//------------------------------// // I Don't Find Jokes Funny // Story: I Am The Night(mare)! And so is Luna? // by LordBrony2040 //------------------------------// Dreams. To be honest, I didn’t know all that much about dreams from the pre-pony knowledge. I’m not talking about the neuroscience definition, with the rapid eye movement and synapses firing explanation. I’m talking more along the metaphysical, nonscientific, and feely kind of definition. Because that was probably the kind of definition that would have helped me with what I was experiencing. I blinked at the long corridor of starlight and doors that seemed to continue on forever. Each door led to a dream, and each dream was…well…some touchy feely, non-scientific thing that defied explanation. Although the what was even weirder was the fact that I was in a place that was connected to every unconscious mind in Equestria was the fact that Luna and I were still sharing an existence. We were walking around as Nightmare Moon, even though we weren’t even in our bodies and moving through the realm of dreams. It was even like this in our own dreams, which were pretty much the ultimate lucid dream what with us being the Mistress of Dreams. It kind of hurt to think about. So I focused on other things. Or at least, the one thing around there was to focus on: doors. Lots and lots of doors. “So…each one of these doors leads to a dream?” “Yes. The ones with the windows belong to ponies who have open, peaceful minds. Ones with darker colors are having troubled dreams,” Luna explained to me as we looked around at each of the doors that stretched on forever. However, there was one type of door that didn’t match with her ‘dark doors equal bad’ explanation. I reached out with my hooves over beside me to a door of bright reddish-pink. “What about these?” I asked while opening the door with a hoof. “NO! DO NOT TOUCH-” Inside, my eyes did glimpse true horror as my ears were assaulted by the most terrible of sounds. “Oh Yeah! Come on, POUND THAT CAKE!” A second later, my Luna moved our foreleg to slam the door shut. And I proceeded to fall onto our side, and bring in our hind legs close. “Doors of bright red are of the amorous types and…I prefer not to interfere with them for…obvious reasons.” From my position on the floor, I could only agree as I finished curling up into a little ball and gently rocked back and forth for comfort. Sure it was a dream, and they weren’t really doing THAT on the counter of Sugar Cube Corner, but… “I’m never going to be able to eat sweets in Ponyville again!” “Oh very well, let us leave this realm, and I shall use the rest of the night to teach you a memory erasure spell.” Luna woke us up much earlier than usual on the day we were scheduled to go to Ponyville. And I’m talking like, several hours. I think we managed to get a whole three hours of sleep before Nightwing knocked on our door and triggered our morning routine. As we went through all the usual motions, plus a few more since we were going to be visiting friends today, I couldn’t help but look back on the previous few days with a bit of disappointment. Apart from nearly a whole week of failing to separate from Luna again, the slow magic lessons were accompanied by new ‘training’ that the owner of our body came up with. Since Luna couldn’t just direct us in public without looking completely crazy, she had devised a system to signal me on our movements using a complex system of motions involving our tongue. I wasn’t all that thrilled about the new kind of backseat driving that didn’t even require her to speak, but…it was Luna’s car I was using. So she made the rules. Thankfully, she trusted me enough not to constantly try and talk me into going where we needed to. We also tried a few speech lessons for Luna to help her use the modern vernacular. They didn’t take very well. It was when we had been in Luna’s personal bath that was big enough to swim in for a good ten minutes (since Luna detested those ‘newfangled’ inventions called showers) that she finally got conversational. “Pray tell, why was it that you insisted until today that we waited to visit Ponyville?” she asked. It was a fair question. Especially since I let Luna call the shots when it came to deciding what we were going to do most of the time. The only reason I was even learning magic was because Luna refused to be connected with a creature that couldn’t. The fact that it was cool was just a bonus. And I was also kind of hoping the metaphysical side of the lessons would help with getting me out of Luna’s body. “Oh…well…I just wanted to try and work on separating us and learn how to do more things with our horn since we’re still having trouble with…that,” I finished rather lamely. The truth was something far different and had nothing to do with either our separation attempts or magic, or lack of flight lessons. No, the fact that we were going to Ponyville today was simply because Twilight had mailed a friendship report to Princess Celestia the two days before. I hadn’t read over it, although the first line had begun with something about a friend in need being a friend in deed. That was all Tia managed to get through before I left the dining table in excitement to set everything up. After all, Twilight solved a friendship problem once every week. If her problem for this week was done already, that meant I was in the clear and had a good four days to play around in Ponyville! Luna groaned at the mention of our last separation attempt. “Do not remind me of what transpired. I would use an amnesia spell upon myself, but I doubt Celly would ever let me forget it.” I tried to look on the positive side of things. “Well um…if you ask me, we were closer to success this time.” “The expulsion of foul odors from our rectum while attempting to separate does not count as moving closer to success,” Luna deadpanned. “Now flip us back upon our belly so that I may begin our mane treatment.” After I did as commanded, crawling onto a raised area of the bathing pool to lay down in a spot that only put us halfway in the water, Luna lit up our horn and began adding shampoo to our mane and tail. As she did, I noticed something wrong with the princess taking care of herself like she was. “Hey Luna, aren’t we supposed to have some ponies that do this sort of thing?” Not that I was against combing my own hair in the mornings. But…look, hooves needed cleaning at the end of the day. Even ones covered by horseshoe slippers like the princesses wore got dirty. And I didn’t even like to think about the pony version of trimming fingernails we had to go through every few days with a heavy duty file before we applied the hoof-care treatment that kept them all shiny. Although she couldn’t talk and use magic at the same time, I could almost hear the groan that preceded her mental voice before she answered. “Have you so suddenly forgotten how the servants act around us?” she asked. “The peasants of Ponyville might have seen past the legend of Nightmare Moon after we played with their foals in that little hamlet, but the ponies of Canterlot still cower in our presence.” That severely decreased my general level of contentment. “Sorry.” “Oh stop going on about that! I have already absolved thee of any guilt,” Luna told me for the one-hundred and twelfth time. “Thou art not the same creature that I did invite into my mind a millennia past… The only one of us that may still carry shame of that time is me.” Like usual, I groaned at Luna’s insistence that she was still to blame for things, while ‘the Nightmare’ got off scot-free. While I sure as hell didn’t want to carry around the actions of the old Nightmare Moon, the fact that Luna was willing to forgive ‘me’ without doing the same to herself was just so many levels of wrong. On top of which, whenever we talked about this crap, Luna usually went into a melancholy state for hours that I had to break her out of with something to distract her from her thoughts long enough to snap the alicorn out of her funk. But…I was kind of running out of ideas when it came to just how I was going to do that. After all, I had already pointed Luna towards several of Equestria’s modern