The Snuggle Conspiracy

by CategoricalGrant


On Her Majesty's Snuggly Service (Princess Luna)

DJ-Pon3 looked up at you with tired eyes as you gazed at the ceiling of your room, hopelessly lost in thought. She shifted her weight a little bit and made a quiet throat clearing noise as she lay her head on your shoulder, but you don’t notice. Finally, she speaks.
“You’re usually a better snuggler. Watcha thinkin’ about?” she manages to ask before letting out a big yawn and giving you a little nuzzle.
This startles you out of your trance. “What?”
DJ-Pon3 rolls her eyes, “You’re really lost in thought.”
“Oh,” you respond, with a tense groan, your back hooves wrestling anxiously under your sheets, “I’m just a little on edge with all the weird stuff that’s happened recently… Riots in the news, ponies acting strangely… I don’t know if you heard, but Flitter and Cloudchaser had a break-in a few nights ago.”
“Yeah, I did hear,” your friend replies, her tired voice touched with a hint of concern. “We *yawn* almost never have violent crime here. You were there with them after, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, don’t worry about all this. I think it’s just been a rough week.”
“I’m not so sure,” you reply wearily. “Something about all this just rubs me the wrong way.”
“Look,” DJ-Pon3 explains, propping herself up slightly and looking you in the eyes, “Even if all these events happen to be connected and what’s happening is some sort of big deal, Equestria has been through way worse.” She plops herself down on you again and lets out yet another yawn. “It’s not our job to deal with that stuff. Princess Celestia or Princess Twilight or, I don’t know, the Royal Guard deals with that sort of stuff.”
You frown. “That just doesn’t put me at peace.” You meet her eyes. “Do you ever feel as if… something you do gives you immense power? As if the ability to influence ponies magnifies the capacity for good and evil…? Like darkness is moving behind the scenes, and the true battle is the one for hearts and minds, and that the victor, though he may be only one, speaks for millions?”
DJ-Pon3 gazes into your eyes. The shimmering magenta orbs both calm you, and draw you away from your confidence.
Then, she speaks. “You are a sad, sad little pony. Go to bed.” She promptly buries her face into you.
“Hey! I’m not done, I really think that-“
DJ-Pon3 blindly flaps her hoof on your face several times, face still buried in your fur, before finding your muzzle and pushing in to silence you. You grumble lightly and then rest.
A long corridor of shimmering metal and glass lies before you, the hall lights reflecting off of the iridescent flooring. Walking forward, you come to a set of glass doors which open onto a plain balcony. Below lies an urban cityscape, the likes of which you have not seen in all of Equestria. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of tall skyscrapers lie on a grid stretching as far as the eye can see out onto a hazy horizon. Eerie but warm orange glows emanate from the windows of every building, futuristic wagons and carriages ride on the streets below, and the night sky holds no stars, with only the moon bright enough to shine on the city.
“Dazzling, isn’t it?”
“OH NUTS!” You jump, spinning to face the intruder.
Her appearance is unthreatening, and you take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. “Oh, geez, you scared me.”
The navy blue mare gives you a warm smile. “I’m sorry.”
You turn again to view the bustling cityscape. It feels so far away, despite the fact you’re standing on what you assume to be a building’s balcony.
The newcomer joins you in watching the city. You wonder why you are so calm, and why you haven’t asked any questions, but the overwhelming need to simply watch the city stifles your thoughts.
“A beautiful picture,” the mare speaks. “The future can be wonderful, or terrible, or bittersweet, like this. But, to us, the future is only that. The future. For now, it is a dream.”
The buildings fade away in front of you, the stars return to their position in the night sky, and before you lies the familiar valley below Canterlot. You think you can see the lights of Ponyville in the far distance.
Turning to your companion, you make out her wings and horn. Remembering glances from Nightmare Night and the newspapers, you finally identify her.
“Princess Luna? Why am I dreaming about Princess Luna?”
“Oh, no dear subject. It is truly I. It is my duty to safeguard the dreams of the ponies of Equestria.”
