//------------------------------// // A Human Has 99 Problems But A Herd Ain’t One // Story: The Human And The Well // by Zandar13 //------------------------------// 'Darn it Vinyl, why did you have to fall asleep now?' I asked myself as I stared blankly into the snoring mare sitting against me. 'Especially after dropping that little line on me' I know she didn't mean anything bad by it, but now I was starting to feel my insides swirl around again after just calming down. Ugh, my head is starting to hurt from this and from all those drinks we had tonight. But what should I do now? How do I even begin to answer that? “Kid?” I heard Spitfire ask from behind me. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end when I heard her, so I slowly turned my head and nervously looked back at her. “Sounds like we are going to have another little talk” she said in a serious tone. “Well, at least I don't have to worry about trying to explain everything now” I said with a halfhearted chuckle. With that, Spitfire quickly made her way back over to her seat, leaving her half-empty glass alone before staring up at me. “Before I say anything, I want to hear your thoughts first. So, what do you think of herds?” she asked me. “Well, back on Earth we have something similar called polyamory where a someone has multiple partners, but it is highly frowned upon and generally disliked by many people. So most of the world practices monogamy, or having only one partner” “So, with that in mind, herds sound like the same thing as polyamory and right now I don't think it would be something I would ever want. I mean, I have been trying all my life to try and have just one girlfriend and now that I have one I am not going to be foolish and try again for another” I told her. “Interesting, well that is an acceptable answer. Enough so that I won't have to smack you upside the head for saying something stupid” Spitfire said with a bit of a smirk. “Can I ask a question then?” I asked her. “Shoot kid” she replied. “How are herds viewed here on Equus?” I asked. “Hmmm, depends on where you are. Herds are not illegal, but they are not common enough to be seen everywhere. Some major towns discourage it while others fully embrace that life style. I have seen them more in smaller towns, like the size of Ponyville. I haven't seen any here though, interesting enough” she said “And, your view?” I timidly asked. She seemed surprised that I asked that last question at her but she took a moment to collect her thoughts “My take on herds? I personally don't enjoy them, I was actually part of a herd when I was younger and naive. But I very quickly learned that I am a one mare show and did not like my stallion being shared. So from then on I have only sought out one and only one partner to call my own. Though, that being said, I have not had much luck in finding that one. Heh” she said with a quick laugh. “Really? I would of thought someone in your position would be having to beat the guys off with a bat, like flies!” I replied back with. “Heh, yeah. One would think so, but I think stallions find me a bit too uptight and unapproachable. Fleetfoot has even told me what they really think of me, when they ask her out. But no fur of my muzzle, if they are that big of idiots to be held back by something as stupid as that, then they don't deserve me” Spitfire said with smile as she finally picked up her glass and drank. “But, enough about me, what are you going to do about her?” she asked while pointing at Vinyl. “When she wakes up, I will have to let her down by telling her that right now, Derpy is my one and only marefriend” I said with a sad sigh. “What's wrong?” she asked after hearing that last sigh. “I.... I just don't want to disappoint her. Because I understand what her feelings are and all she wants is to be genuinely loved by someone. But, like I told her earlier, I will always be her best friend and I will try my best to here for her” I explained to Spitfire. “... well... you don't have to wait” I heard a small voice say. Looking down, I saw that Vinyl was awake and stayed still while laying against me. “Vinyl?! How long were you awake for?” I cautiously asked her after my initial shock. “For a while, I only passed out for a minute or so but when I woke up I realized what I had just said to you and couldn't think of what to say next. Then you two had your little talk, and here we are” Vinyl sadly explained. “Then let me ask you this: What in the world were you thinking?! Asking that sort of question to Adrian?” Spitfire asked in a very annoyed and slightly angry voice. I felt Vinyl cringe a bit at her words and I could hear her take very small breaths as she lay still against me. I then felt a few small shakes coming from her and I think a few little sniffles were heard. So I picked up my arm that was around her and gave her a quick and reassuring hug, she slightly