devices that I knew she would enjoy, from record players to video game machines. However, that kind of stuff was only temporary fix. While it would usually work, that was only until she started to notice the looks everypony was giving her. Then the decline in mood started again, and we were usually back where we started in two or three days. What I needed to do was find a real solution to her pony relations problem. Some way to show once and for all that there was nothing to worry about when it came to Luna and Nightmare Moon. If I could do that, Luna might actually be able to keep a good mood long enough to start working through some of her guilt. I needed…something…like… Well, if I knew the answer to that question, I would have gone after it already. I sunk back into the water and waited for Luna to get done with our grooming while I just sat in the tub with my thoughts. As much as I hated to admit it…I needed help with this. After the bathing was finished, I moved to put on our new regala. To help with the new image, the light-blue leftovers of clothes that had been Nightmare Moon’s had been replaced by silver ones. Our chestpiece was the dark blue color Luna should have been, with her cutie mark symbol on the chest. As for our new crown, it had taken weeks to decide on and craft. Celestia had a little one all ready to go when Luna came home, based off Luna’s original size by the looks of it. But on the head of Nightmare Moon, it just looked...dinky. So we had commissioned a new one made from obsidian, equal in size to Celestia, colored to match the rest of our regalia, with a trio of diamonds in the center to give it a little sparkle and panache. If Celestia was going to have jewels in her crown, the so were we damnit! She had said rule together, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to reduce Luna to being a second-string princess that didn’t even get as much screentime as Cadance! Once we had finished making ourselves look presentable, going the whole ten yards with makeup, eyeshadow, the toothpaste that gives teeth that extra shine, I headed out the door and towards the solar court. While Celestia might not like being interrupted, I really needed to talk to her on this whole public relations problem that Luna was having. Sure there had been a few attempts to get her out there when she first showed up, but...they had kind of died off after the first three attempts ended with ponies rushing out of the room with their tails between their legs. I needed to see if Celestia had any other plans other than just waiting for other ponies to warm up to us. Because as most of them were still shivering in our presence, it looked to be an impossibly long thaw. A long walk down the stairs and through the hallways brought us where I wanted. “Next!” the guard shouted from someplace out of sight, but nearby. The room where Celestia held court was...impressive. The whole place was obviously meant to convey power, but also openness. All along the side walls, I spotted stained glass windows showing important events in Equestrian history. There were events like the founding of Equestria, the coronation of the sisters, Cadance’s ascendency, and...rather than a picture of Nightmare Moon being spanked by the Elements, there was a colorful window that showed the mare that was me and Luna descending from the moon on a rainbow bridge made from the light that came from six different ponies. I trotted us into the throne room, walking past the long line of commoners and minor nobles that didn’t think they were important enough to interrupt Celestia whenever she was doing real work later on in the day. As usual, the little ponies took one look at the big bad Nightmare Moon, and looked around nervously. Some even left altogether as fast as their hooves would carry them. We did have to walk around the pony at the front of the line. I did offer her a bit of an apology though. “Pardon us old mare.” Meanwhile, Celestia’s expression went from a frozen look of serenity to one of concern the minute we walked in. I didn’t really blame her. We never visited the goddess during her court. “Luna, is something wrong?” Luna let out a grunt. “Ask Nightmare, Sister, tis she who insisted on bursting in.” When Celestia cockd her head ever so slightly, I thought best how to approach this. Which really needed to start with me getting to talk to Celestia in private. As private as we could be, anyway. “Excuse me!” the crotchety voice of the old mare called out rather deeply. When we looked back down and blinked at her, she continued “I am a stallion!” I gave him a nervous laugh or two. “Oh! Um…sorry about that.” Although considering how I usually told mares and stallions apart, he should have been happy I didn’t try to peek under his tail. “And I’m not old, I’m thirty seven!” Since I didn’t really know how old Equestrian ponies lived, as a normal horse would have been dead five times over by then, I slunk down just a little bit. “And that that.” There was the defense of not being able to see his face, but…I didn’t feel like arguing and thought it best to just let him get things over with. “And just what gives you the right to just up and cut in line like that, huh?” he demanded. That…actually got Luna’s dander up. Sure, he was speaking to me, but most ponies didn’t seem to get that there were two of us in on body unless we laid that fact out for them. Luna took and extra second to make us frown down at him before she spoke. “I am thy Princess, peasant.” The earth pony snorted in indignation. “I have a name, you know.” “Well, as I know not thine name, I shall simply refer to thee as peasant till thou doth find the manners to introduce thyself,” Luna told him. Anger usually made her go full-Shakespearean. Celestia looked over to us. “Um, Luna…perhaps you should-” “Well heeeeere we go again, the big horses pushing around the little ponies,” the earth pony went on. “And I’ll have you know, my name is Monty, Monty Python!” At which point I looked at the pony’s cutie mark to see…a golden chalice that clashed horribly with his tattered clothing. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I mumbled just loud enough for Celestia to hear. “Sorry girls but…you’re on your own here.” After six weeks in Equestria, I knew a trap when I saw one. It was pretty...creepy really. I mean, seeing references in the show was fun and all, but seeing them walk down the street was just...weird. So like any responsible adult, I did my best to ignore them. Luna went back to frowning at the pony. “Yes well, I do apologize for not noticing thy manhood from the rear. Thy objections in that regard are well-founded.” “What I object to is you automatically treating me like an inferior!” the earth pony went on. “Just what makes you so much better than me that you just get to trot in here whenever you feel like it while somepony like me has to wait for hours just to voice my concerns to the uncaring government in a waste of time that probably should have been spent working?” Once the peasant was finally done, Luna blinked. “Didst thou not hear the part where I proclaimed myself thy princess?” “My little pony, that’s not-” “Oh yeah? And just what made you a princess then?” he demanded before Celestia could finish, making the other goddess rear her head back in surprise. “What makes you qualified for this job?” It was probably confusion that stopped the alicorn not only from smiting the idiot right then and there, but made Luna actually answer the question truthfully. “Dost thou not see the horn and wings? Not to mention the fact that I control the lunar cycles and my centuries of experience in government. Oh, and my eternal life, which gives me a greater concern for the future than any mortal pony could possibly have since I will be having to live with the consequences of mine actions. “HA!” the earth pony went on, pointing an accusing hoof at Luna. “You just go around exploiting the abilities of the farming tribe to grow crops and do all the real work, holding your celestial bodies hostage so that the government can hold onto its outdated governmental dogma of horned pony superiority!” Celestia cleared her throat. “Well