//------------------------------//
// #4 Anywhere but here 
// Story: The Non-Relic 
// by Zackrobbman 
//------------------------------//

Steam Cloud had his fair share of bad days throughout his life. He was up in his eighty's, and felt he deserved a break. No, not a vacation. He loved his job. Trains were his lot in life. Like that kid in that 'I Like Trains' animation, just far less homicidal. He enjoyed riding them, knew everything about them, and kept busy maintaining them even on his off hours. 

Of course, there were times that made him wish he wasn't a train conductor, like the time Tree Hugger had ridden on his train. He'd scrubbed the whole carriage down with a brush and a fresh smelling detergent, but he still couldn't get the salt smell out of the walls.

Or like the time when Pinkie Pie threw him his eighty-first birthday party while he was working. The train had nearly derailed off a cliff and he'd had a heart attack in the process. Despite his vehement pleas, she'd only been banned from trains for a year and a half. He still wanted to sue her because of the nightmares he'd been having about that day ever since.

Or like now.

He stood in the door way of the last carriage with a look of horror motionlessly plastered on his face. He looked like a woman who had just walked into a room of scurrying rats. Or me the day I arrived home to find out that I'd been robbed of my whole TV set along with all the expensive gaming accessories on it.

The cushions had all been ripped from the seats. They were now lying on the center of the floor with two ponies sleeping on them. 

They had actually ripped the cushions from the seats. The expensive cushions. The expensive cushions that he'd bought himself.

His face began to flush red as his horror changed to seething anger. His doctor had practically ordered him to keep his anger in check because of his heart's condition, but for all he cared, his doctor could go screw himself backwards.

He reared up on his hind legs and slammed his hooves onto the floor of the carriage with all his might.

Daring's eyes flew open. Her forehoof flew out from under her, finding Backbones snout. 

"OW!" shouted Backbone angrily as the blow woke him up and sent his head to the side ninety degrees. He slowly opened his eyes irritably as he  instinctively looked over to see Daring. 

"Sorry about that." she said apologetically as Backbone glared at her. 
Without looking, Steam Cloud bumped a hidden compartment by the door with his elbow. It opened up downwards to reveal a shotgun. He grabbed it and stood on his hind hooves to aim it at them. Guns were mainly used by griffons, but due to high demand in the black market, some of their weapons had been modified for use by ponies.

It was also illegal to have one in Canterlot or Ponyville, but Steam Cloud didn't have no time for dat'. 

"GIT' THE HELL OF' MY TRAIN!" said Steam Cloud in an Irish accented tone. Backbone and Daring quickly got to their hooves and backed up, now very much wide awake.
"Ok man, just be cool-" started Backbone as he raised a hoof.

"I'M GONNA COUNT TA' FOUR!" said Steam Cloud before pumping the shotgun, eager to use it for the first time. Wasting literally no time, Daring jumped out of one of the trains open windows, leaving Backbone by himself.

"ONE!" shouted the pissed off train conductor through gritted teeth.

"Look, Celestia is going to pay for-"

"THREEEEEEE!" shouted Steam cloud, his anger now making his voice shaky. Backboned turned tail and ran through the left-open door at the back of the carriage. For a big pony, he sure could run.








"So you talked with Mayor Mare right?" said Daring after biting into an apple. 

"Yep. It's all been approved through mail correspondence." replied Backbone with a mouthful of hay-sandwich. They were sitting at a table in one of the only restaurants in Ponyville, The Hayarchy. 

Don't laugh at my names.

"Why are you wearing that weird disguise?" asked backbone as he suppressed a laugh. She was wearing a long, brown, cloak with shades darker than a celebrity's heart. No parts of her were visible other than her muzzle and hooves.

"...Over-enthusiastic fans." replied Daring as she looked around. They couldn't get a table inside because the restaurant was full, so they had to sit outside. Right by the town's main road.

"Hm. I guess that makes sense. But you look mysterious."

"That's the point Backbone."

"No, no, I mean you look MYSTERIOUS. Too mysterious. Ponies are going to stare."

"Let them." said Daring. "Better to be mysterious than me."

"Doesn't Princess Twilight know you're here?"

"She was probably at the train station." said Daring with a smirk. "Guess she missed us."

