“So, what say we go around in the circle- Vantas you can start- and we do the ‘how he got here’ storytime?”
“Say, why is it always me who has to start this stuff. I’m sure Pyrope would like to share.”
“V4nt4s, just st4rt 3xpl41n1ng stuff 4lr34dy. W3 don’t w4nt to l1st3n to your wh1n3y bullsh1t.”
“...Fine then.”
Begin Interlude 1
It is October Thirty-First, 2015. A teenager stands in his room. Though it was over eighteen years ago he was given a name, he seems to have forgotten it! What was the name of this young man?
> Enter Name.
Oh no, this again? Let me guess. There’s going to be an awful name given, and then I would insult the giver, and THEN we would get the right name? How about no.
> Enter Name.
Oh fine. Alexandr Zarevich? Where the hell are you from? Never mind that.
======>
Your name is ALEXANDR ZAREVICH, and you are from UKRAINE. At least you think it was Ukraine. No one ever told you.
You have a various number of INTERESTS, the remains of some of which litter your room. Amongst them are HOMESTUCK, PONIES, HOMESTUCK, GEORGE LUCAS, HOMESTUCK and just because, some more HOMESTUCK. Your affinity for this legendary WEBCOMIC has nigh become a legend itself. You love these twists the author tosses out, the subtle NUANCES and somesuch. On your DRESSER, NEATLY FOLDED, sits your KARKAT VANTAS COSPLAY: the logoed shirt, the greying pants, and the Homes Smell Ya Later. You are going to WEAR IT at tonight’s GEEKPARTY. There sure are a LOT OF THESE going around lately, with RUMORS of people disappearing.
But you don’t CARE about these rumors. For a lengthy period of time, you have led your WEBFRIENDS in an effort to make this the BEST NIGHT EVER. For some reason, your FRIEND OF A FRIEND with a russian name laughed himself SILLY over your declaration.
But enough about that. You have a PARTY to get to!
> Alexandr: Don costume.
Yes. YES. You feel the costume breathing a new life into you. The shirt perfectly tailored, the pants comfortably snug around your waist. You ruffle your messy hair before carefully slipping on your HORNED HEADBAND. Beautiful.
You are now KARKAT VANTAS. You were always meant to be KARKAT VANTAS. The Homes Smell Ya Later within your grey hand is your Homes Smell Ya Later. Like some utterly contrived DESTINY, you play the part you were always meant to play.
Wait a minute.
This is incredibly silly!
======>
The underwhelming jingle at your MODERN COMPUTER signifies the pestering of some other friend. It only figures that the installation of a NEW BETA CHAT PROGRAM, in coordination with your other friends, would result in the OPENING OF THE FLOODGATES, the flapping of the butterflies wings that results in the hurricane of relentless, pointless messaging. You oughta just get this over with.
>Alexandr: Get this over with.
>Open Pesterlog
lucyWardale [LW] began pestering alexandrZarevich [AZ] at 16:03
LW: Alexandr…
LW: Alexandr…
AZ: What?
LW: Oh good, you’re finally here
LW: Did you get your costume together?
AZ: Of course I did. Do you really think I’d attend this party costumeless?
LW: There’s no way you’d ever let something like that happen.
LW: Your nerdpride is simply too great.
AZ: Are you going to get to whatever point you originally intended to make, or just drag this out far longer than necessary?
LW: Hmph. You’re rather crabby today, eh?
AZ: The point. Get to it.
LW: Who says I can’t just check up on a good friend and ensure that they’re doing alright, eh?
AZ: Are you saying
AZ: That this whole conversation was like a dull gardening implement
AZ: That has no point
AZ: And could have easily been avoided?
LW: Hey, you’ve put a lot of work into this.
LW: Arranging that everyone has their cosplay and stuff.
LW: Maybe I just want to make sure that it’s all coming together as planned.
AZ: And maybe yes it’s all coming together as planned now leave me alone.