actually, I’d say the sun is more controlling of plant growth when it comes to-” “Celly please! I am dealing with this infuriating peasant!” Luna interrupted before she turned us back to the pony peasant. “So our dogma is outdated is it? Then what brilliant suggestion would you, as an all-knowing farmer who has not the intelligence to procure fine clothing for his audience with thine rulers suggest?” Monty sniffed and held his head up high. “Well it’s obvious. We need to convert to a commune system in which the kingdom is divided into several districts, and different ponies are given turns as the executive officer. And in order to facilitate fairness, all the decisions of the executive officer have to be ratified in special bi-weekly meetings of everypony within the commune itself.” “Well, that sounds rather stupid once you take into the lack of common sense in the average pony, as well as their inability to plan for more than a few years in advance,” Luna told him. “Not to mention it is a proven fact that if ten ponies of opposing political and socioeconomic views are put within the same room, they would be completely unable to decide on pizza toppings, much less how the government is to be run.” However, the stallion in rags kept going. “Internal matters could be settled with a simple majority-” “Do shut thy mouth now-” “-while external matters would require a two-thirds majority-” "THY PRINCESS DEMANDS SILENCE!" The force of Luna’s voice blew the pony back a bit, but it didn’t deter him for long. “Ugh, more forceful oppression by those in power! First they wrongfully obtained it and now they force us to accept their outdated views!” Celestia cleared her throat. “Actually Monty Python, our positions as princesses were given to us by Starswirl the Bearded, under the order of the first rulers of Equestria. Two of whom were elected, two of whom were given their positions by merit, and one of which was trained since birth to fulfill her role as princess,” she explained in an actually sweet voice. “That is why we are your rulers. So you see, we were indeed chosen by elected representatives.” For a moment, it seemed as if Celestia’s surprise declaration had salvaged everything. Monty stared at her for a moment, and then…his face turned sour once again. “Well I sure as hay didn’t vote for either of them!” the earth pony shot back. “And another thing, why was it Starswirl the Bearded? Old unicorns with bells on their hats just handing out fancy crowns is no basis for a system of government!” The declaration got a sigh out of Celestia. “Oh…I see now, you’re one of those ponies.” “Supreme executive power derives from the mandate of the masses! You can’t except to wield supreme executive power just because some old coot handed you a crown thousands of years ago! What about term limits? Impeachment? I CALL FOR A REFORMATION OF THE EQUESTRIAN GOVERNMENT!” Luna growled as the stallion stood on his hind legs to wave his hooves around while he shouted. “Oh, shut up already!” she cried out before our horn began to glow. “I mean, if I just went around calling myself a princess just because a bunch of dead ponies told some old geezer to conk me in the head with some fancy metal, everypony would think I was off my rocker and put me away!” “A novel idea,” Celestia spoke up. “Sister dear, would you remove this pony from the throne room so that my more sensible subjects might be able to have some of their problems solved?” Thanks to Luna controlling our horn, I took the liberty to respond. “With pleasure Tia.” A second later, the stallion was lifted into the air. “Ah ha! Now you all see the problems inherent in the system! Look, look everypony! I’m being repressed!” he shouted as Luna floated him out of the room. Unfortunately, by the time I had gotten the rabble rouser out of the throne room, put him in the palace dungeons for disrupting the running of government, and filled out the paperwork for his forty-eight hour sentence, it was time to go. So I never did get to talk to Celestia about Luna’s need for some pro-Luna PR events before I headed for Ponyville. Like last time, I left Nightwing in Canterlot. Cadance also decided to stay home. Considering I had given her less than a twenty-four hour warning about my plans, I couldn’t really be mad at her. Still, it would have been nice not to be the only horny pony in town with wings. Unlike last time, Ponyville looked…normal. Happy. A nice place to visit. We got a few looks from ponies, but they were more out of wide-eyed surprise than terror. Ponies still bowed when I walked close enough to them though. It was…well… I would have preferred they just saved it for special occasions and maybe when I walked in a building. Bowing to the two of us on the street just seemed like too much trouble for the ponies. The course I set didn’t take us straight to the tree house though. The messed up morning schedule that Luna had set for us meant we hadn’t eaten yet, and so she directed us to Sugar Cube Corner for some sustenance. Plus, Pinkie Pie would be there, if there was anypony who knew where the girls were, it was Pinkie Pie. After we came into the building and looked around, put up with the bowing of the few ponies that were there eating, and looked around the sweet shop that was mostly empty due to the post-breakfast pre-lunchtime period. I also noticed a problem with Luna’s plan to have a snack and talk to Pinkie at the same time. That being the fact that Pinkie Pie wasn’t working the register. Instead, we got the beyond pudgy Mrs. Cake. And she was…large. Unusually large. Certainly pudgy, but…she was showing way more than any pony I had seen before. And…it was kind of off-putting. I mean, Pinkie might have had a few extra pounds, but this old mare had really let herself go. “Oh! Princess Luna!” the mare cried out in what I would only call a fearful surprise. “What an honor. We um…weren’t expecting you to return to Ponyville so soon.” Luna let out a light chuckle, as we walked over to the counter. “Calm thyself my little pony, we are not here in an official capacity,” she told the big little horse with a smile. “Although, if thou would indulge my curiosity…when is thy child due?” I…blinked, and felt like slapping myself. I had completely forgotten about the kids she was supposed to have! And that meant pregnancy, with twins. Which of course bloated the pony up like there was no tomorrow. Cup Cake let out a tiny sigh. “Not for some time I’m afraid. Um, is there anything I can get you?” “Dost thou have anything fresh?” Luna asked a little too cautiously for my liking. Sure, it was just Mrs. Cake, but that was no reason not to be as nice as possible to a Ponyville pony. “Well…no,” she said hesitantly. “But I’m sure it wouldn’t take very long to make you something! Just name it! Anything you want Princess!” I held up a hoof and fought with Luna for a few seconds so she could let me talk. “Mrs. Cake, you can calm down. We’re not going to send you to the moon for not having a few doughnuts ready for us after we came in at ten o’clock,” I assured her gently. “Indeed,” Luna agreed. “Simply have thine stallion prepare whatever is the quickest for a small snack to tide us over until lunch in a few hours. I care not if it is cold. And please, enough with the bowing. A mare in your position is more than excused from it. Your foal should be your primary concern, not my pride.” Although she didn’t put her face on the floor again, the larger mare did lower her head. “Of course, thank you your highness.” After the large pony left us, I stood at the counter for a few moments. “You know, if you wanted fast food, we could have gone to a Burger Princess or something on our way out of Canterlot and eaten on the way here.” The thought of everypony’s reactions when Luna would have pulled up in her chariot to the ordering window would have been worth it. Luna’s groan told me what she thought of that idea. “Let us just find a seat and wait for our meal.” As we started to turn around, I heard the door open and looked for Pinkie Pie at the front of the shop. What I got was something a bit more…mint green, and horny, who had a creamy earth pony that may have been