//------------------------------// // An unfortunate misunderstanding / Putting the FUN in funeral! // Story: Machinations in the Dark of Celestia's Prophet // by abcd_z //------------------------------// Brave Heart stomped around the castle grounds, yelling and muttering to himself. "That stupid, stupid human!" he said. "Always playing around and joking and making light of everything! Sometimes you have to accept that life sucks! Sometimes you can't have fun or be playful, you have to be somber! Well, I'm somber, and look where it's gotten me!" Unfortunately for Brave Heart, Princess Celestia rounded the corner just in time to hear him yell that he was somber. "You're Sombra?!" Celestia cried, rearing back. "Quickly!" she yelled, running away. "Every pony to arms! King Sombra has returned! The evil king who took over the Crystal Empire is back and he wants to rule Canterlot with an iron hoof!" Brave Heart facehooved. "So this is what Conrad goes through," he muttered to himself. In almost no time at all he faced dozens of castle guards, all arrayed in front of him. Celestia was behind the guards, standing as far away as she could stand and still look like she was bravely facing down King Sombra. One of the guards yelled, "Throw down any weapons you may have and we'll beat up up!" Brave Heart frowned. "Don't you mean, OR we'll beat you up?" he asked. "I know what I said!" Brave Heart sighed. This is too stupid to work, but I don't have any other options. "Look!" Brave Heart yelled, pointing behind the guards. "Behind you!" To Brave Heart's shock (and slight dismay), the guards and Princess Celestia all turned to look in the direction he pointed. When every pony turned back a few seconds later, Brave Heart had disappeared and a nearby bush quivered slightly. "Truly he must be King Sombra!" Celestia said. "No pony but him has such control over shadow magics. Quickly! Spread out! His shadow-form must not be allowed to escape!" For the next half-hour the guards poked the shadows on the ground for any sign of King Sombra. One guard stabbed at the ground under an apple tree, while a whole platoon methodically stabbed the shadow cast by the west side of the castle. No pony thought to check the bushes that had a tail sticking out of one side. -------------------------------------------------- A palace guard addressed Princess Celestia. "I have bad news, princess," he said. "It appears Sombra has escaped." "Curse that fiend! Celestia yelled. Behind her a bush sneezed. "Forgive me, your majesty," another guard said, "but I don't understand. Why didn't you just blast him with your light magic? Shouldn't that have defeated him? Light beats shadow, after all." Princess Celestia hemmed and hawed. "Well, you see, I'd love to, but the last time I faced him in battle, it was a terrible, terrible struggle-" -------------------------------------------------- Celestia pounded on the door of a stone cottage. "Face me, evil King Sombra!" From inside the cottage a voice yelled, "Fuck off!" Celestia slumped against the door, pouting. -------------------------------------------------- "-and I didn't want any of my pony subjects to be hurt in the crossfire if I could avoid it. That's why I stood all the way at the back, while all of you guards stood between me and Sombra. For your own protection." The guard nodded sagely. "That makes sense. Where would he go next?" Celestia thought about this. "The last time he was here he took over the Crystal Empire. That must be where he's going again!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive! The foul fiend never learns from his mistakes!" -------------------------------------------------- "I filed a restraining order against you, Celestia," Sombra said from inside his cottage. "But I'm the princess!" Celestia complained. "I decide the laws! You can't file a restraining order on me!" "Apparently I can." A scroll materialized in a flash of light in front of Celestia, who unrolled it and started reading it. "Due to harrassment, blah blah blah, distance no further than blah blah blah, shall be in effect for- A THOUSAND YEARS?!" Inside his cottage Sombra smiled. It had been worth the small fortune he had paid the judge to insert that clause. Now to see if Celestia would honor it. "Very well, Sombra! Not even I, Princess Celestia, am above the law. But know this! When this restraining order has expired, I shall find you again! And I shall rid the world of your eeeeevil!" "Fine! Whatever! Now fuck off!" A pouting Celestia left Sombra's estate. -------------------------------------------------- "Very well, Princess Celestia!" the enthusiastic guard said. "I shall mobilize a small battalion of our forces, led by you, our great and glorious leader! We shall face this dark creature and strike down his evil! Even if he crushes our entire army, even if he causes you unbearable pain through his dark arts, even if he seals you away for a thousand years in a hell-dimension of pain and suffering, even if-" "Ah, private?" Princess Celestia