AZ: I’ll see you at the party.
AZ: Jeez…
alexandrZarevich [AZ] ceased pestering lucyWardale [LW] at 16:10
>Alexandr: Contemplate the concept of time and its mysterious ways
You turn away from your computer and hazard a glance at your watch. Yikes! It’s almost time to go. LW almost made you late!
>Alexandr: Meet with WEBFRIENDS at prearranged meeting place
Prearranged meeting place? What prearranged meeting place… Dammit! You forgot to prearrange a meeting place! How could you be so stupid?
>Alexandr: Flip the fuck out
There’s no time to flip the fuck out. You grab your wallet and your cellphone, stuff the two indispensable items into your pockets, and hastily exit your bedroom.
>Alexandr: Go to party
You go to the party. Several festive individuals comment positively on your excellent cosplay. You smile to yourself; you may not have your friends, but at least you have your costume.
Suddenly, you spot a gathering of troll-cosplayers ahead, around a picnic bench. Inside the nearby building you hear the hustle and shouting that logically follows the convening of a large number of geeks in the same area. Your smile grows- your friends seem to have found each other. Then it disappears- how did your friends find each other?
>Alexandr: Interrogate friends
>Show dialoglog
Alexandr: How the hell are you lot already here?
Feferi: Oh, hi Alex… or should I say Karkat? We were wondering when you’d get here.
Alexandr: I have a question and I want it answered. How the hell are you lot already here?
Kanaya: Well, you do live the farthest from here, Alex.
Alexandr: I meant more along the lines of how the hell are you lot here together. I thought I forgot to prearrange a meeting place.
Sollux: You did. It’s a good thing I picked up your slack.
Alexandr: And nobody thought to tell me this was happening?
Sollux: ...
Kanaya: …
Feferi: ...
Terezi: Oops. Forgot to tell him.
Alexandr: Grrr… fine. Look, we’re all here now, let’s just not get separated again.
Gamzee: *Honk*
Alexandr: Hey, put that horn away!
Gamzee: Err- that wasn’t me.
*Honk! Honk!*
>Alexandr: Get separated again.
You all turn to see a golf cart barreling down the street, honking furiously. You glance at your friends, then scamper out of your seat and away from the picnic bench, as you see your friends do the same.
The golf cart crashes into the picnic bench, completely obliterating the flimsy wooden structure. It sure is a good thing you weren’t sitting on it at the time.
Unfortunately, as commonly occurs at the scene of a destructive accident, a torrent of bystanders floods the scene, hoping for a closer look. In the chaos of the crowd, you see yourself and your friends meld into the confusing mass. You’re alone once again.
>God Dammit!!!
You interacted with them for the whole of two minutes. TWO FUCKING MINUTES!
======>
Welp, seeing as the rest of the bunch has fucked it up so thoroughly, you take it upon yourself to find everyone else. It’s about as productive as you’d expect.
Eventually you find yourself inside the building, dodging partygoers and searching for your friends. You can’t seem to spot them in the horde of nerds, cosplayers, and celebrating geeks, so you idle up to a merchantry booth, preparing to question the old man behind the counter.
>Alexandr: Question Old Man
This geezer looks like a sly one. He’ll probably try to extort money out of you, to get the info you want. You start off polite. Excuse me, sir, you say. Ah, another troll, he says. Please, feel free to browse my wares. I assure you, we have only the finest of stock. This item, for instance-
Ugh. This merchant is insufferable. Skip the sales pitch, you say. You mentioned other trolls, right? Do you happen to know where any of them may’ve gone?
Of course I do, the old man says. They all went to the same place, though not at the same time. Chances are they’re still there. OK, great, you say. Any chance he could point you in that direction?
The old man says he’ll be glad to, if you’d just pick something out to buy.
>Threaten old man
Woah! You’re aware that you may not be the most pleasant of guys, but you’re no common thug. You settle for bonking your head against the table in frustration.
