I wasn't crying. It was totally not tears that blinded me, making me run aimlessly into, uh, wherever this was. It was probably a forest. The tree I was leaning against as I slowed down was a good clue. Plus the whole place was absolutely lousy with trees. There were too many of them.
Why must there be so many of these dumb wooden things when there were too few Raritys? Why must there be so many of these dumb stallions? Why must Rarity have one too many dumb coltfriends?
Why wasn't it me?
"*Hiccup*" I answered my own question.
I groaned inwardly. My insides replied with a sympathetic hiccup. Just what I needed. I couldn't even indulge in self-pity without it being ruined, by a pathetic bout of hiccups of all things.
I heard the sound of running water nearby, the perfect cure for my case of lame. Might as well get it cleared up so I can have less hiccups, more sulk. Who knows, I might even find a drama couch to whine on too.
Even couches reminded me of Rarity. What was wrong with me? Actually, don't answer that.
I pushed apart a particularly dense bush and found not an open grove so much as a stubborn hillock that the trees had been too lazy to grow on. It was an awkward space so out of the way even the late morning sun didn't put much effort into shining through the eaves above. The whole place was so half-hearted even the brook hiding in the corner didn't bother to babble, only ooze and occasionally dribble.
You'd think nopony would be queuing up to get in on this little corner of heaven. But somepony more desperate had beaten me to it. A stout if simple tent stood proud in defiance of the dismal grove and its endless supply of mud and muck. A nearby fire pit carefully built of blackened river stones suggested its owner was reasonably sane, if sanity regularly constructed perfect circles with exactly 2 radians. The ground around it was picked bare of flowers and grass, a few tufts bearing bite marks suggesting recent grazing. It was all very practical but very....what's the word? Otter? Ostler? Austere, yeah, that's it. Austere.
But the most remarkable thing was the large circle drawn into the dirt. It didn't take me long to recognize the complicated markings etched around its edges. You see, there's no such thing as a good or bad mage assistant. Only alive and slightly less alive ones, the difference being their ability to recognize magic circles before stepping on them. There is a reason why I am Twilight's number one assistant; She had never had to count any higher. And my assistant-sense was telling me this was one big kahuna of a magic circle.
Now this magic circle wasn't the sort little unicorn foals doodled on the walls to turn homework into sweets. It was a powerful grown up magic circle that mages of Twilight's calibre (Or better, but that's hardly possible) would use to power transdimensional portals or evade taxes. But Twilight was probably busy trying to find her 'What-To-Do-When-Spike's-Upset' list which leaves the question; What would such a powerful magus be doing living out of a tent in the middle of nowhere?
*Snooooooooore*
Huh, sleeping, obviously.
It didn't take me long to spot the snoozing camper. A nearby dark mound did its best to pass itself off as a rock with all the mud and stains on it. The slow rise and fall of its furry sides gave it away. They say curiosity kills cats, but a teenage dragon is hardly a cat. I silently circled the mound, studying it closely. A long, dishevelled dark blue mane and tail twirled protectively around its curled-up body. The old twigs and leaves caught in its strands spoke of days if not weeks of neglect. A long stick lay atop a half-finished rune, not too far away from where the figure's bare hooves were curled up tightly against its body. But no matter the angle I could not catch a glimpse of the pony's face.
It didn't take me long to solve that particular problem.
"*Hiccup*"
The figure suddenly rose with a startle. The surprise in her wide teal green eyes mirrored my own. So did her gaping open muzzle.
"Wait, you're..." I gasped, stumbling backwards in surprise.
"*M-Meeplesquee*..." She squeaked, flinching and withdrawing behind her forehooves.
"Meepy-who?" I blinked. She looked like Princess Luna. A very disheveled and unkempt Princess Luna, but still very much Princess Luna. But Princess Luna doesn't squeak or flinch. And she certainly doesn't call herself Meepy-...something-or-other.
Even if that is the most ridiculously cute sound I had ever heard.
The Maybe-Princess-Luna shook her head, as if to shake off her case of the squeaks. She rose up to her full impressive height, shedding all traces of the flinching timid mare from earlier. By the time she had turned to look at me she was every part a mighty, unflinching princess of Equestria. It was like looking at the Friendship Express running headlong towards me.
"IS THAT THOU, DEAR SPIKE?!" I was suddenly flattened by a Friendship Express to the face.
"P-Princess, i-indoor voice, please." I pleaded from where I hugged the ground for dear life. I felt my claws digging furrows into the dirt as I slowly but surely lost ground to her merciless if oblivious onslaught.