attached at the hip with her. “Bon-Bon, I can’t thank you enough for making those reservations. After what happened with Minuette, she needs-uh, why are you putting your face on the floor like that?” “I really don’t know,” I said with a smirk both on my face, and in my voice. “Ponies just seem to do that around me for some reason.” Lyra turned her head to give us a wide-eyed stare, and quickly prostrated herself on the ground in front of her girl friend, that may have actually been her fillyfriend. “Your Majesty! Um…” Before Lyra could say something, or Luna could take offense, I grabbed onto the opportunity her appearance presented. “Hey…haven’t I seen you in Canterlot before?” “Um…maybe, your Majesty, I just moved here a few weeks ago,” Lyra replied nervously. Not the scared kind of nervous though, just the ‘I’m talking to a demi-goddess’ kind of nervous. She wasn’t even trembling. I took a few seconds to think up my next line. “You were with that yellow pony with the light blue hair…now, what was her name?” Luna seized control of our mouth. “Lemon Hearts,” she replied after turning to look at our shoulder. “She was the pony that did organize the greeting ceremony Celestia insisted upon once we returned to the castle. And you may rise my little ponies.” The memory of that little debacle made me wince, and I swung our head back to address Luna. “Ohhhhh, right…that thing.” Needless to say, Luna’s first real big public appearance hadn’t gone over very well in the alicorn’s mind. While we didn’t end up knocking over any statues, or blow anything up, the palace staff hadn’t reacted very well to being brought in front of Nightmare Moon as they were forced to introduced themselves, if politely. Celestia had hoped that it would show everypony Luna and I weren’t dangerous. As everypony had been trembling in fear at the time, I don’t think they got the message. And Celestia had just been standing there with the rather useless advice of ‘just give them time’ and ‘small steps’ along with some other drivel neither of us had been bothering to listen to. “P-Princesses?” Bon-Bon spoke up, giving us a worried look. “Is everything okay?” Lyra leaned over to the other mare. “Uh…Bon-Bon, why is she talking to herself like that?” Bon-Bon let out a loud sigh. From the looks of things, monster-hunting had given her a much more stable backbone than her friend. “Oh right, you were stuck in Canterlot because we had to shut down the trains running to Ponyville last week for the storm. You see, Princess Luna and Night-” Whatever she was going to say was cut off by a loud, telltale crash that made me wince. I looked up and…there was Rainbow Dash, half of her body actually sticking halfway through the wall. Judging by the fact that I couldn’t see her wings, I was pretty sure they were what had stopped her from flying all the way through. Her being upside down though, that was a little…unexpected. My surprise lasted longer than Luna’s though. “Rainbow Dash! Are thou harmed?” she asked in a concerned voice. “What happened?” Bon-Bon groaned. “Don’t worry about it Princess, this happens so much around Ponyville since Rainbow Dash moved here, there’s even a pool going on to bet what she crashes into next.” “Hey!” Rainbow cried out in anger as her cheeks turned red and she struggled to get out of her predicament. “I’m getting better! And it wasn’t even my fault this time! This stupid curse-” “Rainbow, you’re a curse,” Bon-Bon told her, an action that came close to putting Bon-Bon on my shit list. Ponyville pony or not, Mane Six ponies were well above everything else on the planet as far as I was concerned. You didn’t insult them without getting a good smack. The pegasus growled. “No! This-ugh-time I-unf-really…ugh-have a-raag-AAAAAAA!” Rainbow replied before she finally got unstuck and then…from the sound of the impact outside, crashed into something else. “RAINBOW!” I cried out from the pegasus pony’s disappearance. Bon-Bon just let out a loud, blowing-off sigh. “Don’t worry Princess, this sort of stuff happens to her all the time.” I looked down to Bon-Bon to glare at her. “That doesn’t mean she couldn’t be hurt! What the hay are you doing throwing insults at a pony that just crashed through a bucking wall anyway?” And with that, I raced out the door to find the pegasus before Bon-Bon could reply. It wasn’t really all that hard. Her uneven cries told me to look up, and I saw Rainbow doing loops and turns that the laws of physics said were impossible on so many levels. What with her flying around in such an erratic state, I looked up at my horn nervously. “Uh…Luna, could you get her?” Grabbing a moving target like Rainbow Dash without hurting her…yeah, didn’t have much confidence for pulling something like that off yet. “Very well,” she agreed. “Although, I am beginning to question thy judgment on selecting her to be the pony that shows you how to fly.” A second later, a blue glow surrounded Rainbow Dash, and she was slowly lowered to eye level with me and Luna as her wings beat against our magic. “Ugh, thanks Princess,” she said in the air. “I don’t know what’s going on! Ever since I woke up this morning, my wings haven’t stopped flapping and-” Whatever she was saying to me was lost as I looked at something that made me tense. Rainbow Dash’s wings looked…off. Like, really off. And it was like a kick to the gut that made me realize what was wrong. “Rainbow…why are your wings upside down?” It took us a few minutes for Luna to walk me through a spell that created a net of stretchable magic energy that bound Rainbow’s wings to her side without putting any force on the rest of her body. The things still tried to force the magic off of her, but Luna assured us that Rainbow’s wings would be bound for at least ten hours without someone to undo the spell. As we walked to the library, the little pegasus told us what was going on, and I had to fight not to groan as she accused Zecora of cursing everyone when they went into the Everfree Forest after Applebloom. Luna on the other hand, ate it all up. “Tell me valiant Rainbow Dash-” “Valiant?” Luna let out a tiny laugh. “Well, thou did attempt to strike at Nightmare Moon on thy own after the Elements proved ineffective.” I would have just called that being suicidal, but tomato…other version of tomato. “Now, describe this Zecora creature.” Rainbow actually had to stop to think for a few seconds. “Well, I’ve never really seen all of her,” she admitted. “But she’s got these stripes all over her face, and is a bit smaller than a pony. And she wears these weird golden rings, and her mane is done like a Mohawk, or…something.” I found myself needing to hold back from even doing something like asking about her species, or any other specifics. Just pulling such knowledge out of my ass, even if they were just questions, might bring some questions towards me. Although, now that I was over the shock of having such bad luck that I ended up coming to Ponyville today of all days, something did strike me as odd. Not the zebra thing, that little friendship lesson would be easy enough to keep on track. No, what focused me was… “Say Rainbow, Celestia got a letter from Twilight the other day, and I’m pretty sure it was a friendship report,” I said. “You know what it was about?” All of a sudden, the slightly angry look on Rainbow’s face went on to full disgusted anger. “Ugh, yeah,” she said. “Twilight’s helping me out with some legal stuff.” When she didn’t go on, I sighed and prompted her. “And?” Once again, Rainbow bristled and looked up at me to glare. “I got fired okay?” And then she realized that she had just yelled into Princess Luna’s face. Her eyes became extremely wide, and she tensed. “Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t mean, I just…um…” Luna let out a long sigh at the pegasus’s reaction. “Tis fine my little pony. Calm thyself,” she told Rainbow. “And tell me what troubles you so.” After a few seconds, Rainbow relaxed and broke eye contact to look at the ground. “Sorry, it’s just…last week, we had to double a storm’s output to make up for a major lack of rain the week before.” “Yes, we were there,” Luna replied with a bit of happiness in her