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// Morpheus? Damn-Near Killed Us! 
// Story: Woundsalt, Mother Bucker. 
// by OneUppington 
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Well then… Looks like I decorated the place. If I remember correctly, I did complain about how barren it was last time. Nothing but white save for a few memories embodied as physical objects.
Nice to know I’m listening to my complaints… but I kind of like it the other way.

I mean, for starters, what are all these ponies doing here? This place is crowded as fuck! This makes the SorriNa last night look as empty as it was this morning!
…
Hey, Wait a minute…
These ponies ARE the ones in the SorriNa last night! I see Betty the changeling right there! And there! And there! Is my mind making Betties? Is this some elaborate way of telling me there is a changeling invasion in the… No wait, it’s not just her. I can see a good amount of Blue Curaçaos too. Quite easy to spot a pony that large in a crowd. And I am seeing a lot of copies of those guys I re-met in Betty’s arcade. I just found my fifth Wullay already… and maybe smell seven of them.

It’s just all those ponies copy-pasted ad nauseum like it’s a lazy day in an animation studio. And the weirdest things about this army of clones? They are doing nothing. They are just standing there, looking in the one direction. What the buck are they looking…?
Ah, okay. Yeah, fair enough to the duplicate masses. If there was a great, big, green wall erected as if something terrible is going on the other side of it, I’d be looking at it too.



“Well, you are taking Onderlandwah while being the horniest you’ve ever been,” comes a very familiar voice from behind me. “What do you think is on the other side?”

I turn around and, sure enough, it is the white unicorn that is apparently my inner self accompanied by his independent horn. Sneaking behind me seems to be a habit of theirs, I notice. It is not the only thing I notice, however. Now the crowd is looking at us… or much rather, the horned me.

“So… what are they doing here?” I ask. I know I should press on with the reason I’m here, but I feel like I should be patient with myself. I’ve been through a lot. “Feeling lonely?”
“Not exactly.” The other me says. “I made them to try and get us used to ponies watching us, since we’re famous and all. Is it working?”
“Not at the moment.” I reply. “In fact, I think it’s safe to say it’s creeping me out.”
“Hm... Ah well, give us time. The Crystal Empire wasn’t built in a day.” He hums. You know, for a physical representation of myself he’s quite cheerful. “I take it you came here to hear magic’s apology?”

What? No, I… Wouldn’t he of all ponies know why I’m here? Ah, fuck it. I think it’s safe to say I do need to talk to my magic over what happened.
“It’s on my list on shit I have to do here.” I answer, looking at the horn it emanated from last time. It’s pretty silent. I have a feeling I have to start this. “Magic… It’s okay. You don’t need to apologise. I know all you were trying to do was help me.”
“But...” The horn flickers. “But I have failed you. She still left. My objective was to stop h-.”
“So what about your damn objective?” I interrupt the aetheric being with powers beyond my control (Usually a dumb thing to do, but I don’t think it’ll bite me in the flank.) “I know damn well I was breaking the fuck down back there. You came in to help me out. She ran off, sure, but she’ll be back. Vinyl will make her come back. And I know for a fact it would’ve been worse if you didn’t step in, so… thanks.”
“Oh please, don’t thank me.” He flashes. “I just felt like I needed to be a tad more useful, that’s all. Thank you for telling me. Just a warning, however. I’m afraid because of me possessing you for so long today, it would be best for me to not take over at all tomorrow. That heart of yours deserves some time to recover.”

I nod to say I understand. It’s so nice to know he’s helping me out. I bet the magic inside Rain Coat wasn’t this nice to her. Probably because they didn’t talk as much as we do… that and I know he isn’t deliberately driving me crazy… I think.

“So, with that out the way...” I say, trying to get the representatives of my entire being and my magic on the subject on the topic I want. “I need to ask you about what just happened just now.”
Inner-me looks at me curiously. “You mean the whole Croissant, Baguette thing? I thought you got that. I think you got what Page was saying before you even read...”
“No. Not that. I got that.” Sweet Celestia, am I this bucking hard to talk to out in the real world or is inside me just being a buckin’ putz to piss me off? “I’m talking about me getting weak at the knees while looking at a picture of a bucking pirate. I thought I was straight but apparently not…”
“W… wait.” He hesitates. “What?... Didn’t you…?