"AH, ALL OUR APOLOGIES." The Princess of the night tried to finish the job with a second volley while I was still down. Thankfully, I was tempered in the fires of Sparkle-brand lab accidents, making me very stubbornly blast-proof. It'll take more than that to make ol' Spike spontaneously explode! Well, not that much more, but still!
"Um, I mean, 'sorry', dear Spike." The princess repeated in a voice a little more friendly than a cannon to the head. "While this is hardly 'indoors', I do indeed grasp your meaning. Now, are you whole and undamaged?" She tilted her head to one side as she leaned in closer. Her bright teal eyes were filled with a genuine worry as they looked me over. I would have felt a touch of gratitude for her concern if she didn't suddenly blanket me in her pale silver magic and raise me into the air, turning me this way and that to check me over for any bruises, scrapes or missing limbs.
"I-I'll be fine if you put me down, Princess!" I cried. "Promise!" I added, for good measure.
Seemingly satisfied that my head was still miraculously attached to the rest of me, she finally put me down. "I will take your word for it, good Spike." The Princess nodded. "I am sorry. Old habits, one that I have worked hard at overcoming. Your startling me in my..." She paused as she frowned at her surroundings, as if reconsidering her words. "...meditation did not help."
So either she graduated from the Rainbow Dash school of meditation or she flunked out of the Applejack university of lying.
"That was you meditating?" I asked, not bothering to leave the disbelief out of my voice. The flat look on her face was almost a challenge, one I very quickly backed out of. Wisely. "Uh, sorry for bothering your meditatingfulness, Princess." I said, quickly.
There is a saying in Equestria; You do not disagree with the Night, the Night disagrees with you.
"It is no trouble at all, dear Spike." The Princess gave me a graceful nod. She slowly got up to her hooves, standing with the usual rapt attention that was second nature to the royal guard. With her military bearing came that overbearing guardsmare stoicness that made talking to her about as easy as chatting with an oncoming locomotive. It felt like the mighty Moon Express hurtled faster and faster towards me with every deadly moment the gaping silence between us remained empty.
She scuffed a hoof on the ground, giving it an intense glare, as if accusing it of daring to exist. She bit her lip, her brow furrowing in obvious frustration. She cast her eyes around, at the trees, the sky, the ground, as if seeking something to banish to the moon. The drooping of her tail, the flattening of her ears, the quiver in her lips, everything screamed mounting anger at my silence. I was desperate for something, anything, to keep the conversation (and myself) alive. And then inspiration struck me. "The sky's blue and I like ponytails!" I blurted out.
Seriously? The sky's blue and I like ponytails? What. The. Flying. Flocking. Pancakes. In. Discord's. Ear. Was. That?!
She suddenly looked up at me, her eyes gleaming dangerously. Twi, Mom, Dad, sorry for leaving so suddenly. I'll be sure to write you all from whatever planet I get banished to.
"Yes! The sky is indeed very blue!" She suddenly agreed, surprisingly enthusiastic, perhaps a little too enthusiastic for somepony in a towering rage. Maybe...she wasn't angry after all? I could only hope. "So blue in fact that I decree this blueness a new royal standard for the colour blue!" She threw a commanding forehoof into the air, looking very pleased with her new royal decree. "I also like...uh...." She looked around behind her, raising a hindhoof up to turn her flank towards her while swishing her long, silky indigo tail experimentally. "...ponytails?" She hazarded. She gave it another swish, then another, slowly trotting around in a slow, tight circle to appraise her own tail further. Then, as if satisfied it had passed some kind of test, she gave her own tail a proud little nod.
A conversation! We were having a conversation! And it wasn't me pleading for mercy while hurtling towards some random celestial body either! Whatever I was doing, I was doing it well. Eager not to lose any momentum (or my life), I made another courageous stab. "So, this circle, uh, it's very round." I said, pointing at the half-finished magic circle.
"The circle?" Luna looked down at the circle. "Oh yes, I made it myself." She said. She even looked somewhat proud of the fact. Good, the conversation's flowing and I'm still alive!
"What's it for?" I asked, suddenly curious.
She paused for a moment before giving me a flat poker face. "I must have been sleep-casting. In my sleep."
Yeah, right, and I am a pink fluffy unicorn dancing on rainbows. A quick study of the circle gave me the answers I needed. I wasn't the Element of Magic's number one assistant for nothing. "This is a finders-keepers spell, set to locate the nearest town." I pointed out.
The Princess made a show of giving the circle an appraising look before nodding, "So it is. You are quite well-read, dear Spike. On a worryingly boring subject, I might add."
