//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: Waking Up // Story: Monocles, Mischief, and Misfortune // by GettingOutOfHoof //------------------------------// We originally wanted to have the two main characters in different colored fonts, but we couldn't find a way to do this on this site. If anyone could us any help with this, we would be very grateful. So with this im putting the names of the characters in all caps before this section. The story won't remain switching back and forth constanty, just for this first chapter.. JARED I just woke up from the weirdest dream. My buddy Shain and I borrowed his sister’s car. We took it on a little joyride. We crashed…I swear it was all Shain’s fault. Oh, by the way, you’re reading a story (No shit) and I’m the main character. Just call me Jared. All that other boring crap about me that you don’t wanna know is gonna be coming up later. Don’t worry your pretty little head about me. Anyway, back to the story. I’m usually a pretty nice guy…. but fuck mornings. I hate them. With a passion. It’s like coming out of a coma for me, I have no idea where the hell I am and my mind is so slow I’m legally retarded when for the first hour or two. This being said, I woke up to the sound of birds singing, fuck those birds. I felt grass on my arms and the back of my neck, fuck that grass. Woah, maybe it’s cause I just woke up but everything looks so………cartoonish? I rolled over wondering how the hell I got in the grass. I saw an orange and blue unicorn with a monocle…..monocle? Did I fuck a pony? I’m in Equestria? Am I a pony? No…. FUCK! I decided to wake up the sleeping unicorn next to me. SHAIN I was in the middle of the strangest dream. My friend Jared and I had blatantly stolen my sister’s car and tested its mettle on the suburban streets of Kentucky. Jared distracted me and a viscous crash ensued. Also, if you haven’t noticed already, you’re reading a story about ponies on the internet and I’m the main character. My friends call me Shain and that’s all you need to know so far. Now back to the present: Mornings are not fun times for me. Waking up for me is less like a refreshing resurgence to consciousness and more like a newborn orc clawing its way out of an egg sac. I flailed and cursed as I was unceremoniously jolted from my dreams into the violence of my current surroundings. There was a dull pounding in my skull and I felt a consistent nudging on my right shoulder. As I opened my eyes, a violent orgy of pastel colors assaulted my retinas, causing the dull pounding to accelerate into a sharp, piercing agony. My only cognizant thought was “FLYING FUCK BALLS OF ZEUS!” JARED The monocled pony shrieked something about Zeus’s balls. I put my hands over my ears and politely asked it to adjust its volume. It rolled over and I used my flawless ninja skills to avoid the sharp horn that was coming for my face. I had the faintest idea to smack the pony, but I thought about that horn and decided against it. The unicorn shook its head and looked at me. I asked it, “Hey uh did we, you know, uhhhhh,” possible bestiality is something really hard to own up to, believe it or not. The unicorn suddenly showed a gleam in its eyes. “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” it asked as it rubbed his hoof suggestively on my arm. HIS HOOF? God, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but please please please let this be a dream, I’m not gonna promise you anything. You know how it worked out last time…..Right! Story! The unicorn gasped as it saw its hoof. Then it started laughing with delight. Great it was crazy to. I’m a gay, insane pony fucker (I’m not insane, the ponies are. Not much better….). It squealed, loud. I reminded it of what I said about volume control. SHAIN I looked up at the cause of this morning’s pain and saw none other than my friend/murderer Jared standing over me with hands pressed against his wounded eardrums. “Shut the fuck up!” he yelled. The effect was somewhat diminished by the voice crack over the u in fuck but worked anyway. I stopped making noise immediately and looked up at him expectantly. He looked confused “Hey uh did we, you know, uhhhhh,” he stammered awkwardly. I soon realized he must not remember what happened last night and, waking up next to me, might have assumed the worst. A golden opportunity for trolling was before me and I wasn’t about to pass it up for something as paltry as ‘self-respect’. “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” I asked in a sultry voice. I reached my hoof out to rub his arm suggestively and WAIT… did I just say hoof? My eyes widened from their half-lidded seductive stare as the revelation dawned on me. I have a hoof. The statement echoed in my mind hypnotically. I HAVE A HOOF I HAVE A HOOF I HAVE A HOOF. Not just any hoof, but a solid orange one. I looked down at the rest of my body. Only it wasn’t my body that I saw. Instead, there was an undoubtedly equine form connected to my head, complete with backwards knees on the hind legs and a colorful blue tail. I stood up (on four hooves) and walked to a nearby stream. A grin broke across my face as my eyes verified what I already knew. I am a pony. My reflection was that an orange unicorn stallion with a cheeky grin sporting a classy blue-tinted monocle. The grin grew into a maniacal smile as the realization dawned on me. I did the only thing that made sense – I started laughing uncontrollably. The louder I laughed, the more uncomfortable he seemed to get until finally… “What the flying fuck is so funny?” he groaned tiredly. I could see what little composure he had melting under my joy. In between gasps and laughing fits I managed to squeak out one sentence:“*giggle* I’m a pony HAHAHAHA *gasp*HAHAHAHA” JARED “What the flying fuck is so funny?” I ask, trying not to release my aggression and the cackling unicorn in front of me. It giggled and gasped for quite a while…..RAGE METER: Fists clenched. Finally it said “I’m a pony.” “I….I can see that, man.” I