This is for V. Not me, not you; her, it’s for her.
It’s safe to say that I’m furious, righteously pissed right now. Your betrayal, the Derptard’s survival, the most painful irony I can imagine, and the Nerd’s semi-constant vigil have eroded my patience to nothing. It’s by the graces of that amazing filly that I’m holding it together right now.
I’m not good at this kind of thing, not even when I’m only pretending so V won’t be mad. I don’t mend relationships. In fact, before all of this crap happened, I didn’t even have any. So you’re going to be patient with me or else you’ll wind up as kindling.
I suppose I should start at the most noticeable thing; my house. Yes, the Derptard has managed to burn my house down twice. Two times more than I’m happy admitting. Apparently she found my lantern before it started a fire and returned it to my home where it finally did as intended and started a fire.
If you’re paying attention, that means I’m homeless. Again.
Surprisingly enough, I’ve had a few offers for temporary lodging. Blossom, Rarity, Applejack, and the Derptard have all opened their doors to me. I didn’t even get a chance to shoot them all down before the Nerd stepped in and reminded everypony that my hospital stay is gonna be a long one and thus the need for housing is not immediate. She traded off giving her friends’ sympathetic looks with flashing me the occasional glare.
Personally, I think it’s cute that she’s trying to protect them from me. After all, she certainly knows enough about me to be rightfully cautious. Isn’t that right, traitor?
Thankfully she’s kept true to her word; she doesn’t appear to have told the others about what she’s learned. That’ll give me a few options down the road. Not sure what those options are or how they’ll manifest, but I’ll figure that out in time. I’ve got more important matters to deal with.
As you know, the Nerd has stated her intention to ‘reform’ me. I got her to expound upon that idea. Basically she wants to ‘fix’ me. She wants to take my damaged psyche and repair it or help it limp along to a point where I can ‘healthily function’. It’s her belief that my ‘delusions’ are getting in the way of any ‘healing’ I’ve attempted independently and that I need help navigating through that mess (A mess that I had to remind her was my mind, which gave me some satisfaction from the way she stumbled over an apology to the ‘insult’.)
I tried to get her to explain to me what she thinks my ‘delusions’ are, but I couldn’t get her to budge much on that. Got her to tell me that she’s under the opinion that I’m self-defeating, this means that I sabotage my own life. Still not sure what she meant by that. She’s running the show now, though, so I gotta go with it.
As I said before, I’m just a pawn in her friendship games now.
I’m actually pretty glad I’m gonna be locked up in this place for awhile. Being in here means I won’t have to deal with her crap. I’ll also be able to watch over V’s recovery, which I cannot express my delight in.
Now let me be clear, if it means that they’ll all leave me alone and let me have my little friend, then I’ll play the Nerd’s game, whatever the fuck it turns out to be. Will I actually make any strides towards change (Or, as she puts it, ‘reform’.)? I can’t answer that totally yet. If I can tell that it will benefit V then I suppose I will, but I will NOT bend and conform to whatever plan that bitch cooks up. At this point she’s working as a direct analogue for those royal bitches. They’ve got me in their clutches and I refuse to become some cruel parody of myself.
I’ll say it in a new paragraph so you can truly grasp this; I’m willing to do what is needed of me in order for me to be with V and nothing will stop me. If those bitches want to cross me the wrong way in their game then I’ll gladly let them know how far back the line they’ve crossed is.
I haven’t had real friends since my father’s whore, Blossom, and Rose decided they were better off without me. Losing V…I don’t want to do that again. I’m not strong enough. She cares, she actually fucking cares. There isn’t some game being played and she isn’t trying some kind of angle. She looks at me and sees her best friend. That little filly looks at me and sees something nopony has seen since Mom was alive.
Now, as for you and me…well, that’s more complicated.
V wants us to be together. She clearly expects you and I to clear up whatever mess is between us by the next time we see her, but we both know that’s not gonna happen. I put my soul on paper and you gave it away. If you think I’ll ever forgive you for that then you clearly haven’t been paying attention. I can’t have her be upset, though. I’ve finally got a chance to be with my little buddy and I’m not gonna let this crap sully what time we get.
In public, when we’re around others, you and I are gonna act like we used to. Nothing’s changed as far as anypony else is concerned. I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re both fine. When we’re in private, though, that won’t be the case. Whatever we had is dead. You killed it.
It hurts to know that this is where I’ve wound up. This is where I started. I was born here, interred here, and here I am again. The only thing that’s really changed is that every time I come back I’ve lost something else. First I lost my parents, my friends, my home, my possessions, and Shirley. Now I’ve lost my home, my possessions, my health, my self-respect, you, my privacy, and a good chunk of my sanity. The only thing I have to show for any of that pain is V.
Worth it.