A side-effect of lifelong Twilight Sparkle exposure. There is no cure.
So either she was trying to set the record for the most ambitious sleep-walk ever or she was lost and she got so tired she fell asleep constructing her magic circle. I looked over my shoulder at the way I came. We were practically in the Friendship Castle's backyard. Sure, the castle's backyard kinda does go halfway up to Canterlot, but you get the idea. "Why didn't you just fly up to find the nearest town?" I suggested.
To my puzzlement, the Princess responded by frowning down at the tips of her hoofsies, as if the answer might be written there somewhere. She slowly tilted her head to one side, then to the other. It kinda reminded me of a wind-up toy for some reason, ever so slowly but surely winding up to prepare to...oh...
She looked up at me. Oh, horseapples, she looked up at me. It was like attempting a staring contest with space itself, infinitely patient, deathly silent, and....forgot.... to breathe...
And then she blinked. I gasped for breath. But I was far from relief. She was still looking at me with the most furiously expectant deadpan face ever.
Gotta say something, say something while I still had some breath to say something with!
"Uh, yeah, that's just me being silly. Because flying's just silly, because, uh..." I floundered for ideas, "Uh, yeah! Because you can't see anything at night no matter how high you flew, right?"
I congratulated myself on my quick-thinking as, to my relief, Princess Luna was quick to nod in agreement. "Exactly, Dear Spike. That is exactly why I didn't think of using my wings." She nodded, sagely.
Wait, did I hear that right? "Excuse me, Princess?"
"That is exactly why I didn't use my wings." She repeated, patiently. "Now, tell me, dear Spike, what are you doing here in this..."Her words were interrupted by an incredible rumble of thunder. Or possibly her tummy. It was difficult to tell.
She gave me a look that could have brought down the ice age and killed off the dinosaurs. On second thought, it probably did once upon a time. That, combined with the soft red blush on her dark blue cheeks, insisted, very hard, that it was not her tummy.
"Uh..." I began, before withering a little as she slowly tilted her head to one side. "Sorry, that was me. I'm veeeeery very hungry." I admitted with a nervous chuckle. I totally hadn't had a massive breakfast.
"That is perfectly fine, dear Spike. You are but a growing child in constant need of nourishment after all." She beamed, looking very pleased. "I have some rations of tin in my saddlebags there. You may use them to make yourself a meal." She pointed a forehoof at her tent.
I just assumed she meant she had been living off canned food rather than actual tin.
"I'm afraid my squad must have taken the opener of cans with them when we split our search three weeks ago so I may have to defer to your draconic qualities to get these stubborn tins to surrender their innards." She added as I peered into her tent. It was not difficult to find her saddlebags. There was little else in her tent other than the saddlebags she had obviously been using as a pillow. At least somepony had the sense to lay out a soft, springy cloud on the ground. The only other feature within was the carefully laid out armour pieces along one edge of the tent.
I half-expected The Princess' usual royal peytral and horseshoes. Instead I found the royal guard's boring standard issue full-plate. With it was what was no doubt Princess Luna's pair of unicorn rapiers, weapons notable for being double-ended blades. Contrary to popular fiction, Princess Luna's blades were not made of fancily wrought silver, engraved with the records of every battle she had won, studded with enough gems and pearls to pay for a prince's ransom. They were simple but well-polished and sharpened instruments of battle, adorned with nothing more than simple inscriptions upon the blades; 'Do Not Draw Me Without Purpose' on one, 'Do Not Wield Me Without Honour' on the other.
Deciding not to linger too long in a lady's bedroom, no matter how loosely it qualified, I quickly dug through her saddlebags. Like her tent, it was sparsely filled. Apart from the cans of rations there was hardly anything else other than some paper, a quill, a length of rope and, oddly, a roll of bubble-wrap. Half of said bubble wrap had already been very methodically popped. A few of the cans of rations bore multiple dents, as if somepony had bashed them repeatedly against something dull. I frowned down at the dented cans before looking back up at where she stood peering over my shoulder.
She gave me an impassive look in return.
I slowly flicked my eyes upwards to her horn. I mean, c'mon, surely an all powerful alicorn did not try to hammer cans open with her hooves?!
Her eyes followed my gaze up to her horn. Then she looked back down at the tips of her hoofsies. She did her wind-up toy impression again, tilting her head one way, the another. And then she looked back up at me, giving me an even more impassive look. It was quite an incredible feat considering how furiously she was blushing. It was a look so impassive in fact that it threatened to roast my scales on the spot.
