//------------------------------// // Three Moose // Story: The Great Moose Census of 1001 // by shortskirtsandexplosions //------------------------------// Rarity sipped on a teacup and placed it gently down on the table. “Well, if you ask me, it's all rather melodramatic.” Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle looked up from across Sugarcube Corner. “You, Rarity?” Rainbow's voice cracked. “You of all mares should talk.” Rarity frowned. “But I am being serious!” She rolled her eyes. “Who ever heard of an emergency census on Equestrian citizens, no matter how... erm... exotic?” “I hate to say it,” Twilight remarked, fidgeting with a plate of half-eaten doughnuts. “But almost all public records written about moose encounters have proven to be... erm... less than cheerful.” “Twilight's right,” Applejack said, leaning casually in her chair while gripping a bottle of sarsaparilla. “Our Granny once ran into a moose over in Fillydelphia when she was a young'n. The dang brute tore the horns clean off a pair of police unicorns. They was handicapped for life... or maybe hoofcapped...” She tapped her chin. “...horncapped?” “Well, Applejack, perhaps those officers did something to disturb the poor citizen.” She frowned. “Like a cruel and unlawful body search?” “Rarity does have a point,” Twilight remarked. “According to a recent news article, the Canterlot Census Bureau has ignored the Capreoline population for years. According to public records, they had... lots of trouble counting moose in the past.” “Like what kind of trouble?” Rainbow Dash asked, munching on a cupcake. “I'd... rather not go into detail,” Twilight remarked with a shudder. “Except suffice to say it involved the loss of many limbs.” “Oh, now who's being melodramatic?!” Rarity grumbled. “Twilight, darling, I respect your love of history, but past accounts are more often than not dictated by those with the power to control information. How do we not know that the Canterlot Census Bureau simply wishes to distort the truth in order to legitimize their current exploits?” “And just what in the hay would that accomplish?” Applejack remarked. “A very fine question indeed,” Rarity said, sipping from her tea. Twilight looked across the table. “Fluttershy, what's your opinion on this? You make counts of animals all the time—even the dangerous ones from the Everfree Forest.” “Well, that's just the thing, Twilight,” Fluttershy remarked, stroking a pink bang aside. “Moose aren't exactly animals... I mean... I don't think so.” Rainbow arched an eyebrow. “Have you ever even seen a moose?” “Well, no.” Fluttershy shook her head. “But...” She smiled. “From my past experiences with large, horned mammals, I can only presume they're sweet, docile, and... nice.” “Precisely what they want y'all to think,” Applejack grumbled. “Applejack...” Rarity sighed. “Where do you get off clinging to such boorish prejudices?” “I've got an even better question!” Applejack tilted her hat back, frowning over her shoulder. “Where in the cotton-pickin' hay is Pinkie Pie with the rest of our cupcakes?” “Yeah!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, wiping the crumbs off her fuzzy muzzle. “I'm going through pink icing withdrawal here!” A few seconds limped by, and her pupils shrank. “Erm...” She fidgeted, smiling bashfully at her friends. “I-I only like the color cuz it tastes so tangy.” “Did somepony call my naaa-aaa-aaame?” Pinkie warbled from a distance. “Over here, darling!” Rarity waved with a smile. “We're waiting on you!” “Cupcake Frosted Fun Times!” Pinkie balanced the plate in question on her head as she bounced over. “Coming right up—!” Just then, a bunch of ponies in uniform burst through the front door to the eatery. Patrons gasped and fell out of their chairs in surprise. Pinkie—no less frazzled—dropped her plate of treats to the floor. “Awwwww!” Pinkie pouted. “Now look what you did! You creamed the cream all over my cream!” “Officers!” Twilight Sparkle stood up, frowning. “What is the meaning of this—?” “Keep your distance, Your Highness!” Mr. White trotted up, his stripes glistening in the electric light. “C.C.B. business! This will only take a second!” He turned towards Pinkie Pie while the rest of her fellow agents surrounded the party pony. “Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie... is it?” “Abso-duti-loot-ly-ma-tazz!” she pleasantly chirped. “Miss Pie...” The zebra's eyes glinted as he pulled out a clipboard and trotted forward, staring the mare down. “I understand that Mr. and Mrs. Cake are on vacation. They left you in charge of this bakery, have they?” “Mmmhmmm!” Pinkie nodded proudly. “And just how long have you been baking for them in their absence?” “Two weeks!” Pinkie said, smiling. “I see...” The zebra glanced at the clipboard. “...and have you bought any fruit or vegetables in order to restock?” Pinkie nodded. “Two weeks!” She smiled. Mr. White looked up. His fellow agents shuffled suddenly, uneasy. “Say again?” the zebra asked. Pinkie Pie's brow furrowed. Her smile shook, quivered, then twisted all over. “Mmrmmmgnnnghh-two weekkksss....” She backtrotted, head twitching and spasming. The patrons stared in dumb shock. Twilight and her friends watched, muzzles agape. Rainbow Dash nibbled on a cupcake. “Gmmmghuuuuu-twooooo weeeeeekkks—guuhhhh-ghhhuuuuu-twooooo weeeeeeks—” Pinkie Pie's hooves traveled up to her muzzle, and she pulled and tugged at her face muscles while her eyes bulged. “T-t-t-t-two weeeeeeekss-ss-ss-ss-guahhhhhhh...!” By now, the agents had whipped out shotguns and assault rifles. Despite their loaded weaponry, they shivered where they stood, watching with nervous breaths. Pinkie Pie backed up into the wall of Sugarcube Corner. Reaching up, she stripped her pink wig off, exposing a smooth bald cranium. She twisted her ear, pulling out a horizontal glowing cylinder that slid several inches from her skull. Then—with a loud metallic clicking, her head split apart in over six segments, rising up to reveal a glaring moose hidden underneath. His antlers folded out, and once Pinkie Pie's head had reformed, he slid out of the fuchsia bodysuit and held the bald pony skull in two hooves. Mr. White and his associates blinked. Eyes, flaring, the moose threw the skull forward. “Catch, eh?” “Guh!” The zebra backed up, dropping the clipboard. He inadvertently grasped the loose cranium in two shivering hooves. “Get ready for a surpriiiiiise!” Pinkie Pie's head sang. KERPLOWWWW! she exploded in brilliant flames. “Aaaaaaaugh!” The agents shrieked as their bodies were lit on fire. Patrons flew back from the vaporous wave of the blast. Twilight and her table of friends fell against the wall. The moose made a galloping escape while the force of the explosion took its toll. Glass windows exploded, and a violent wind instantly picked up. Ponies shrieked in horror as their bodies were sucked out into the merciless vacuum of the Ponyville atmosphere outside.