voice at the memory. “The turn of events was quite fortuitous, as it allowed Celestia and myself some much needed merriment with your friends.” Rainbow blinked before she managed to translate Luna’s language and rolled her eyes. “Oh right, the slumber party. Rarity won’t stop talking about how she was at a party with Princess Celestia…even if she won’t tell anypony what actually happened. And Twilight just gets all red when I ask her.” “Well then, we shall not break their confidence,” Luna told her. “If you wish to know what transpired-” The pegasus held up a hoof. “Nah. But like I was saying,” she went on as her expression became a frown again. “Some bigwig raised this big fuss about us making a big storm when we weren’t supposed to, and so the head office said I can’t be a weatherpony anymore! Twilight said I can challenge it, but…I’m not gonna get my hopes up.” I could barely keep my four legs walking the way they were suppose to. Rainbow getting fired…THAT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! But that flash of anger was short lived when I saw Rainbow deflate. She actually shook for a few seconds, and I might have seen the hint of a tear. “Rainbow?” “This bucks! Weather, and going fast, those were like the two real things I can do,” she mumbled. “And now, I can’t even do the one that comes with a paycheck anymore!” I opened my mouth to say something, but Luna was quicker. “Just let her speak. Sometimes, ponies just need to get things out.” “And it's not like working weather next to the Everfree is easy, ya know?” she ranted on. “That storm was to make up for a rain that got blown away by a rogue cold front that came from the forest. Hey! Everypony knows the only pegasi that even get weather jobs here are the ones that can’t find them anywhere else!” That got a frown out of me as we drew closer to Twilight’s tree. “What do you mean you couldn’t get work anywhere else?” Rainbow groaned and looked away from us. “Look, I dropped out of flight school, okay?” she mumbled. “Finding a real job without a diploma is next to impossible, and the only bucking reason I even got this one was that a week after Fluttershy and me moved here, there was this big storm front that came out of the Everfree, and I helped take it out before it could flood half the town. After that, they had to give me a job!” I reached out and put a hoof on the little pony’s shoulder to help her simmer down. “Rainbow, it’s okay. You’ve still got a pretty good chance of beating this with Twilight on your side.” Luna took control of our mouth. “And if you wish for a more important voice to speak in thy defense, I would be happy to appear before this tribunal on thy behalf.” “We both would,” I added with a little smirk. Which only got a confused look from Rainbow. “Uh…don’t you both have to do that if one of you does anyway?” I let out a tired sigh and gave Rainbow a deadpan look. “Just get in the tree.” The scene inside the tree tugged at my memory. Open books were scattered everywhere in such disregard for their condition that it probably would have given Twilight a spastic fit if she wasn’t already in freak-out mode. It also looked as if the time it took me to get Rainbow’s wings bound had made us late for the party. The girls were arguing about what to do, and only got a few words out before the giant nightmare pony stepped into the library to end the conversation. The second the three of us walked in, all of the girls looked over to us, and like always, bowed deeply after Twilight said Luna’s name and title. The weirdness of the girls’ conditions helped me contain my unease at the sight of the them bowing. Lesbian ship captains were one thing, but the girls in front of me were another. There really needed to be a rule in Equestria that said you didn’t bow to shit after defeating world-destroying evil. Of course, most of the girls looked as expected. Twilight’s horn was all floppy and covered in blue spots, which looked about a freaky as a rubbery bone. Pinkie’s swollen tongue also had the same oddities, with the addition of an overactive spit gland that didn’t want to stop. Rarity didn’t have the spots, but…well…she looked much worse than I remembered. I mean, imagine if you will the shaggiest dog you can. Then, tipple its amount of hair so that it creates a natural curtain over its entire body that ends a mere inch from the ground, and tangle it up. That was what Rarity had become. When she lowered herself on the ground in respect, the unicorn looked more like a rug than a pony. Fluttershy looked like she always did, and Applejack…I actually couldn’t see Applejack. “Um…girls,” I spoke up hesitantly. “Where’s AJ?” Sure, it was possible that she might not have shown up yet, but if everypony else was around, then it was a pretty good bed Applejack was too. That got the girls out of their prostrating before Luna could give the command to rise, and put a worried look on their faces. Pinkie Pie said…something unintelligible, and Rarity let out a horrified scream. “Oh no! Please tell me somepony didn’t step on her!” “Step upon her?” Luna asked in confusion. As all the girls were checking their hooves, Spike walked up to us with an uneasy expression. “Uh…yeah. Apple Bloom came in with Applejack riding her rear,” he explained before looking at each of our hooves. “I thought it was kind of funny at first, but now uh…if she’s hurt or something…” “Or sat on her!” Twilight realized in horror before all the girls attempted to check out their own butts…rather unsuccessfully. To be quite honest, the sight of panicked ponies chasing their tails made me want to laugh. Not to mention worry at how the hell these girls were supposed to save everyone multiple times within the next year or so. My musing also made me stop paying attention to the girls. Which turned out to be a big mistake, as Twilight’s words brought me back down to earth rather…harshly. “Princess Luna, quick! There’s not a little crushed shrunken cowpony hat with a telltale red stain stuck in my tail or anywhere else, is there?” she asked me frantically before turning around to stick her ass in the general direction of my face. Luna took control of our mouth. “No, I do not see Applejack’s hat.” “What about me?” Fluttershy added in a freakishly deep voice before getting close enough to Twilight that she was in our field of vision, and doing the same as the unicorn. “My hair! Is she in my hair?” Rarity cried out. “Quick, Rainbow Dash, Spike, check my hair!” With her ass still in the air, Twilight looked back at me. “What about under my tail?” she asked as she began to lift- “OH COME ON!” I shouted as I averted my eyes because…well… Contrary to brony belief, Equestria was not like some giant nudist colony where all the pony’s give a free peep show. If a mare kept her tail down, you couldn’t really see much. If a stallion did it, you could usually only see the outer edge of their packaging. So when Twilight started lifting her tail… Yeah…wasn’t going to even start going there. Hell, I didn’t even know if I was anatomically correct. So checking out Twilight’s pony parts? NOT GONNA HAPPEN! With Luna taking a back seat, or having fainted from embarrassment, I was able to grab both Twilight and Fluttershy in my magic swung them around to face me in midair. “Okay, I know you’re panicking, so your brains aren’t functioning at even a quarter of what they should, but I know from personal experience that the posterior of a pony is probably not pudgy enough to prevent you from noticing if your plot popped Applejack like a ripe pimple!” I told them before narrowing my eyes. “And if either of you dares to suggestion that she managed to find an organic orifice, and entered it for safety-” Twilight blanched, blushed, and…didn’t something else that began with a b. “I-I think we would have felt that Nightmare!” she yelled into my face. “I just wanted you to check the underside of my tail! MY. TAIL!” “Good,” I said before dropping them onto the ground and looking around as Luna took over our mouth. “Must you be so vulgar?” she deadpanned. How something that started with a pair of ponies waving their butts in front of my face ended up with me being the