"Yeah, definitely no can openers in there." I agreed, with all the care of handling an orthos in a washing machine. "It's so can-opener-less that there's a real anti-can-opener vibe in there, yeah."
"Indeed. An existence devoid of these openers of cans is a sorry one indeed." The Princess nodded. There was another loud rumble that was definitely not her tummy. "Especially as you are so hungry, dear Spike." She said, looking the very picture of motherly worry.
I gave her a quick glance, making sure she was watching. I picked up one can in my claw and took a nice deep breath. I felt the familiar rumble build up in my belly, the rising heat tickling my throat, before a gout of bright emerald flame erupted from my mouth. I carefully angled the flame so that it caught the top of the can in my claw and nothing more. The flames died away in a wisp of dark green smoke, taking the can's lid with it. "There we go, instant strawberries." I grinned, offering the open can up to her with a flourish.
"Most ingenious." She gave me an eager smile, plucking a magically-preserved strawberry out of the can with her magic and plopping it in her mouth. "Mmmmmh~! Divine!" She closed her eyes in obvious pleasure. Judging by the chewed-upon state of the local plant life, she had probably been grazing on nothing but grass and flowers for the past three weeks.
"I'll just make myself some brunch now, shall I?" I asked, as diplomatically as possible. I looked at the cans available and decided I had enough magically-preserved hay-flour and eggs to make some pancakes. Except there'd be nothing to eat them on while they're nice and warm and waiting for them to be cool enough to eat by hoof or claw is just ick. A few buttercups and roses around the tent that had somehow managed to avoid the Princess' appetite caught my eye. Then an idea struck me. "I think I know just the thing." I told the Princess.
"Hm, yes, you go do that." She said, looking expectant. "I could not help but wonder, however, Spike. Do you ever risk sending your own claw?" She asked, pulling out another strawberry from the can.
"Nah, my dragonfire's not strong enough to send living stuff. Not yet, anyway." I shrugged as I lit the fire. Besides, I don't think it'd work on myself. Otherwise I'd be sending all my insides to Celestia each time. Eww, gross image, cannot unsee.
"Do you think my sister has a canned strawberry lid stuck upon her horn right now?" The Princess asked with a hint of amusement.
"Uh..."
Oh horseapples.
"I'll just open the others with my claws, I think." I quickly said. So much for trying to impress the Princess. I probably had another Princess to apologize to. In a way it was a good thing I was only strong enough to send and receive stuff to and from royals. I mean, otherwise the random lid could have gone anywhere. I mean, imagine it ending up in Yakyakistan. It'd probably spark yet another war just by landing on someyak's front lawn.
The Princess' tummy chose to not-rumble and interrupt my thoughts, reminding me of the more pressing matter at hoof. I flipped my first pancake out of the skillet, catching it in a buttercup before drizzling it with strawberry chippings. I peered out at the Princess out of a corner of my eye. I allowed myself an inward chuckle as I saw her stare wide-eyed at my creation, ears twitching, tail swaying, her whole body leaning forwards as if hoping to pull the pancake-flower to herself by sheer gravity alone. Something told me she wasn't about to ask me for it, and it totally wasn't the defiant pride in her eyes. Fortunately, feeding stubborn alicorn princesses is part of my job description.
With a naturalness borne by experience, I made a show of accidentally stumbling over my own tail, letting the pancake-flower slip out of my claws and into the air. It didn't get very far. An alicorn-shaped kitten snapped it out of the air before landing in a power-slide.
"Hahah!" Princess Luna held the flower up in a forehoof triumphantly. "Five second rule!" She declared, before scarfing it down in one bite.
"Pretty sure the five second rule is about how long you can leave dropped food on the ground, not how long till you eat it." I said with a chuckle.
"I am the Princess of the Night. I am the rules." The Princess of the Night declared with a fleck of cream adorning her nose.
"If you say so, Princess." I rolled my eyes.
I suddenly realized something. I was talking with the Princess. I had graduated from fighting for my life to actually chatting with her. Complete with sarcastic eye-rolling.
Wow, I guess I'm just that awesome. I chuckled to myself as I took a deep breath to blow another can open. I was rudely interrupted by a hiccup, reminding me exactly why I was there to begin with.
Even the hiccups were beginning to remind me of Rarity.
"Dear Spike, what ails you?" The Princess suddenly asked, looking down at me worriedly. "Your eyes are red and you are hiccupping. Have you been weeping?" She asked with as much subtle tact as a thrown pie.