tilted her head up to look at me. I gave her a smile to try and calm her, letting her know that I was right here for her. She responded by smiling a little herself then readjusting herself against me before saying “I wasn't thinking, I would never of said that but all the alcohol made me open up a bit more than usual then talking about my ex-coltfriends then him just being himself made me compelled to try” “I really am sorry big guy, that was inconsiderate of me. Especially after you telling us why you really came out tonight. Can you forgive me?” Vinyl asked me with a sad expression. She looked like I had already made up my mind and was not going to. So with a smirk on my face, I gave her another hug with my arm. “Of course I can, and besides, it is not like you did anything wrong in the first place. You were just talking about your feelings and thoughts, nothing wrong with telling the truth. I just never figured your for the lovey dovey type, Vinyl” I playfully jested. This got a good laugh out of her before she gently punched my arm “Shut up you big goof....and thanks” Vinyl said as she rested her hoof on my hand. “Your welcome Vinyl” I said back. I looked over at Spitfire who was finishing up her glass, when she saw me she gave me a small smile and a nod of her head. “papa~” Maelstrom suddenly mewed out in her sleep. Dawww, she is far too cute for her own good. “I think we should all head off to bed, its been a long night for us all” Spitfire suggested. “That would probably be best, lets put these glasses and empty bottles away first” I said while I attempted to get up. “Nope! You sit right there big guy, I will put them away” Vinyl told me as she pushed me down with her hoof. Next her horn lit up and a faint pink hued magic surrounded everything on the table, picked them up, and slowly traveled with Vinyl on her way to the kitchen. It was not long before she came back smiling at her completed task. “There we go! Glasses all washed and all trash is trashed!” Vinyl proudly stated. “Good work-” Spitfire said before bursting out a long yawn “-oh, sorry about that. Guess I better be heading off” “Will you be ok on your own?” I asked her. “Oh yeah, trust me. I have had FAR worse nights of drinking. Come along Vinyl” Spitfire replied with. “Thanks for looking out for us tonight big guy, and sorry again for causing you any trouble” Vinyl said as she quickly trotted up to me. “No problem, happy to help at anytime. And don't worry about it, forgiveness is what friends are for. Especially if it is my best friend!” I told her. “Geez, ya big softie. Well next time you see me, I will be back to my normal self and your gonna get it hard!” Vinyl said with a sneaky grin. I simply laughed as I held out my arm for one final hug goodnight, which I eventually got before I saw them off. Once the two of them were far in the distance, I silently closed the big front door and headed up to my room with Artemis behind me. I could already feel myself starting to fall asleep by the time I walked into my bedroom. What I saw was not what I expected. Everything was mostly the same except for one small thing. The giant curved wall of crystals at the foot of my bed. Oh Maelstrom, what did you do? Upon closer inspection, I realized what probably happened. When she realized I was gone and poofed from here to me, my blanket must have flew back and crystallized where it is. Taking a good look around the room, I saw that nothing else seemed to have changed. So I took a breath of relief before I headed over to my closet and pulled out the spare I was wrong, oh so very wrong about the blanket being the only thing that changed. The second I hopped onto the bed, the entire bed shook and sloshed around. So I just lied still and waited for everything to stop moving before I gave the bed a small smack with my hand and I figured out what it was. The mattress turned into a water bed! At least it remained a bed and did not literally turn into water. That would not of been fun. Thinking the worst was over for now and leaving my crystal blanket and new water bed for the morning, I rested my head against the soft pillows and breathed in a sigh of relief they were not made of clouds or paper or something else strange. Though they did smell delicious. And it was a familiar scent, it reminded me Pinkie Pies mane when I tried to 'eat' it that one time. My eyes shot open as I realized what the pillows probably became. I reached up and pinched the corner and easily ripped off a small, fluffy piece and plopped it into my mouth. Yep. Cotton Candy. My pillow is made out of white cotton candy, on my water bed, that has a crystal blanket wall at the end. Nope. Not going to worry or question it now, too tired to care. So with that I gently adjusted Maelstrom, covered us up with a normal blanket, and rested my head on my 'cotton pillow' and slowly fell asleep. Hopefully my dreams