerful Trixie must return to her quarters lest one of the shiftless louts from across the street notice she has vacated the box…the Great and Powerful Trixie means personal trailer. Good night, hopefully meeting the Great and Powerful Trixie has made your ordinary life more interesting.” After he had heard that Donut Joe’s mind had been made up. That he could add a certain amount of an excuse for being charitable was the icing on the éclair. “Hold your horses there Tri-I mean Great and Powerful Trixie…you know what Ponies want and need…and you give it to them. How would you like a job?”