//------------------------------// // No, No, No. I Swear It Was Seriously THIS Big // Story: Cloudy With A Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers // by Your Antagonist //------------------------------// Disclaimer: My Little Pony and its characters belong to Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and others. Street Fighter and its characters belong  to Capcom. Cloudy With a Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers By: Your Antagonist Round 3: No, No, No. I swear, It was Seriously THIS Big! Ponyville: Chaos Filled Street The ponyville streets were filled with rampant bedlam and screaming as the town’s inhabitants galloped through the streets in a frenzy like chickens with their heads cut off. Since the small town lacked a Royal Guard outpost or even a simple militia, the best hope anypony for surviving the onslaught of cataclysmic disasters that plagued the town was to hunker down in their homes, stick their heads between their legs, and kiss their plots goodbye. However, on this day, one very excited and stubborn Russian beast accompanied by five of Equestria’s finest mares sought to change that “Mr. Cyclone, please go back to the library! Your presence out here will only cause more of an uproar, and besides we can handle this problem ourselves!” Twilight begged as she latched herself around Zangief’s left leg in an attempt to stop him from moving forward. Little did she realize, that she barely weighed enough to make Zangief effectively limp let alone stop his movements altogether. “Nyhet, little unicorn, you cannot stop me! And besides, dealing with bears just happens to be one of my specialties. Now you will show me the way, and I will fix this problem, not for you, but to strengthen the reputation of Russian Wrestling!” Zangief stopped and shot his arms into the air, pointing to the sky for no reason Twilight could fathom. “But you can’t take on an ursa major! You’re not even a unicorn! What do you intend to do to it?” Zangief rolled his eyes and sighed as though the next words to come out of his mouth were common knowledge even on his own world where they would in fact be considered utter tribe if they had fallen on the ears of anyone other than select Australians "Throw it into the ground of course, what else do you do with bears?” “W-what!?” Twilight’s hair began to fray slightly as she absorbed the Russian’s convoluted logic. “You can’t throw an ursa major! They’re unthrowable!” Zangief stopped and stomped his leg once causing Twilight to lose her grip and tumble in front of the giant. She scrambled around only to see that Zangief had crossed his arms and was presenting his back to her. With a sigh and a shake of his head he began with a simple question.  “Do you know why bears exist, dorogaya?” In a matter of factly tone, Twilight began to expunge her vast knowledge of bears she'd accrued in a marathon study session of equestrian omnivores. "Pffft, that’s easy, they exist  to regulate the natural order of—” “Wrong!” Somewhere in Twilight’s head, a blood vessel popped in all the wrong ways. “Wrong? How am I wrong? You didn’t even let me finish!” “A bear only exists so that it may be slammed into the ground!” Twilight stomped a hoof to the ground. “That’s absolutely preposterous!” “And yet it is the truth. A bear’s sole desire, nyhet, its dream is to be slammed into the ground as many times as possible before they pass on to the next life.” Zangief turned around and faced Twilight, kneeling, with tears running down his half-bearded face. “Concussions and compound neck fractures are the only ways those simple creatures can find true happiness in this world. Do you truly wish to keep me from granting that state of bliss to that simple minded creature?” “You... you’re insane...” Applejack trotted up to Zangief, and placed a consoling hoof around the passionate sobbing ape. somewhere between the lines, she had connected with his ludicrous assessment on bear psychology.  “I get ya, Mr. Zangief, sometimes a critter just needs to be shown their place to understand just how good they got it, right?" Zangief merely grinned and nodded to Applejack, affirming her understanding of his wisdom. “So you’re saying that if I start slamming the bears I take care of, they’ll be happier for it?” Zangief knelt down next to Fluttershy and looked into her naive blue eyes while tactfully moving his hand to rest on her lush pink mane. "They would be most appreciative." "Fluttershy, Applejack, I can't believe the two of you are even listening to this. Rainbow Dash surely you can't... Rainbow Dash?" Twilight glanced at the pegasus whose face was now a mixture of disbelief and intrigue. "Oh Rainbow, not you too..." "I... I have to see him throw an ursa major.” “What!?” “Come on egghead, it would be too awesome not to watch! I’m going to lead him there!” Rainbow Dash prepared her wings for a speedy take off towards Zangief, but a familiar stern  tugging on her tail caused the pegasus to fall flat on her snout. “Rainbow Dash, we can’t show him where town hall is, we have to get him back to the library!” Rainbow Dash sprung forth from the ground, and took to the air glaring at