interrupted. "Yes?" "As much as I would love to handle this myself, I think that this is something that would be best handled by Princess Twilight Sparkle." "Are you sure?" the guard asked. "We would gladly lay our life on the line for such a noble cause." "Well, you see, the thing about that is... I wouldn't." "What?" "Er, I mean, I wouldn't want to trouble you and your forces. After all, the Crystal Empire is so far away..." "I swear to you, it wouldn't be any trouble at all!" "And it's so cold in the Crystal Empire! Wouldn't you prefer to stay here where it's nice and warm?" "We would gladly face the cold weather if it means taking down a monster like Sombra! And besides," he continued conspiratorially, "I heard it's actually getting warmer there now that the Crystal Heart is up and running." Princess Celestia looked at the guard in annoyance. "Oh, fuck this," she said, and zapped the guard with a spell. "We are going to stay here and let Twilight Sparkle handle the problem," Celestia said. "We are going to stay here and let Twilight Sparkle handle the problem," the guard echoed. Celestia walked away and sighed. Honestly, good help is so hard to find. -------------------------------------------------- Pinkie Pie stifled her laughter. "Pinkie!" Twilight shouted. "This is a very serious matter and nothing to joke about." Brave Heart nodded solemnly. "You're absolutely right, miss Twilight Sparkle." Brave Heart wore a black, button-up shirt, slacks, black shoes, and a party hat, and he had in his hand a plastic novelty noise-maker. Brave Heart continued, "This is nothing to make light of. Don't you agree, Not-Gary?" Not-Gary was dressed similarly, but instead of a party hat he was wearing a propeller beanie, thick coke-bottle glasses, and a set of false buck teeth. "I agree with you wholeheartedly," Not-Gary said sincerely. "A beloved of Equestria has passed away, and the situation calls for the utmost solemnity." Not-Gary blew his novelty noise-maker. *phwee!* Pinkie Pie fell down and laughed her ass off, pounding the ground. "See, Pinkie?" Twilight said. "These nice stallions understand, why can't you?" Pinkie Pie just laughed even harder. Exasperated, Twilight threw her hooves in the air and left. ------------------------------------------------ Not-Gary chuckled. "Sorry, Rainbow, but I'm not the sort of person who settles down, 'ya know?" "No, no, that's totally cool. Did you know we have, um, herds here?" "Herds?" Not-Gary asked. "Yeah, yeah, totally. Like, you can get a bunch of mares and have open relationships and stuff. One guy, lots of girls. That's what guys are into, right?" Applejack frowned. "Now wait just a minute, sugar," she said. "I don't recall ever hearing anything about no herds-" Rainbow Dash grabbed Applejack and dragged her down, whispering in her ear, "I haven't gotten laid in over a year. Do not fuck this up for me!" Rainbow Dash grabbed Not-Gary's arm and practically dragged him away. "Let's go for a walk," Rainbow Dash said with a strained smile on her face. Not-Gary amusedly waved goodbye to Applejack as he was dragged away. -------------------------------------------------- Not-Gary sat on the ground next to Pinkie Pie. Brave Heart stood a few paces away, watching the bonfire and the ponies milling around it. "He may seem like an idiot," Not-Gary said, "but I promise you that he is one of the most insightful, clever people I have ever known. And I'm not just saying that because he's my brother. He- Are you eating paste?" Brave Heart looked up, a can of paste in his hand. "Maybe," he mumbled through a mouth full of paste. "Where did you even get that? You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter. Give me that." "Nuh-uh." "Don't make me get up there and take it from you." "Nuh-uh! Ith good!" ------------------------------------------------- Not-Gary rolled a large barrel down the street, stopping it in front of the large bonfire. He set it on its side and opened a spout on the side, drawing cups of foamy liquid for ponies to drink. "What's that?" some pony asked. "Scumble," Not-Gary replied. "It's made with apples. Well, mostly apples." "Whooee, that sounds delicious, pardner!" Applejack called. "I could use some nice apple cider." "Well, it's kind of like cider..." Not-Gary said unconvincingly. Applejack grabbed a cup and drained the entire thing. "Whoooee!" she yelled. "That's got some kick to it! What did you say this was called?" And then Applejack collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Not-Gary watched her dispassionately. "Lightweight," he muttered. ------------------------------------------------- The Next Day: Well this is just embarrassing, Conrad thought to himself. Somebody had taken a perfectly good treehouse and built a cardboard facade around it. It looked like somebody had taken a marker to some cardboard and drew a pattern of bricks all along the surface but got distracted halfway through. Right in the middle somebody had painted the word "CASTLƎ" in large red letters. Conrad reached out and