You gaze at the Princess deeply before letting out a deep snortle of derision. “Yeah, right. The Princess of Night in Equestria enters my dream and is talking to me. You better have a warrant, lady. I know my rights. Oh wait, I almost forgot, you’re not real.”
Princess Luna continues, a little more darkly. “I can prove my reality. I know the things you keep in your dreams. Would you like to hear them?”
You have a quick pang of fear race across your heart before you smile confidently. “Hah! That proves nothing! I know the things hidden in my dreams. Therefore, a figment of my imagination would also know the secrets in my dreams, being itself a secret hidden in my dreams.”
Princess Luna seems to consider this for a moment, before collapsing on her haunches in abject defeat. “W…I have never thought of it that way. I don’t think I’ve ever had to deal with a situation like this before.”
You smile confidently at your genius, before realizing that if you were to follow your postulate to completion, you simply had bested yourself in a mind game. You frown at the knowledge that you are both a winner and a loser.
…Unless, of course, Princess Luna is actually real.
She looks up at you. Her eyes are much softer, and she feels more approachable. “I need your help.”
Now you’re actually interested in what’s going on in your head. Why would your brain create an image of the Princess in a dream, only to have her ask you for help? Do you have a serious case of narcissism? Or is something truly afoot?
You bring these thoughts together in the most logical way you know how. “Uh…”
“I’ve seen you helping my subjects all throughout Ponyville and Central Equestria throughout the last few weeks. Their dreams are full of happiness and rest. We…I also need your help. Please come to the Canterlot Palace tomorrow morning and ask for me.” She pleads softly.
“Uh…” you continue. “How…How do I know I’m not fooling myself? I’m going to look real stupid demanding to see a Princess I’ve never met.”
“I’ll leave a bouquet of blue roses on the entranceway. When you see them, you’ll know, and you can ask a guard to lead you to me. I’ll inform them that you’re coming.”
You watch her closely, her face portraying no sign of dishonesty. She continues, “You are special. I think you can shape the future you just dreamt of, if you only trust me.”
You drop down onto the cool grass in your dream and look out over your mind’s view of the present.
“Okay. See you tomorrow, Princess.”
Huh. Look at that.
What an interesting curiosity to see a bouquet of blue roses on the front entranceway to Canterlot Castle. It both struck you with anxiety and gave you a sense of calm, an assurance of what you already knew about your dream last night.
A chat with a gruff-looking but polite bat pony guard and a five minute trot later and you stand at the entranceway to Princess Luna’s chambers. You manage a weak cuff at the grand black doors, a poor excuse for a knock.
“Come in,” a warm voice replies.
You enter to see Princess Luna, seated by the fireplace and smiling at you. You smile back and enter.
“I’m impressed at your confidence,” she says. “Most ponies bow profusely upon meeting me.”
You shrug. “You may be a Princess, your highness, and I’m happy to treat you with as much respect as the title deserves. But at the end of the day, we’re both just ponies.”
Luna gives you a sad smile. “Indeed. It is more true than you know.”
You scratch the back of your head. “I do want to apologize about not taking your dream entrance for face value last night, though.”
Luna waves you off with a hoof. “Quite alright,” she says. “Dreams truly are strange places; I do not condemn your skepticism.”
Your pitiful apology accepted, your mood is lifted substantially. “So… you needed my help?”
She grows nervous. “I require you to snuggle me,” she states. “Ever since my return, ponies have been afraid of me, and rightly so. Those who know me, know me in a professional, governmental capacity. I have been… craving platonic affection.”
You smile. You were about to cuddle with a Princess! “Well, come on! Gimme a hug, your highness!”
She walks over to you nervously. “We-I…Th..You are most gener…generous.”
You hold out a hoof to stop her. “Princess,” you begin seriously. “Cuddling is a lot like a trust exercise. I can’t give you my best unless I know you’re comfortable. Why are you acting so nervous?”
“I…It is nothing.”
“It is not something. Come, Princess. You want to cuddle me but you can’t trust me with the truth? Are you nervous about cuddling?”