Twilight. “Come on Twilight, it’s an ursa major! An ursa major! We need all the help we can get!” “I’ve dealt with one of these in the past, Rainbow. I know what I’m doing and I can handle it myself. I don’t want anypony or anything else to get caught in the middle of this, especially not some alien monkey thing that we know nothing about yet.” Rainbow Dash moved ever closer to Twilight, and placed her hoof on her friend’s back. “Twilight, that ursa during the Trixie incident was a baby right?” “Well, yeah, but—” “But nothing! What if this is a full grown ursa? The same trick won’t work twice! This guy says he’s an expert when it comes to bears, and it sounds like he knows what he’s doing. Besides,” Rainbow Dash grinned deviously causing Twilight to raise an eyebrow. “While you were trying to convince me, Pinkie and the others took off with big guy.” “What!? Ugh... whatever, just come on, we’ve got to catch them before they do anything stupid.” “Stopping them from doing anything stupid? Ha! This is Pinkie Pie we’re talking about here, you’re already too late!” Twilight’s eyes widened in sudden realization. “Oh no, you’re right!” Without any further hesitation, Twilight began galloping towards the mayor’s office with Rainbow Dash effortlessly keeping pace. After wading through the seemingly endless torrent  of panicking paranoid pastel ponies, Twilight and Rainbow Dash finally spotted Pinkie Pie who was hanging onto the neck of their raucously rowdy rippling russian whose presence wasn’t helping the volatile mentality of the crowd in the slightest. “Pinkie Pie!” “Oh, hey, Twilight! I see you finally caught up! Giefy here is pretty light on his feet for such a big guy, huh?” “Dah, this is true.” Zangief huffed proudly as he continued to charge through minor equine obstacles that littered his path. “ I have trained myself to run faster than a certain man’s ki-energy blast so that he would no longer cheat in our duels!” Zangief paused to fill his lungs with a selfish amount of air before he resumed speaking. “Now little pink spaz, where is the bear you promised me?” Pinkie Pie leapt up so she could stand on Zangief’s left shoulder and pointed towards the decrepit dilapidated structure that was Ponyville Town Hall “Right ahead of you, Giefy! Do you see it yet?” Zangief squinted and scrutinized the building ahead of himself as he searched for his prize, but much to even his own surprise, he recoiled in shock as he took in the size of snarling tusked monstrosity before himself. The Red Cyclone had  mistakenly assumed that since the equine inhabitants of this planet had mistaken him for a giant, by comparison the Ursa Major they feared so much couldn’t have been much larger than himself. However for the towering genetic anomaly before his eyes, Zangief could only summarize his feelings in one eloquent description: “That is big motherfucking bear.” Pinkie Pie backflipped from Zangief’s shoulder and retreated to join her friends, who had stopped a careful distance away from their Russian godsend. “You can do it, Giefy! I believe in you!” “Y’all show that bear who’s boss, Mr. Zangief!” cheered Applejack. “You can do it, Mr. Cyclone, woo-hoo.” The pathetic soft shout that had to be punctuated with a period had, resonated from none other than Fluttershy. Only Twilight and Rainbow Dash dared to stand with Zangief as he watched the ursa major slam one massive claw into the side of the building, instantly collapsing  support beams and the roof almost instantly. “Well, do you think you can slam that bear into the ground, Mr. Red Cyclone?” Twilight’s tone was condescending and persnickety. Placing a hoof to Zangief’s quivering thigh, Twilight attempted to push the Russian to the side “Maybe you should head back to the library and leave this to a pony with some experience dealing with giant creatures, hm?” Twilight began to trot heroically towards the ursa major, but found her path was soon halted by Zangief’s massive left hand. “Nyhet, it is too dangerous. We will handle this together.”   “Gah, alright fine, fine. It doesn’t look like there’s anything I could say that will convince you otherwise, but just what in Equestria do you suggest we do?” Zangief took Twilight’s question to heart and began pondering a plan of attack against the creature. After witnessing its terrifying display of brute strength, he knew that a head-on attack would be foolhardy, but if he could catch it off-guard and off balance, he would stand a better chance. What he needed right now was a distraction, something to keep the bear’s attention while he rushed in and made short work of the monstrosity, but what? The ursa major hurled its mass through the remains of the town hall, leveling what was left of the structure down to its foundation. Bored with its former stomping grounds, the ursa turned its attention to the general populace and began terrorizing the Ponyvillians directly. At that moment, three little fillies crashed into Zangief’s leg, stirring the giant and breaking his concentration. “Ooof!” gasped the orange pegasus who tripped over Zangief’s boot. “Ow!” the yellow filly said as she bounced off of Zangief’s leg. “Ouch!” cried the white unicorn