=======>
The old man says to calm down, look around. This doesn’t have to be a waste. You might find something you’d really like to get. You sigh and browse over the merchant’s selection. A bunch of models, recreations, and paraphernalia. Even a hand of some sort. It all seems good quality, sure, but not much stands out aside from a well-done model of a Husktop- spindly legs and all. You jab a finger at it.
The old man smiles as you fork over some cash. There, I bought something, you tell him. Now would you tell me where the others went? Why just tell you, the man says. Go there yourself.
>Alexandr: Get transported to Equestria
Is that where you are? You couldn’t have guessed. The world turned to black and suddenly you were here, standing alone on a cold, hard floor, staring up through some viewport at an inky black sky. Computer terminals surround you, as well as more viewports. You see more darkness out there, as well as a white, craterous surface. Glancing out another window, you spy something hanging in the sky off to the distance, a blue orb swirling with clouds and green continents you’ve never seen before. And at the center of the mysterious room sits a strange metallic disc, emblazoned with symbols of equally vague familiarity as this whole fucking room.
>Alexandr: Realize where you are.
You are in the meteor lab. Except it’s not on the meteor, drifting away in the veil. It’s on the fucking moon of Equestria. YOUR MIND IS FUCKING BLOWN RIGHT NOW!!!
And, on further examination, you may not be Alexandr anymore.
>Vantas: Realize who you are.
Your skin is grey. Your eyes are yellow. You reach up to touch your HORNED HEADBAND, only to find it’s now just a pair of HORNS. YOU ARE KARKAT VANTAS IN THE LAB ON THE FUCKING MOON OF EQUESTRIA!!!
>Vantas: Flip the fuck out
You spend a good twenty minutes or so flipping the fuck out.
Okay, stop now. No, seriously. Stop. You’ve done enough. Stop it. Stop it! Stop it!!!
>Vantas: Stop it
Okay, you’ve calmed down a bit more. What are you to do now? You can’t very well stay in the lab on the fucking moon of Equestria forever.
>Vantas: Examine transportalizer.
You examine the transportalizer. It certainly looks authentic, if slightly more intricate than you have seen. You wonder if you could just...
...reach out...
...and touch it.
>Something: Happen.
You hesitantly reach out, stumble and fall head-over-heels onto the transportalizer. You hear a telltale woosh and suddenly you are in another room.
You step off the transportalizer and look around. There are two more transportalizers, just like they were in Alterniabound. Which will you take?
>Vantas: Go to your room.
...Why didn’t you think of this before? You hurry to the frontside transportalizer and quickly transportalize yourself to the circular room of twelve pads.
You hop on the transportalizer.
>Something unexpected: Happen.
You arrive in a place that is distinctly NOT Karkat’s room. It is also distinctly NOT a part of the lab at all. You think that maybe you don’t want to explore this new place and oh look the transportalizer’s gone.
>Vantas: Explore this place anyway.
Since your way out has decided to make a run for it, you might as well take a look around.
You are in a huge structure, presumably underground. The intricacy of the architecture reminds you of Prospit. Or perhaps Derse. You can’t be sure, as the color scheme is neither gold or purple. It’s green and black. And glowing slightly.
The tunnels curve and twist, with no rhyme or reason, no pattern. You’ve barely walked two minutes and you’re already lost. You’d have better luck trying to navigate the maze of transportalizers back in the lab.
Suddenly, you hear a sound up ahead. An inhuman… or unpony sound, like the chittering of shelled wings. Your hand reaches down and grasps the handle of your trusty Homes Smell Ya Later. That really is an inconvenient title, isn’t it?
>Vantas: Investigate sound
You peek around the corner and oh fuck there’s bugs everywhere oh god oh fuck oh god oh god fuck fuck fuck
>Be Jack Noir.
Damn good idea that one. But your name isn’t Jack. What is a Jack anyway?
>State name and rank.
