Applejack was trotting through the orchard, distractedly examining the trees. Though winter may seem an odd time for tree care, it was important that her trees remained in top shape now so they'd be at their best come spring. But after her odd dream last night, she found herself unable to focus on her current task.
Suddenly, there was the unmistakable sound of a pegasus pony landing hard on the ground with a grunt and skidding through the dirt, as if she had come in for a landing too quickly. Applejack's ears pricked up. “Rainb-?”
But it was not Rainbow Dash.
“Congratu-pony-lations,” Lightning Dust started angrily as she stomped over.
“Whoa, now. There's no need for that kind of language,” Applejack said, stumbling backwards.
“I don't know what you said to her, but Luna's got her feathers bent way out of alignment.”
“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Applejack said, feeling a bead of sweat start to trail down the back of her neck. “I didn't do anythi-”
“She asked me for relationship advice. Me!”
Applejack blinked. “And that's… bad?” she guessed.
“It means she's desperate!” Lightning spat. “Do you know what she was doing earlier? She was reading trashy magazines and practicing pick-up lines on me!”
Applejack blinked again.
“Yeah!” Lightning agreed. “It's that bad. I mean, I like having my flank commented on just as much as any other mare-” here she looked back and wiggled her flank appreciatively before turning back and glaring again, “-but the lines she's trying are…” She shuddered. “You'd have to be half-crazy with heat before you'd even think of falling for these.”
“But… she's a princess,” Applejack protested dumbly. It sounded hollow, even to her own ears.
“And you're the biggest idiot who ever ate hay,” Lightning Dust spat. “She. Likes. You,” she said, accentuating each word with a none-too-gentle poke to Applejack's forehead. “Get that through your thick skull.”
“But-”
“But nothing. She's convinced that the only reason you turned her down is because you think she's too good for you, so she's going to be going crazy trying to convince you that you're something special and should agree to a date, so practice your swooning and stuff, because she's coming to see you soon.”
“I- what?” Applejack wasn't sure she had followed all those pronouns.
Lightning cast a glance at the sky. “Look, I gotta get going. Luna thinks I'm sleeping.”
“You fly this far without her noticing?”
Lightning Dust smirked proudly. “I'm a Shadowbolt. I eat flights like this for breakfast.” She winked, slid her goggles down, and took off, leaving behind her quickly-fading signature contrail.
Applejack watched her leave. “I do not swoon,” she stubbornly maintained.
* * *
That evening, Applejack trotted upstairs, ready to lay down and take a good, long look at her life before drifting off to sleep.
Yet to her surprise, when she arrived, she found that her bedroom was occupied.
She opened the door to find Luna, waiting on her bed. As if that weren't odd enough, she was wearing a black saddle, strapped tightly to her body, and had long, black, lacy socks pulled up on all four legs.
“Your highness?!” Applejack sputtered.
Luna smiled in what she hoped was a sultry gaze. “Forgive the intrusion; I just… missed you.” She leaned down and pointedly sniffed Applejack's pillow.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Th- that so?” she said.
Luna frowned. Perhaps that magazine had been flawed in its advice. Still, she pressed on. Such things never worked at first, after all. “It is my opinion that thine cutie mark is flawed.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow, unsure where Luna was going with that. “Is that so?” she asked again.
“Aye. Such a fine specimen of hindquarters as thine should be adorned with nothing less than a golden medal.” Apparently, laurel leaves were no longer in vogue as first prizes. Odd, that. Golden medals certainly weren't edible.
Applejack stared. Her jaw worked wordlessly as she tried to process the words and their source at the same time. Finally, she managed to squeeze a few words out from her mouth that adequately conveyed her confusion and disbelief. “Did you eat moldy hay this morning?”
Luna's ears drooped and she bit her lower lip. “Is this… wrong?” she asked.
“It's more'n a bit creepy, yeah,” Applejack admitted.
Luna frowned. “But the magazine said…”
“Oh, burn those magazines!” Applejack spat, stamping a hoof. “I get enough of that fakey-romantic junk from Rarity. It's nothin' but a load of nasty hogwash that ain't got nothin' to do with real love.”
“Thank you!” came a voice from outside that sounded suspiciously like Lightning Dust's, followed by a few concurring mumblings in the smooth voices of the noctrali.
Applejack spun around and spluttered. “Do you mind?! Private conversation!”