as she tripped over her friends. All three fillies picked themselves off the ground and stared daggers at each other as they began to bicker amongst themselves, the ursa major ravaging the town hall all but forgotten. “Dang it, Scootaloo! I told ya to watch where you’re goin’ and now look at what ya went and did!” “What I did? You tripped first! And besides, Sweetie Belle kept stepping on my hooves when I was running!” retorted Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle however was not about to take the blame lying down. “Well, maybe the fastest filly in our class needs to pick up the pace! You were running so slow that town hall might have been desecrated before we could stop the ursa!” “Don’t use words I don’t know the meaning of!” “Then why don’cha try readin’ a to expand your vocabulary, ya featherbrain?” Applebloom asked derogatively. “Why you—” “Ahem.” Zangief coughed to draw the attention of the three fuming fillies. “Excuse me malenkaya devotshka, but why do you not run like the others? This place is very dangerous you know.” Three pairs of curious eyes studied the man before themselves curiously and with awe until Twilight voiced her concerns for the trio’s safety.  “Girls, what are you doing here? You should be back in town taking shelter with the others. Come on, I’ll take you to your sister.” “Sorry, but no can do Twilight,” said Applebloom. Twilight was taken aback as she hadn’t been expecting the filly’s immediate refusal. “Girls, you have to get out of here now, this isn’t a game, you could get hurt messing with that thing.” “We know that,” Sweetie Belle began. “But we’ve finally figured out what our special talent is!”  Sweetie Belle nodded to Applebloom and Scootaloo who both nodded in return as though some unspoken acknowledgement between the three had transpired. A moment later, an ear piercing shriek ripped through the air and left a nasty ringing behind in the ears of anyone too close to the epicenter as all three Cutie Mark Crusaders sounded off with the same war cry. “Cutie Mark Crusader Monster Hunters! Yay!” “Oh no you don’t, Applebloom. You and your friends get over here right this instant! Let Twilight and Mr. Zangief handle that thing.” Applejack demanded “Aw, come on sis, this could be our only chance to get our cutie marks!” “I said no, and that’s that. Now get over right this instant, or I’ll see to it that you’ll be personally responsible for cleaning up sheep manure for the next year.” The crusaders dejectedly began to trot back towards the relative safety that the older ponies presented, but in that same instant, something in ludicrous Zangief’s brain clicked. He needed a distraction, and not even seven feet from him were three prime candidates for such a task. “Hey, little girls.” Three little ears perked up at the beckoning of Zangief’s voice. “You want to be heroes, dah?” The three fillies looked at eachother, then at Applejack, and finally Zangief. “Applebloom, y’all come here right this instant!”Applejack commanded. “Little girls, I have plan to defeat the monster, but I need your help, come quickly!” After another moment of deliberation, the Cutie Mark Crusaders turned and cantered off to join Zangief and Twilight, the latter of whom was none too pleased that the former had invited children into the fray. “You’re gonna be in trouble with Granny Smith and Big Macintosh when this is over Applebloom!” Applejack shouted, but her threats fell on deaf ears. “Khorosho, khorosho, you have made the right choice.” “Umm, Mr...” Applebloom struggled to remember Zangief’s name, but luckily for her, the russian wrestler was always more than happy to introduce and reintroduce himself. “Zangief. Zangief the Red Cyclone!” The giant announced his name while proudly flexing his biceps. “Right, Mr. Red—” “His name is Cyclone!” Scootaloo corrected. “It’s Zangief you do-do!” Sweetie Belle hissed. “Whatever!” All three shouted simultaneously. “Mr. Zangief the Red Cyclone, what do you need us to do?” asked Applebloom “Yeah,  what’s the plan?”  Scootaloo pressed for information. “What do you have in mind?” inquired Sweetie Belle. Zangief bent down towards the fillies and began whispering his plan to the ecstatic equines in a tone low enough so that Twilight couldn’t hear his scheming. “You want us to run around like chickens with their heads cut off when we get to the ursa?” Sweetie Belle asked. “I guess that shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for you huh, Scoots?” Applebloom teased. Scootaloo merely rolled her eyes at her friend’s insult before returning her focus to Zangief. “Okay, I get the plan, but I have one question: what’s a hadouken?” A deviant grin spread slowly across Zangief’s lips. “Glad you asked.” In one swift motion, Zangief seized the Cutie Mark Crusaders by their tails, and held the fillies up to his chest. “Banishing Flat.” He began to flex his right arm intensely, calling forth his spiritual and mental energies that he channeled into his hand which began to glow with a fiery green aura. This was a technique he developed specifically to fight against opponents who specialized in ki-based projectiles, but in practice, he found that it had