//------------------------------// // Dream A Little Dream Of Me // Story: The Princess and I: Moon // by Eggtaro //------------------------------// Oh. My. Glob. Balls. Huge, disgusting, slimy-looking balls. Of all the things that could've been on this silver platter, why the fuck does it have to be fucking balls?! Princess Luna has some serious issues, man. Seriously. Forcing your subordinates to eat freaking balls because of insubordination? What kind of punishment is this, man? How sick must you be to be able to come up with such horrendous ideas? No one, and I mean no one, aliens or humans, should eat balls because of failing to follow their superior's orders. It ain't right. It ain't safe. And it sure as fuck ain't healthy. Damn. Luna is one fucked up princess, man. But, even with that already being said, I probably won't be in this mess in the first place if only I've kept my big fat mouth shut. I should've just left Grim here to her fate. I should've just left with Raven and headed straight for my room. I should've ignored the unrelenting rumbling and growling coming from my stomach. But noooooo, I just had to go and be the hero. I just had to go and throw myself into the dragon's fiery mouth. Big mistake, Ron. Big, big mistake. Stupid Ron. Dumb Ron. Idiotic Ron. Why did I even bother in the first place? I was going to leave Equestria the very next day, anyway, so why did I opened my mouth? Why did I asked that question? Why did hearing Grim crying and pleading for help made me wanted to help her? So many questions, questions that might be left unanswered for some time. Forget the questions. There are other thing that require my immediate attention. Like those freaking balls sitting right in front of me. I can't possibly eat those monsters; I might seriously die of disgust and sheer terror. I wouldn't eat those (let alone touch them) even if they gave me fifty bucks. I might consider if it were a hundred thou--- No, no, no! No amount of money would make me interested in eating alien ballsacks. Maybe I could still get out of this; I could make up an excuse---tell them that I'm feeling ill or something. Or maybe tell them that I'm allergic to big balls. Wait, wait, wait. That sounded wrong. So wrong. Let me rephrase that. What I meant to say was--- "Is something wrong?" one of the guards asked me, staring. Oh no, my good sir, everything's just fine and dan--- OF COURSE SOMETHING'S WRONG! Do you not see the huge balls in front of you? Are you so oblivious to the fact that there is two, gigantic alien balls right in front of your eyeballs? DO YOU NOT SEE THEM BALLS, MOTH--- "Not really." I told the guard, trying as hard as I can to keep my composure---which was already slipping away, as you can already tell. "Is just that...I wasn't expecting...that." I pointed at the monstrosity with a trembling finger. "Well, we weren't expecting somepony to actually offer themselves to help eat...that" The three guards in front of me all shuddered together. I shuddered too. Who wouldn't? Grim poked me on the thigh. "Are you okay?" she asked me, with a worried expression. No, Grim. I am most certainly NOT okay. No sane being would be okay in situations like this. "I won't be once I swallow those balls." Grim went bright red in the cheeks. One of the guards cocked an eyebrow at me. Oh my God. Fucking phrasing, man! I smacked my forehead. "S-sorry. What I meant was---" "I-I know what you mean!" she squeaked, hiding her tomato face. "I understand you perfectly." she whispered. Swallow those balls...what was I thinking? "So...er...any tips?" Grim glanced at me. "Tips?" "You know..." I motioned at the...exotic food that was sitting on the silver platter with my hand. "is there anything I should know or do before eating that?" Like getting real drunk? 'Cause that might actually help me with my predicament, you know. But, then again, I haven't really touched the bottle for more than two years now. Don't want to throw those two years out the window now, right? It's gonna be a real waste. "Don't defy the Princess's orders ever again." said one of the guards, to which his other two buddies nodded their heads together in agreement. Thank you, Captain Obvious! That is one fucking good tip right there! I shall remember it...for the rest of my life. "...anything else?" I asked, resisting the urge to roll my eyes at them. "Don't think about it; just do it, and get it over with." "Don't chew. The taste is very, very nasty." "I heard Doomsday telling the others that adding honey might tame the overwhelming taste a bit---never really heard what happened after that, though." "The honey does nothing. Night Watch tried it once; she went out of action for an entire moon." "Really? Night Watch tried that?" "Yea---" I shook my head and turned to look at Grim. "Any advice?" I asked her instead, maybe she could offer me some sage advice. Some real advice. Grim only shrugged at me, "There's nothing to tell." she said, giving her neck a little rub. "This was supposed to be my first time." Great. Just my fudging luck. A virgin. Well, I