Once Upon a Time…
In a small village just outside the city there lived a pony called Little Red Riding Bloom. She was given this nickname due to the fact that she never took off a little red cape that her granny had made. She did so to hide her blank flank from the other colts and fillies in her class; but after a while, she had grown accustomed to wearing it regardless of her cutie mark.
One day, Little Red Riding Bloom’s mother gave her a basket of apple treats to bring to her granny, who lived in another village on the other side of a thick forest. Although Little Red was a sweet filly at heart, she was known to get a little distracted, just like another certain Pink pony who’s chewing is interrupting this story.
“Hmm? What? Me? Oh, sorry! It’s just that you made all those apple treats sound soooo good and I couldn’t resist eating a few myself!”
How did I make them sound good? All I said was that she had a basket of treats.
“Yeah but it was the WAY you said it! All I could think about were apple pies, and fritters, apple cider, apple muffins… do they make apple muffins? If not they should! They would be so delicious and they would go great with a mug of cider too and—“
Can… I get back to the story, please?
“Oh, sure!”
Thank you. Now, Little Red Riding Bloom’s mother instructed her to stay on the path and not stop for anything or anypony on her way. She warned her that the forest could be a dangerous place, especially for little fillies and colts.
“If it’s so dangerous, why is she letting her go into the forest on her own?”
Because that’s how the story goes Pinkie Pie.
“Well, if Applejack was here SHE wouldn’t let her go into the forest alone. Who KNOWS what kind of mischief that little pony can get into in there!”
Well, if you would let me continue the story we might be able to find out.
“Oh, sorry, my bad! I’ll be quiet now, I promise.”
Little Red Riding Bloom began her journey with a smile on her face and a skip in her step. She sang a merry little tune and reached into the basket pulling out a delectable looking and delicious smelling apple pie.
“I’m sure granny won’t mind if I take a few bites of pie… to keep my strength up of course.” Little Red said to herself as she gobbled up a particularly large piece of pie. The smell of the pie and all the other pastries in her basket were beginning to attract a sizable crowd of forest animals, including the dreaded Big Bad Applewolf who was known for her insatiable hunger for all things apple.
Applewolf was finishing her last juicy apple when she spotted Little Red Riding Bloom. She gasped and leapt out from her hiding place to confront the little filly.
“AppleBlo—er, I mean, Little Red Riding Bloom! What in tarnation are you doing so far in the woods on your own? Don’t you know that there are dangerous critters about?” Applewolf asked.
“Like… you?” Little Red replied, taking a step away from the wolf in fear.
“Yes! Like me! I’m a wolf for Celestia’s sake, and do you know what wolves like to eat?” Applewolf scolded.
“Uh… apple pies?” Little Red said, holding out the remains of the apple pie she had been eating.
“No! I mean, yes, I mean…” Applewolf started, taking the pie from Little Red and finishing it in one bite. “What I meant to say was… where are you headed little filly?”
“I’m on my way to Granny’s house with this basket full of goodies!”
“To granny’s house you say? And where does your granny live?”
“She lives at the end of the forest path in a little old cottage surrounded by apple trees.”
“You don’t say… and does your granny live with other ponies?”
“No, Granny lives alone. That’s why I have to bring her this basket you see, she likes the sweets and she likes the company too.”
“I’ll bet she does, but you know little filly, there are plenty of hours left in the day, what’s your hurry?”
“Momma told me not to dawdle and stick to the path.”
“Did you just say dawdle?”
“Sorry Miss Wolf, but I really should be getting on my way.” Little Red said.
Applewolf paused and contemplated her situation before she concocted the perfect plan to—
“Question!”
Yes Pinkie?
“What’s ‘contemplated’ mean?”
It means ‘to think’.
“Ohhhhhh okay.”
Applewolf paused and contemplated her situation before she concocted the perf—
“Question!”
(sighs) Yes, Pinkie?
“What’s ‘concocted’ mean?”
It means ‘thought up’.
“Ohhhh.”
Can I get back to the story now?
“Uh huh!”
Applewolf paused and contemplated her situation before she concocted the perfect plan to distract Little Red Riding Bloo—
“Question!”
WHAT PINKIE? Do you need to know what the word “DISTRACT” means?
“Oh I don’t need to know what that means, I already know! It’s when you can’t stay focused on something… like you’re interrupted or something.”
Grrrr....You don’t say... Didn’t you have a question?
“I did? Oh I guess I forgot.”
Ugh. Anyway... Applewolf paused and contemplated her situation before she concocted the perfect plan to distract Little Red Riding Bloom from reaching granny’s house. Applewolf intended to get to Granny’s before Little Red so that she could eat the apples from her yard and then finish off Little Red Riding Bloom’s basket for desert. After all, wolves have a rather large appetite and Applewolf was no exception.