other uses such as increasing his grip strength and overall throwing power, among other things. “Woah Mister, what happened to your claw? It’s all green and glowy!” Scootaloo asked, but Zangief never answered her question. Instead, keeping his arm extended, he began to spin around in place slowly, the Crusaders involuntarily trailing behind his clenched fist. As he spun and spun, Zangief began to pick up speed and power, steadily turning the ponies into a lethal triple headed flail that began to scream due to fear of the intense speeds they were being spun at. With one final swing of his arm, Zangief sighted the ursa major and hurled the Cutie Mark Crusaders with his ki-enhanced strength towards the behemoth. He didn’t have the time to appreciate his work or their terrified shrieks however as he had to close the distance between himself and his quarry quickly. Twilight stood flabbergasted, trying to make sense out of what she’d just seen.  “Did... did you just... throw children at an ursa major?” “This is no time for your morality, come, we must go now!” Zangief driven by the heat of the moment ran and leapt into the air, coming down hard on Twilight as he mounted her in a rider’s stance. “Giddiyap, dorogaya!” Zangief leaned forward in anticipation of Twilight’s imminent galloping. Instead, he heard a sickening crack and a yelp of pain as Twilight’s legs buckled beneath his weight. Zangief sighed and shook his head. “You should really work out more, you are quite scrawny, yes?” Twilight kicked and struggled underneath the crushing weight of the giant. “Will you just get off of me!? I can’t breathe!” “Sorry about that, weakling.” Zangief stood up, helping Twilight to her hooves as he did. “We must get over there quickly.” “Ugh,” Twilight took a moment to crack her neck, relieving the tension that had built up from her brief career as a stool. “Why didn’t you just say so? Hold on to my tail.” Zangief hesitated before seizing the unicorn’s tail which he noted had a surprisingly silky texture to it. “Here goes!” As she focused her magic into her horn, Twilight envisioned the pile of debris that had once been the town hall, and with a sharp Crack, she and Zangief disappeared in a flash of purple light. Ponyville:  Demolished Town Hall A resounding Snap filled the air as Twilight and Zangief rematerialized on what Twilight could only surmise had once been the desk of Mayor Mare. “Well, here we are Mr. Cyclone.” Twilight gestured to the rear end of the massive ursa major that was arguably more terrifying at the meager distance of thirty meters. Here he could feel the ground tremor with every step it took, and the force of its guttural roar as it tore through the air shattering any remaining widows that managed to stay intact from the beast’s earlier assault. “So, where’s this big plan of yours now?” Zangief paid Twilight’s snarkiness no mind. Instead he cupped one of his hands to his ear and listened to the wind. He was waiting on a certain chorus of terrified filly terror, and fortunately for him he didn’t have to wait long to hear it. “WAAAAAHHHHH!”  “Right there, dorogaya.” Zangief pointed to a fast moving trichromatic clusterfuck of terror that soared through the air carrying with it the force of a howitzer cannon salvo. He turned to Twilight and said simply, “Catch them after they connect, I’m going in!” Zangief took off sprinting through, occasionally having to vault and leap over fallen support beams and tacky office furniture rentals. He was racing against the Cutie Mark Crusaders now, and he had to tie with them, or else this plan was all for naught. With each labored breath, the rampant ursa was growing closer and Zangief  was steadily becoming more excited. “KYYAAAAA!!!” The Cutie Mark Crusaders were only mere seconds away from contact with the ursa and Zangief had just made it under the creature’s belly. Fortunately for him the ursa was too busy bearing down on an unfortunate green unicorn to notice either of the instruments of its demise closing in. For a moment, everything seemed to slow down for Zangief. He looked to his right and saw the exact moment when the fillies finally collided, one after the other, into the area around the ursa major’s eye. He could see the drool  fly out of its mouth while its head whipped backwards, the purple aura of magic that enveloped the crusaders before gravity and recoil force could take hold of them and inflict any further damage. He could feel the air around him vibrate violently from the massive bear’s pained roar. But more importantly, out of all of his perceptions he could see his goal. The off balance ursa stumbled backwards, lifting its paw off the ground just the amount Zangief had been hoping for. With one final push of his adrenaline jacked body, Zangief managed to pump his arms and legs just enough to get himself under the bear’s paw as it struggled to regain its footing. He turned around to face the massive claw and held his hands up bracing himself for the imminent impact, and then they met. As soon as the disoriented ursas massive claw fell into Zangief’s hands, there was an immediate power struggle of which the Red Cyclone found that he was greatly