sighed. Ah shit here come the dudes and mans. Can’t go long without using either. It’s a hard habit to break. Not that I really want to. He just kept giggling. I fucking hate giggling. It’s just too damn bubbly. If I ever giggle, I want to be shot instantly. Right between the eyes. NO QUESTIONS. This little giggling motherfucker was ruining the fact that I may or may not be in Equestria. I will hate him forever for this. Usually I’m more mellow and calm, but man….this is too much. I’m in a cartoony world, field-type thing, most likely Equestria. That alone tore down half my wall of composure. Then the fact that there was a lunatic pony taunting me… AND I’M NOT A PONY. That last one really hurt. I wanted it so bad….I needed some happiness like that dude. And then this next thing happened: RAGE METER: Head Pounding, Fists shaking. I rarely act on impulse, but this monocled fuck pushed me way too early in the morning. A deadly mistake. I snatched the monocle from his gleeful face and threw the piece of glass into the nearby forest. I heard the most beautiful crunch I had ever heard in my entire life that sent joy into every cell of my body. I was happy. My brief moment of ecstacy was interrupted by hoofs hitting my stomach and chest. Thank God this pony was too short to reach my face. The bright orange unicorn was screaming and shouting obscenities that I will never ever repeat. The world can’t be exposed to such vile words of pure fury and hate. HOLY FUCK HOOVES HURT! JESUS H. CHRIST!!!!!!! SHAIN I was lost in pony euphoria. A feeling of total ecstasy was riding my psyche like a sexy angel with a coke problem. I was vaguely aware that I was trotting and jumping (teehee trotting) in circles around my companion. His fists were clenched and his entire body was taut like a bow string, but any curiosity as to why was quickly trampled under the wave of mental stimulation that was my ponydom. Suddenly, my monocle was ripped from my face. I stopped my celebration and looked over just in time to see the bastard hurl it into the woods with a righteous fury. For a split second it hung suspended in the air, drifting and glinting lazily in the sun’s rays. It was beautiful in a twisted sort of way. All was still…. and then I heard the glass shatter. After that, something vital in my psyche got fucked sideways and all self-control I had had previously was blown old-faithful style out my ass. He didn’t even see me coming. I turned and put all my weight onto my front hooves. At the same time I raised my back legs in a textbook example of an ancient pony martial arts form; the BUCK. My back hooves flew straight and true into the taller creature’s stomach and chest. I like to imagine I felt something vital collapse inside him. I know I heard something snap, but maybe that was just my sanity. Now I wasn’t sure of much in this new world. Trans-dimensional travel tends to shake your foundations a little, you see. Despite this there was still one thing I knew in my heart: aint nobody fuck with my monocle. AINT NOBODY. JARED MY FUCKING RIB!!!!!! THE FOUR LEGGED FUCK BROKE MY RIBBED!!!! I gasped for air. I remembered that this was a pony and I had to be gentle. The unicorn giggled. RAGE METER: …….run. I slowly picked it up by the mane and began to shake it. Hard. I laughed as it yelped; it knew what pain was.. The moment was short lived. It proceeded to KICK ME IN MY BALLS REPEATEDLY, ENSURING STERILITY. My vision went black. I opened my eyes to see my hands around the orange (slowly turning blue) pony gasping and struggling for air. I considered relenting, but I felt a sick feeling in my stomach reminding me of the probable permanent damage to my genitals. This was going to be great. I was about to finish him when I heard the smallest voice. “Hi…um... excuse me….. but…. uh….I think that…. you’re hurting him… and I was wondering if you could….” “STOP!” not as small... I turn just in time to see the rainbow hit me. I look up and see a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail. The pain was too great at this point…. Getting sleepy….. this grass is nice…….. Nighty night. SHAIN A small giggle escaped from my mouth as I stepped back from my victim. Before I could react or even realize the gravity of the mistake I’d made. I felt myself rudely yanked into the air by my mane and shaken like a hamster in a washing machine. I knew what pain was. My feeble attempts at releasing from his grip got no results. I missed my thumbs already. Then I remembered the monocle. The best part about my new body so far had just been shattered in the woods like it was nothing. I was in mourning. It felt like I had lost a dear friend and I was pissed. The power of my rage was legendary. I felt the unlocked potential of God and hell at my hooftips, my vision narrowed as I felt it take control. The fury threatened to eclipse my willpower and come bubbling out like the lifeblood of an exploded oil rig seeping into the ocean. This may sound arrogant, but I made that anger my bitch. Instead of losing control and striking blindly, I maintained focus and directed every ounce of righteous fury I had into my forelegs that, in turn, directed that energy at his weak human testicles. Again. And again. And again. He cried out in agony, it was sweet music to me. Then Jared lunged at me and wrapped his hands around my equine throat. I let him do this as a ploy for him to let down his guard. Just when I was about to finish him I heard the most delicate voice: “Hi…um... excuse me….. but…. uh….I think that…. you’re hurting him… and I was wondering if you could….” Then one not so delicate: “STOP!” I see a rainbow blur streak in from the corner of my eye. It collided with Jared and I was very rudely tossed into the air by the splash damage of the colorful mortar shell. From my new home on the ground, I witnessed the form of my human enemy LAID THE FUCK OUT by a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail. “Lucky bastard… *ahack*” That’s all I manage to say before I black out.