MLP: FML

by Maniac92


Nitpicky Prisoner

“THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA EVER!” screamed Spike as he and the ponies slid through a dark underground tunnel. He gripped the fishing rod tighter and yelled, “Who came up with this plan?!”

“You did!” yelled Twilight from behind him.

“Well, why did you guys listen to me?” asked Spike desperately. He screamed as he fell into a hole in the tunnel, dragging the others with him.

Spike dropped out of the hole and slammed into the dirt ground. He cracked his eyes open and looked around. “Huh,” he said, getting up and brushing himself off, “That wasn’t so b-”

Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Pinkie dropped out of the hole and landed right on top of Spike.

Once her head stopped spinning, Twilight got up and looked around. “We must be deep in the Diamond Dogs’ tunnels…” She muttered, gesturing to the holes and tunnels all around them. “Judging by all the entrances and tunnels around us, we must be right in the middle of their den.”

“Great…” mumbled Rainbow Dash, getting up and cracking her neck. “So…which way do we go to save Rarity?”

“I don’t know,” admitted Twilight. “It looks like these dogs have been living here for years. We could spend days searching and not find her.”

“Do you know how to find her, Pinkie?” asked Fluttershy as she helped Applejack get up on her hooves.

“Nope!” said Pinkie happily. “I’m not so good with directions. Or orders. Or abandonment.”

“What was that last one?” asked Applejack.

“O-orders?” stammered Pinkie. “Hey! Maybe Spike will have an idea about where to find Rarity!” She looked around the dark cavern, but couldn’t see the dragon anywhere. “Where’d he go?”

“Um…Pinkie?” said Twilight, pointing downwards.

Pinkie looked down at where she was sitting. “Spike!” she said, getting up quickly. Spike started coughing as he rolled over and got on his knees. “What were you doing under my butt, silly?”

“Suffocating…” choked Spike. “It was like two pink pillows were smothering me.”

“Sorry!” said Pinkie. She turned to Applejack. “And sorry to you too. I didn’t mean to make a move on your man.”

Applejack’s face grew red as she spluttered, “H-he…we…he ain’t mah man!”

“Girls, we need to focus!” said Twilight. She frowned at all the tunnels around them. “We can’t just search all of these things…there has to be a way to narrow it down…”

“Gems…” said Spike quietly, getting to his feet.

“Are you hungry again?” asked Rainbow.

“No…well, yeah, but that’s not the point,” said Spike. He walked to the entrance of a tunnel and said, “Those Diamond Dogs love gems, right? Maybe they took Rarity down a tunnel so she could find more for them.”

“How the hell are we supposed to know which tunnel has the most gems?” asked Rainbow.

Spike looked at Twilight pointedly.

“Oh Spike,” laughed Twilight, “You couldn’t possibly expect me to use my magic to find the tunnel. That would take vast concentration and years of study to possibly-”

“You know the spell Rarity uses, don’t you?” asked Spike.

Twilight sighed. “Can’t you people let me toot my own horn sometimes?”

Applejack pushed Twilight near one of the tunnels. “Toot on your own time, missy! Go on and find Rarity!”

Speaking of

Rarity let out a tired sigh and leaned against the cave’s stone wall. “Can’t you assholes just let me go?”

“Not a chance!” said Spot as he, Rover, and Fido advanced on her. “We need you to do something for us.”

“What you need,” said Rarity, her nose wrinkling in disgust as she looked around, “Is an interior designer. And proper lighting instead of those torches. And some decorations.” She sniffed and gagged. “And a bath.”

You try getting a decent shower when you’re miles underground!” said Fido.

“Shut up, Fido,” said Rover. He turned his gaze to Rarity and said, “What we need, little pony, is your help in finding a very special gem. A gem of great importance to us.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and got off the wall. “Fine,” she said, “But you should know that I charge by the hour. And I expect a tip when I’m finished.” She wandered around the cave, her horn glowing as she searched.

Rover nodded. “Fine. Spot, go get Fido’s piggy bank.”

“What?!” screamed Fido. “That’s completely unfair!”

“Fine,” said Rover tiredly, “Fido, you go get your piggy bank.”

Fido nodded, satisfied. “That’s more like it.”

“Aha!” exclaimed Rarity. She pointed to the ground. “There are some gems right there!” She turned and smiled at the Diamond Dogs, who stared at her. Rarity’s smile faded as she looked at the three in confusion.

Minutes passed.

Rover cleared his throat awkwardly. “…Um…aren’t you going to…?” He made a scooping motion with his paws.

Rarity pawed the ground lightly with her hooves. She looked back up and shrugged. “Doesn’t appear to be working. Maybe one of you wastes of space could do something, hmm?”

“You little...” growled Fido, moving forward.

“Fido, stop,” said Rover. “Let’s just dig up the gems, ok? The sooner we do, the sooner we can see if she found it.”