"Oh, nah." I grunted, waving a dismissive claw at her. Yet another hiccup helped my case. "I'm totally fine. Just...fine." I breathed, willing the hiccups to drown in the napalm in my belly. I was given another hiccup for my troubles.
"You are not." Princess Luna decided for me. "You can tell me now or I shall simply find out when you dream tonight." If there's one thing we've had awesome success with, it's teaching the Princess the concept of privacy; For one thing, she had stopped teleporting into pony's houses at night to watch them sleep. But trying to convince her that dreams are private had been as successful as explaining physics to Pinkie. "But first you shall drink from my canteen. I shall not have this tale punctuated needlessly by your hiccups." She said, floating a waterskin over to me. I didn't know anypony still used those.
As I took a swig from the waterskin a thought occurred to me; Maybe if I hiccuped too much I could get away with not telling her the story.
And just like that my hiccups went away. Ponyfeathers.
"....and after the gemstone chimichanga flower parade led by FlimFlam brothers, there'll be Dr. Hooves' fireless fireworks, though I could never understand how you can have fireworks without fire. But that's a good thing, because I forgot where I hid most of them. And after that the band will start playing the Pony Pokey, and...."
I looked down at the minutes of the Council of Friendship meeting in my claws. I had long since given up writing down everything Pinkie says. I bit my lip as I wrote down the next entry; 'Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie'. That pretty much covered everything. I felt a little bad. As the Castle's staff grew larger and larger on Princess Celestia's insistence, my list of responsibilities had grown smaller and smaller. Now writing the minutes was all I got to do and I wasn't even bothering to do it properly.
"That sounds wonderful, Pinkie." Twilight quickly got a word in as Pinkie finally paused for air. Contrary to popular belief, Pinkie Pie does breathe. Once in a while. "But gemstone chimichanga flowers? Fireless fireworks indoors? The Pony Pokey of all things? Are you sure all of that is appropriate for a party with the nobles?" She gave her pink friend a hopeful, almost pleading smile.
"But this is Spike's birthday party!" Pinkie protested. I couldn't help but feel gratitude for somepony, anypony, speaking up for me. I didn't even bother. Nopony would listen to me, never mind my seat at this Council of Friendship. "I mean, you've already stopped me making it a proper surprise party. C'mon, Twilight, it's not everyday somepony, or somedrake, turns eighteen! Well, sure there's somepony turning eighteen out there every day, but you know what I mean. Oooh, does that mean I should be throwing a party every single day for ponies turning eighteen somewhere out there?"
"I know, turning eighteen is indeed very special, and I'm ever so sorry, Spike, darling." An angel spoke up. She shimmered as she slowly turned those beautiful sapphire blue eyes towards me. Her silky voice, sweet as rubies, washed over me, drowning out anything and everything else. "But Blueblood dearest is trying to help the Council build better relations with the nobles. He's worked so hard to invite as many of Canterlot's elite as possible to tonight's party, the poor dear." And just like that, the mention of Rarity's coltfriend popped my little bubble with all the gentleness of a sledgehammer.
"Ya'know, Rares, I ain't got nuthin' 'gainst that there coltfriend of yers. Hay, Ah'll even buy the story that he's 'reformed' for a minute, even if he still has that habit of turnin' mares drier than an Appleloosan desert in July." Applejack spoke up. "But ya sure he's invitin' over all these fancy-schmancy nobles to Spike's birthday party out of the pure kindness of his heart? Ya sure he ain't planin' something?"
"Oh, for goodness sake, Applejack, darling, do be sensible and listen to yourself. One might make the mistake of thinking you are actually jealous of Blueblood." Rarity chided, dropping the unsaid like a weight on Applejack's jaw.
"Wh-wha...?" The apple farmer's slack jaw flapped feebly at Rarity.
"My darling Blueblood is simply making use of a casual little gathering as an excuse to help the nobles mingle with us. And I'm sure dear Spikey Wikey's more than happy to help the council. After all, he's such an understanding little gentlecolt, isn't he?" She smiled a sickly sweet smile at me.
"Um, yeah." I smiled a totally not-goofy smile back at her. Yeah, it's alright. Because Rarity says it's alright. She's always right. Even if Rarity does agree with Blueblood a lot these days. Horseapples. Isn't the 'reformation' bandwagon already full enough with the likes of Princess Luna, Discord and Gilda without Blueblood jumping onboard? I mean, if the prize for reforming is having Rarity for a marefriend then sign me up with the dark side, pronto!
Huh, wait. Sure, I don't remember the details all that well, but doesn't rampaging through Ponyville as a sixty hoof dragon qualify me for the reformation club?