Backbone chuckled, but a worried feeling settled in his gut. From the few brief times he visited Ponyville, he knew Twilight Sparkle did NOT approve of inconveniences. She was scary before she was an Alicorn. He suddenly found himself looking from side to side.

"What about Thistle?" asked Daring. "What's she going to do?"

"She's staying in Canterlot. Although she doesn't mind you and I being together, she doesn't want to be anywhere near you." Daring nodded her head in an I-guess-that-makes-sense fashion. Thistle was one of those ponies that simply enjoyed everyday  life...somehow. 

The two isolationist love-birds got quiet when the nearby tables became occupied. Daring kept quiet because she didn't want to screw up and let something slip about her recent endeavors. Backbone was quiet for similar reasons, but he also just didn't want to be noticed. Why? Battle-scars. He was covered in them. And everypony knows that mares dig battle-scars. Especially the ones that don't know how to take no for an ans- 

"Hey, sugarcube!"

"DAGH!"

Backbone jumped in his seat with the sudden greeting, the words laced with the same southern drawl he'd had nightmares about.

"A-Applejack!" greeted Backbone shakily, trying to conceal his fear. "H-How's it going?"

The orange farm pony looked up to the sky thoughtfully with a faint smirk. 

"Ah'd have ta' say fine." Then she looked deep into Backbones eyes with a hungry stare. "Could be better though."

Backbone stared back at her, still as a statue. He was smiling, but one could easily tell by his eyes that he was primed and ready to dash a country mile. Wait...no. She'd like that.  

Daring looked back and forth from Backbone to the familiar orange mare, waiting for one of  them to speak. But they didn't. On top of that, ponies seated around them were now staring at the scene with interest. Some of the mares were squinting at Backbone as if they'd seen him before. Some stallions were glaring at him with jealously far too potent to be concealed.

Daring could tell by how he flicked his eyes to her every now and then that he was waiting for her to do something. She cleared her throat loudly, causing Applejack to turn to her slowly with her ears perked up. 

"Oh, howdy!" said Applejack with a tip of her hat. "Twilight says ta' meet'er at the castle soon as ya' can."

"Wha-"

"So!" said the farm pony, diverting her gaze back to Backbone. "What's with those new bandages?" she took a slow step towards the now shivering mechanic. "Mind if ah' take a look underneath?" 

"Wellwouldyalookatthetime!" said Backbone as he turned to look at some non-existent clock somewhere in the restaurant. He rose from his seat and vehemently motioned for Daring to copy. "Wedbettergetgoingseeya!" 

With that, Backbone was dragging Daring towards the entrance of the restaurant, forgetting about their un-eaten food and their bill. When Daring looked back, she could see Applejack still staring at them as they left. Then she licked her lips, and Daring cringed. 












"What was that all about?" said Daring as she caught her breath. She and Backbone were now a good distance away from the restaurant, bordering the edge of town. Despite this, Backbone kept looking around frantically, almost not hearing Daring's question.

"Mind if I we not talk about that right now?" he said quickly. Daring raised an eyebrow before shrugging and taking a look at her surroundings. Due to the lack of businesses, there were very few ponies milling about. She and Backbone were standing next to a building that looked like a big, fancy, carousel that somehow doubled as a house. A sign in the window read "open".

"What are we doing here?" asked Daring.

"I want a disguise." answered Backbone as he began trotting towards the big carousel house. He knocked on the door a few times and waited frantically, looking behind him occasionally. Daring merely cocked her head. If this strange building was a shop, then where was the sign? The open sign in the window could mean anything. It seemed shady. Given her line of work, detecting shadiness was something she was very good at.

"Just a moment!" yelled a mare's voice from behind the door. Daring could tell just from hearing the mare that she was from Canterlot or had at least spent a great deal of time there. It was refined and high pitched, yet also loose at the same time. Oh! I know! She sounds like a flapper from the nineteen twenties! Booyah!

A white, pristine, unicorn, mare with a stylish, curled, purple mane opened the door with a smile. Upon seeing Backbone, her smile faltered and disappeared altogether. The mare began craning her neck to look behind Backbone on both sides of him.

Her eyes fell on Daring for a moment, but flitted past her without a moments notice.

