//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: Let The Parodies Begin! // Story: Po-Ni-Oh! The Abridged Series // by Shadowmane PX-41 //------------------------------// "Hello, guys!" A bouncy girl with pink skin and purple and pink hair watched Rainbow Dash and the other pink girl playing a card game at the table. "My name's Cadence, and I just transferred he—" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great and all, Cadence, but could you keep it down? Rainbow Dash and this other pink girl are deep in focus, and the slightest distraction could throw them off of their game..." Twilight said, immediately silencing Cadence. "Why don't you just fold, Pinkie Pie? There's no way you can beat me at this card game..." Rainbow Dash smirked as she looked down at her hand. She had a powerful card combination that would prove decisive if played correctly. "I've got my aces in this hand alone, and I'm about to royal flush you down the drain..." "Well, Rainbow Dash, there are two things I've learned about you today," Pinkie Pie said back. "One, you're mistaking this card game for poker, and two, I'm pink and this school loves me for it." "So, what's this game about then, Twilight?" Cadence whispered to Twilight so as not to disturb the focusing girls. "Oh it's nothing much really. Just this bizarre new trend that just passed over from Japan. Or maybe it was Korea? I don't know," Twilight began to explain. "It's a card game known as Duel Ponies, invented by a Mr. Steven Magnet. Every student in this school plays the game and have good cards, but what makes me special is that I'm the main character of this fanfic." "And how exactly does that help you win?" Cadence asked as she raised an eyebrow. "Because I'm the frigging Princess of Card Games. Or... something along those lines," Twilight told her. "Now shut up and keep watching, alright?" Later, outside on the track and field at Canterlot High, Rainbow Dash and Twilight were leaning against the bleachers whilst everyone else was out in the sunshine. "Twilight, I gotta ask you something..." Rainbow Dash spoke first. "Oh? What is it, Rainbow Dash?" Twilight responded. "Why did I lose to Pinkie Pie in that card game?" "Sorry, Rainbow Dash, not even I know that..." Twilight used a finger to curl strands of her hair. "I mean by all logical accounts, I should have totally won that duel fair and square." "What? But you weren't even playi—" Rainbow was stopped by one of Twilight's fingers. "Rainbow Dash. I'm a frigging princess," she leaned closer towards Rainbow Dash and whispered, "Don't try and question it... "But yeah. If I couldn't have won that card game either way, there's only one other problem," Twilight came to a conclusion. "And that conclusion is that there's something wrong with your deck. Let me see it..." She took Rainbow Dash's deck off of her hands and began looking at all of her cards. Now that I look at it, it makes no logical sense how Pinkie Pie could have won that duel... Twilight thought to herself. I mean Rainbow Dash has three copies of Honest in her deck... That's a guaranteed win in most cases, and a complete rage-inducer if you're on the wrong side of it... Twilight gasped when she saw the next card. No way... A Dark Starswirl card?! I've gotta have it! "So? What do you think, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked, seeing as Twilight was blankly staring at the last card she looked at. "Oh! Well, uh... You see, the thing is..." Twilight stammered when she finally looked back at Rainbow Dash. "You've kinda dug yourself a six-foot grave with this deck, Rainbow Dash. I mean, three copies of Honest? Seriously? Just one hand-destroying card from your opponent and your whole plan goes down the shr..." "Well then what do I do?" Rainbow Dash threw out her hands. "Oh, don't worry about that," Twilight smiled as she held onto Rainbow Dash's deck for safe-keeping. "After school ends today, we'll just swing on by my gaming shop and get you a new deck. One that's sure to make you win time after time again..." "Alright, Rainbow Dash, here we are again," Twilight said as she and Rainbow walked through the front doors of her gaming shop. "Now then, take whatever cards you like from the boxes, but whatever you do, don't pick the golden packs." "Why not, Twilight? Aren't gold ones supposed to be good or something?" Rainbow Dash had suspicions about Twilight. "Trust me on this. I got a gold pack once, guess what was in it?" "A really rare card?" she asked. "Twelve copies of Celestia's Judgement," Twilight answered. "Seriously. Twelve. Copies. Of. Celestia's. Fing. Judgement..." "Won't that help you greatly when trying to win a duel, though?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Granted, it is powerful, but do you really want to see me win with a card that cuts my Life Points in half every time I use it?" Twilight asked. "Good point..." Rainbow Dash began to dig around the other card boxes to see what she could find. "Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to the end of the Canterlot Regional Duel Ponies Championships!" An announcer spoke as two machines burst out of the walls, revealing the two players who had made it to the finals. "Even though this will probably make no sense in the story, we're doing it anyways!" "You know, I really like watching the Duel Ponies channel," Twilight said as she and her friends were gathered around a TV in her room. "It's almost as much fun as watching Discovery Family on a Saturday in the wee hours of the morning just to see how magnificent I am..." "Our two finalists who made it to the finals are two duelists who somehow beat all odds to make it here tonight; Snips and Snails!" "Wait... These two?!" Rainbow Dash almost leapt up from her spot on the couch. "How did the Beavis and Butthead of this story make it to the finals of the Regional Championships?!" "Beats me," Twilight put her hands behind her head. "But I guess this is the writer's way of saying that even the most oddball and retarded of characters can succeed if you just throw them a bone every once in a while..." "By the way, Twilight, there's a parcel here for you." Pinkie Pie said as she dropped a wrapped box onto Twilight's lap. "Well would you look at that..." Twilight said as she pulled off the wrapping paper to reveal another box. "It's a package from Magnetron Enterprises! Direct from Mr. Magnet himself! I guess me