Fido snarled at Rover. “You’re too soft! This is why most of the pack left when the Boss died! If I was in charge-”

“You’re not, though!” yelled Spot. “Rover’s trying to-”

“Excuse me, boys?” said Rarity. “I’d like to go somewhere that doesn’t smell like a zoo. So if you wouldn’t mind shutting the fuck up and digging so I can move on with my life, that’d be just peachy.”

“Fine,” said Rover. “We’ll dig for you. But…” He snapped his fingers.

Spot and Fido grinned as they walked away. They came back with a wagon and a collar.

“If we’re paying you by the hour, you could at least earn it, don’t you think?” said Rover.

“Can’t I just stand around and look pretty?” asked Rarity, fluttering her eyelashes.

“No,” said Rover. He snapped his fingers again and Fido dropped the wagon behind Rarity. Spot hooked the collar onto the wagon and then put it around Rarity’s neck.

“You do know that I could choke myself on this?” asked Rarity.

“Wouldn’t that be a shame…” said Rover. He and the other dogs walked over to the spot Rarity indicated and began digging.

“Ooh!” said Rarity, looking at what they dug up. “A ruby. And a sapphire!” She gasped. “And a garnet! Aren’t you lucky?” She pointed to the collar around her neck. “Now…how about letting me go?”

Rover walked over and dropped the gems into the wagon. “Unfortunately for all of us, those aren’t quite what we’re looking for.” He smirked at Rarity. “But don’t worry. We have all the time in the world to find it.”

“Hooray…” muttered Rarity. Her horn glowed as she picked up a nearby stick. She began marking the walls where she sensed gems were hiding. Once she was done, she tossed the stick aside and said, “There. Go crazy.”

Rover whistled and armor-clad dogs began digging the walls and floor.

Rarity began pulling the cart around the room as the dogs dropped gems into the wagon. “You know,” she began idly, “This reminds me of my first job.”

“Oh yeah?” asked Rover, bored. “What job was that?”

“I used to work at this dress shop,” began Rarity. “I would go around the dressing rooms picking up clothes that the customers threw on the floor…”

An hour later:

“…And I said, ‘Suri, you stupid bitch, of course that dress makes your ass look big…”

Another hour later:

“…I was cleared on all charges of course, but they never did find who put the body in the ceiling…”

Another hour later:

“…So,” continued Rarity, “I decided to open my own boutique in Ponyville. It really is a lovely place…aside from the spiders. Luckily my good friend Applejack is quite proficient in killing those little bastards. Have I told you about Applejack? She-”

“Picks apples for a living, we know!” yelled Rover. He looked around the room desperately. Spot was in the fetal positon on the floor, his eye twitching. Fido was banging his head against the wall. The rest of the dogs were simply staring straight ahead, as though remembering some great, horrible tragedy.

“Oh, I did tell you about her then?” asked Rarity. “Well this one time she-” Rarity suddenly coughed. “Does anyone have a glass of water?”

The armor-clad dogs pushed one another out of the cave, desperate to get away from the chatty unicorn.

“Alone at last,” said Rarity casually.

“What do you-?” began Rover, turning to face her.

Rarity’s horn glowed and her collar popped off. She swung around and kicked Rover in the stomach before making a beeline for the cave’s exit.

“Stop her!” wheezed Rover. “We still need to find that gem!”

Spot and Fido chased after the fleeing unicorn and tackled her. They held the struggling Rarity down on the ground.

“Stop…fidgeting!” yelled Fido. A white hoof swung out and smashed against his nose, causing blood to spurt out. “Goddammit, why do you people keep hurting my face? What is wrong with my face?!”

“Well those burns for one thing, but if you really want to get into it…” began Spot.

“Shut up!” yelled Fido. Together, the two Diamond Dogs got Rarity back up and over to the wagon, hooking her back up.

Rover strode forwards and put a metal ring around Rarity’s horn. “There! That’ll stop you from using magic.”

Rarity looked down at her dirty coat and said, “Look what at what you brutes did! I have dirt and nose blood on me!”

“Well, sorry!” yelled Fido, holding his possibly broken nose. “Next time we’ll just let you escape!”

“I would appreciate that, yes,” said Rarity.

“Enough!” yelled Rover. “Stop talking and find our gem!” He slapped Rarity’s rear. “Go!”

Rarity laughed. “Is that the best you can do? My grandmother slaps harder!” She raised her rear and said, “Do it again!”

Rover growled and slapped Rarity’s rear again.

“Again!” yelled Rarity.

Slap

“Harder!” screamed Rarity.

SLAP

“Now pull my mane as you do it…” said Rarity breathlessly, a blush on her face.

“I…what?” asked Rover.

“Pull my mane and spank me like you mean it!” yelled Rarity.