disadvantaged almost instantly. For the ursa it was as simple as putting its foot down flat, but for Zangief it was taking his all to prevent himself from being crushed. Beads of sweat cascaded down his face, as he pushed against the demon bear with all his might. Though his arms were on fire, Zangief dug his feet deeper into the ground and pressed on still. He was waiting for the ursa major to make a fatal mistake that would dramatically shift the contest in his favor, and he was about to get his wish. The ursa major irritated by the resistance it was met with put all of its body weight into the equation hoping to crush whatever stood between itself  and solid ground. Zangief managed a weak smile through the increased strain. “Bear, you have been— ungh— formidable, but this...” Zangief grit his teeth to compensate for the pain in his muscles. “Is where... you... LOSE!” The Red Cyclone seized one of the ursa’s toes and worked quickly to compensate for the increased falling rate of now increased load. He spun around quickly, supporting all of the bear’s girth with his back and legs which began to crack and quiver under the pressure, but despite his physical situation, he had the mongrel exactly where he wanted it. With one gargantuan pull, he leaned forward, simultaneously redirecting the ursa major’s mass forward, and successfully threw the bear forward  upon the crown of its head. From this point on the bear’s massive frame would work against itself, as the neck was the next part of its body to make contact, quickly followed by its shoulders and the rest of it body until it was utterly and helplessly sprawled on its back.  Zangief breathed a sigh of release and his inflamed muscles screamed for joy. The hard part was over, but there was still work to be done. Zangief grabbed a tuft of his dazed and confused victim’s fur, and began climbing his way up the supine saboteur. When Zangief reached the bear’s belly, he took a moment to marvel at the design of its fur and the uncanny resemblance to the night sky, and that only inspired him to destroy something beautiful. Zangief knew he had to end this conflict before the bear could stand up again, and began sprinting towards the head. Once he had closed the distance to five meters, he leapt forward and brought his knees to his chest, exploding them both outward into the ursa’s jaw with the force of a tank shell. The bear’s head recoiled and its bottom row of teeth were introduced to the top row at a ludicrous speed, resulting in a sickening shattering sound  from the mandibles and tusks crushing each other into bits. Another roar of anguish escaped the beast which had begun flailing its limbs about, and Zangief readied himself to finish this fight once and for all. The russian scaled the ursa’s neck and traversed the short distance to its snout which he slid down so that he was standing squarely between its eyes. Both eyes rolled inward to ogle the strange creature that had given it so much grief in such a short period of time. “It’s time for sleep friend.” Zangief rose one mighty fist above his head and brought it straight down on the space he stood on. The ursa only howled again, and in response Zangief slammed his other fist on the same spot. For each growl the ursa gave, Zangief would return the favor with a torrent of angry smashing. This process repeated itself like clockwork until the ursa had gone still and silent. Zangief satisfied that he had successfully knocked the simple beast either unconscious or into a coma, slid down the side of the bear’s head, stumbling as he made contact with the ground.  Zangief didn’t realize that a crowd of awe-struck ponies had gathered during his contest. In an effort to start off on a good foot with the inhabitants Zangief decided to extend an olive branch via his patented tried and true introduction. “Little horse comrades, you have nothing to fear! Your town has been saved by none other than Zangief, the Red Cyclone! Please, there is no need to thank me all at once, I was simply doing my duty as a professional russian wrestler, however I understand if you all would like my autograph.” For all of Zangief’s enthusiasm, the only gratitude he received was a flurry of finely spun lassos that quickly bound him by the wrist and neck, and were just as quickly wrapped around his body. “I saved your lives, and I mean you no harm! So, what is the meaning of this?!” Zangief was furious  that they had responded so rudely to his offer of friendship. An older looking mare with glasses and graying mane trotted up to the bound Zangief a look of cruel disgust splayed across her features. “By the power vested in me as mayor of Ponyville, I hereby place you under arrest for leading an ursa major into my town, and don’t even try to feign ignorance. We have eyewitness reports that state something matching your description chased this monster into our home, and by Celestia, you are going to pay for every inch of destruction that thing has wrought upon us." The mayor narrowed her eyes at Zangief before she finally reached a decision regarding what had to be done about such a heinous criminal. "Bring him to the library.” Round 3: Grab Finish!