beating Trixie in the pilot must have piqued his interest in me..." Back in the duel, Snips chuckled as he looked into the eyes of his opponent. He knew that if he pulled off an attack he would win the duel. "Hey Snails, My monster's got claws for thought," His monster showed the claws off to the crowd and his opponent. "Cool, huh?" "Oh yeah," Snails sniggered. "You know, what really makes me confused is how these two even managed to pick up a deck and make finals-worthy strategies with what little brains they have..." Twilight said as she examined Snips and Snails carefully. "I mean, everyone knows that these two are brain-dead stooges who rip off another pair of brain-dead stooges who speak almost exactly the same... "So, Snails. I'll declare an attack, or something?" Snips was about to have his monster unleash an attack. "You totally activated my Trap Card, Snips," Snails sniggered once more. "Fire! Fire!" Snails watched in trimph as Snips' monster was completely burned to a crisp, taking his Life Points down to zero in one assault. "This sucks ass," Snips said as he slammed the console with his right fist. "I'm gonna like go now, pick up some babes, maybe get some nachos or something?" "Welcome one and all to the stage, Mr. Steven Magnet!" The announcer threw up his fist when Snails touched down onto the ground, watching as Steven Magnet walked onto the stage with a golden trophy with wreaths in his hand. "Well done for defeating Snips in that children's card game parody, Snails," Steven congratulated Snails as he handed him the trophy. "Now you've proven to the whole world just who is the bigger brain-dead retard of this fanfic. "Oh, and by the way... Since this tournament went down completely fabulously, I've decided to make another tournament with much bigger stakes and a much bigger prize up for grabs, making this one seem totally irrelevant and pointless." Alright, let's see what we got here..." Twilight examined what was in the box back at her house. "Some gauntlet to throw down for a future unfunny joke, two stars to go in the wrist-thingy of the gauntlet to throw down, and a VCR tape of all things..." "A VCR tape?" Rainbow Dash looked surprised as Twilight slotted the tape into the machine and hit the play button. "Steven Magnet must be some kind of dinosaur to give us video tapes when people use DVD and Blu-Ray these days..." "Well actually, according to the Friendship is Magic canon, Steven Magnet is an overgrown sea serpent," Twilight stated matter-of-factly. "But I guess they're the same thing, in a sense..." Suddenly, the screen changed from static to a picture of Steven Magnet himself. "Hello, Twilight Sparkle," he said in an disturbing tone of voice. "I want to play a game..." "A Saw reference too?" Rainbow Dash put a finger at the side of her head and twirled it around. "He must be older than I thought..." "As of now, you are chained up to a ticking time bomb which is counting down from fifteen minutes," Steven Magnet said as Twilight Sparkle was pulled into the TV so that she could duel him herself. "To win this game, you simply have to beat me in this duel within the time limit. But if you lose, I'll welcome you to the darkest depths of hell by dropping this guillotine blade on top of you." "Alright then, Mr. Steven Magnet," Twilight suddenly changed into her princess form with a quick burst of purple light. "I'll play your game. And I'll do it all with the cards that I stole from right under Rai— I mean the cards that Rainbow Dash generously loaned to me after she lost to Pinkie Pie. "Now I summon my—" "Book Witch in Attack Mode," Steven said for Twilight as her monster took to the field. "Wait, what?! How in Faust's name did you know I would play Book Witch?!" Twilight was lost for words. "Patience, patience, Twily-girl. We'll get to that later this season," Steven grinned as he readied his turn. "Why not just tell me now?" Twilight asked. "I mean, you're obviously going to cheat to prevent me from getting this time bomb off of me, and I'm the main character who always wins no matter what happens, so why not just tell me straight from the horse's mouth?" "Because this writer wants to try and build tension so that he can get more comments," Steven said. "After all, he keeps throwing cliffhangers into his other stories to try fishing for comments... "And what about you, Twily-girl? Don't you get up to some crazy shenanigans when you're not that little girl from Canterlot High?" "Listen, Steven, just because I'm a magical princess from Equestria who steals the body of a nerd to help her win every single fight laid out in front of her, that doesn't mean I'm—" Twilight then stopped when she realized what context he was talking in "—Oh yeah, that's right..." 00:05:00 "You know, Twilight, before you die, I just wanted to share something important with you," Steven smiled as he looked at his hand. "Did you know that Duel Ponies is actually a parody of a game in the real world with a totally different name, and that it was inspired by a Japanese anime?" "What 'choo talkin' bout, Steven?" Twilight spoke in response. "This is actually a parody of a card game known as Duel Monsters, which is the main plot point of an anime known as Yu-Gi-Oh! Whereas this is just a cheap knock-off with My Little Pony characters and pales in comparison to the vastly superior real thing..." "How does it pale in comparison?" Twilight asked. "Well, you're a princess, and the hero of the anime was an Egyptian Pharaoh with no name until the final season," Steven explained. "Totally different time periods, if you know what I mean. And speaking of time..." "Wait... You just stalled for time so that the bomb would detonate!" Twilight finally put two and two together when she looked at the timer. True enough, it had hit zero. "And it worked!" Steven celebrated. "And now, as the man behind this extremely convoluted deathtrap would say: 'Those that don't appreciate life don't deserve life'." "Listen, everyone! Steven Magnet is a big fat cheating bas—" but before she could speak further, a guillotine cut Twilight in half, taking her out of the digital world and throwing her back onto the couch in the real world. "Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked when Twilight fell from the couch and rolled onto her side. "Are you okay? What happened in there?" "Shut up, Rainbow Dash, I'm dead." Twilight said before she fell asleep.