“I…I don’t want to anymore…” said Rover. “I feel dirty…”

“DO IT!” screamed Rarity. “I’ve been a naughty filly! Spank me!”

“No!” said Rover, backing away. He turned tail and ran.

Rarity chased after him, dragging the wagon with her and screaming, “Spank me again, you son of a bitch!”

“Leave my mother out of this!” yelled Rover as the crazy pony chased him around the room.

Spot and Fido watched as their leader ran for his life.

“Should we help?” asked Spot.

“Listen,” said Fido, holding his nose, “In the course of one day, I’ve had my face set on fire and my nose broken. I’m fucking done.”

Meanwhile:

“God…” panted Rainbow as she and the others ran down the tunnel. “How far does this thing go? It feels like we’ve been running for hours!”

“We’re getting close!” said Twilight.

“How can you tell?” asked Fluttershy.

“GET BACK HERE!” yelled a familiar voice.

“That was Rarity!” said Spike.

“That’s how,” answered Twilight.

The ponies and Spike all walked into a large cavern. At the end of it was a large metal door with a lock on it.

“That’s gotta be where they’re keepin’ her!” said Applejack.

Suddenly, a large group of armor-clad Diamond Dogs dropped out of the tunnels. “Intruders!” one yelled.

“Aw yeah!” said Rainbow, getting low to the ground. “Time for some-”

“Oh God!” screamed one of the dogs. “It’s more ponies! Run before they tell more stories!”

The dogs all scrambled back into their holes, whining and whimpering as they did so.

“…Action?” finished Rainbow, getting back up. “What the hell just happened?”

“Who cares?!” said Spike, hopping off Twilight’s back. He ran to the metal door and used his flame breath to melt the lock. He kicked the door open and charged inside, screaming, “Rarity, I’m coming to save-”

“SAVE ME!” yelled a voice.

Spike found himself getting bowled over by Rover as he ran out of the room. “You…” he said woozily as he got back up.

“Spike!” said Rarity, walking over to him. “And everyone else! You’re here!”

Twilight used her magic to get rid of Rarity’s collar and ring. “Rarity…why was that Diamond Dog running away from you?”

“Because he hits like a little girl!” yelled Rarity at Rover, who yipped and hid behind Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash snarled and spun around. She grabbed Rover and put him in a headlock. “Alright, asshole!” she yelled. “What’s the big idea kidnapping our friend?!”

“W-we just wanted her to find the gemstone our boss hid from us!” said Rover. “That’s all we wanted!”

Rarity’s horn glowed and she jumped. “Oh! Spike, I need your help.” She pointed at the wall.

Spike walked over and dug into the wall. He pulled out a clear, glass-like gem. He narrowed his eyes at it. “Is…is that a key in the middle of it?”

“Let me have it! Please!” begged Rover.

Spike shrugged and gave it to Rover…who smashed it on the ground.

The Diamond Dog dropped to his knees and grabbed the key out of the pile of shards. “Yes! Now we can open our bank again!”

“…What?” asked Rarity.

“Our bank! Diamond Dog International,” explained Rover. “Our boss stole and hid the key from us so we would mine gems for him. But now that we’ve got it back, we can go back to Canterlot and reopen!”

“Why did he bury it?” asked Fluttershy.

Rover looked at her like she was an idiot. “Um…hello? Dogs? We bury things all the time!”

“Ok…” said Spike. “But why didn’t you just call a locksmith or something to open the door of your bank for you?”

Rover blinked. He slapped his forehead and said, “Fuck.”

Later:

The ponies and Spike were traveling back to Ponyville. Each of the girls was dragging a heavy wagon of gems behind them.

“It was nice of those Diamond Dogs to give you their gems while they headed back to Canterlot, Rarity,” said Twilight.

“I can’t believe you held your own against those guys!” said Rainbow.

“Rarity, why’s your butt so red?” asked Pinkie.

Rarity coughed loudly, a blush appearing on her face. “…It was no trouble at all. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

Spike ran up to Rarity, dragging his red wagon behind him. “Well, now you’ve got more than enough gems for Sapphire Shores.”

“Yes,” said Rarity. She smiled at Spike. “I still need to give you your reward, don’t I?” Her horn glowed. The sapphire she tried to give Spike earlier floated in front of him. “There you go. And you can have as many of the leftover gems after I make those dresses.”

“Thanks, Rarity,” said Spike, grabbing the sapphire. He stopped to look at it. As he gazed at the blue jewel, it began to glow. “What?” muttered Spike, looking at it.

“Spike?” asked Twilight.

Spike looked up and noticed that the girls were walking away from him. “Keep up!” said Twilight.

“Y-yeah…” said Spike. He looked back at the sapphire. To his surprise, it wasn’t glowing anymore. “What’s with this gem?” he asked. He stared at it for a moment, but the glow didn’t return. “I better hold on to this…” he said. He gripped the sapphire tight and ran after the girls.