The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Red, Muscular Guys

Advisory: Set "Formatting" to "Dark" for best reading experience. Thank you.

A/N: Today's battle setup is an alternate universe's continuation of the events in an AnimatedJames production.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Sega.
---

In an unrelated note, 'C Students' is looking like a pretty good series.

Whether it's riled up bulls or Team Fortress 2 players, the color red brings out the most aggressive among us.

In fact, it often gets attached to the stereotypes of strength and muscles as expressed in the following combatants.

Knuckles the Echidna: Gullible Guardian of the Master Emerald...

... and Big Macintosh, the oldest sibling at Sweet Apple Acres.

He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Knuckles
-Anthropomorphic echidna
-Treasure hunter / Guardian of the Master Emerald and Angel Island
-Strong enough to punch through rock
-Can glide, climb, and run just behind Tails
-Sometimes wields the Shovel Claws for digging underground
-Wisdom of his ancestors doesn't always translate into intelligence
-Has been fooled by Eggman multiple times into blaming and attacking Sonic

"Look who's calling who a thief. ... Talking to you is a waste of time."

Sixteen years ago, an echidna was born on Angel Island. He would grow up thinking he was the last of the long-lost Knuckles Clan, destined to guard the floating island and the Master Emerald forever. He cared little for making contact with the outside world and was content with attuning with nature itself.

Then life decided to be a giant douche by knocking the knucklehead unconscious, taking away the emerald, and pinning the blame on a hedgehog familiar to everyone that hasn't been living under a rock for the past twenty-one years.

Of course, the 'kind doctor' that tipped him off was actually more interested in having the Chaos Emeralds to himself. Besides, Knuckles wasn't exactly above pulling his punches himself when he somehow beat the Super Form out of Sonic and stole all of the Chaos Emeralds. But after some misunderstandings, destroying a few of Eggman's robots and blowing up the Death Egg again, he decided to trust Sonic, and Knuckles returned to his guardian lifestyle.

At least he would have, if the next game with a convenient plot hadn't tricked him into blaming Sonic again before more clarifying battles took place. Then there was that whole distracting, talking bat, a mess with a liquid monster, a mechanical Sonic, a bunch more robots, an alien invasion, a shade demon plot, and much more.

While running fast has become a staple for most characters in Mobius, Knuckles can't always keep up with the blue blur. His focus tends to be more on his strength, which can punch through trees and solid rock without flinching. Lifting boulders is also a breeze.

He can also fly short distances and climb vertical cliffs by digging his pointy-knuckled gloves into the side.

While he can sometimes dig straight into the ground on his own, he sometimes wields the Shovel Claws which can shove aside dirt and debris much more efficiently.

Knux' fighting style usually has a bunch of spinning and corkscrew motions to drive his fists against his enemies' guts. Although, straight up boxing is also in his alley. Though, his mind doesn't always catch up with his body. I mean, how many evil deeds can a single fat doctor bent on taking over the world commit before you realize that you shouldn't trust anything he says?

Despite making friends with Sonic and crew, Knuckles prefers to be a loner and is often quick to punch first and ask questions later. Though, in a Death Battle scenario, that might actually work out better for him.

Just don't mistake him for a hedgehog. He's kind of sensitive about his identity.

"Time for a Knuckles sandwich!"

Big Macintosh
-Earth pony stallion
-Part of the Apple family
-Can buck every single apple out of an entire tree
-Strong enough to pull a wagon full of three or four ponies, and several household knickknacks... including a kitchen sink ("Pinkie Apple Pie")
-Apparently capable of digging pony-sized holes in the ground with his bare hooves ("Return of Harmony")
-Usually doesn't say more than one or two words
-Hides his wisdom away for the show's sake of clever writing

"You should be ashamed of yourselves."

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has taught me two things. One, I want my own pet dragon, and two, men would not be well off if they were all turned into tiny horses. If he isn't stupid, one-note, evil, or a snobby rich pony, he might as well not even exist.

Yet, none of those quite come close to capturing the essence of a certain red, strong stallion in Ponyville called Big Macintosh. Born and raised on Sweet Apple Acres, Big Mac has come to an understanding of farm life and all of the responsibilities therein. Whether it's a simple hammer-and-nail fix or sealing a large-profit, business transaction, he has the know-how and the capability to keep things working from dawn until dusk.

All without saying more than one word: "Eeyup."

Common misconception, as he has spoken using complete sentences before, especially when it comes to sharing his concerns regarding family.

"Biting off more than you can chew is just what I'm afraid of."

Behind his lack of the use of verbosity, he can usually speak the loudest through his actions rather than words alone. With just one buck, he can knock an entire tree of apples free of its fruit without disturbing most of the leaves.

How the hell does that work?

Though it isn't just leg and hoof strength. He can pull a wagon filled with several ponies and what looks like the entire collection of his home's knickknacks.

When driven by a strong enough emotion, that strength translates into being able to knock away an entire dogpile composed of other ponies and even dragging an entire two-story building behind him using nothing but a rope! ... or digging holes like a brainwashed dog.

While circumstances often act to prevent Big Mac from speaking his mind, there is no doubt that this pony wields both brains and brawn.

Not to mention, clever timing.

"Turkey call?"