"And that's why we need to do our best to make friends with them today. With their support I'm sure we'll finally be able to push all 404 articles of the Friendship reforms through parliament." Twilight nodded, before quickly sparing a moment for me. "Sorry, Spike." She said with what I suppose was an apologetic smile.
"Twilight Sparkle says 'sorry, Spike'." I nodded, writing it down in the minutes. Perhaps it was a little passive aggressive of me, but it didn't matter. Twilight had quickly turned away to face her friends to discuss how else they'll help the nobles ruin my birthday party. Ever since her efforts with Yakyakistan a while back, Twilight had gotten more and more ambitious in her plans to 'make friends' with the world. Her grandest project to date was befriending Equestria's own nobility. Rainbow Dash had likened it to eating a flying sofa; impossible and stupid. For the most part everypony had agreed. That was until Blueblood arrived.
Turns out stupidity's contagious. Who would have thought?
Darn Blueblood.
"I've read every chapter in 'In the Hoofsteps of Nobility' by High Horse and it's given me a few ideas." Twilight began. Oh, here we go. At least they can't do anything worse than my most disastrous birthday ever; that one time I kinda overdid the birthday binge and went full-dragon on Ponyville. "We'll have Octavia's classic chamber band provide the music. We'll start the party with an opening dance led by the guest of honour..." Though it would look like Twilight was taking a desperate shot at second place.
"There might be a problem with that. Poor Spikey Wikey doesn't have a partner for the dance, does he?" Rarity said with a worried frown, "If you're still having trouble, darling, I can suggest a few ponies. I'm sure Sweetie Belle..."
"Sweetie Belle's going with Button Mash." I said. That came out a little more curtly than intended. But I wasn't in the mood to apologize.
"How about Scootaloo?" Rarity turned to give Rainbow Dash a questioning look.
"Horseapples." Rainbow Dash growled, slowly sitting up from where she had been lounging in her chair.
"Excuse me?" Rarity rounded on her pegasus friend. "What...?"
Rainbow sat up fully, slamming a forehoof on the council table. "I can't believe I sat here and listened to you all and your lame-o ponyfeathers for a full hour. Do you all even listen to yourselves?"
"Why, I never! Rainbow Dash, explain yourself!" Rarity demanded, rising up to Rainbow.
"Oh? Wow, Rarity, I'd never think I'd have to help you find a mirror. Well, let me spell it out for you." Rainbow growled through her teeth, "This. Is. Spike's. Eighteenth. Birthday."
"And?" Rarity demanded, "Dear Spikey Wikey has said it many times already, he's fine with...."
"That's because you...!" Rainbow flapped her wings angrily, raising up into the air to loom over Rarity.
"Whoah there, sugarcube. Let's not say too muchly now." Applejack finally found her jaw as she bit down on Rainbow's tail, pulling her back down. "Still, we shouldn't have to say muchly at all. Rares, you know what we're talking about. Ah know Spike's right here, but enough is enough. Ah agree, this is Spike's eighteenth birthday. There's a line ya just don't cross."
"Um, yes, this is kind of mean." Fluttershy whispered from her corner of the Council table. "You know poor Spike will always say 'yes' to you. Um, sorry." She gave me an apologetic smile.
Rarity stared open-mouthed at all her friends. She took a deep breath, seemingly doing her best to appear the voice of reason. "I simply cannot understand what's gotten all of you so worked up. Dear Spikey Wikey is more than happy to...."
"Stop. Manipulating. Him!" Rainbow barked furiously. "You flocking know he has a crush on you! Why the hay are you still leading him on?!"
"Rainbow!" Somepony, maybe more than one, rose up, probably to stop Rainbow from saying more. I don't know. I didn't stop to look. Not that I could see much through all the water my face was leaking.
"Spike!" I heard Twilight call out after me. But I was already out the door.
"I-I-I-I mean, h-h-how'd Rainbow even find out?! I've only ever told two ponies about my crush, and they p-pinkie-swore never to tell anypony! And now everypony knows! Rarity knows!" I wasn't crying. I totally wasn't. I wasn't sitting there, hugging my tail and curling up into a little ball. I wasn't being lame. I wasn't being lame at all.
Princess Luna paused in the middle of ravaging a bouquet of fresh hot pancake-flowers. She somehow managed to frown at me over her bulging cheeks filled to bursting with pancake-y goodness. She looked between me and the pancake flowers, frowning all the while. Seemingly winning some internal struggle against her hungry belly, she set the bouquet of pancake flowers aside and scooted sideways towards me. I felt a soft, fluffy wing awkwardly but gently curl around me, pulling me up against her side.