...didn’t you already know?”

…

I shook my head with both the answer to the question and to show my disbelief that he had to even ask the question.
“I… I thought we knew that since puberty.”
“Thought we knew sin-” I stop myself to rub my face. Oh goddess, since when did talking to myself become such a fucking hassle? “What do you mean by since puberty? I’m only having this now!”
“What?” Asks the unicorn me. “How the buck can…? Oh, wait. I know what’s happened. In fact, it’s something I’ve tried to tell you before you woke up.”
Erm… He’s getting a little close. His eyes are meeting mine and the look in them becomes sinister.

“Cold showers.” He says bluntly. “You and your bucking cold showers.”

I decide to stay quiet to let him explain himself.
“Every time. Every mother fucking time you get a single bucking thought on sex the first thing you bucking do is go straight to a fucking cold shower. When you thought about the Philharmonicas when Octavia teased you about their relationship. What did you do to stop it? Cold Shower. You pondered how sex would work between Blue Curaçao and Parfait D’Armour, Which, by the way, is not what one could call a ‘straight’ thought. What did you do to stop that thought again? Cold Shower. Remember when Haywatch was on the air? You were looking at what Night Riding was packing more than the filly lifeguards, I can tell you that!” 
“What? No I w-”
“Shut up! You know who you’re talking to, don’t bucking lie! And after every bucking episode of Haywatch? Cold shower, cold shower, cold shower, cold shower...”

He continues as he slaps one hoof into another every time he says ‘shower’. Admittedly, I do take a lot of cold showers. I was a little nervous of getting caught with my hoof in the wrong place by Doctor Brainstorm back in the orphanage. Can you blame me? There were kids present for buck’s sake! Still… I think I broke me. He seemed to be so calm and collected when me met but now… now he’s gone nuts. His red eyes are burning, he’s snarling like a maniac; it’s like he’s… no… he can’t be… Oh buck, he could be. No, he is. He most definitely is, there’s no denying it.

He’s surging.

He’s definitely surging. His words are heated with rage, his eyes are piercing into my soul, I can feel myself being verbally whipped every time the unicorn repeats the words ‘cold shower’, the more and more he gets madder and madder. He can’t listen to anything right now. I can’t end the rampage. I have to wait until he snaps out of it.

“... Cold shower, cold shower, MOTHER FUCKING COLD SHOWER!” Other I yells. “Princess H. tapdancing Cadence, I am sick and tired of cold showers! Can you see why I was about to tell you to have a bucking wank when you left here last time? Anything to relieve yourself than another cold shower! What, do you think that’s healthy for you? All those showers? That kind of shit is what they do to ‘cure’ homosexuality in regions where Pinkie Pie was born in for buck's sake and you’ve been doing it to yourself for years! Kind of makes you saying to Twilight that you’ll talk to Pinkie Pie about her homophobia seem farcical now, doesn’t it?”

Ow… that was a knife twist and a half. So this is how it feels like it’s on my end. He’s making me feel like I should say something, but I know he isn’t able to listen to me; I know whatever I say is pointless. The classical surge: No time to listen to rebuttals. No time to hear replies. Only time for fury.

“And now that I think about it?” He continues… sounding more like my magic more than me. That’s weird. “Do you know who gave the most damage to you? It’s not Doctor Brainstorm, it’s not Printed Mint, it’s sure as hell not the magic infused to you; IT’S YOU!”
He points square to my muzzle, making the duplicates look at me instead of him. It’s becoming abundantly clear that, even though this is my drug-induced dream, this is his house.
“You’re the bucking one giving yourself the cold shower. You’re the one who drinks like you’ve got a vendetta against your own liver. You’re the one who keep ripping your bucking heart out for some company that didn’t deserve it! And are you happy, Woundsalt? Are you happy that you keep hurting yourself for little to no reason?”
You know what? Buck this. I don’t need this. I came here for answers, not abuse. I’m going to do what at least a quarter of ponies do when I get like this: Walk off. I don’t know where I’ll be going in this white abyss, but I’m sure as fuck that wherever I’ll be going will be better than here right now.

“Oh, walking out on yourself, are we?” The unicorn shouts. “Okay then, go! Go! Walk away like she did! Like the one you keep hurting yourself over! Little Miss Indescribable! You want to know what words could describe her? I got some words for y-”

It was at that point I hurt myself once again. By punching the unicorn in the face.