“No, no! I snuggled plenty of ponies in my first reign. I…I’m sorry. I struggle sometimes because of this new dialect spoken today. It is so very difficult to speak, and I know I will not be accepted if I fail.”
“Not true,” You state bluntly. “I don’t care at all what you speak, so long as it’s Equestrian.”
“You will…let me speak freely in your presence?”
“Sure,” you smile, “we’ll be snuggling behind closed doors, you might as well be yourself.”
Princess Luna darts over to you and gives you a warm embrace. “OH, THANK YOU DEAR CITIZEN! THOU UNDERSTANDETH NOT THE TRIBULATIONS WE PASS THROUGH DAILY TO MAINTAIN OUR RUSE!”
“Uh…A little quieter? Just a tad?”
“Oh!” Luna says, pulling away from the hug. “We are sorry for the Royal Canterlot Voice; We are working on that. Still, thou bringest us great joy in thine judgement to let us speak free in thine presence! Let us rejoice with the sharing of affections!” She gives you another hug. This time you take the hug in. Luna is significantly softer than anypony you’ve cuddled before, and her body is a cool and calming temperature, just like a late evening in the fall.
“Come!” She says, “Let us partake in snuggles!”
As you soon learned, Princess Luna was definitely an Alpha snuggler. You had never been the little spoon before, and yet here you are, trapped by hooves and wings that restricted all escape.
Still, she was very soft, and you were quite comfortable under the royal sheets, which must have had a thread count of over ten thousand. Small slivers of light came in through the windows, only barely illuminating the set of rich blues and purples that adorned the Princess’ bedroom. You manage to snuggle into her a little more, her body being made more comfortable with the removal of her metal adornments.
Your head lie on her mane, the starry sky seeming to spill out from under your right eye. It was definitely a much different cuddling experience. You like it.
She speaks, a moderate whisper into your ear. “I thank thee, fair citizen. We have not been graced by the presence of a snuggle partner in many years.”
You don’t even bother turning to face her, you know you’re locked down tight. “Who did you snuggle in your past reign? I-If you don’t mind the question.”
You can feel Luna smile as she gives you a squeeze. “Of course it is alright. In the years before, We had many compatriots. Oh, the raucous nights of board games and feats of strength which were had!” She giggles and pulls you closer, as if remembering. “And if our friends were gone, we merely had to call for our servants.”
You thought about that. You suppose it would be nice to be able to afford 24/7 snuggle servants.
But Luna continues, mocking her past self. “’Servant!’ I would call, ‘Thou hast served us well; continue to do so. Fetch us one of the slaves, that we may snuggle them!’”
Your heart shoots into your throat. Did you just sign up for snuggle slavery?
“Oh,” Luna continues, dreamily, “how wonderful those days were! From any fiefdom, any slave, be they earth, unicorn, or Pegasus, woth at our beck and call! Alas, dissapointeth were We, when upon our return, we learned that the institution was abolished, more than 800 years before! Still,” she goes on, “We much preferreth snuggling with friends anyway. The slaves and serfs often wiggleth to excess.”
She warmly squeezes you again, nuzzling your cheek. “Will thou fillest a new vocation for us?”
“You…You want me to work for you like this?”
“We will pay thine employer, such that thou may takest an ‘extended leave of absence’. Thou willst be titled, ‘The First Snuggle Concubine of Her Highness, Princess Luna’.”
You figet uncomfortably in your fur and feather prison. “Um… can I be something other than a ‘concubine’?”
“What of ‘Consort’?”
“Umm…”
“Courtesan?”
“How about ‘advisor’? I’m not sure those words mean what you think they mean.”
“Verily, we have never been good with comprehension. Very well. It is settled. We shall sleep embracing thou now, and finalize such arrangements this evening.”
You were up so late last night that you didn’t end up getting much sleep, and you’re tired enough to sleep again. “Luna,” you ask, “Can I turn to face you?”
Luna silently gives you permission by lifting her wing and allowing you to rotate to face her.
She gives you a warm smile. “We thankest thou, once again.”
You smile back. “Sure,” you say as you feel her pull you into a warm embrace again. “Good day, Princess.”