Bright and early the next morning, Cheerilee's class arrived at the fairgrounds. Laughter and excitement filled the air as happy foals chattered about the rides and food they were about to experience.
“I want waffle cake.”
“I’m gonna ride the zipline!”
“Deep fried cheese! On a stick!”
“Pretzels! I’m getting a pretzel! The huge, salty kind!”
“Caramel apples!”
Sweetie Belle frowned and glanced over at her friend. “Can't you get those whenever you want?” she asked.
“Yeah; but it ain't the same as at the fair!” Apple Bloom protested. “They’re, like… greasier here.”
“Does that make them better?” Sweetie Belle asked.
Apple Bloom hesitated. “Well, no; but-”
“Then why would you get one?”
“Strawberries! I want strawberries!”
“I want an elephant ear!”
Snails nudged his shorter friend. “Hey, Snips, why do they call it an elephant ear if it doesn't actually come from an elephant?”
Snips froze, and Ruby Pinch accidentally bumped into him. He didn't notice the impact, nor did he feel her judgemental look as she stomped around him. “What if they do come from elephants?” he whispered.
“They don't come from elephanth,” Twist said disparagingly as she walked past. “It'th jutht fried dough with thinnamon thugar.”
Snails sighed, relieved. His elephant ear plan was still a go!
As they approached the entrance gates, Miss Cheerilee's ears pricked up. Giggles. And not the kind that came from somepony telling silly jokes or making funny faces.
Her ears pinned. She'd been a teacher long enough to know that kind of giggle. Either somepony had said 'sex' or ‘penis’ or some other taboo word, or something else 'naughty'. Maybe it had been as innocuous as a misheard phrase, and would sort itself out after a few giggles.
This was not the case. The giggles increased in intensity, and now there was nudging and foals pointing up. Cheerilee followed their hooves… and blanched as she saw the flag flying proudly over the fairgrounds; or, rather, what had replaced the flag. For instead of a patriotic or colorful flag or even a silhouette of a pony laughing, there flew instead atop the flagpole a pair of light purple panties, attached by one corner, blowing gently in the breeze.
Diamond Tiara blanched, too. Those panties looked familiar. Awfully familiar. Terribly, awfully familiar.
Silver Spoon nudged her. “Hey, Diamond, those look exactly like y-”
“I know exactly whose they look exactly like!” Diamond hissed. Then, she paused, and her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Wait a minute. How do you know what my panties looks like?”
“We play dress up, remember?” Silver Spoon said, her voice hesitating just the tiniest bit.
“Not like that, we don't.”
“I- I'm pretty sure we do,” Silver Spoon insisted.
“And I'm pretty sure I'd remember lending you my panties!” Diamond hissed.
“Wait. Tho thothe are your pantieth?” Twist asked.
Diamond Tiara froze. “Uh- No!” She fell back into the time-honored mares’ tradition of feigning offense when the argument was lost. “Ugh! What is wrong with you? Don’t you have a candy cane to suck on or something?”
Twist frowned and looked away. “I can make more than jutht candy caneth,” she protested quietly.
Had it just been earth ponies in Cheerilee’s class, there it might have ended, aside from a few more chuckles. But Ponyville is a town known for being a place where all three kinds of ponies live in harmony, and Cheerilee’s class included earth ponies, unicorns… and pegasi.
Tornado Bolt volunteered herself as delegate. She spread her wings and flew up high, peering intently at the flag. She squinted, cocked her head, then looked down and rendered her verdict. “That's her cutie mark on them, alright!”
As the foals around her giggled and looked at her, Diamond's ears burned bright red; but the worst was still yet to come.
Tornado Bolt made like she was going to get them down, but she suddenly recoiled, putting considerable distance between her and the offending clothing. “Ugh! They've got skid marks!” she announced.
“Ewww!”
Cheerilee grimaced. She knew she had a solemn responsibility to bring her class back under control. Still, as horrible as it was to say, she didn’t feel as bad as she should have felt. As much as she hated seeing one of her students be the center of such negative attention, she really found it hard to feel much sympathy for Diamond Tiara.
Face burning bright red and eyes looking firmly at the ground, Diamond Tiara almost missed Featherweight's little smirk.
Almost.
* * *
Featherweight's wings had been flared with excitement nearly the whole time. This was awesome! He moved his camera out of the way and took alternating bites between the apple bits and the fried cheese on a stick. Why would you need to decide? Why not both? Why not everything?
He glanced down at the wristband gracing his foreleg. It granted him unlimited rides on as many rides as he wanted. They had been a student package deal; or maybe the thought of keeping so many tickets straight around so many foals had just proved too daunting. Either way, he was going to take full advantage of this.
He scampered past where the cutie mark crusaders were attempting to get their cutie marks in throwing rings over the necks of small glass bottles. Their voices cut through the noise of the crowd.
“What would this even look like as a cutie mark, anyway?”
“I dunno. Keep throwing!”
Featherweight finally slowed to a stop when he arrived at the rides section. Now, for an earth pony or a unicorn, most of these rides would be amusing at best. But pegasi have wings, and when their wings are strapped down, it adds an extra sense of thrill and danger.
And thus it was that Featherweight was sitting excitedly inside an enormous teacup, seatbelt buckled securely and wings trapped against the seat back. They had room for at least three, but he'd managed to sneak on alone.
At least, or so he'd thought.
His eyes widened as hooves hit the floor of the carriage. Not so much that he'd been seen; but rather who those hooves belonged to.
