//------------------------------// // gaben@valvesoftware.com // Story: Gabe Newell Challenges Celestia To A Competitive Gaming Match // by That_Gamer_Scout //------------------------------// Gabe Newell Challenges Celestia To A Competitive Gaming Match Unfortunately written by: That_Gamer_Scout Gabe Newell was sitting on his throne made of money and graphics cards in his office at Valve Software, he was bored. Sure he had it all: he was the god of PC gaming, he was loved by gamers everywhere, he was even about to start the annual summer sale in about a week or two. But something was missing… Gabe reached over to pick up his iPad, he was going to look up some Youtube videos or maybe read the hundreds upon hundreds of emails of people asking where Half-Life 3 was. As he hit the on button he noticed something: his iPad wallpaper was of the show ‘My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic’, Gabe was a brony, a tear came to Gabe’s eye. He loved the show as it reminded him of how beautiful PC gaming is, just then an idea came to our lord and savior of PC gaming. Maybe, just maybe, if I challenge a pony to a round of Counter Strike: Global Offensive, Team Fortress 2, and Dota 2. Bronies around the world will become PC gamers just in time for the sale! Gabe nodded to himself and smiled, it was a perfect plan! But… Who would he challenge? It had to be a princess after all, someone of high status to capture the attention of bronies worldwide. Either that or challenge the fan favorite Fluttershy, but that was out of the question. Gabe didn’t want to accidentally scare the shit out of her with the loud sounds and flashing visuals of a shooter like CS:GO or TF2, after all, Gabe was a kind and loving god of gaming who only liked scaring the shit out of peoples bank accounts from starting up an annual sale. Hmm… Gabe pondered to himself atop his glorious throne while staring at his iPad wallpaper. I know what! I’ll challenge Celestia and Twilight, they’re both princesses! This’ll work perfectly! Gabe stopped to think this through, yes, this would work. But bronies everywhere would be pissed Luna wasn’t involved. But Gabe carefully thought this through, Luna would most likely be asleep. It was daytime after all and he didn’t want to be rude and keep her awake all day for a video game tournament, he’ll just meet up with her for the afterparty. There was one problem though, who was going to come with him? He needed someone to back him up, Gabe quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out a Nokia phone. (because it was the only phone that wouldn’t immediately explode by the presence of Gabe and the sheer awesomeness he exhumed, well, until the ‘Valve Phone’ would finally come out of it’s development cycle but that could take years. It was scheduled under ‘Valve Time’ so to Gabe and the rest of the gaming community it meant that it could literally take forever for it to see the light of day) Gabe quickly dialed the phone pressing the buttons with his large beautiful sausage fingers, he pressed call as the name ‘Mike Harrington’ flashed onto the phone screen, he then held the phone up to his ear. “Mike!” weezed Gabe. “Mike, I need you back” “Ugh!” grunted Mike on the other end. “Gabe, I told you I’m not coming back to Valve. Quit calling me, that’s the third time this week” “No, Mike, this is something different, just hear me out” “Ugh… Alright Gabe what is it?” “Mike, I’m going to go to the magical land of Equestria to challenge two alicorns to a competitive gaming match so bronies worldwide will become PC gamers. You up for it?” “...” “Mike?” “...Sure, why not” “Great! I’ll see you there!” Gabe jumped down from his throne and quickly ran over to a cabinet full of desktop PCs, Gabe quickly grabbed a pile of PCs and ran over to his desk and pushed a button on his desk phone labeled ‘Secretary’. The phone rang of a second or two before it was picked up as a woman's voice came through the speaker. “Mr. Newell” “Hey Karen, clear my schedule. I’m going to go play video games with some ponies” “You don’t have a schedule Mr. Newell” “Excelent! That’ll be all Karen” “Mr. Newell, are you going to have me do some actual work or do you honestly just want me to sit here and get payed to play video games all da…” Gabe quickly hangs up the phone as stuffs the PCs into a large travel pack and walks out of his office. On his way out he spots an employee walking by. “Oh, hey Johnson” says Gabe as he waves at the employee “Hey Mr. Newell!” “Can you do me a favor really quick?” “Sure thing Mr. Newell, what do you need?” “I need you to sacrifice a wallet to give me the strength I need to travel across dimensions, here, use this one” Gabe then pulls a wallet from his back pocket and hands it to Johnson. “Again? Alright then, sure thing Mr. Newell” To most people, this would be unusual. But to the employees of Valve Software it wasn’t unusual for Gabe to request a wallet sacrifice, it gave him strength during the times in between sales when he wasn’t as flooded with money as he usually is. After all, a wallet sacrifice isn’t nearly as bad as EA’s CEO who gains strength by making good games terrible or Ubisoft’s CEO who releases a bunch of sequels and shuts down the Uplay servers just to screw with people. Johnson held the wallet up into the air as he then pulled a few dollars from it and carefully arranged the dollars on the floor into the shape of a 3, he then pulled out a pocket knife and stabbed the wallet repeatedly and dumped the newly shredded dollars onto the 3 on the floor. “Nice, very nice” Gabe says as he gives Johnson a thumbs up “here, take this. You earned it” Gabe reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $20 Steam wallet code. “Thanks Gabe!” “Run along you little scamp” Gabe ruffles his hair in