A sudden knock at the library door startled Twilight into dropping the nine hundred forty-seven books she had been levitating.
Twilight teleported across the mess of literature now carpeting the floor and opened the door. Bouncing before her was, well, the only pony who would be bouncing before her.
“Hi Twilight!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. “Whatcha doin’?”
“Well,” replied Twilight, “today is the quarterly reorganization of the library. I thought I would begin by—”
“Ooh! I know! You decided that putting the books on shelves was too much work, so you’re putting them all on the floor! It makes it much easier to find books, not to mention the fact that a paper floor is super comfy to walk on.”
Pinkie proceeded to demonstrate her point by trotting across the layer of books that covered the ground. She snagged a copy of Famous Parties in Equestrian Politics from the indistinguishable sea of print and curled up on one of the now-vacant library shelves to read it.
“No, I was just taking the books off the shelves so I could—oh, never mind.” Turning away from Pinkie, Twilight began picking books up off the floor. “Let’s see, I wanted to arrange these volumes on magical theory by subject matter rather than by historical period…”
“Uh, Twilight? Who are you talking to?” inquired Pinkie Pie.
“Oh, nopony. I’m just talking to myself. Discussing my organizational system aloud helps me rehearse and analyze the logic behind it.”
“Silly Twilight, only crazy ponies and villains engage in monologues. Wait, are you a villain? Should I get the others here so we can blast you with a friendship beam and make you good again? Would it even work for you to blast yourself with the elements of harmony?”
Twilight tuned out her friend’s incessant chatter and returned to organizing her books. Pinkie talked more than anypony Twilight knew. In fact, Pinkie Pie held the record for the longest speech ever given in a single breath, lasting some two hours, twenty-nine minutes, and fourteen seconds. Twilight would know; she had timed the speech herself. But as much as Twilight enjoyed her friend’s nonsensical ramblings, sorting through a stack of books on different systems for cataloging books required Twilight’s full attention. Therefore, Twilight let Pinkie’s babbling wash over her without bothering to pay attention to the content of her ranting. Occasionally, Twilight would happen to notice an odd word here and there—such as “chocolate,” “consanguineous,” or “unstable time loop”—but by and large Twilight simply listened to the sound of Pinkie’s voice as she worked.
After half an hour of neatly shelving and re-shelving books, Twilight was vaguely aware of the fact that Pinkie was no longer sitting and reading but was bouncing around the library, staring into various corners, crevices, and other potential hiding places. Twilight assumed that Pinkie was simply checking on the supply of the assorted objects she hid around Ponyville in case of an emergency. After completing her inspection, Pinkie began swimming through the sea of books that still covered the floor, acquiring several gold medals in the process. Eventually, Pinkie got bored with swimming and started placing books on shelves.
That got Twilight’s attention. “Pinkie, what in Equestria are you doing?”
“Me? Oh, I thought I’d help you put your books back on the shelves. Though I really don’t know why you’d want to do that; swimming through books is so much easier than walking.”
“Pinkie, I told you, I’m reorganizing the entire library. I appreciate the thought, but just randomly putting books wherever you feel like won’t actually help me.”
“That’s ok, Twilight. I’m not just randomly putting them wherever. I’m being extra careful and meticulous,” Pinkie said as she tossed books backward over her shoulder onto a shelf behind her. Miraculously, the books she threw landed in a perfectly neat row.
“And what do you know about library classification systems?” Twilight asked sarcastically.
“Well, not much,” replied Pinkie Pie. “But don’t worry. I’m like, really, really, really good at organizing.”
“Really.” Twilight was not convinced. Pinkie, meanwhile, was not touching the ground as she used her tail to stir a mound of books.
“Oh, sure, Twilight. I know exactly what to do. See, these two books are green, so they go next to each other. And this one has the same number of pages as that one, so they get spaced one shelf apart.”
“What?” exclaimed Twilight. “What are you…?”
“And then this one has the same first word on page fifty-eight as these two, so those all go together. Of course, this book here has no index, so that bumps it down by three spots.” Pinkie moved this book three imaginary spaces to the right on the shelf.
Twilight could only stare as Pinkie Pie continued.
“This book would normally go on the top shelf next to that other one with the same publisher, but it has seven different paragraphs without the letter ‘e’, so I’m going to have to move it to the bottom. Too bad for you, you e-less novel!”
Finally, Twilight managed to regain a hold on her sanity long enough to speak up. “Pinkie, how can this possibly be an organization system? It makes no sense!”
“It makes perfect sense, Twilight. This shelf only has books that mention Manehattan, this shelf only has books with more than two hundred pages, and this shelf only has books written in the past five years.”
“And what if there’s a three-hundred page book written last year about Manehattan theater?”
“You mean like this one?” Pinkie Pie held up a copy of Recent Musicals of Manehattan and the Mares Behind Them.
“Exactly. Now, which shelf does that one go on?”
“Why, silly, it goes on the first shelf.”
“And the reason that the ‘Manehattan’ categorization takes precedence over the other possible classifications is…?”
Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes at such a ridiculous question. “Well, duh, it’s because the book has a prime number of chapters.”
“That’s completely irrelevant!” cried Twilight.
“You know, Twilight, for a pony who studies all the time, you sure seem to have trouble learning new ideas. Like learning how to books.”
“I do not have trouble with learning,” replied Twilight indignantly. “It is only when an idea is completely, utterly, and irrevocably ludicrous that I choose to ignore it. There can be no possible benefit to organizing my books the way you seem to be suggesting. I’d never be able find anything!”
Pinkie grinned. “First of all, how were you able to find anything when all the books were scattered on the floor? And second, if I’m so bad at organizing, how was it that one time I found a book Elements of Harmony before you did?”
To keep herself from exploding and/or catching on fire, Twilight paused before she responded. Her response still came out harshly. “Well, that time, you actually looked for the book in a logical spot. With this mess you’ve made, logic doesn’t even enter the picture.”
“Sure it does. Would you like me to write it down for you? Books without chapter titles usually go before books that have chapter titles, unless the author is from Canterlot, the book is autobiographical, or the binding is falling off.” Pinkie snagged a quill and some parchment from somewhere and began scribbling down her instructions.
“Oh, well, that makes perfect sense.” Twilight sighed in exasperation. “Look, Pinkie Pie, I’m glad you’re willing to help, but I would really prefer if I did this myself. After all, I am the town librarian, and I need to be able to find books when other ponies ask for them.”
“Okie-dokie-lokie.” Pinkie immediately stopped rearranging a stack of books according to the colors of the rainbow and smiled at Twilight. Then, completely oblivious to the steam pouring from Twilight’s ears, Pinkie hopped over to her friend and hugged her. “Maybe I can see if Dashie needs help organizing the clouds around Ponyville. Have fun, Twilight!” Pinkie bounced out the door as unashamedly happy as always.
Twilight glanced dejectedly at the ground. She hadn’t meant to get so frustrated with Pinkie Pie. After all, Pinkie was just trying to help. But organizing the library was a task that demanded logic and precision, and neither quality had anything to do with Pinkie Pie. As much as Twilight enjoyed Pinkie’s craziness, this really was a task that needed to be done by somepony who was organized, meticulous, and rational.
With that thought in mind, Twilight studied the shelves filled with the books that Pinkie had haphazardly and randomly tossed there. Twilight took a minute to examine the results of Pinkie’s completely illogical classification system.
The books were perfectly arranged alphabetically by author.