He falls onto the white floor. The look on his face makes it abundantly clear he has returned from his surge. The look of fear. I lean into the pony’s ear to say to him:
“Magic, get rid of all the shit here please.”
“Y… yes, Master Salt.” Glows the horn as all the clones disappear.
“And the wall. I know there’s nothing on the other side, I would have heard something by now if it was the case.”
“Yes, Master Salt.” It glows again, disappearing the wall. “Anything else?”
I giggle. “Why yes, magic…

… You can stop bullshitting me with this inner-me crap and talk normally.”

The unicorn chuckles. He erases my cutiemark from his flanks because he now knows his cover has been blown. “It was a good trick, was it not?” He says… and really says this time, not from his horn but with his mouth. “An trick of ventriloquism created by Jalapeño Stick. Used to wow audiences by talking as himself while his dummy was also talking. Always wore a hat too, so nopony saw the horn glow.”

He thinks he can laugh this off. A good effort, but it hasn’t worked. “Why, magic? Why did you try and be me? Why the facade?”
He looks down in embarrassment. “When you first came in, I figured you wouldn’t listen to me if I was being myself. So I made the persona to show a version of you and I working together… something I always wanted to do but never got the opportunity since… I’m sorry I haven’t really been there for you.”

I put my hoof on its shoulder to let him now it’s okay. He looks up, smiling at me. “So, what gave it away? Did I break character while I was surging?”
“Well, you did.” I reply. “But the more I think about it, for somepony who shared the same mind as me, Inner-me had moments where he didn’t know what I was thinking.”
“Thought I can read you like a book. I’ve been around you long enough to do so, I thought.” He snickers. “I guess there were a few pages I missed… or made up entirely. Are you sure you didn’t think you were bisexual until now?”
I shake my head.
“Wow. I’m sorry master, I thought you already knew.”
“That’s okay.” I nod back. “I guess that one’s really on me for not experimenting… Hmm, something I just realised right now. Did you change my Onderlandwah dream to be different? I hear from everypony how it should be great adventure. Vinyl had some neon world, Apple Jack rode a dragon, Page became buff after holding aloft his magic sword...”
“Hmm, yes. I’m afraid you got the short end of the stick, even originally. All yours was going to be was this: some white plain with the two of us wearing...” Magic clapped his front hooves and suddenly we were both wearing long leather overcoats and shades. “... these.”

I pull off my shades, to look at my magic. “Woah… Seriously? That’s it?”
“Well, I was also given the instruction to pretty much make anything you want appear. However, yes. That’s it. I knew that it was a tad boring so I took the liberty to try and make my own story up about it. Put some things down I wanted. Kind of against what I was supposed to do, but… well, I had my fun.”
…
“Anything I wanted?”
“Anything. Why? What are you thinking?”
An idea hatched in my head. Something that he may already have thought.
“I’m just thinking… with this rap battle against Hater D… We’re gonna need some weapons.”
He smiles. He got what I meant. Suddenly shelves upon shelves of books zoom toward us at neck-break speed. Talk about service. Magic puts a hoof onto a certain book. “I have a feeling we’ve got weapons covered. We even have her diary. For when things get seriously tense, of course.”
“Of course.” I chuckle. “We can’t be too mean.”
We both laugh until we slowly go back to silence.

“Master… You still haven’t really told me how you found out it was me.”
Hm? Oh, no I didn’t.
“You claimed you know what words to describe Octavia by.”
“I do.” He states, finally taking off his rounded lenses. About time too, those things look bad on my face. I never look good with shades on. “And that was the major tell? The fact I would know but you may never will?”
I nod. He hit the nail right on the head.
“I’m never going to understand love.” He sighs. “Not even in the dictionary is there a good definition. It’s virtually...”

He put his hoof in his mouth.
“You were going to say indescribable weren’t you?”
“No.”
“Yes you were.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Come on, admit it.”
“Never!”
We laugh again. It’s good to know I have a friend in me.

“Almost time.” He utters when we calmed down. “Anything else you wish to ask me?”
“Yeah… why do I suddenly feel… sticky?”
“Oh. Erm… You may need to wash the bedsheets when you wa-”

I wake up.
…
Aw, buck me.