a loving, totally not gay, way as Johnson quickly runs back to his desk with wallet code in hand. “Now then, it’s time” Gabe raises his arms in the air as a vortex with a spinning Steam logo appears around him, and in the blink of an eye Gabe was gone. --- It was a normal day in Equestria, things were quiet, not even a friendship problem. Celestia was sitting on her throne a little bored. Sometimes when Celestia gets bored she likes to sit on her throne and just look across the throne room and think: yeah, I’m the princess of this castle, I’m the #1 around here, you’d all be so screwed without me. Just then a vortex appeared in the throne room as Gabe stepped out of it, normally anypony would be surprised or shocked by the sudden and seemingly random appearance of a strange portal with a strange creature stepping out of it. But Celestia was so used to shit going from 0 to 100 on the ‘what the fuck?’ meter that she really didn’t give a shit at this point. “So… Who are you then?” Celestia asked the strange, large sized man Gabe takes off his travelpack and responds “I’m Gabe Newell of Valve Software” “Gabe… Is… Is it really you?” Suddenly, a surge of memories flooded through Celestias mind, it was years and years ago when she was just a filly. But she distinctly remembers a younger man who was traveling across dimensions to research stuff for an upcoming game he was going to call ‘Half-Life’, though he didn’t stay in Equestria long he did leave behind video game technology, he was a legend to gamers all across Equestria, he even had an old pony tale written about him titled ‘Gaben of Valve’. Celestia was taken back by his sudden arrival, why was he back? “Mr. Newell…” “Please, call me Gabe” he says with a voice that would melt the hearts of a million steam users. “As you wish, Gabe” says Celestia with a voice that would melt the hearts of a billion bronies. “So, why’d you return?” Gabe reached into his travel pack as he withdrew a desktop PC. “Because Celestia, I challenge you and princess Twilight to a competitive gaming match” Celestia let out a big grin, it wasn’t often that something exciting and fun happened at the castle, usually she had to ruin the Grand Galloping Gala for that. She was so overcome by excitement that she couldn’t hold it in any longer, she quickly jumped down from her throne. “You’re on!” Celestia quickly stopped and composed herself, she has to stay regal, she is a princess after all. Though she was happy that she could get this excited about something other than cake. “But, all in good fun” Gabe smiled back, but in a friendly way, not like in a weird way. “Of course, but the winner of the match gets a exclusive TF2 item” Celestia didn’t even know what a ‘TF2 exclusive item’ was, but for some reason something deep down inside of her screamed ‘you want this item!’. “Hmm” said Celestia as she rubbed her hoof under her chin. “Alright then Gabe, I’ll write to Twilight right now” Celestia quickly levitated a pen, inkwell, and scroll over to her and begun writing to Twilight. Celestia always enjoyed Twilight's company and she hoped that this event would get her out of the house more as Celestia was sure that Twilight was literally a book addict. Celestia rolled up the newly written letter and sent it off with a teleportation spell, she looked over at Gabe who had set up a large table with monitors, headsets, keyboards, mouses, and desktop PCs in a full Major League Gaming like setup. Gabe quickly pulled out his phone and quickly dialed Mike’s number. “Mike!” coughed Gabe “Mike, where are you?” “I’m almost there Gabe, just give me a minute” After a few minutes the doors opened in the throne room as Mike quickly walked in. “What took you so long Mike?” “I had to take the bus, my car wouldn’t start” Celestia looked at the man named Mike, he looked about the same age as Gabe though he was half his size… Not in height, but in weight. “Who’s this?” “This is, uh, Mike Harrington. Former co-founder of Valve” Mike gave a little wave to Celestia. “Hi, how you doin’?” Just then the doors flew open again as Twilight quickly ran in. “Princess!” she yelled as she ran in. “Are you in trouble!?” Celestia rolled her eyes, it seemed like every time Celestia invited Twilight to the castle the purple alicorn was always either freaking the fuck out or thinking something was wrong. “No Twilight, I invited you here because Gabe Newell has challenged us to a video game match” “Gabe Newell!?” Twilight said with excited curiosity. “You mean THE Gabe Newell of legends old?” Twilight knew the legend ‘Gaben of Valve’ like the back of her hoof just like many, many, many other books. Like the book horse she was. Celestia looked at Twilight thinking I should totally troll her right now, I should say something like ‘yeah he’s back and he’s come to take all your books’ or something like that. But Celestia decided it would just be a better idea to get this tournament setup as soon as possible. “Yes Twilight, he’s that Gabe Newell” “Wow!” Twilight quickly turned towards Gabe “I’ve never played video games, but I’ve read books about them” Mike quickly turns towards Gabe. “Gabe, you sure about this?” Gabe turned towards Mike and looked into his eyes passionately. “Mike, we’ve come all this way, we can’t turn back now. I’ve already challenged them, we can’t back down now” Gabe turned towards Twilight smiling a warm smile that would only come from a man as majestic and beautiful as Gabe Newell. “Well then Twilight, it looks like we’ll have to get you a Steam account” “Not to interrupt” interrupts Celestia “but what are we going to play first?” Gabe turns towards Celestia and looked into her eyes (though less passionately than when he was looking into Mike’s eyes) and says with a stern but kind voice “Counter Strike: Global Offensive”