"Eeyup."

"Trashed your voice?

"Eeyup."

"Zecora remedy?"

"Eeyup."

"Not quick enough?"

"Nope."

"Needed a deep voice?"

"Eeyup."

"Poison joke?"

"Eeyup."

"Flutterguy?"

"Eeyup."

"Better now?"

"Eeyup."

"And that shy filly was livin' her dream in the shadows because she couldn't bring herself to come into the spotlight?"

"Eeyup."

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

"Shin... Ra!"

Despite her frustration, the orange pony is sent flying into a tree. Ponies and other stuff walk over to check her condition. To say the least, it doesn't look good. A pool of blood is gathering under her right ear. Her eyes are closed and it doesn't sound like she's breathing. One of the Mobians picks her up and starts walking her out of the scene. The rest of the group follows this leader.

However, the pink puncher stands behind, watching them go. He scrunches his brow. He doesn't understand how anyone can feel bad for her. After all, she committed a crime most heinous and wicked.

"She stabbed me in the torso with a *eff*ing cactus!" he yells while holding his arms out wide.

The blue blur races back. "Quick question: How many rings did you pick up since you turned super before the Iron Pony Competition?"

He blinks. "Wait, I was supposed to collect rings?"

Pink fur fades to red. His eyes open wide as he looks over himself. Suddenly, the reason for having rings clicks.

"Well... good luck, buddy!" The hedgehog races out of sight.

"Good luck?" He tilts his head. "What do you mean?"

Hot breath steams up against the back of his neck, and not in the good way. He slowly turns around to see a stallion's face. It looks as red as he is. Though, there might just be an extra shade of red being emitted for a reason other than pigmentation. However, the echidna doesn't run away in fear (as wise as that would be). He hops back and punches a fist into his palm.

"You want some, too?" he taunts.

"FIGHT!"

Despite gaining distance earlier, Knuckles runs toward his new opponent. Big Macintosh whickers before galloping forth himself. The screen zooms in on the pitter-patter of shoes. Then, we get a closeup of hooves pounding the ground. Finally, we get a shot of the opponents jumping up and their front limbs colliding in a loud punch.

Both of them land standing up. At this point, however, Knuckles is curling up and spinning in place. In the next split second, this red ball is colliding with Big Mac in three different places. This little combo is finished with a gloved uppercut against Big Mac's chin. The stallion is sent sliding on his back along the ground.

"How do you like my Knuckles sandwich?" asks the echidna, chuckling.

Big Mac says nothing, simply grunting as he gets back on his hooves. While his opponent is busy laughing, he gallops straight into a headbutt. Knuckles is sent head over heel for a couple of rotations. After the initial surprise, the echidna points his fists forward. Despite all scientific research proving to the contrary, this simple gesture lets him fly forward at his own pace.

He performs an aerial loop before whipping out his Shovel Claws. Aiming straight down, Knuckles spins around, practically drilling into the earth. Big Mac spits to the side before pawing at the ground with his hooves. In a matter of seconds, he's digging straight down as well. There are a few rumblings out of the camera's view. Though, the cameraman seems to be quite fascinated with one large boulder out in this field. The shaking seems to be focused here.

A hole pops up just to the left as Knuckles flies out while groaning. Two large legs stomp on either side of the hole before Big Mac pulls himself up into view. The screen splits to show each of the combatants breathing in fatigue. This battle can't go on for much longer. Knuckles grabs hold of the boulder and heaves it. Big Mac barely dodges out of the way as he gallops toward his enemy.

At the last second, the stallion slams the ground with both of his front hooves. In the process, he turns himself around. Knuckles holds up his Shovel Claws just as Big Mac delivers a powerful buck. The tools shatter. The gloves rip. What's left collides with the echidna's face just before Big Mac's hooves do.

Knuckles' scream echoes as the air around his head is surrounded in blood.

...

The screen fades to white before showing Big Mac wiping off his back hooves along the ground.

"If I ever catch you messing with my sister again... no amount of wishing on the Chaos Emeralds is going to fix what I do to you."

The camera purposefully stays below the echidna's neck area after panning over to the damage. There's enough blood to make the nearby dirt look like it came from Mars.

"Brutality!"

Holy *ess*! I had no idea my #1 meal at McDonald's had so much kick to it.

This was a surprisingly close match. Knuckles may have had a slight speed and flight advantage, but his raw power and intellect are just shy of Big Mac's.

But what about being able to lift giant boulders? Isn't that supposed to be an incredible feat or something?

Sure, lifting solid rock twice as big as himself is impressive, but it doesn't quite stack up to moving an entire house or a countless number of other ponies. Turning raw emotion into physical strength seems to be a typical hobby in Equestria.

I guess you're right. Plus, while Knuckles can make quick work of the ground with this Shovel Claws, Big Mac can do the same with his bare hooves. Show me another horse that can do that.

And by calculating the amount of force needed to topple a tree full of fruit, Big Mac's buck wouldn't just kill Knuckles, it would obliterate him.

Knuckles should've just ordered a small... or maybe a PC.

The winner is Big Macintosh.

Next time on Death Battle...

"Eh, I'm making this up as I go."

"Science, literature, history, economics, pottery... that sort of stuff."
---