"Where is she?" asked the unicorn mare, whom Daring was beginning to recognize.

"Canterlot." said Backbone with a dismissive wave of his hoof. The mare seemed agitated by this and furrowed her brow.

"Good!" said the mare as she quickly turned around and began trotting back into the building. Without an invitation, Backbone followed her into the building. Daring followed after him, wondering if he'd had a history with the elegant mare. She smirked, but she couldn't help but feel a little put off by the thought. 

"Sweetie Belle!" shouted the white mare. A cacophony of noises in a room above her made her eyes veer up to the ceiling. Then she heard a crash. And then another crash followed by the sounds of a shattering window and a screaming monkey. Hearing a thump behind her, the trio turned around and looked out the open door to see what was in fact a monkey running off into the distance....wearing a tutu and make-up.

After she watched the monkey climb up a building and disappear, she turned back around to see the white mare in complete shock.

Or anger. No, definitely anger. Flapper on fire.

"RRRRRGL!" she growled as her face glowed a heated red. She stormed off towards a set of stairs at the opposite end of the room and proceeded to climb them like a lumbering giant. 

"What's happening?" asked Daring. 

"Crusaders." answered Backbone with a shrug.

As Daring tried to think of reasons crusaders would be in an elegant unicorn's home, she heard arguing and bickering coming from upstairs. It sounded serious, and she could make out three other seemingly younger voices aside from the white mare. They were easily drowned out by the white mares yelling.

Soon, the white mare (ok, that's getting annoying) returned from upstairs with three small fillies. They were also dressed in tutu's and make up. They would have looked adorable, had the make-up not been done so horrifically wrong. Seriously. Lipstick was smeared all over their faces like a baby doll that's been drawn on by a toddler. Their eyes were puffy, teary, and red from false eyelashes they'd seemingly jammed into their eye sockets. One of them even had what appeared to be feces in her hair.

All three of them looked dejected and sad as they walked passed Daring and towards the door. Then they stopped and turned around. 

"I know we messed up sis, but-"

"Messed up?" said the white mare. "You tried to to teach a monkey how to dance and do make up! IN MY HOUSE!"

"But we can't go all the way to Applebloom's farm like this!" said an apparently cream colored filly with a curly purple and pink mane. "Diamond Tiara will never let us live it down!"

"You should have though of that before doing what you did. I can't have you bathing in my bathtub covered in all of that ilk!"

"But-"

"Out!" said the white mare with an outstretched hoof and a stern look. The fillies sighed and began their trot out of the door with their ears splayed back and their heads low. As soon as they'd left, Rarity shut the door and let out a frustrated huff. 

"Sorry about that." she said as she rubbed her left temple. "My younger sister and her friends tend to come up with these ridiculous ideas to get their cutie marks." 

"I remember." said Backbone. He could still hear them chanting that horrible dirge. 

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Surgeons!"

He visibly shivered. 

Rarity, remembering the incident, gave an apologetic smile. There were reasons Backbone hadn't returned to Ponyville, Applejack and the Cutie Mark Murderers being just two of them. 

"Right, right." said the finicky unicorn. "Well, what can I do for you?"

"I need a disguise."

The unicorn smirked...ya know what? You all know who I'm talking about. 

RARITY smirked and raised an eyebrow at Backbone.

"Mare trouble?" she asked slyly, causing the mechanic to glare at her slightly. "A disguise won't help you there deary." She glanced behind him and stared at Daring. "Isn't that right Ms. Do?"

Daring stared at her blankly, her mouth agape. She'd bought the disguise for a small price, being the cheap adventurer she was, but she didn't think it was that cheap. What? You don't think she's cheap? Let me ask you this. Would you rob temples filled with deadly traps and monsters armed with nothing but a whip? No? I thought so.

"Twilight insists you visit her as soon as you can Ms. Do."

"How do you all keep seeing through my disguise?" asked Daring, angry now.

"I make disguises darling. I can practically see through them. As for Applejack, she IS the element of honesty. She can detect lies both tangible and intangible."

"How do you know we ran into Applejack?" asked Backbone. Rarity opened her mouth to respond when Daring cut her off.

"That pink mare has be tailing me since we got off the train." she said as she cocked her head towards a window on the left side of the room. When they looked, they saw a large bush outside the window...with a pair of binoculars extending out of it. Upon being noticed, the binoculars sunk back into the bush. 