pervert boggled my mind. And to find something, ANYTHING, else to talk about, I played the dangerous card of MLP foreknowledge, tempered with wisdom. “Hey Apple Bloom, have you seen your sister?” I asked while looking around for the little filly. The girls had said she brought Applejack over, right? “Uh…I don’t see her Princess,” Rainbow spoke up. Pinkie Pie said…something, creating a spill hazard as she did. “What was that Pinkie?” Twilight asked. In response, Pinkie spat in Twilight’s face. As the purple unicorn stumbled away, voicing her ‘eeewww’ opinion of the action, Luna spoke. “Pinkamena, mayhap you should attempt to communicate another way? We have read of a sign language that ponies who are not possessed of voice use in this era. Could you not attempt that?” Pinkie gasped with wide eyes that just screamed idea so loudly I was surprised a light bulb didn’t just appear over her head. A second later, she reached behind her, and pulled out…a sign. A wooden sign. A wooden sign with writing on it. Writing on it that ‘said’ [I saw her head out the door]. I…looked around and just waited for someone else to question it. My ability to question reality kind of died a few days ago when Cadance showed me how to empty a rain cloud of water and mold the damn thing into a sofa. As the mass of ice crystals could run out of water without ceasing to exist…I learned to just roll with the weird shit. “And you didn’t think to tell us?” Twilight demanded, not even seeming to notice the fact Pinkie might have actually managed to literally pull something out of her ass. Pinkie Pie flipped the sign. [I did tell you Twilight] Then she flipped it again. [But you didn’t understand me] And then she flipped the sign, with all of its two sides over again to display yet more writing that I hadn’t seen her add. Not to mention the lack of erasure. [And I bet Applejack went with her!] Rainbow stomped a hoof onto the ground. “I bet they’re heading to Zecora’s!” “Yes, the caster of the curse,” Luna said, which earned a perturbed look from Twilight. “Rainbow did describe the creature’s physical appearance to me, but have any of you knowledge of this Zecora’s abilities? I will need to be fully prepared when we face her.” Rarity cleared her throat. “Well, she’s-” The rest of the unicorn’s words were cut off when Pinkie tried saying…something, and then let out a sad moan. After a second of depression, the pink mare looked over to Fluttershy, and then dashed over to get on her knees with a pleading expression. Fluttershy sighed, and…began to sing. She’s an evil enchantress She does evil dances And if you look deep in her eyes She will put you in trances Then what will she do? She’ll mix up an evil brew And she’ll gobble you up in a big tasty stew Sooooooooo watch out. Which…okay, wasn’t all that unexpected. In fact, I had been secretly hoping to see it and managed not to squeal in delight while the critic in me demanded why Fluttershy had been willing to go along with Pinkie’s request if she had such stage fright. But to be honest, I was too enthralled to care. Hell, I was so caught up in the thing, I had even thought I heard the snappy background music accompany the catchy little tune. Luna took her time in nodding her head before she took our mouth over. “Very well then my little ponies” she commanded before giving me a little signal to move forward by slapping her tongue against the bottom of our mouth sharply enough to make a clicking sound. “Hold here Nightmare so I might address them better.” Our stopping point ended up being in front of the door. “And turn around so we may face them,” she deadpanned. After a brief pause for effect, the alicorn added, “Worry not my little ponies! Together, Nightmare and myself shall journey into the Forest of Everfree and find this vile Zecora creature to undo her dark hex!” “It’s not a hex either.” I glanced over to Twilight as she mumbled something, then felt Luna order us to turn. After doing so and heading out the door, I let out a little sigh. “So Luna, how exactly are we going to find Zecora?” I asked. Although the real question on my mind was: just how in the hell was I supposed to stop Luna from turning her into paste when we did? While the princess might only be able to control once piece of our body at a time, I had enough experience with telekinesis to know that Luna could crush boulders into powder just by thinking about it. The question got a grunt from Luna. “Halt.” I obeyed the command. “Turn and return to the library,” she ordered evenly. After a few seconds, I went back to open the door, and stuck my head in to see Rainbow and Twilight frowning at each other in the way that only two ponies with a great deal of unresolved sexual tension between each other could. Or maybe they were just upset over the losses of their most defining traits and were taking it out on each other while my shipping goggles were simply affecting my interpretation of things. Which while possible, wasn’t all that likely. Twi and Dash totally wanted to do it. “-should go with her!” Dash said. “Rainbow! We’re a flightless pegasus, a party pony that needs to drink every two minutes to keep hydrated, a unicorn that can’t go ten feet without tripping over her own hair, and me, a unicorn with a bent horn! The only pony with her full physical functionality is Fluttershy!” Luna cleared our throat. “Pardon,” she said. “But…might one of you give us directions to the lair of the foul beast?” Unfortunately, nopony in the group could agree on just where Zecora lived, and as the show had never actually given me a map to her house, I couldn’t just insist on ‘wandering around’ in a straight line until we found it. So we had to bring at least one of them with us. Then Twilight pointed out that based on some of her previous actions, there was a chance that Apple Bloom had gone looking for Zecora again, and was probably lost in the Everfree with Applejack. The littlest pony that a mouse could turn into a meal. Thanks to Twilight and her damned logic, Luna agreed to let them come along with us to locate Apple Bloom. From there, we could send her and the others home before ‘dealing’ with Zecora. As for the zebra and what was SUPPOSED to happen…well, I had a plan that wouldn’t cause too much of a deviation from the normal track. All I had to do was bring Zecora with me back into town with a cure in tow. That would get everypony listen to her, explanations would be had, and we’d all get our hugs out. So, we brave alicorn followed by a bunch of stupid ponies marched into the dark woods to look for a little filly and her older yet even littler sister. It should be noted that the Everfree was…justifiably creepy. Although Luna gave the lot of us plenty of assurances that she could handle anything that wandered onto the path we were using, I could more than understand why ponies kept away from this place. The thick forest canopy blocked out a ridiculous amount of light, turning mid-day into near-night, complete with the chirp of crickets and all other bumping sounds that only came out after dark. The only real good thing about the whole place was that we wouldn’t have to be searching through the whole monster-infested forest. This was mostly because the undergrowth was so thick not even a pony with CMC level lack of self-preservation would be stupid enough to try wandering through them. The other thing that we had going for us was, like any good lunar goddess whose primary duty was to hunt down evil monsters and beat the crap out of them for trying to mess with cute little ponies, Luna was an excellent tracker. There was one little bit of a problem though… “Keep an eye out for anything…strange,” I told the girls while doing my best to keep the fact that I knew Applejack was hanging from a tree branch somewhere. Or hiding in a bush. Or…well… Okay look, it had been five weeks since I had access to my old DVR, and to be honest, Zecora’s introduction episode hadn’t been my favorite to watch over and over again like many of Pinkie’s. All I knew as that when Applejack was just about as helpless as you could get, her little twerp of a sister ditched her in a forest that was infested with monsters! After