“Hey there Little Red, have you noticed what wonderful flowers are bloomin’ in that meadow there?” Applewolf asked.
“Yeah… why?”
“Well don’t ya think Granny would like some flowers to go with her apple desserts?”
“How do you know they’re all apple desserts, Applewolf?”
“Uh… It’s just a guess. That pie you had was mighty tasty but a pony can’t live on pies and cakes alone now can they? They gotta have all kinds of good things to eat, like those daises over there.”
“I… guess that makes sense.” Little Red said with a nod.
“Good! It’s settled then, mustn’t dilly dally now, Granny’ll be wanting a fresh bouquet to go with those desserts. Wait a minute… did I just say ‘dilly dally’? Consarnit story tellers! Stop puttin’ words in my mouth!”
Having been fooled by Applewolf, Little Red Riding Bloom disobeyed her mother’s wishes and strayed from the path to pick some flowers in the meadow. While she did so, Applewolf quickly followed the forest path until she happened upon a little cottage on the other side of the forest. Her eyes widened when she saw that the group of apple trees surrounding the little house were bucked clean of apples. She growled, guessing that they had undoubtedly been harvested and now inside Granny’s cottage. Applewolf approached the house and knocked on the door.
“Huh? Oh… well now who is it?” Granny asked.
“It’s me… Little Red Riding Bloom” Applewolf said, trying to imitate the little filly as best she could.
“Who?”
“Your granddaughter, Little Red.”
“I have a granddaughter named Little Red.”
“That’s who I am, Granny! Little Red!”
“No, I don’t want any filly scout cookies, I’ve got plenty of apples in here thank you.”
Applewolf let out a frightening growl and bucked the door open. It crashed into the wall loudly, but it did not seem to upset the old pony. Instead, she called out
“Who is it?”
“I’m gettin’ mighty tired of this bit Granny, now where are you keepin’ them apples?”
Granny struggled to get out of her rocking chair and slowly make her way towards the kitchen before she gave Applewolf her answer.
“Naw I’ve been growin’ and harvestin’ apples for many years ya darn varmint and I’ll be cornswabbled if I let some apple-theivin’ wolf take this here crop!”
“Who’s writing the dialogue in this story?! What the hay is cornswabbled? AHH!” Applewolf said, ducking when a frying pan soared across the room nearly hitting her in the head.
“Git out! Ya hear? OUT!” Granny cried, throwing more pots and pans at Applewolf.
“Not without yer apples—OW! I’m not leaving here before I—OW! How many frying pans do ya got?!”
“Out out OUT!” Granny said, not showing any signs of stopping her assault on Applewolf.
“OW MY TAIL! Good gracious granny, where are all these comin’ from?! Quite a strong hoof for such an old pony… HEY!” Applewolf said just as one of the frying pans hit her square on the nose.
Granny smirked and nodded her head, reaching for another pan but finding the cupboard bare.
“Shoot, I knew I should have gone with the 120 piece set on them things.”
“Oh FINALLY!” Applewolf said, growling again as she leapt across the room towards Granny.
A few hours passed and Little Red Riding Bloom finally made her way to her Granny’s cottage. As she skipped towards the front door some of the many wildflowers she had collected trailed behind her. She hadn’t intended to stay in the meadow for so long, but the more flowers she found, the more she wanted to collect them. By the time she was finished the meadow had practically been picked clean. She knocked happily at her Granny’s door.
“Granny? Granny are ya in there? It’s me! Little Red!”
There was a long silence followed by the sound of a bed creaking, but no reply.
“Granny?” Little Red Riding Bloom asked, pushing open the door and inviting herself in. “Did ya forget I was comin’?”
“N-no no dear, I’m in here!” Applewolf said, trying her best to make a Granny impression. She had stolen Granny’s nightgown and nightcap and hidden under the covers of her bed hoping to fool the filly. Little Red pushed open the bedroom door curiously.
“There ya are! Whatcha doin’ in bed so early? It’s barely sunset Granny.”
“I…I’ve been real tired from all that apple… bucking…”
“But, you don’t applebuck your own trees Granny, you haven’t for years now!”
“Well I uh… I thought I’d give it a try this year. Whatcha got in that basket there?”
“Oh! I brought you some sweets from momma ‘n me! We made some fritters and pies and caramel apples and cakes…”
“Give ‘em here youngin’!” Applewolf insisted, trying not to look or sound too desperate despite the fact that she was beginning to drool.
“Well, the thing is… I don’t really have any more of ‘em…”
“WHAT?!” Applewolf shouted with a growl.