would be normal. ---------- Someplace Else ---------- “..r..n” I heard a voice barely say. “A..ian” I heard the voice say again. “Adr..n” The voice began to sound more clear and closer now. “Adrian” My name? Who is calling my name? “ADRIAN!” The voice very clearly and very loudly said. I snapped into consciousness and looked around in a daze before focusing on a dark figure in front of me. I blinked a few times and in no time my vision returned and I saw Luna standing there with a curious look on her face. “Adrian? Are thou awake now?” she asked me. “Big Sis Luna! How are you doing?” I asked her excitingly. “We are doing very well, thank ye for asking. How are things in Ponyville with you and your..... daughter?” she asked in return. For some reason she found the revelation of Maelstroms birth more bothersome than Celestia and it still showed. “Things are going well! I have mostly gotten used to being a father to my little chaotic bundle of joy. Everyone has been really supportive and Derpy has gladly accepted her. Though Maelstrom still does not trust anyone but me and Artemis much” I explained. “We see, well she is the offspring of a weird and chaotic being that has thrown my world upside down and Discord” she said with a wink and a playful smile. “So things will probably go very different when raising her” I laughed at that little jab at me and it was then I noticed that Luna was wearing something different then normal “Hey Luna, I am just curious. What are you wearing?” I asked. “Ah, our dear Adrian. This is actually the reason why we woke you from your dream to talk to thee. Look behind you” Luna said as she directed me with her hoof. Standing up before turning around, I saw a very bizarre sight laid out. Right in the middle was a large golden throne with red cushions and surrounding it was pretty much every girl I ever knew here on Equus, laying around with similar clothing that Luna had adorned. The clothing reminded me of middle eastern belly dancers, with the coin sashes, veils, and anything else you might see on them. Also, some of the girls had large, full bowls of fruit and goblets with liquid. It reminded me of one of those old movie harem scenes. Wait..... oh no. I could not help but bury my burning red face in my hands as I realized why I had this type of dream. My mind for some reason is stuck on that idea of herds that Vinyl 'suggested'. “We are most impressed though Adrian, we did not know you knew of the traditional clothing style of Saddle Arabian dancers” Luna commented as she observed the scene. If I could bury my head further than I would since now I was groaning at my embarrassing dream and the fact that they have a place called Saddle Arabia. “But we are still curious as to why you have surrounded your dream self with all these mares in such garments?” She curiously asked me. Seeing no way out of this predicament, I decided to tell the truth. “Well, tonight I met up with Vinyl Scratch, Spitfire, and Fleetfoot while also meeting Cloudchaser and Flitter and we went to a club, had a few drinks, the last three went home while Vinyl, Spitfire, and I drank some more at the castle which led to one thing and another and Vinyl accidentally admitted to me that I should start a herd so that she could also date me” I quickly explained. “Ah, your having a herd dream then! All is explained, though we have never seen one with ourselves in one and in such garments. Nor our sister” Luna said as she stared at something ahead. Looking where her gaze was, I saw Celestia standing there with a full vine of grapes in her mouth, waiting for something. I then saw something akin to a mirage right next to her that looked liked Luna and that is also when I saw another mirage of something human sitting on the throne. I am guessing I was sitting there. “I am so sorry Luna! I-I don't really think of you all like this! It....it was just the whole herd idea got inside my head and kinda messed up my thoughts for a bit an-and then-” I tried to explain but a gently place hoof on my lips silence my useless prattle. Shifting my eyes up, I saw a giggling Luna standing in front of me. “Adrian, we of all ponies understand the nature of dreams. Something of this nature does not worry us. Actually, we find it most entertaining to see our dear sister is such garb. Hmmm, we also have never seen a gryphon wear Saddle Arabian clothing either” Luna admitted. Looking over at Gilda, she was standing up with a slightly annoyed look on her face as she held a half eaten apple in her clawed hands but I could clearly see how she looked clothed. She had a small yellow skirt with dark silver coins and a piece of cloth covering her chest, rather tightly. I could not help but avert my eyes, not knowing where to look. Though now millions of questions along the lines of 'are they always naked?' started exploding in my dream brain but I literally shook it