"I remember seeing her the last time we ran into each other. I'm guessing you' keep each other informed, as good friends should." Daring sighed. "You're all going to be watching me aren't you?"

Rarity looked around the room nervously and scraped the floor with her hoof.

"Twilight could better explain it to you."




Most of the ponies in ponyville didn't like the castle of friendship. No, not because of what it stood for. Ponies didn't like it because of what it was. A big shiny castle. Sure it looked nice and all, but one must remember that Ponyville is relatively small town. Plopping a big shiny castle in it was just....weird. It just stood out too much. Now, whenever somepony would ask about what ponyville was, the castle would unfailingly become part of if not the majority of the answer. Poyville was now classified as the stool the castle of friendship stood proudly on top of.

It was also very bright, seeing as it was seemingly made out of the same mineral that formed the castle of love in the crystal empire. Well, actually no. It was even brighter. The glare off the thing forced ponies to cover their eyes with a hoof as they walked passed. 

This included Daring and Backbone as they approached it.

"This is new." said Backbone as he nearly tripped over a bump in the road Mayor Mare didn't care enough to fix yet.

"Yes. The famous Castle of Friendship." said Daring.

"Castle of Friendship?" said Backbone questioningly. "That's in Ponyville?"

"I don't recall there being rocks to live under in the sky."

"I don't recall there being a personalized mail delivery service for large, flying, house-ships that are constantly on the move."

"You never thought to land and pick up a newspaper from time to time?"

"No."

"So you're a sky hermit."

"The sky doesn't have land for the princesses to tax." said backbone as they began ascending the stairs to the o-so-great Castle of friendship.

"What about Cloudsdale?"

"A sign of greed."

They approached the large  double doors to the castle. Now that the sun was blocked, Daring could see enough to knock on the door with her hoof. Before long, she could hear what sounded like tiny footsteps approaching the door from the other side. Daring expected to hear the sliding of locks and chains, but there were none. She guessed robbing the castle of the alicorn that could match Tirek's power was a thought non-existent in the minds of ponies. 

The door opened to reveal a small, purple, green-frilled dragon who was probably often mistaken for a lizard. Or a plushy. 

It stared at Daring and Backbone for a moment before narrowing it's slitted green eyes. 

"You're late!" he said in a tone that could only be considered mature for a ten-year-old. "Twilights been going crazy ever since you ran away from her at the train station!"

Daring stared at the little dragon. She considered telling him about the train conductor, but a part of her didn't want him to get into trouble for owning a gun. Strange how mercy works isn't it?

"Sorry about that." she said, removing her shades. "Had to use the bathroom."

The dragon whom we all know is Spike stared at her a little longer as if she were hiding something. Darings bored look did not falter.

"Who's he?" asked Spike, pointing a claw at a bewildered Backbone. Every dragon that he'd met had tried to kill him, regardless of size. He'd never met one as docile, intelligent, or as adorable as the one that stood before him.

"Aw, look at him point his wittle' finger." said Back bone as he taped Spikes hand with his hoof.

"Quit!" Spike said embarrassed, slapping his hoof away. "Who ARE you?"

Daring and Backbone looked at each other quickly before turning back to the baby dragon.

"He's a friend." 

"I'm a friend." they both said in unison. They didn't know why they didn't just come out with the truth. Perhaps it was because Daring would be embarrassed to do so, and perhaps Backbone knew that. 

Spike nodded.

"Ok." the dragon said. "He has to stay outside though." 

"I can't take my FRIEND into the castle of FRIENDSHIP?" asked Daring with a raised eyebrow. 

"Hey, I don't make the rules. I just enforce them." said spike, waving his hands dismissively. 

"Aw, he's a wittle' baby bouncer!" said Backbone, causing Spike to growl and blow soot out of his nostrils.

"Why are you acting like this is the first time you've met him?" asked Daring. "I thought you visited Twilight in the past?"

"I did." said Backbone. "But he was always upstairs asleep, probably curled up into an adorable wittle bal-"

Before Spike could hear the last word of his sentence, he yanked Daring into the door by her hoof and slammed it.
