“Well, ya see, I met this wolf who showed me a meadow of really good-lookin’ flowers and said I should pick some for ya, only thing is… I needed something to nibble on while I picked ‘em and I guess I accidently ate them all up. I have a lot of flowers though!”
“Flowers?! FLOWERS?! I CAN’T EAT FLOWERS I’M A WOL—er… old pony. Flowers mess with the old digestive system.”
Applewolf’s sudden outburst caused Little Red to take a closer look at her Granny and she hesitated.
“My… what big eyes you have granny…”
“Oh right, this bit, ‘the better to see you with my dear’”
“What big hooves you’ve got…”
“The better to pick apples with my dear”
“What big ears you’ve got”
“The better to hear about you gobbling up all my apple treats with!”
“What a big flank you’ve got”
“Flank? You can’t even see my flank! ‘sides, I’d say Rarity’s flank is far bigger than--”
“What a big ego you’ve got”
“Now that there’s just plain rude!”
“What big teeth you’ve got”
“UGH I can’t take this anymore! I’m not yer Granny, see? I’m the wolf!”
“AHH THE WOLF! WHERE’S GRANNY? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?! DID… DID YOU GOBBLE HER UP?” Little Red cried, dropping her basket of flowers and backing into the wall across the room.
“Gobble her up? I don’t gobble ponies I gobble apples! And I was SUPPOSED to gobble those treats you had… but you went and ate them up yourself!”
“HELP! HEEEEELPPPP! THE WOLF IS GONNA EAT ME!” Little Red cried running away from Applewolf towards the door.
“Didn’t you hear me? I don’t eat ponies, I eat apples! Come back here!” Applewolf responded, pursuing Little Red before she could alert other ponies. The pair of them ran around the little cottage causing quite a ruckus, which caught the attention of LumberMac who was passing by. Axe in hoof, he rushed into Granny’s cottage to see what was wrong.
“What’s going on in here?!”
Pinkie, what are you doing?
“Well… I wasn’t in the story yet so I figured I’d be the lumberjack who saves the day! Also, how weird is it that they’re called lumberJACKs and yet that’s not the part Applejack is playing?”
No, pinkie, this is supposed to be LumberMac’s part… where is he?
(muffled sounds of distress)
“N…Nowhere! He’s nowhere. He must have quit or something, didn’t show up. Yup, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!”
Pinkie, where did you hide him?
“Wh-why would you think I hid him?”
(more muffled screams)
“Oh that? That’s something else. Gummy’s at the dentist and he doesn’t like it.”
Gummy doesn’t have teeth, Pinkie.
“…. BUT I WANTED TO BE IN THE STORY!”
Pinkie, let LumberMac go right now.
“FINE! But I still think I would have made a better Lumberjack… LumberPie…”
PINKIE!
(Big Mac screams ‘ow!’ as Pinkie removes the tape from his mouth)
Anyway, Axe in hoof, LumberMac rushed into Granny’s cottage to see what was wrong. When he got inside, he found Little Red Riding Bloom assaulting Applewolf with a little wicker basket.
“Oh thank CELESTIA! Get this little filly away from me!” Applewolf shouted, hiding behind LumberMac and clinging to his back hooves in fear.
“SHE KILLED GRANNY!” Little Red Riding Bloom insisted, trying to get past LumberMac who held her a hoof-length away from Applewolf.
“I did no such thing! If you would just LISTEN to me—“ Applewolf started, but was cut short when a frying pan hit her in the back of the head. From the doorway LumberMac and Little Red could see Granny, holding the frying pan in her mouth and hauling a large cart of frying pans packaged together reading: “120 frying pan set, great for keeping out unwanted guests.”
“That’s scarily accurate!”
Pinkie you’re still in trouble, go back to the bad Pinkie corner.
“Awww…”
“What in tarnation happened in here?” Granny asked looking at the horrendous state of her cottage.
“But Granny… I thought the wolf had gotten you.”
“A wolf best me? No such thing little one. Now you go on and get the broom from the closet and start sweeping up. LumberMac?”
“Eeyup?”
“you can start picking up the furniture.”
“Eeyup.”
“What do we do with the wolf?”
“Don’t you worry none youngin’, I’ve got something in mind for her.”
So Granny, Little Red, and LumberMac tidied the little cottage and re-stacked the frying plans in their proper place. When Applewolf finally came around, Granny convinced her to work as a guard for her little orchard, protecting the apples from pests and thieves alike. In exchange, Granny and Little Red would bake her all kinds of apple goods to satisfy her hunger. But if Applewolf ever decided to get out of line or eat the apples herself, LumberMac wasn’t too far away with a frying pan ready. Little Red Riding Bloom learned never to stray from the path and to stock up on cookware in case of an emergency.
And they all lived apple-y ever after.