off. “Well, we are glad you are doing well and ever more so that your dream is simply a herd dream and not something akin to slavery or the likes. It would of not dwelled well for thou to imagine us as a slave, little brother” she shot me a look to accentuate her point. I could only nod. “We shall return you to your dream, but we shall keep you aware this time. It will be most entertaining, we think” Luna told me with a grin. Before I could protest, the frozen scene sprang to life as the girls quickly swarmed around me, with the exception of Luna who hovered above the scene out of sight. “Oh master! Please, eat my fruit!” Dream Rarity called out. “No! Eat mine instead! Its sweet and super-duper good!” Dream Pinkie demanded as she bounced ahead. “Hey, uh, yo-you should eat my apple instead” I heard Dream Gilda suggest as she held out her hands with the apple nestled in them. “Nonsense, my little ponies. He shall enjoy my succulent grapes as I feed him. Mouth~ To~ Mouth~” Dream Celestia slowly said as she twirled a grape in her mouth with half-lidded eyes. “My dear Aunt, my adorable Adrian shall experience true love from the Princess of Love as he enjoys my crystal wine. Please, drink from my goblet, my wonderful master” Dream Cadence seductively said as she held the drink with her magic. The rest of the girls said similar things while offering other food or drinks and their words took a turn for the worst and shall never be repeated. I felt my head about to explode when I heard above the crowd a snicker, looking up I saw Luna busting a gut and when she saw me she mouthed the words 'Good luck, Master' before flying off. ….. I hope she keeps this dream private. ---------- 8:30 A.M, Adrians Room ---------- I woke up due to multiple reasons and I would of preferred only one. Firstly, the sun had found its way through my curtains again and made my eyes hurt since I was facing it directly. Secondly, my brain had had enough of that dream last night and it shall never be spoken about again to anyone, including myself. And thirdly, Maelstrom was nibbling on my ear in her sleep. With her tiny, sharp teeth. Letting out a tired sigh, I took a moment to wake up before saying “Maelstrom, please stop eating my ear” “Papa!” she happily cried out as she stopped biting and instantly hugged my head. “Papa~” she purred out. Darn it. Gosh freaking darn it! Why are you so damn adorable! WHY?!! It is not fair, not fair whatsoever. Already having my pride beaten out of commission, I reached up and pulled her back a bit so I could kiss her cheek and smiled as I said “Good morning Maelstrom” Normally she would reattach herself to my face but this time she actually scampered back a bit and had a serious look on her face while she stared forward. I looked at her with a confused look on my face as I saw her struggle with something. “G-goo.... g-goo goo. Good mew...good mewr. Good mewrng!” she heavily struggled to say. But I lit up like a christmas tree and was instantly on my knees with a happy face, though I wobbled a bit since I forget it was a water bed now. “Good, good! Alright, lets try again! Ahem. Good. Morning” I slowly said the last two words for her. “Good mewrng” she tried to repeat. “Good...... morn...ing” I slowly said again. “Good.... mowning” “Mo...rn...ing” “Mow...urn...ing” “Morn...ing” “Mo..rning” “Morning” “Morning!” “YES! Good girl Maelstrom! Good morning!” I happily said and hoped she could repeat it again. “Good morning! Good morning papa!” she just as happily repeated back. “YES! YES! This is amazing! You are such a smart girl Maelstrom! Come here!” I opened up my arms to which she happily sprung into and I hugged her so much as we both celebrated. I could get used to these kind of mornings. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Who in the world would be knocking this early? Cutting the celebration short, I quickly changed into a fresh outfit, propped the giggling Maelstrom in my arm, and quickly made my way to the door. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK I grasped the handle and pulled it open “Hello, how can I-” I did not get to finish my sentence as I was bowled over by three bodies that sprung over me. Now on my back, I groaned as I regrouped my senses and looked around. I soon saw that the three that knocked me over was Fleetfoot, Cloudchaser, and Flitter. Though, I could tell something was wrong cause they looked scared and worried and Flitter was limping a bit. Getting on my feet immediately, I rushed over to them and kneeled back down to ask “What's wrong?” “Sorry for that Adrian, but remember those three idiots from last night? Well, they decided to try and hit us up again this morning but in a more.... direct, forceful way. They even hit Flitter, but thankfully it was only a glancing blow. I tried to wake Spitfire but she is a bit of a heavy sleeper after drinking. So I came here, hoping