"You had to use the bathroom?" asked Twilight skeptically as she stared at the now undisguised former-adventurer in front of her.

"Yes." affirmed Daring.

"There are at least thirty seven different outhouses from here to the train-station, and Pinkie says you didn't use any of them."

Daring cursed under her breath. She was about to make up another lie when Twilight raised a hoof.

"Never mind." she said with a sigh. "I'm just glad you're here and not halfway to Trottingham in an attempt to escape the law."

"Oh. That's go-"

"Although," said Twilight, cutting her off. "You can see that the stunt you pulled didn't help my mood."

Daring nodded with a grimace. Twilight looked like a mess. Her hair was unkempt, her fur and wings were ruffled, and Daring could see her twitch ever so often. Fortunately, that was it. The room they were sitting in seemed intact, showing no signs of an alicorn's wrath. 

It was a pretty big room, as to be expected from a castle, but it was nearly empty. The only items in the room were the cushions and coffee table Daring and Twilight were sitting at. If your home were suddenly blown to pieces and you were given a castle, you'd probably have issues with furnishing too. 

"Just imagine," began the alicorn. After taking a sip of her tea. "Celestia gives me the task of receiving you at the train station. Then you run away. I then have to tell her that I've lost you and that there's a dangerous criminal lose in Equestria."

"Criminal?" said Daring before sipping her tea. Twilight's ears splayed backwards.

"Sorry."

"I dislike euphemisms Ms. Sparkle, so it's perfectly fine."

"Right." said Twilight before composing herself. "I'm assuming you want to know what the terms of your stay are?"

Daring simply nodded.

"Well, for starters, you can't leave Ponyville for any reason without my say-so."
"That's a given."

"Mhm. As for where you're staying, I've arranged for you to stay in the castle. This way, I can keep an eye on you."

"Ok."

"And other than staying in Ponyville, there is to be no activity regarding your occupation whatsoever. Celestia wants to make sure you know that."

"What if my work finds me?" asked Daring as she looked out one of the many large windows in the room. She could see a blimp with a pink pony watching her through binoculars.

"Then we'll handle it. You can't get involved in any way."

There was a long pause as Daring proceeded to stare at Twilight blankly. She's said she'd handle it. Did she  understand what that would mean? Daring needed to be sure.

"Have you ever...killed somepony Twilight?" 

The alicorn nearly spat out her tea but managed to stop herself. She gave Daring a horrified look.

"What? No!" she said quickly. "Why would you ask me that?"

Daring let out an exasperated sigh and rested her forehead on her hooves. Memories of dead assailants filled her mind. Each and every one felt like a rock in her gut that made her feel lethargic and sick, but it wasn't because she felt guilty.

Swallowing hard, she waved a hoof dismissively before raising her head.

"No reason. Just...try to make sure my work doesn't find me."

"...O...Ok." said Twilight before clearing her throat. "As for the creature, Celestia wants you to be with him as much as possible, so he will also be living here."

Daring instinctively didn't like the idea of the boy staying with her, but she waved it off. It baffled her why Celetia would send such a dangerous creature to Ponyville with her, but she trusted the princess. Still, she felt it was significant.

If someone had to stash a dormant atomic bomb that could wipe out the planet somewhere on the earth, would it matter where you stash it? You could hide it in the most remote part of the world or right, dab, in the middle of civilization, but if the bomb were to go off, the effect would be the same. The world would be obliterated. There would be no hope no matter where it was on the planet.

Perhaps it was the same with the creature?

"Of course," began Twilight. "My friends and I will do everything we can to help you with the creature and make your stay as comfortable a possible."

Daring held back a chuckle. She'd be about as comfortable as an elephant in a closet. But worse. She'd be an elephant in a closet with an over-obsessive fan and her stalker friends. 

Twilight giggled as she clapped her hooves.

"Oh, this is going to be just like that time in The Legend of the Crystal Horseshoe where you were captured by diamond dogs and held in a prison for three months!"

Daring narrowed her eyes and gritted her teeth. Two fans. She'd be locked in a closet with two over-obsessive fans and their stalker friends. 

Just as she was beginning to contemplate how things could be any worse, she felt a  chill run over her head. 

...And her pith helm was still missing.

She slammed her head against the table repeatedly