Silence answered her. An owl hooted off in the distance. At least, it sounded like an owl; Applejack felt like she'd have trouble trusting the creatures of the night ever again. Scowling, Applejack slammed the window shut, barred it, and drew the drapes closed before sliding her dresser in front of it. Then she turned back around.
The two mares stared awkwardly at each other for a moment. Luna brought a hoof up to scratch at the straps of her tight saddle, and Applejack adjusted her hat.
Luna finally spoke. “I believe we… got off with the wrong hoof?”
“Something like that,” Applejack agreed.
“I do wish to court you, if that is not already obvious.”
“Yeah,” Applejack said wryly, “you seem fairly set on it.”
“And it seems that you are only opposed to my affections due to my station?”
Applejack cocked her head.
“Princess,” Luna said, pointing at herself, and then pointed at Applejack. “Not.” She set her hoof down. “This troubles thee.”
Applejack cracked a smile. She had a sudden vision of Celestia signing a law and then raising the sun while wearing a saddle and long socks, complete with a halter. It was, to use Rarity's phrase, quite scandalous.
“Do you really think me so special?” Luna asked, her voice a murmur now. “I can assure th- you, I am a mare like yourself. I have weaknesses. I am subject to happiness, sorrow, pain, joy, fear, lust…” Her voice dropped even lower. “Loneliness…” she added in a tiny whisper.
Applejack nodded.
“Love is not my domain, but I have seen enough dreams in my time to know that love has no bounds. I would court thee, and if thou canst- if you can feel it in your heart to give me a chance, I would show thee that thy princess is quite capable a lover.”
Applejack exhaled. Luna apparently knew what she was getting into, and if she was ok with it—and if she were that dead-set on it to come down here with that getup on—the least she could do was give her a chance. “All right,” she said. “I'll give it a shot.”
Luna clapped her hooves together. “Excellent! But I admit I am still somewhat unlearned as to today's customs.”
Applejack hid her mouth behind a hoof. “Wouldn't've guessed,” she said.
Luna shrugged modestly, taking this as a compliment. “Perhaps you could instruct me on how this is to be done?”
Applejack sighed and hopped up in the bed next to Luna. “I'm not much better at it myself,” Applejack admitted, pulling off her hat and playing with it in her lap. “Always been busy in the orchards.” She chuckled dryly. “Can't even remember the last time I went on a date.”
“Then perhaps we can muddle through this together,” Luna suggested.
Applejack cracked a smile. “Maybe we can. But let's start small.”
“Small?”
“Yeah, you know? Like a picnic or something.”
This was also a new word. “Picnic?” Luna repeated.
“Yeah. We just go out and eat some food together. Nothin' too fancy.”
Luna considered this. “So it is a visit to a restaurant?” she guessed.
“No. We make the food at home, then put it in a basket, take it out to a field somewhere and eat it, on a blanket.”
Luna frowned, considering this. “Would it not be more efficient to merely eat the food where it was prepared?” she asked.
Applejack adjusted her hat. “Well, y- yeah, I guess; but… stop overthinking this!” Applejack scolded, pushing her hat back up. “It's just for fun.”
Luna's ears perked up. “Fun, you say? Then I am, as they say, in,” she said, trying one of her new phrases.
“And, uh, Luna?”
“Yes, Applejack?”
She grimaced and gestured with a hoof. “Lose the socks.”
Luna nodded, conceding defeat. “And the saddle?” she asked.
“That, too,” Applejack said.
Luna lifted up a foreleg and rotated it. “It is a shame. I wonder why more ponies do not wear these. They are quite comfortable,” she observed.
“They're also bedroom clothes,” Applejack pointed out, “and walking around in public like you're hopin' for… uh… a roll in the hay… might not give the best impression.”
Luna frowned. “This is poor apparel for rolling in hay,” she protested. “Hay would get caught in the needlework.” She held out a foreleg for Applejack to examine. “And the fishnet ones would be even worse at entrapping it.”
Luna had fishnet ones? Applejack shook her head to clear it. “That's… not what that means,” she said.
Luna frowned, and then her eyes widened. “That is a euphemism for sensual conduct,” she realized.
Applejack nodded.
Luna's cheeks tinged slightly with red. Memories from only an hour previous returned, and suddenly a few passing comments and overheard hushed conversations made sense. “That explains a few things,” she murmured. “And here I had considered that the Solar Guards stationed tonight were merely poorly trained…”
It was Applejack's turn to realize something, and her eyes widened as well. “You walked through the castle wearing that getup, didn't yo-?”
“Oh, my, observe the time, we must commence with the picnicking! Come along, Applejack!”