that once they saw you again, they would leave. Ah, here they come” she quickly explained. Looking back, I saw that it was indeed the three morons from last night and I could see that all three were different. Earth, Unicorn, and Pegasi. But that didn't matter, nothing mattered except for this small flame of hatred that I could feel igniting within me. I gently placed Maelstrom on the ground and kissed her forehead. “Stay here” I told all four of them. I slowly strode my way out front and waited for the trio to arrive, but once they saw me standing there they all came to a halt. But instead of fear, they were irritated and pissed off. “Great, the freak stands guard. Perfect” number one said with another click of the tongue. “Dude, get out of our way. We just want those sexy mares. No need for you to get hurt on account of them” number two said. “Yeah you fucking freak! You were lucky I was drunk last night, or else I would of blasted you away with my magic!” number three said, though I could see my hit from last night swelled up a bit. “Got that right. You couldn't handle the three of us, now get lost and let us have our way with them” number one demanded. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. That was all I heard erupt from their filthy mouths, yet with every syllable they uttered, the flame inside of me grew and grew so much that I could feel my insides starting to heat up. But I would keep control, I will not lose control of this power. “I already told you to leave us alone and never bother us again. Not only that but I believe I promised to burn off all the hair on your body if you didn't. Are you willing to test that out?” I angrily asked them. “Don't try to bullshit us! You can't use magic! Only unicorns can use magic! And I don't see a horn on that ugly face of yours. You know what? Screw this, lets beat him up, get the girls and teach his so called 'marefriend' a lesson that he won't ever forget!” number two said as he took the first step forward Everything went blank as my rage erupted tenfold at the mere concept of them harming Derpy, so allowing both my magic to swell up and mix with the burning fire within, I felt my power overflow from my body and my moment my foot connected with the ground I was already in front of number two, with a punch already in motion. His face contorted to that of fear and pain within the few seconds he realized he was about to get punched and could not do anything about it. The moment it connected, his body was blasted away about fifteen feet behind them and landed with a loud and solid THUNK. Number one flew away as soon as he could and number three ran around just a quickly and I could see his horn start to flicker. But that did not matter to me, all I wanted to do was hurt them and bring them down. So, fearing no danger, I began to walk over to him with a slightly menacing pose and I heard myself hiss again. When I was five feet from him, he unleashed his spell on me, which was a simple construct spell, shaped like a hammer. It swung at me and connected with my face and I could see him smirking when it did, that is until he saw that it had no effect on me. I continued to walk towards him with only a light scratch on my cheek and reaching out faster than he could run, I grabbed his horn and felt my strength surge. CRACK I heard his horn crack a bit and I even saw the crack on his horn, luckily for him the second I did, he passed out. So I let him go and without a thought, began my march to number one who was flying above us with fear etched into his face. “Sc-screw this! Your fucking crazy!” he said as he turned around and began to furiously flap his wings. But I was not going to let him get away. So I used my new speed to quickly get under him, breathed in a deep lungful of air, mixed in some magic, and unleashed a torrent of fire directly at him. It overcame him and quickly swallowed him whole, burning and singeing his wings. With no wings to fly on, his limp body plummeted back to the ground and did not move. I took a look around and saw that all of my foes were down and out and I felt.... I felt.... powerful and just for a moment, I enjoyed it. Thankfully my senses quickly came back to me and I killed that thought immediately. Nothing good would come out of that thought wiggling around in my head. So I did as I have before, and I took long and calming breaths to allow my magic to settle and also to douse that flame I felt inside. I decided to gather the three up so when the hospital gets here, they can get all three at once. Luckily, my magical strength allowed me to easily pick up and arrange them nicely on the ground. But now that I saw all three together, I felt a ping of regret inside my heart. Was this the right thing to do to them? Even though they were going to hurt the girls and probably do worse, was it still right to hurt them like this? “Adrian!” a