guess I'm one now too. Can't complain. "Nevertheless, it's my first time too." I said, glancing at the demonic abominations. "What do you think I should do?" Grim stared at me with her golden-coloured eyes---I can't read her facial expression. Was it concern, or confusion? I can't really tell. Ponies can be hard to read at times. "You're really going to do this for me?" Grim asked all of a sudden, grabbing onto my hand with her hoof. "Why?" she asked me. Babe, if I knew the answer myself, I wouldn't be standing here right now, musing and asking myself the exact same question, too. "I dunno..." I told her slowly. "I just...wanted to I guess." That was before I discovered the manticore cojones, however. Now I just wanted to run away from this place; to put as much distance between me and the balls of nastiness. I felt Grim's grip tighten on my hand. "That's really brave of you, you know that?" she said, giving me a smile. "And kinda sweet." she added softly. Huh, what do you know, my heart suddenly skipped a beat after hearing her say that. Strange. Still won't make me feel any less scared than before, though. Balls are, and forever will be, balls. And they're gonna ruin my night. Or life. Or both. Badly. Very badly. Extremely badly. You get the idea. "...thanks?" A compliment is a compliment, I suppose. I don't get it very often, anyway. Might as well enjoy it while I'm still alive. Life can be so funny at times, don't you agree? Grim let go of my hand. "Well, good luck!" she backed away and gave me a nudge with her head, pushing me closer to my doom food. "Best if you eat it while its still fresh." "Fresh?" Those balls look raw to me. "Are these even cooked?" Everyone in the kitchen, except me, shook their heads. "You have to eat it raw." Grim whispered, hiding behind me, as if expecting the balls to suddenly pounce at her at any given moment. "You can't be serious." You can't be fucking serious, mate. Raw? Where did they even get these balls, anyway? Do they keep a buttload of these testicles in one of the fridges? I gotta ask them, just to be sure. "These can't still be fresh." I asked the guards in front of me, pointing a finger at the silver platter. "I mean, didn't you just bring them out from one of the fridges?" The three guards all looked at each other. "No, sir." the one on the left said, taking a step forward. "The kitchen's head chef has specifically requested that we don't keep any of it inside the fridges." "So you bought it from a butchery or something?" Man, what a life that must be; chopping off manticore balls. "There are no butcheries in Canterlot, let alone Equestria." Grim said from behind me, poking her head out. "Ponies don't exactly eat meat, you know." she gave me a frowny face. "The nearest butchery is hundreds and hundreds of miles away; the Empire are the ones that has all the butcheries." said the guard on the right. I gave them all a look. "If ponies don't eat meat, then why is that here?" I asked. "Why are you eating this? Shouldn't the punishment be more...meatless?" Like, maybe replace this with vegetables, perhaps? "We're not exactly ponies, sir." I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean? You all look like ponies to me." Or did the meaning of the word 'ponies' changed without me realizing? Grim stepped out from behind me, "We're bat ponies; same species, but with fangs and a desire for meat." she said, giving me a huge grin. One glance at her mouth was enough to tell me that she was telling the truth; she got fangs. Two, very sharp fangs. Like Dracula. But more on the adorable side. Wait, doesn't that mean that these guards are cannibals? Do they eat their fellow ponies whenever they get hungry for sweet, tender, and juicy pony meat? What the fu--- "No, we don't eat other ponies." Grim said, staring at me. The expression on my face probably told her what I was thinking. "But then...how do you...?" "We hunt." the four guards said together, almost with pride. "Whenever we get bored of eating hay, we leave this castle and set out on a hunt for meat." Grim added. I never thought I'd see the day where ponies would be eating meat. That would also explain the wings they have. Man. The ponies of Equestria are really, really weird, dude. Oh, shit. That could also only mean one thing. If they didn't buy these balls from a butchery, then... "S-So w-wait, what you're t-trying to s-say is tha---" Oh, God no. Please don't let it be true. "Yes, sir. We got those straight from the source." said the guard standing in the middle, his hoof pointed at the manticore testicles. * * * * * * Opening my eyes, I found myself standing in front of an abandon, old, derelict looking house. The house seems rather familiar, but I can't quite name it. Is it my house? No, that can't be right. I don't remember ever living in such a place. But then why does this place strike me as familiar? No, no. I'm just overthinking this. Never, in my entire life, had I ever stayed in a house like this. Period. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be? I mean...wait...the house...it's no longer here. Just a ruined building now. Are you really sure? Yes! I'm one-hundred percent positive! That house meant nothing to me. I have no memories, nor any sort of recollection of that place. It's alien to me. All of it. Why are you denying it? What are you talking about? I'm not denying anything! You know this place. Yet you refuse to remember. Bullshit. I don't...I don't remember...wait... Do you see it? ...yes...it's small but, I can see it clearly. What do you see? Tell me. I see...my home? This house...this house is my home. And there are two people standing at the doorway...is that...are those my parents? Mom? Dad? What else do you see? This house...it never looked like this. No, it wasn't like this at all. But then...why? Why what? Why does my home looked so...what happened? My parents...they disappeared. They're gone. Where did they go? Mom? Dad? Where did they go? Hot...why am I feeling hot all of a sudden? This heat...it's really hot...burning...melting...where are my parents? What's going on? Why is my house burning? Where are my mom and dad? Where have they gone? Gone where? Gone...they've gone...somewhere far...somewhere far away...to a place which I can never hope to reach... They're dead. And it's all my fault. * * * * * * What a dream. Opening my eyes, I found myself lying on a bed---and quite a huge one too. I blinked my eyes and tried to get a good look at my surroundings; judging by the decorations and furnitures, I'm inside a room---a bedroom. Maybe it's the guest room Raven told me about? There was a soft scent dangling in the room. It smelled like...some sort of flower, maybe? The aroma wasn't strong nor was it overwhelming. In fact, it was rather pleasant and soothing. A scent that I wouldn't mind having in my own room, back on Earth. Maybe I should ask one of the guards what scent is being used in this room. Speaking of rooms, this one is huge too. I must say, for a guest room, this room is insanely spacious. But why all the midnight-blue and black decor? The wallpapers, the floor, even the bed; all black and blue. Like a bad bruise. It almost felt like the room was going through an eternal night mode; never to see the sun's beautiful light ever again. But never mind that now. I'm more bothered by the dream I just had. That house I saw...it felt familiar. Really familiar. If only I could remember more...about the house, about those two people...my parents...? And that voice that kept talking to me. Call me crazy, but...I was almost certain that that was Luna's voice, speaking to me in my dream. But that can't be true, can it? I mean...I know dreams can be weird, but this...this is just beyond that. It almost felt like she was there with me. Both of us, together in my dream. Not as part of my subconscious. But really, really there. No. Ponies can't really be there in your dreams with you. Earth or Equestrian. It's just not possible...right? Well, maybe except for one; Raven had mentioned it to me; what if the title 'Princess of the Night' wasn't just a title? What if Luna really can visit you in your dreams, as the Princess of the Night? Nah...I'm thinking way too deep into this. All Raven said was that Luna raises the Moon. That's it. I'm just thinking too much. But then why was she there? Why dream of her? I sat up on the bed, and gave my eyes a rub. The room was dimly illuminated by small lamps hanging on the wall. I was alone in the room. All alone. Just me, and my quiet thoughts, alone inside this roo--- Now wait just a minute here...how on earth did I ended up here, in this room, anyway? What happened after I ate the balls? Why can't I remember anything? My head's feeling all fuzzy and hazy inside; obscured, blurred, and confused. I peeled away the soft blanket that was covering me, and got out the bed. I was still fully dressed---socks and shoes included. Might as well check the room out; could be a hint or clue on how I ended up here. Though the room was dimly lit, I could see the entire room without any problems. But there wasn't much to see in the room, anyway. It looked almost ordinary. Simple, but rather elegant. A little dark, but still, quite nice. A bookshelf could be found leaning against the wall next to a solid, ornate wooden door, filled with heavy-looking books. There was also a wardr--- Whoa! Hold the phone! Where the hell is my luggage? Where's my stuff? Did the freaking guards forget to bring them up here? Aside from the clothes that I had on, there was nothing else in the room that belonged to me. Nothing! Talk about bad service. I hope and pray to the powerful Almighty that my luggage weren't left lying around in the castle's courtyard somewhere. I knew I should've seen it to the very end. I needed to leave the room immediately. My belongings could've been thrown out, for all I know. I must find my stuff! Some thief could be digging through my stuff right this very instant, content and satisfied with his haul. I'm gonna have a word with Raven when I find her, maybe Celestia, if I'm brave enough. As my hand reached