we made sure the little orange pony was safe, I was going to give Apple Bloom one hell of a chewing out. And then maybe whoop her ass. With a stick! About five minutes into our search, Rainbow Dash let out a groan. “Ugh! Can’t you do this any faster?” she demanded. Not for the first time either. I looked back to her, and Luna spoke. “Twould be easier if you would hold thy tongue for more than sixty seconds.” Rainbow looked over to the other pegasus. “Fluttershy. Can’t you just, like, ask some of the animals if Apple Bloom has been by?” “Sorry Rainbow,” Fluttershy apologized. “But ever since I got this deep voice, none of the animals want to listen to me.” That made me frown. “Wait a second. So…Rainbow lost her ability to fly, Rarity looks terrible, Pinkie Pie can’t tell jokes, Twilight’s horn’s gone wonky, Applejack’s been turned into something small and weak, and now Fluttershy can’t talk to animals?” Joke my ass. The effects of that damn flower were no less than crippling! “Every single one of you can’t use your talents.” Twilight nodded. Thankfully, my righteous anger kept me from laughing at the sight of her horn bobbing around as she did. “Yes that’s why we need to hurry and find Applejack, then figure out how to undo this cur-ugh!” she groaned before looking back to the rest of the girls. “Now you’ve got me doing it!” “Doing what?” Luna asked after she had us look back to the trail and slowly follow the hoofprints. “Princess Luna,” Twilight spoke up. “Would you please tell these ponies that there is no such thing as a curse!” Luna gave me the command to halt. “Look back at them for a moment,” she asked, which I quickly did. “Twilight Sparkle, what foolishness do you speak of?” Obviously glad that somepony was about to agree with her, Twilight let out a relieved sigh that started to turn into a smile as she talked. “Everypony is saying we’re under a curse or a hex, and  all know there’s no such thing as-” “Of course there is,” Luna interrupted, cutting Twilight off and leaving her flabbergasted. “Tis the darkest of magic, meant only to harm and bring suffering on those that it entangles. Although I will admit, the effects of such magic are usually less varied. Still, Nightmare did manage see the connecting point between you all, so it must have a common cause.” I turned us back to the road. “Come on girls, we need to keep moving. The Apples could be in danger, so keep your eyes peeled.” The reminder about the Apples cut any argument Twilight had short, and had us moving down the road again. We went on for only about five more minutes until Pinkie Pie said…something. And then held up a sign when we all turned to look at her. [Is that Applejack?] I looked back and sighed in relief when I saw the little pony on a tree branch somewhat off the beaten path. She looked like she was clinging for dear life on top of a branch that stretched over what would have been a fatal fall into a deep ravine filled with deadly bushes that had prickers on them big enough to impale such a little pony. A sigh of relief escaped my mouth, and I looked back to the pink pony. “Good job Pinkie.” Which it was. What with AJ being off the path, and Apple Bloom’s tracks continuing on, I would have gone right past the little pony without even noticing her. Especially considering how low the branch she was on. Being a big alicorn didn’t lend itself well to searching the low areas. “Applejack!” I cried out before rushing forward to come to her rescue. Considering Luna was the only one with a working horn or clear vision, we were the natural choice. Although once we got there, something stopped me cold. Sure, I wasn’t really all that affected by the cuteness of Equestrians. Living with them for weeks and weeks on end had let me get over their huggable nature with only a mild need to snatch up every friendly pony I could find in a loving glomp and nuzzle. Last week had also taught me tummy tickling of foals was also a must. But all of these things were resistible if the need arose. However, the sheer level of cuteness that Applejack had gained from her reduction in size increased that adorableness ability that lets babies scream uncontrollably and puppies go to the bathroom everywhere they want without repercussions to the point where even my Equestrian-enhanced resistance was shattered. Hell, she even had a cute little hat! A HAT! “Whoo Wee, Princess Luna am Ah glad you ever came alo-ahhh!” Appletini got out before I snatched her up to smother her with affection. “Awww! You are just so adorable!” I said to the littlest pony in my hooves before rubbing my nose against her fur. It was unbelievably soft, newborn puppy level even! And her squeaky little voice was the cutest thing ever! “On second thought, put me back, Ah’ll take mah chances with the forest of dangerous critters!” A second later, Luna pulled our head back and let out a sigh. “Nightmare, whilst I agree that Applejack’s transformation has made her precious beyond words,” Luna told me, which got the cutest little squeak from Applejack. “We still must locate the younger of the siblings.” I groaned, and then reluctantly put Applejack up on our head, where she could find a safe place to bunker down between our crown and horn. Thanks to not being able to see her, the little mare’s magical mini-pony powers had no effect on me. I also…forced out one of those a-word things. “Sorry if I embarrassed you Applejack. I got carried away.” “Aw shoot Princess, that’s alright,” she squeaked out. “You should’ve seen what Apple Bloom did when Ah woke up like this. You just being affectionate weren’t nothing.” And so, we continued our journey through the foliage of darkness. Thankfully, it didn’t take all that long for us to find Zecora’s hut. Despite the fact that she did live in the Everfree, it wasn’t that deep. Even taking the time to track Apple Bloom, it only took us half an hour to find it after we picked up AJ. Of course when all the little ponies caught sight of it, they might have panicked a bit. I thought it kind of weird that would be their response to the presence of a house, but aside from logic saying that only Zecora would have a house in the Everfree, I did catch sight of a Zebra in the window. So that may have tipped them off. However, Luna had a much…different reaction to the presence of Zecora’s home. “Ah, a zebra hut. It’s good to see that they still dwell within the Everfree. Forward Nightmare, we shall enquire as to the presence of this Zecora monster from the ever-helpful stripped tribe.” “Say what?” Both me and Luna ignored the outcry from Applejack, and walked up to the door to knock. “Like, hold on just a second!” “Oh my, should we take cover Darlings?” “This ain’t gonna be pretty.” …and Pinkie said something too, but damned if I knew what it was. “Princess you don’t understand! That’s the pony that cursed us!” Twilight cried out, making everypony look over to her. After a second of getting stared at, Twilight let out an aggravated cry. “Okay fine! I said it! We’ve been cursed! It’s a curse! We have all been transformed in an extremely horrible but slightly comical way by a stupid curse!” The door opened, making me look back in front of us. “Oh, Princess of the Moon, you’ve brought your subjects for their cure much too soon,” she added after looking past us to see the girls. “Cure?” Luna asked. Zecora nodded. “The cure for poison joke you see. It takes time to brew this remedy.” “Poison-” Luna cut herself off. “Nightmare, allow us to look upon our subjects again for a moment.” After I turned our head, the goddess began mumbling to me. “Spitty Pie, Hairity, Appleteeny, Flutterguy, and…Nightmare, raise out right hoof.” I blinked, but did as instructed. “Now bring it back to cover our face.” After I completed the pony face palm, Luna let out a groan. “Ugh…I am a blind fool.” It took about five minutes of talking with Zecora to get the girls to not to be afraid of her anymore. By then, Apple Bloom had come back. I proceeded to give her a proper chewing out at the behest of her sister for literally leaving Applejack hanging. After which, Zecora regaled us all with stories of her homeland while we waited for her strange brew