female voice called out, snapping me out of my mental daze. Turning around, I was surprised to be wrapped up in a hug by a crying Flitter. Not knowing what to do next, I just simply brought my arms up and held her in my arms. POOF “Papa good!” Maelstrom said to me as she happily laughed away while snuggling with my long, white hair. Don't know how she does it, but she manages to always safely teleport onto me. This time on top of my head. “Adrian!” Cloudchaser called out. “Adrian! Thank goodness your alright” Fleetfoot called out as well. I looked over at the other two mares as they both flew towards us. They both wore concerned expressions on their faces. “Adrian! That was amazing! I can't believe how easily you took them out! And you even shrugged off that stallions magic!” Cloudchaser complimented. “I don't really think I was that amazing, I was just angry” I nervously admitted. But Fleetfoot shook her head. “You were spectacular Adrian, it reminded me of the day you saved me in the forest. You would make a great wonderbolt” Fleetfoot said to me with a caring smile. My attention was drawn back down to Flitter who was now sniffling and trying to clean her eyes. “Go ahead and use my shirt to clean yourself up with Flitter, I can easily wash it later” I told her. She nodded without looking and used my shirt as a tissue. Though I am being nice, it was certainly a weird feeling to witness. It took a few minutes for her to clean up and calm down, but once she was done she smiled up at me with still a few tears in her eyes. I smiled back as I gently stroked her mane a few times. “Th-thank you so much Adrian, sorry for causing you so much trouble though. You even let me use your shirt as a tissue” Flitter said with quiet voice. “It was my honor to help you Flitter, I am just glad I was able to help. I am amazed that I could even do that” I said to both her and myself. I gazed at my hand that punched number two and reflected on the amazing things I just did in the blink of an eye. I didn't know I was this strong. I then remembered that she was hit and I instantly found the little bruise “But more importantly, are you ok Flitter? Fleetfoot said you got hit and did they stalk you all outside your house?” I asked. “I am not sure how, but they just appeared almost the second we came out of our house to look for Miss Vinyl and Captain Spitfire. We told them to buzz off but they were upset about last night and barely hit me before we got out of there and came here after we failed to wake Spitfire” Flitter explained to me. “Wow, I can't believe those three. I am just glad that you three are ok in the end” I said. “THERE YOU THREE ARE!” a new voice called out to us. Looking around, I saw that it was Vinyl and Spitfire rushing to us. “What happened? Are you all ok?” Spitfire asked. “Yes Spitfire, we all all ok now. Those three hooligans from last night followed us and tried to forcefully take us. They got a glancing blow off on Flitter before we fled. We tried to wake you but they were going to catch us, so we ran to find Adrian and well, his valiant actions saved us and knocked them all out. As you can see” Fleetfoot carefully explained. “Jeez, look at you big guy! Trying to become the hero or something” Vinyl jested with a laugh. “Hardy har har. Looks like your back to normal” I said to Vinyl who had donned her eye wear like usual. “Oh yeah I am baby! Ha ha!” she replied back with. “Joking aside, is anyone else hurt?” Spitfire seriously asked us all. “No ma'am, all parties safe and sound. Well, except for those three of course” Fleetfoot reported. “Nice job Adrian, you would make a good wonderbolt. After I properly trained you of course” Spitfire said with a slight smirk. “Thats what I said!” Fleetfoot happily agreed. “Well, he is already a hero in my book!” Cloudchaser said as she attached herself to my shoulder. “Most definitely my hero!” Flitter responded by climbing on my other shoulder. “Hey! Don't hog him all to yourself!” Vinyl said as she jumped into my now empty arms, though she threw me off balance and I landed on my butt and slowly laid down on my back with the four of them all over me. I then heard Spitfire laugh to herself “You sure you don't want a herd?” she jokingly said in between laughs. Vinyl caught on to the joke and began to bust a gut as well, my face grew a little red and I groaned a bit. I tried to shift my eyes up but I was met with a happy looking Maelstrom. “Papa good! Good! Good!” she cried out before kissing me. “Ah jeez! Even my own daughter is trying to embarrass me!” I called out and used a free arm to cover my eyes and part of my head. Then of course I heard the rest of the girls start to laugh. Making me groan again. But I sneaked a peak and saw that they all had such happy faces on them and had genuine smiles plastered on their faces. I recovered my eyes but I could not help but smile along with them.