I'm not a baby dragon, not anymore. I don't need hugs and stuff. It was just....it was just easier to lean into her than it was to move away, that's all.
She was really warm. It almost felt like being hugged by Twilight. It was nice. It felt like the whole world outside her wing didn't exist. There was just me and her steady breathing against me.
"Mrrmblemumblewimble." Princess Luna said something that was probably deep and profound. Except there was a mouthful of pancake in the way. "Mrblegrumblerumblemeep." She went on speaking Pancake as she pulled me closer against her.
"*Snrk*" I wasn't able to stifle it for long. I burst out laughing. I laughed and laughed. I laughed so hard I cried. The tears wouldn't stop. Even the hiccups came for the ride. But I didn't care. I was laughing so much the whole world just melted away into one big joke. And it felt great.
"Umusqueakyeepledoom." Princess Luna muttered with a disapproving look, but judging by how closely she still held me she probably didn't mean half of what she said. Whatever it was.
"Hahah! Yeah, you're too awesome, Princess." I laughed.
That seemed to mollify her a bit. "Rumplemrplefumfum." She raised her head as she placed a forehoof on her chest, looking the very picture of proud grace. Even with the cheeks full of pancake.
"You might want to finish the pancakes before somepony else does it for you though." I said, taking a gulp out of the canteen to drown out the hiccups once and for all. Luna quickly rounded on her bouquet of pancake flowers, giving out a loud war-squeak at the little flight of birds scouting it for pillage. She swiped her pancakes up into the air in her magic out of the reach of the cowering birds. She frowned for a moment, looking between the pancakes and the birds. The internal struggle raging within her showed on her troubled face. She finally gave a soft sigh, pulling out one whole pancake flower to share.
The birds hopped over to her, studying the pancake she held out to them in her forehoof. One particularly courageous robin took a peck. Then another. Encouraged by their brother robin, the rest quickly approached her to eat out of her forehoof.
The Princess carried on munching on her own pancakes, not bothering to remove the forehoof the birds were using as a feedbowl. She probably didn't need to do that, but she didn't seem to mind. The birds certainly didn't.
And just like that Princess Luna made Rarity, everything, feel a million miles away. She didn't even say anything. Well, nothing comprehensible anyway. But there was a deep sincerity in everything she did, whether it was awkwardly pulling me into a hug or comforting me in Pancake. She was caring if awkwardly so, but more than that she was honest and frank, hiding nothing (intentionally or no). I knew that her kindness to me was genuine, and to me at the time that meant the world. Probably more.
I couldn't help but snigger, watching as more birds arrived, landing all over Luna, turning the Moon into quite the aviary. They laid siege to her with their pleading looks. But the Princess of the Night scowled unflinchingly in the face of their unrelenting assault, holding her own bouquet of pancakes protectively against her chest. I suspect she would have held out the siege forever if I hadn't come to her rescue.
"Princess Luna, never fear. There's more where that came from." I nodded at the pancakes I was finishing up on the little camping skillet. "This one has blueberries in them." I gave her a wink.
The Princess' eyes widened as she finally gulped her mouthful. She set down her bouquet of pancakes, pushing them aside towards the birds, before scooting closer to the campfire. She gazed down at the pancakes, seemingly intent on devouring them with her eyes alone. She looked between me and the pancakes, her eyes wide with disbelief. "Blueberries?" She breathed, "In pancakes?" Her voice was almost a squeak.
"With peanut butter." I added with a sly grin. "Stuffed into some wild roses I found."
"W-witchcraft..." She breathed, "Are you some sort of wizard?"
"Oh, in my spare time." I said, airily. "Would you like some, Princess?" I asked, teasingly.
The Princess scowled at my teasing before turning away with a huff. "I would not want to intrude upon your meal." Her words were punctuated by another loud tummy rumble. "But if you insist, just the one, perhaps." She muttered, her lips quickly inflating into a pout.
She took ten.
"Ahah. That most definitely hit the plot." Princess Luna patted her tummy with a happy smile on her face. She sat back with a content sigh, leaning on the grass with her forehooves as she looked up at the noon sun above.
"You mean the 'spot'." I corrected as I cleaned up the debris from our impromptu brunch with the help of the birds. It's the least they can do to help clean off the crumbs.
"That is indeed what I said." The Princess nodded. "My compliments to the chef. Join me, dear Spike. Together we can overturn Donut Joe's iron grasp upon Canterlot's bellies!" She waved a forehoof imperiously at the invisible donut army in the sky.