“Featherweight,” Diamond Tiara said, her grin looking positively predatory. “My… friend. So good to see you.”
Featherweight gulped as she sat next to him and pulled her buckle tight.
“I couldn't help but notice that your reaction in particular to… my colors being flown this morning was a little bit off.”
Featherweight cracked a smile before realizing that that might have incriminated him.
Luckily, Diamond Tiara didn't seem to notice. “Now, before you ask, it's not Silver Spoon. She confessed to taking a pair, sure; but to wear.” Diamond pursed her lips. “She also said she liked the way they felt when she wore them, which is not less creepy at all and probably means I'll have to burn them all when I get home and go buy some more.”
Featherweight grimaced. He'd never understood the whole panty thing, but he was pretty sure that Silver Spoon had crossed some unspoken filly rule.
Not that he’d ever wear panties. Nope. Not for him. Not at all.
Diamond Tiara continued. “So I found her something else to do for a while, just until I get to the bottom of this. But I'm sure she'll be fine and we'll all get along just perfectly afterwards.”
Silver Spoon wiggled inside the box and then glanced out at the crowd. This wasn't nearly as fun as Diamond Tiara had made it sound. In fact, it was a little disturbing. It was a good thing she wasn't claustrophobic.
“And now, fillies and gentlecolts, watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie, saws this young filly… in half!”
Silver Spoon's eyes bulged out. “What?!” She looked back and sure enough, that hack magician reached inside her suitcase and pulled out a chainsaw and revved it up!
Silver Spoon screamed as loudly as she could and continued screaming until she ran out of breath; whereupon she gasped for air and then screamed again.
When she was out of breath and her screams had died once again, Trixie knocked on the box with a hoof. “Trixie hasn't even started cutting yet,” she deadpanned.
“Oh,” Silver Spoon said, ears flicking down. “Uh… sorry?”
“Behold!” Trixie tried again, raising and revving the chainsaw.
“Aiii!” Silver Spoon shrieked.
“Will you stop that!” Trixie hissed as the audience laughed. This wasn't how this trick was supposed to be performed! This was supposed to be a stunning feat that awed the crowd, not a joke to make them laugh! She tried again, making a valiant effort to hide the scowl from her face. “And now, Trixie will-”
Silver Spoon screamed again.
Trixie buried her face in her hooves. Adjusting her hat firmly over her horn, she leaned in close and pulled a long string of handkerchiefs knotted together out of Silver Spoon's ear. This prompted a giggle from some of the younger foals, and it shocked Silver Spoon into silence.
And if that wasn't enough to keep her quiet, it certainly was when Trixie stuffed the whole ball of them into Silver Spoon's mouth.
Silver struggled with the fabric in her mouth, but she stopped and her pupils shrunk to pinpricks as she heard the chainsaw begin again.
Trixie moved the saw quickly, and suddenly there were two Silver Spoons. Or, at least, two halves of one Silver Spoon. Understandably, she shrieked again, but this time it was (thankfully) muffled by the handkerchief in her mouth.
Trixie scowled at her. “Yes, yes, and now come the jokes about needing less food and fewer socks and the slightly off-color joke about when you're out on dates and-” Trixie's patience suddenly wore out, and she dropped the chainsaw. “You know what? Trixie was lied to. You are a terrible lovely assistant in that you are neither lovely nor a good assistant and Trixie will be in her trailer!” She threw her hat down in disgust, turned away, and stomped off the stage through the curtain.
She was only offstage for a few moments before she burst back on and scooped up her hat and placed it carefully back stop her head. “Also, be sure to come back for Trixie's next show, starting in one hour! Great feats of magic, and logic-defying stunts await!” She bowed as she backed off stage amidst magical fireworks and fanfares of trumpets from nowhere.
All of this was lost on her assistant. Silver Spoon spat out the handkerchief. “Wait!” she called through the fireworks, looking at her lower hooves. “Put me back together! Fix me! You have to- Trixie! Trixie!”
“But if not her, then who could it be?” Diamond Tiara mused. “We have protections against unicorns. Earth ponies couldn't get into my room without being noticed by at least one maid. It would have to be a pegasus.”
Featherweight shrugged. There were many pegasi in Ponyville.
“Don't play innocent with me, Featherweight,” Diamond growled, jabbing him in the chest with a hoof. “You’re small, you’re creepy, you can fly, and you’re silent. You’d be the perfect little sneak thief. I don't even need to prove it was you. Just a few words to my daddy, and you're going to be in a world of hurt!”
Featherweight gulped.
“And would it kill you to say something? Just once? It's so hard to know if your threats have been effective if you can't get your target's reaction.”
Featherweight shrugged.
Diamond Tiara opened her mouth again, probably to say something else demeaning; but then the ride started. Slowly, their teacup began to spin. She grabbed tightly onto the bracing bar, and Featherweight lifted his hooves into the air. He glanced over at Diamond Tiara, who seemed to be turning slightly green, and he offered a reassuring smile and nod.
* * *
Diamond Tiara leaned over the garbage can and heaved once more. Featherweight patted her back comfortingly as he held her mane back, but it didn’t help; the ride had made her sicker than the time Pinkie Pie had tried to poison the whole town.
Diamond Tiara shoved him away and continued her offering to the trash can god. At least she had managed to take her tiara off. She didn’t think this could possibly get any worse.
And then she thought heard the whirring of a camera shutter.