You are Hive Lord Noir of the Chrysalis Hive. Your duty is making sure that every damn bug does their damn job. It’s not the most pleasant job. And you hate the paperwork. That is simply the worst.
At this point, however, the job is not simply the worst, and this is of course because you are currently participating in your favorite part- disciplining the bugs who do not do their damn job. They messed up and now they’ve got to suffer.
>Noir: Discipline damn bugs
Here you have a couple fellows who couldn’t mind their own business and just do their work. Nope, these bugs took it upon themselves to schedule an extra coffee break. You’re so blown away by their intense rebelliousness that you can barely stand on your own four legs.
>Noir: Listen to their pleas for mercy
You don’t have the time to listen to these grubs apologize. You’re a busy bug with your own concerns and contingencies to worry about. You jab your hoof in the direction of their punishment, ignoring their pleas for reprieve.
>Changelings: Don silly hats
Yes. This will teach those sorry pawns. You allow yourself something vaguely resembling a smile as the bugs are forced to humiliate themselves with ridiculously colorful hats. They look like garish harlequins and it is amazing.
>Noir: Stop being Noir
OK. You are now once again Vantas, and having recovered from your out of body experience brought upon by the shocking appearance of changelings in ridiculously colorful hats, you wonder what you should do. A cunning strategy is in order, some great plan to outwit these bugs and escape the confines of this hive-
>Vantas: Rush blindly in
Well, that works too. None of the changelings are facing your way when you attack. You rush the first one.
VANTAS PUNCH!!!
The unsuspecting insect goes flying across the cavern. He goes sliding across the ground, flips into the air, spins, thuds back down, slides some more, before plopping to a stop. Wow.
A second bug leaps to attack you. You swing your Homes Smell Ya… your sickle, and cleave the changeling’s head clean from its body, which would probably hurt if it weren’t so dead. A third bug decides it doesn’t want to kill you after all and absconds. And that just leaves-
Woah. This last guy looks threatening. He’s just standing there, glaring at you. He’s bigger than the others, and he’s got a nasty-looking knife held in a telekinetic grip. This seems like a boss fight. You should probably prepare for a boss fight.
>Vantas: Prepare for boss fight
You’re like, woah woah, slow down big fella. We can work this out. Let’s set our weapons down and talk. He says that the time for talking has long since passed. You say wait a minute, if we just stop preparing to kill each other and sit down for a relaxing, nonviolent chat, I’m sure we can settle our differences and avoid this whole unpleasant encounter.
He says it’s far too late for mercy. You just killed a changeling. The paper work he’ll have to submit will be hell.
He’s got to take out his frustration on someone.
>Noir: Summon minions
The tunnels flood with changelings summoned from various odd jobs around the hive to exterminate the intruder.
>Vantas: Draw the connections.
Wait a minute. Big knife, hatred of paperwork, presumably a high position -- is that…
...Jack Noir?
It seems that you are the second one today to call him that ‘jack’ name, and the first was a voice in his head. Or so he says. He demands to know how the hell do you know his name, or what the hell you even are.
======>
You say you’re Kar- wait no. You are not Karkat. You’re just Vantas. And that sickle he sees here? That makes you a Treshsecutioner. He says he’s never heard of a race called Treshsecutioners, and he doubts that it is even a word. You say it’s not a race, it’s a title. So what’s the damn race then, he asks. Troll, you say. He says it’s impossible. Trolls disappeared ages ago. You ask if he’s sure about that. He acknowledges that they did have an annoying tendency to pop up all over the place, but the ponies have taken care of them.
You ask what the fuck he means by ‘taken care of’. He says that the ponies have a damn big statue garden by now. You say oh. Well then.
He says, you know what, this whole thing has been going on for long enough. Hey, everyone. Destroy the intruder.
You say gog dammit!
>Vantas: Abscond.