"Heheh, sure thing, Princess." I chuckled, "After a bath and a brush." My laughter died away in my throat as I noticed her look down at the tip of her hoofsies again. Then came the wind-up toy impression as she cocked her head to one side, then the other.
"My bath! Mine!" I quickly corrected with a grimace before she could give me the stare-mageddon again.
"Hmmm, there is merit in your suggestion, Spike." The Princess said with a nod, "Not to say you need a bath, but that I might join in your plan." She gave herself a discrete sniff, "Hm, yes, merit indeed." She nodded to herself, scrunching up her muzzle.
That....went surprisingly well. I guess she's more open to ideas when fed. With pancakes. Gotta keep that in mind.
"I am certain the Bubbly Creek is nearby. If we can convince the cragadiles living there to vacate it for the afternoon, I can see to this bath." The Princess nodded to herself as she stood up.
"Whoah! Wait, Princess!" I waved a claw for her to stop. That was a grade A bad idea if I ever heard one, and I regularly hung out with Rainbow Dash. I mean, cragadiles are an endangered species after all. "Uh, while I'm sure you have no problems dealing with a creek full of pony-eating monsters...."
"Indeed, I do not." The Princess affirmed, "It is no different from a day at the royal court, except I suspect the creek's inhabitants would be of a sunnier and less murderous disposition."
"Well, why bother the neighbours when you can have a nice proper experience at the Ponyville spa? I work there so it'll be my treat." I offered, quickly, before the Princess could get any further ideas.
"I appreciate your offer, but I do not wish to impose upon your kindness any further, dear Spike." Princess Luna waved a dismissive hoof. But from the swish in her tail and the twitch in her ears, I could tell she was sorely tempted. In many ways she was just as easy to read as Twilight.
"I insist, Princess." I said, "I would love to have you over. I mean, these days Twilight has so many servants for just about everything, I barely get to do anything..." I slowly turned to face the ground, all while watching her out of the corner of my eye. I even idly scuffed the ground with a foot for good measure. The frown and tilting of her head to one side told of slow but very one-sided battle of wills.
"Does the spa house rubber duckies?" She suddenly asked in a quiet voice.
"Uh, yes?" I hazarded.
The rubber duckies seemed to win the day. "Very well, Spike. You and these duckies of rubber shall attend to me this day. For that and the food I shall owe you a boon twice repaid." She gave me a slow smile and a nod. She trotted over to her tent and levitated her saddlebags out, balancing them on her back. "Still, I cannot enter Ponyville as a Princess." She said, thoughtfully, as she stamped out the fire with a single stomp of her forehoof.
"Yeah, Ponyville kinda goes all cuckoo every time you Princesses visit." I nodded in agreement. The Cakes flooded Sugarcube Corner with tea, Fluttershy foalnapped royalty and everypony almost got banished and thrown into a dungeon in that place they were banished to, and that was only the first royal visit.
"And it would not do for me to visit on your Birthday. It would be poor to upstage the guest of honour." She said, tapping her chin thoughtfully with a wing. "Besides, there is the matter of Blueblood. Hmm, yes. It is decided." Her horn lit up with its usual silver sheen. The glow spread until her whole body was bathed in the same bluish white light. A brief spark later and Princess Luna was no longer there. Before me stood a petite pegasus mare, her smaller face and easy smile a picture of youthful impish charm. She tossed her long, silky two-toned azure and silver mane as she basked in my open-mouthed stare. She slowly turned around to reveal her crescent moon cutie mark. It had turned silver, shedding the dark midnight shroud of her Princess form. "Your thoughts, dear Spike?" She asked with a slow smile.
"Uh." I answered, intelligently.
Princess Luna gave a light chuckle into a wing tip. "Well, the best place to test a weapon's merit is the field of battle." She trotted off in a random direction, "Come, dear Spike. Let us conquer the day. And the baths." She thrust a forehoof imperiously into the air in the general direction of nowhere.
"Uh, Princess, that's the wrong way." I pointed out.
To my horror, the Princess paused, gazing down at her hoofsies, going all wind-up toy again. Right, princesses do not get rumbly tummies, do not forget to use their horns or wings, do not get dirty and certainly do not get lost! I rushed up ahead, grimacing all the while. "Uh, what I meant was, if I don't stick with you I might go the wrong way." I quickly said. "So, uh, can we walk back together?"
"Why, certainly, dear Spike." The Princess smiled as I fell into step next to her. We ended up taking the long way around back to Ponyville. The cragadiles were spared though.