touched the facade. Yup, cardboard. Shaking his head, Conrad knocked at the door. Less than a minute later Spike answered the door. "Hey, Conrad!" Spike yelled happily. "What's up?" "I just stopped by to make sure Twilight was okay. If I had been there I never would have let my brother bring out that scumble in the first place, so I feel like it's my responsibility to check up on every pony who had some." "Hey yeah," Spike said, "where were you last night, anyways?" "Um..." -------------------------------------------------- Pinkie Pie snuggled against Conrad's stomach. "Oh, my God," Conrad said, enjoying the warmth and softness, "you ponies are amazingly snugglable. How about you, Rose, you doing okay?" Rose snuggled against Conrad's backside and made an adorable mewling noise. "Best funeral ever," Conrad said with a smile. Conrad slowly drifted off to sleep. -------------------------------------------------- "I had other stuff to take care of." -------------------------------------------------- Twilight Sparkle clutched her head in agony. Oh God, she thought. Oh god, oh, god, oh god, the pain, the freaking pain. Twilight cracked one eye open and saw a spear of light shining through the window. Through the glass she saw the sun slowly rise over the treetops, slowly but inexorably brightening her room. On any other day Twilight would have appreciated the scenic view. Today, however, she just whimpered in pain and burrowed into her bedding. "Spike," she rasped. She licked her dry lips and cleared her throat. Her mouth felt gummy. "Spike," she feebly called. Twilight Sparkle poked her head out from under the blanket and looked around. Spike was nowhere to be seen. Sitting on the nightstand next to her bed was a clear bottle of water, two small white pills, and a note. The note read, "Take these pills for the pain. Sorry about my brother. -Conrad" Twilight stared at the note, then took the pills and drank the water before slowly sliding back into the bedding. The door opened and Spike walked through. "Morning, Twilight!" he yelled. "How-" That's as far as he got before Twilight threw a pillow directly into his face, knocking him backwards. "Shhhhhhhh," Twilight said from underneath the blankets. "Sun hurts. Head hurts. Don't talk loud. Shhhhhhhh." Spike nodded uncertainly. "Oh, um, sorry then," he said at a lower volume. "I was just wondering if you were okay. You know, after yesterday?" "Af'er... yes'er'ay?" Twilight mumbled. She frowned. What had she been doing yesterday? ------------------------------------------------------ Twilight danced on the table at her home, a lampshade on her head, her friends laughing and cheering her on. "Celestia can just kiss my flank!" she yelled. "Woooo! Go Twilight!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "I don't know what's in this stuff but I LOVE IT!" Twilight yelled. And then she passed out. -------------------------------------------------- Twilight whimpered. -------------------------------------------------- Twilight Sparkle slowly made her way downstairs. Sitting at the table were Spike and a 6-foot tall clothed bipedal hairless creature. The creature looked up at Twilight. "Ah, there you are," it said with a smile. "I hope you don't mind us waiting for you. There's some toast here for you if you want it, and a pitcher of water for you. Trust me when I say your body needs it right now." Twilight made her way to the table and sat down. "Thanks," she mumbled. "Don't mention it." Twilight, Spike, and Conrad ate in silence. "This is going to sound like a dumb question," Twilight said, "but do I know you?" "Yes," Conrad said. Twilight waited for an elaboration, but none was forthcoming. "Okay," she eventually said. The three sat at the table in silence as Twilight ate some toast and drank some water. "You were right, I do feel a little better," Twilight said. Conrad chuckled. "Believe me, this is not the first time I've had to treat one of my brother's scumble-induced hangovers." Spike belched and a scroll appeared. "Twilight, you've got a letter from the Princess." Twilight groaned. "Just read it to me," she said. "Dearest Twilight Sparkle, a situation has arisen that requires your personal hoof. King Sombra has arisen once more, and we have reason to believe he is headed for the Crystal Empire. Please gather your friends and take care of this for me. I'd do it myself, but I just had my hooves polished and can't do a thing with them. -Princess Celestia" Twilight Sparkle groaned. -------------------------------------------------- Many years ago: Luna sorted through a pile of paperwork on her desk. Lounging on a couch in the same room, Celestia played with a yo-yo. "Celestia," Luna said, inspecting one of the sheets of paper, "do you know why we aren't allowed to go to the Crystal Empire any more? It says something here about a restraining order." "Nay, sister, it must be King Sombra's foul influence at work! He has sealed the entire Crystal Kingdom away for the next THOUSAND YEARS!" Luna rolled her eyes. "Whatever."