for the door kno--- what the fuck? There is no knob! It's just a door without a door handle, man! The carpenters of Equestria are reeealllyy lacking in something here; like a fucking door handle. How the hell was I supposed to get out now? Wait...what if...what if this wasn't a guest room at all? What if this was a...torture room? No, wait, that won't make much sense. Why else would they put a bed here? Why make this room all comfy-looking? I didn't spot any torture tools lying around the room; my limbs are still intact too, with all my fingers and toes. Looks like I haven't been tortured...yet. Maybe there's a hidden switch somewhere around here; one pull and SWOOSH! Instant torture room right in front of you. I should really stop watching those movies about torturing and torture rooms. It's messing up my mind. Besides, ponies aren't capable of doing such things...right? RIGHT? "Greetings." "ARRRGGGHHH! NOOOOOOO! LEAVE ME ALONE, SATAN!" I screamed like a little girl, covering my eyes with my hands. "THE POWER OF CH---" "Ron!" Before I could lower my hands, I felt someone grabbed onto my leg. Of course, that only made me panic even more. "NOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO PLAY A GAME!" I yelled, once more, voice high like a sweet, innocent, little girl. "NO GAMES, JIGS---" "RON!" shouted the demon, calling my name once again. "IT'S ME, RAVEN!" * * * * * * "I wasn't scared." I lied, trying to save whatever pride and dignity I had left. Raven only giggled, patting me gently on the head with her hoof. "There, there. No need to act so big and brave. We're here to protect you." Raven joked at me, trying her darndest not to burst out laughing. The heat in my cheeks only spiked to another million degrees higher. She's treating me like a little kid, spooked by the monsters hiding under his bed. The petting felt nice though. After I managed to calm down from my episode, the three of us were now seated on the bedroom floor together. Of course, we would had sat on chairs or benches if there were any in here; the bed was a possible candidate, too. But that would make the entire scene look awkward. And weird. "The way you screamed was really adorable." Grim laughed, joining Raven and giving my head a little rub. Lord, kill me now. Smite me this instant, for I am shamed, humiliated, and laughed at. I've broken one of the rules in the Manly Man's Guide to Maximum Manly Manliness: Rule#256: Never. Ever. Scream like a little bitch. I'm sorry Manly Man. I have failed you. Terribly so. "No monsters will get you here." Raven giggled. "We're here now, aren't we? You'll be safe with us." Grim chortled. Any more of this treatment from the two mares would only make me melt into a pool of shameness. The petting is nice though. "Just drop it, okay?" I said, edging away from their approaching hooves. "I was just...I was just..." I had to face the the truth; no words would save me from this humiliation. I just gotta suck it up, and deal with it. A few more minutes of giggling and petting went by before the two of them finally relented. I was sad that the petting had to stop, but at least they aren't making fun of me any more. "So." I started. "What happened? How did I ended up here?" Raven and Grim exchanged looks. "You mean you don't remember?" Grim asked, her bat wings neatly folded to her sides. I shook my head. "Nothing." Raven sighed. "We thought you were dead." Grim nodded. "I was so scared. I thought you were a goner." "We all did." "Was it really that bad?" I asked. They both nodded their heads at me. "So very, very bad." Grim said. I hesitated; I was unsure on whether or not to ask for more details, or just let it slide. "Go on." I chose the former. "Well..." Grim opened her mouth, but shut it almost instantly. "I'd rather not say." she whispered. "Oh, come on!" I pleaded. "I need to know what happened; you guys are acting like as if someone died or something." "After you ate...those? We were pretty sure it almost did happen." I smacked my forehead. Not knowing felt even worse than not wanting to know. "Maybe another time, Ron." Raven said, unfazed. "We'll tell you the entire thing once you are feeling...better." she stifled a giggle, covering her mouth with a hoof. "Besides, you have another guest waiting to speak with you." she added, suddenly getting up. Grim did the same. "Another guest? Who?" I stood up as well; my butt and legs was starting to get numb anyway. Besides, it didn't felt right to be the only one seated. Raven and Grim backed away from me, standing on either side of the door. "She'll be here soon." Raven said. "She who?" Before either of them could answer my question, the door in front of me suddenly glowed and opened. Now I know how to open these handleless doors---with fucking magic. Do I look like a bespectacled kid with a freaking magic wand? I can't use magic! I'm freaking human. A manaless human. Anyway, standing right in front of me was none other than the--- "Greetings, human." Luna greeted me, entering the room. "It's about time we had a chat, don't you agree?"