to finish. Luna also explained that zebras had been coming to the Everfree since before there was an Equestria. She had even run into a whole colony of them right after first becoming a princess. Apparently, the Everfree had a whole lot of plants that simply wouldn’t grow anywhere else, and the final training for a zebra to become a shaman was to go to such a place and learn from experience. However, thanks to the dangers of the place since the sisters moved out, most zebras had chosen training grounds that weren’t as wild. Which kind of helped Zecora fit in with the rest of the town when Luna brought everypony out to meet her on our way to the spa. She was just as crazy as the rest of them. But get to the spa we did, and I joined the girls in their bath. They wanted to leave after just a few minutes, but Luna insisted we all stay for relaxation and company. It gave us all a nice, relaxing hour of just kicking back and telling stories. Something I really needed after having my nerves fried over fear of something eating Applejack. After letting our hooves get all pruney, I looked back up at Luna. “One thing I’m kind of curious about, how come you know about Poison Joke Luna?” The alicorn let out a little laugh. “Ah yes, that,” she said with a smile. “Well, shortly after we moved into our old castle, Celestia decided to decorate it with some of the local fauna.” Twilight’s eyes widened. “Y-You mean?” “What did it do to her?” Fluttershy asked in fear. Luna giggled. “Well…my sister’s countenance became much like a…cave dwelling brute,” she said before letting out another laugh. I had to fight to keep from turning it into a groan. On the bright side, at last I didn’t have to worry about Celestia becoming super-horny if she ran into the blue flowers. I really didn’t think the real Twilight Sparkle could survive an encounter with Molestia. After a few seconds I noticed the girls were in the middle of an awkward silence, and let out a tiny sigh. “So, is there anything else you girls want to do while we’re here? Our treat,” I tempted. Luna nodded before taking over our mouth. “Yes, a hooficure after that trek through the wilderness would be a nice end to our adventure.” “Ugh…do we have to?” Rainbow asked with a look of trepidation on her face. Dash’s words made me wince, while Luna took it as a sign to focus on her. “Ah yes, Rainbow Dash, these is something else we wish to discuss with thee later, if you would.” The pegasus gave us a confused stare. “What about?” “Well you see, despite our best efforts, Princess Cadance and myself have been unable to teach Nightmare proper flight-” Luna’s explanation came to a halt when the door burst open to admit a group of unicorns and a single earth pony. “I’m telling you girls, you're going to love this,” the mint green horned pony said as she walked into the room while looking in the opposite direction. “Canterlot may be swanky, but Ponyville has the best-uh, Minuette? Lemon? Shine? Why are you bow-oh buck. Um, Bon-Bon, is Princess Luna-” “Yep,” the earth pony of the group said from her prone position on the floor. Luna frowned. “Did none of you happen to see the private party sign on the front of the door?” she asked evenly. The five ponies flinched as one, and Bon-Bon looked up at us in fear. “I’m sorry Princess! Lyra was having her friends come down from Canterlot, and I thought I’d make a day of it, so I reserved some time at the spa, and they told us to go into this room and they said we were in room two, but-” I held up a hoof. “Whoa, Bon-Bon calm down,” I told her. “Calm down. We’re not angry, right Luna?” “Tis not a problem,” she told them. “And rise my little ponies.” “Uh, Lemon? Why is she talking like that?” the unicorn with the pink mane asked out of the corner of her mouth. Which made the palace ‘social function’ planner wince. The blue member of the group focused on something else. “Oh my gosh! Twilight Sparkle is that you? Where have you been all this time you old so-and-so?” Twilight blinked. “You’re…Minuette? Right?” “Twilight? Do you know these ponies?” Rarity asked. The question got an embarrassed blush from the unicorn. “Um…well, they sort of used to be my old friends in Canterlot.” A tiny cough came from Twinkleshine. “I’d say we were more like acquaintances, really.” Rainbow Dash jumped out of the water to hover in the air, and rubbed her hooves together. “That means you guys got some embarrassing stories to tell about her, right?” The darker blue mare with the mane of toothpaste giggled. “Oh, do we ever!” she replied while Twilight began to sink into the bath. “In fact, there was this one time when Twilight was supposed to cast this Arbormancy spell, and ended up turning herself into…” Needless to say, the newcomers didn’t show themselves out. And by the time one of the spa ponies came in with a thousand apologies, Luna was already waving off her as unneeded. Which was a good thing, because it turned out Lyra and her friends were the ones that ended up being in the right. Bon-Bon had reserved the room we were using, but Luna being a princess trumped any reservations. In order to make up for it, we put yet another service on the royal bill before giving the Canterlot girls the tub and taking our places on the benches for our hoof cleanings and other pampering. Although Rainbow opted out of the hoof care, me and Luna were able to talk her into sticking around for a massage once commissioning some private flight lessons from the suspended weather pony. And let me just say again, as a horse, nothing was more annoying than having to clean your own hooves at the end of the day. Even princess slippers didn’t protect me all that well. As for the new girls, at first the four of them looked as nervous as hell that Nightmare Moon was in the room, but the hot water probably helped calm their nerves. And as time passed without me eating them, I think they managed to get it through their skulls that nothing bad was going to happen if I was disturbed. Pinkie might have helped with that. After a day of silence, her ability to shut up had all but disappeared. If we didn’t smite her for bouncing around the room and giving us a strangling hug, then the Canterlot crew was safe at their respectful distance. “Um…Princess Luna?” I looked away from the hoof that Aloe was filing, and up to the bath to see Lemon Hearts was looking down at us with a worried expression. Luna handled the talking. “What is it my little pony?” “I heard from Celestia that my introduction party didn’t work out very well,” she apologized. “I’m sorry.” Luna sighed, and then took a moment to make us shake our head before she went back to talking. “Fret not over such things little Lemon. If today’s incident with Zecora has taught me anything, it is that one must make an effort to garner trust from other ponies if she wishes to be thought of in a positive light. Celestia attempted to do so through thine efforts, but…we will simply have to try harder, will we not?” Twilight looked over at us in surprise. “What do you mean Princess?” “Not to make light of thine own valuable lesson Twilight Sparkle,” Luna replied. “But if one wishes to make friends, then she must put effort into it. While Zecora did come to this fine hamlet many times, by her own admittance, she did not make any attempt to meet with ponies as their doors closed. And you yourself saw how easy it was to draw Ponyville’s residents out with a few kind words. Had she attempted to do this before, upon first arrival in Ponyville, I can guarantee you the myth of the evil enchantress would never have come to be.” Luna sighed. “Such is the case with me.” “Awwww Princess Luna, that’s so sad,” Minuette commented after she swam over to our side of the bath. I held up a hoof to forestall the pity party. “Naw it’s fine,” I assured them. “About the only real problem of it that’s come up so far is we can’t find anypony to fill some personal assistant positions at the castle.” A second later, Twinkleshine and Minuette shared a cautious look before the white unicorn turned her attention towards us. “So uh…what kind of assistance are you looking for exactly?” “And how much does it pay?” Minuette added a second later.