//------------------------------// // Two Moose // Story: The Great Moose Census of 1001 // by shortskirtsandexplosions //------------------------------// The faded, staticky image of a moose violently bludgeoning a detective repeated across a wide-screen monitor. "I'M SOH-RRY!” WHAM! “I'M SOH-RRY!” WHAM! “I'M SOH-RRY!” WHAM! A pale hoof lifted up, clicking a remote. "I'M SOH--" And just like that, the image froze with Large Numbers in mid-impalement. Clearing her throat, Agent Sweetie Drops swiveled away from the multimedia presentation and faced the rest of the room. "So... can anypony here tell me what this means?" A thick group of secret operatives sat, slack-jawed, at their desks. Outside the towering office, the urban sprawl of Canterlot loomed beyond the circular windows, with pegasi and airships flying every which way to and from the horizon. "Well...?" Sweetie Drops' sapphire eyes narrowed. "Anypony?' One zebra raised his hoof. Sweetie Drops pointed. "Mr. White." "They hypnotized her!" the zebra exclaimed. "Unnngh..." Sweetie Drops face-hoofed, then paced over to a chalkboard featuring the political outline of Equestria being encumbered by a gigantic moose hoof. "What we have here is evidence of the largest Capreoline incursion known to ponydom. For the last two decades, the Equestrian Immigration Board has stood idly by while creatures of all trots of life have sauntered their way across our borders, taking up illegal residence among our native kin. Normally, this wouldn't be that big of a deal, except that subjects of the Capreolinae variety are known for their innate susceptibility to chaos. One must not look further than old textbook illustrations of the notorious Discord to see evidence of this. But now..." She turned and pointed at the frozen field recording. "...those of the infamous antler taint have hidden themselves amongst the Equestria populous, and the clock of chaos is ticking." "Wait... do you mean...?" one agent gasped. "Oh no..." A mare nearly fainted in her desk. "It can't be!" "That's right, fillies and gentlecolts." A dark line crossed over Sweetie Drops' eyes. "The Moose is Loose." It was silent enough to hear a pin drop. "I'm afraid that this is more than the Canterlot Census Bureau can handle alone." Sweetie Drops spoke while pacing once again. "Before this, it was all counting sheep... goats... minotaurs. All easy, penpushing jobs. But I'm afraid it's not going to be that easy any longer. As you have all witnessed from the graphic video tape, the previous head of the Bureau--Large Numbers--has been incapacitated." She paused, hanging her head. "Our thoughts go out to him and his family during this dark time of Deep Moosening." Everypony hung their heads. There was a slight sniffle or two to be had. "But we cannot afford to rest. Not even to mourn!" Sweetie Drops said, shaking her head. "That's why Princess Celestia has secretly combined the remaining forces of the Canterlot Census Bureau with the elite members of the newly reformed Super Secret Anti-Monster Agency. Ever since the return and imprisonment of the bugbear, we've been especially recommissioned by the Ruler of Equestria herself to see to it that the abominations who have plagued this land continue to threaten the lives of innocent ponies no longer. Because of the tragic turn of recent events, the Royal Council has deemed the Canterlot Census Bureau's issue to be our issue, which is why I've been especially assigned to brief each and every one of you today." “But Agent Drops!” a donkey stammered, shivering in his seat. “How can any of us be expected to perform a census on creatures who dwell on the bugbear level of chaos?!” “He's right,” a sarosian added with a nod. “We're peace keepers. Not soldiers.” Sweetie Drops took a deep breath, her eyes closing meditatively. “The Counting is strong with you. Seek computational energy from all around us.” She opened her eyes, smiling proudly. “Or if all else fails, use an abacus. It's what I do." "...an abacus." "Besides, Large Numbers believed in you, and so do I.” “Then...” A pegasus leaned forward in her chair. “...you are leading us from now on?” Sweetie Drops opened her muzzle to reply. Just then, a door schwisssshed open on the far side of the room. Sweetie Drops looked over to see a unicorn with a crimson coat shuffling to a stop, gazing calmly at the presentation. “... ... ...if I have to, then so be it,” Sweetie Drops eventually said. “The Super Secret Anti-Monster Agency has grown old... and rusty in its dormant state. The Moosening is exactly the sort of crisis that we need to get back on our hooves and learn how to defend Equestria again.” She stood tall, hooves clapping tightly against the marble floor. “I will be depending on you—the agents of the Canterlot Census Bureau—as much as you will be depending on me. I just know that, together, we will find each and every one of these Capreoline bodies and count them for the Canterlot Royal Logbooks to record. All it takes is time and commitment. Now... are you all in?” Every equine in the room stood up at attention, saluting. “Sir, yes, sir!” “Very well, then,” Sweetie Drops said. “Branch out, each and every one of you. I want every major city in Equestria covered.” She pointed. “Remember... these moose are innocent at heart, and completely unaware of the chaos that poisons them through their otherworldly antlers. We must make a headcount of each and every one of them, dragging them out of hiding if we must. But, at the same time, we must treat each and every one of them like respectable citizens.” She took a deep breath. “Large Numbers wouldn't... have it any other way.” She cleared her throat. “Dismissed.” The various agents filed together, murmuring in tight groups as they shared files and compared notes. In the meantime, Sweetie Drops shuffled over to the stallion situated casually by the doorframe. “Agent Drops,” the elder equine murmured in a raspy voice. “Mister Top,” she said, curtsying slightly. She turned and stood alongside him, gazing at the full length of the briefing room. “I didn't expect to see you here today.” “The gravity of the situation warrants it,” he muttered. “Fine job, by the way.” “I should say the same to you,” she replied, keeping her voice just as low. “Writing that newspaper article for the Canterlot Times... citing Professor Estimates.” She exhaled heavily. “The C.C.B.'s implementation of effective misdirection is laudable. The Anti-Monster Agency could learn a thing or two from you fellas.” “Mmmm... perhaps,” Red Top said with a smile. “And us the same from you, Miss Sweetie Drops... or should I say 'Bon Bon?'" He looked over. "Holing yourself up in Ponyville for these last few years?” The stallion arched a graying eyebrow. “That was a wise decision, considering where the Princess of Friendship chose to make her home. Who knew that—ever since the bugbear—you'd be working for the Agency completely off the clock?” Sweetie Drops rubbed one hoof against another, her faltering eyes slowly lowering to the floor. “I... w-wish I could say I made the decision entirely for the agency.” “Nevertheless, you're the finest agent in the field, and you outrank everypony who's left in the Bureau.” “But... h-how could that be?” Sweetie looked over, muzzle agape. “Large Numbers is... is...” Red Top met her gaze with a stone face. Her pupils shrank, and she swallowed a hard lump down her throat. “When did it happen?” “Two hours ago. It was quiet and peaceful, if you must know. But, just moments before, he had enough time to give me this.” Red Top reached into a saddlebag and produced a single clipboard. He handed it over to Sweetie Drops. “Congratulations, Agent Drops, you are now the head detective of the C.C.B.” Sweetie Drops gently took the clipboard. Atop the top sheet was a violent slash in pencil graphite, indicating the number "one." “So long as you're up for the challenge,” the stallion said. She took a deep breath, jaw clenching. “For Equestria... I am ready for anything.” She turned and glared at the stallion. “And so will every pony who carries an abacus.”