The strange voice in your head has the right idea. You flee down an empty corridor, your legs flying beneath you to escape the swarm of Changelings buzzing after you. You can’t help but feel that you should’ve dressed as god tier Karkat. At least then you could fly. And use cool blood powers. Whatever that would entail.
Through a series of random-yet-incredibly-fortunate tunnel choices, you suddenly find yourself dashing towards the bright light of the surface, insects almost literally nipping at your heels. You swing your sickle behind you, randomly catching a changeling with its point, as you burst from the hive into some strange forest.
>Vantas: Stop and admire the beauty of nature.
You don’t take the time to stop and admire the beauty of nature as you’re kind of running for your life right now. Changelings continue to pour out of the opening to the hive, chasing you as you flee through the underbrush.
You run a little longer until finally the trees give way and you find yourself on the outskirts of a small village. Ponies all around drop their hay carts and wares and small foals and instead scream their pony heads off as you race through the streets, pursued by a mob of changelings.
You’re running into town square when you pick to glance over your shoulder, see how many changelings you’ve got on your proverbial tail. You’ve got a few, maybe ten or fifteen- not as many as you’d have thought. Well, that’s not to bad, you guess a bunch of them stayed behind when you left the-
You evidently picked the worst time to look behind you as your foot catches on the stonework and you tumble into the town fountain that every town square has. You get up quickly, shaking water off you when the changelings finally catch up.
You’re tackled back into the water by the changeling at the head of the group. Thinking quickly, you tumble through the water until you’re pinning him to the ground. You pull his head up and then slam it back into the fountain with a sickening crunch. The bug goes limp.
Another changeling grabs you from behind. This one hooks it’s legs under your arms and pulls you up into the air. You swing your sickle at the insect, catching it in the side. Its cry of pain signifies this as the perfect time to swing yourself onto its back. Riding the changeling like a horse, you try to urge it forwards. It growls at you and attempts to buck you off. Meanwhile, several more changelings rise into the air, intent on helping their comrade.
Seeing the opportunity for an epic combo, sickle in hand, you slit the bug’s throat. Its wings freeze and it begins to drop. You stand on its back, and leap off towards an incoming insect. Using your sickle like a hook, you catch the other changeling ‘round the neck, decapitating it. You fall, aiming for yet a third changeling. Your momentum turns into an epic drop kick as you slam into this last changeling, driving it to the ground. This is the single most epic thing you’ve ever done.
Two more changelings leap at you. A swift swing of your sickle and they drop, green blood spurting from their wounds. Another two attempt to attack from both sides. Dodging out of the way, the two slam into each other. Two more swipes and they’re down as well.
Only three more changelings remain. One flies up into the air and fires a barrage of green lasers from its horn. You dive behind the fountain, taking cover as the rain of magic chips away at the stone. A second changeling dashes around the corner of the fountain, baring its fangs as it attacks. You plunge the sickle into its chest, then stand up. With the sickle still buried deep within the dead changeling, you swing the weapon, hurling the bug’s corpse at the airborne insect. The two collide mid air, and both crash painfully to the ground.
>Vantas: Wrap this up
It’s time to wrap this up, as now just one changeling remains, looking more and more like he has a much better place to be. He feebly raises a hoof at you.
======>
>Show Dialoglog
Changeling: B-b-behind you…
Vantas: Hmph. Like I’d be dumb enough to fall for tha-
Regal Voice: Halt, monstrous scum!
>Turn around
As a shadow falls over you, you slowly turn around. Floating in the air are the princesses Celestia and Luna, with the multicolored gems of the Elements of Harmony hovering around them. Almost unnoticed, a hand floats by.
======>
>Show Dialoglog
Celestia: We heard word that this town was being attacked. It figures it would be by one of ye.
Vantas: The Princesses with the Elements of Harmony. And here I am in the middle of a destroyed town square, covered in Changeling blood. Fucking wonderful.
Vantas: Do I still have time to make an awesome pose?
End of Interlude 1