//------------------------------// // Gonna Take Y'all to the Woodshed // Story: Ynanhluutr // by Imploding Colon //------------------------------// “Okay, Twilight...” Rainbow panted, zipping left and right past aluminum partions and through narrow iron archways. Spiraling like a corkscrew, she burst through a pair of gasping guards and emerged upon the sunlit expanse of Rust. “Which way did they go?!” “I'm sensing them above us!” Twilight stammered. “Uhm... three o'clock... about thirty degrees from the y axis—” “Huh?!?” Rainbow blurted. “Up!” Twilight yelped, causing Rarity to cover her ears. “Just fly up! Up!” “Gotcha!” FWOOOSH! Rainbow rocketed into the clouds. Dozens of local pedestrians tilted their heads up, watching with wide eyes. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy...” Echo bit his lip, his dark coat turning green. “...all that coral's starting to bubble up n-now...” “You'd better not do what I think yer gonna do, buddy!” Bard hollered, gripping the sarosian's shoulders as he followed Wildcard's ascending path into the upper troposphere. “Just stay in one piece 'til we drop you off at the Southern Hoof.” His brow furrowed. “Plus, this here hat ain't stain-proof.” “Urp!” Echo's sickly eyes crossed. “...no... pr-promises...” “Oh terrific.” Bard rolled his eyes and looked ahead at his partner's tail-feathers. “Hey! Dubya-Cee! Trade ya! Whaddya say?” With a mute groan, Wildcard looked down behind them. Something bright glinted off his black lenses, and he gasped. Spinning around, the griffon gestured wildly at the pegasus. “What are ya blabbin' on about?!” Bard spat. “You know the drill! We deliver, we collect, and then we—” PHWOOOOOSH! A spectral blur shot past Bard, and he blinked. “...skedaddle.” THWACK! A blue figure slammed into Wildcard, sent the griffon reeling into the clouds, backflipped off, and descended towards Bard like an anvil. Bard braked in mid-air, gripping Echo as his eyes reflected Rainbow's descending sneer. “Hoooooo boyo...” He grinned stupidly into violent shadow. “...this is gonna hurt, ain't it?” WHAMMM! With labored breaths, Theanim Mane galloped out into the sunlight. All around him, ponies were trotting in tight circles, murmuring curiously about the figures that just sped past them. “If I may have your attention!” he hollered, gulping. “Have any of you seen a talking rainbow streak past here?!” The citizens merely glared at him. He frowned. “Honestly! It's not like I'm asking if the sky's rained—” “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” SPLOOSH! Bard's body plunged into the canals, soaking Theanim and several other nearby onlookers. Theanim winced, his body covered from head to toe in dirty moisture. “...livin' stallions. Verlaxion's sleet...” Before he could so much as gaze at the floundering figure, Rainbow Dash dropped down, landing nimbly with a dazed Echo sprawled across her backside. “Miss Dash!” Theanim gasped. Rainbow panted... panted... then propped Echo up beside herself. “Theanim, we need to make ourselves scarce.” “By the Queen's Strings!” He smiled wide. “You got him! Echo, are you alright, old chap?” “Somepony stop the diarrhea train,” the sarosian gargled. “I wanna get off...” “Whew!” Theanim cooed, ears drooping. “For a second there I was worried.” “Rainbow, we cannot tarry!” Rarity said. “Right.” Rainbow nodded. “Doc, I heard these guys name drop the Southern Hoof.” “Bounty hunters...” Theanim murmured. “Echo isn't safe in Rust. We gotta figure out how to—” Just then, Echo's ears twitched, and he stood rigidly. “Buck me sweetly, Mistress Midnight.” “Huh?!” “Rainbow!” Twilight's voice cracked. “Look out—” Rainbow's hearing was already pierced by a loud whistling sound. She turned around to see a pair of dark goggles sailing straight at her. WHUMP! Wildcard plowed right into her gut, shoving her past several gasping pedestrians until the two landed against a store-front. The griffon anchored is tail to a support beam, and he sent Rainbow flying into the glass window. SHATTER! Beak's nostrils flaring, he spun around and skittered towards where Echo lay. Theanim marched forward, sticking out his chest and frowning. “Now see here, Mister, this is as far as you g—” Without breaking his stride, Wildcard's tail yanked Theanim up off the platform and flung him into a fish market's meaty trough. “D'oh!” Crash! Theanim went sprawling amidst a shower of trout guts and fish-heads. The griffon's talons clasped Echo's cloak and dragged him to the edge of the platform. “Eeugh...” the sarosian dizzily flailed. “...didn't we just finish this stinkin' dance?” “Ughhh...” Rainbow pulled herself out of the shattered storefront, then broke into a limping gallop. “Echo! For Celestia's sake! Fly away... or something!” “I... c-can't!” Echo wheezed. “Huh?!” “Can't fly—mfmmmmfff!” The pony's slitted eyes went wide as Wildcard slapped a gag over his mouth and prepared to leap off the platform's edge. “Oh no you don't! Rainbow sprinted towards the scene— —only to have a wet, dripping cowcolt in a black stetston slide into place between them. “Back off, yodelmancer,” Rainbow snarled. “It needs bein' said, I dun fancy hittin' mares,” Bard said with a smirk. He tipped a soaking hat and reached back for his canvas case. “Reckon I can make an exception for talkin' lightning bolts with purdy eyes.” “Whaddya gonna do?” Rainbow grinned bitterly. “Serenade me to death with your stupid guitar?!” “Heh... sure thang...” Bard's left wing pulled out a black metal stick. He gave the instrument a tiny jerk. Th-Thwick! And it extended into a four foot staff. Clak-clak-clakka! “Why dun ya tune it up for me?” He rushed forward, jabbing. “Ooomff!” Rainbow wheezed, struck hard in the chest. Bard twirled the staff with his wings, spun it around his neck, then swung it skyward in a savage uppercut. CLANG! Rainbow's body went airborne. “Nnngh!” Bard pivoted sideways, bucking Rainbow's figure with a mighty hoof to the ribs. Theanim finally pulled himself out of the pile of fish. He looked over. “...oh criminy—” WHAM! He and Rainbow Dash went sprawling across the litter-strewn platform. “Whew!” Bard shouldered his weapon and struck a pose with two bent wings gripping the length of the staff. He winked, smiling. “How 'bout givin' me a holler the next time ya move out of Concussion Town?” He blew a kiss, kicked backwards, and flew after his feathered companion. “Dubya-Cee! Hold up!” Theanim Mane sat up, rubbing his skull. While gawking ponies looked on, he helped Rainbow up to her hooves. “Miss Dash... oh, you poor thing! How ungentlecoltly of them! Did they hurt you badly?” “Mrmmff-mrmmmfff!” Rainbow gagged, then spat out a limp wet haddock. Wiping her muzzle, she smirked with bleeding gums. “Heh... you kidding?” Her eyes glinted. “I'm awake now.” “Please, before you consider drastic measures—” FWOOSH! Theanim growled, stomping his hoof. “At least try and think up new tactics!” “Tell them that!” Rainbow hollered, already sailing a rusted block away. “Twilight?” “Uhm...” Twilight fidgeted in mid-air. “They're about level with us, three streets to the east.” “Goodness!” Rarity clung to Twilight. The two spectres dipped through several walls and buildingtops as they dangled after Rainbow Dash. “Perhaps these ruffians have learned not to take to the skies anymore!” “They'll have to consider new job occupations soon,” Rainbow snarled, glaring ahead as she dipped into the wet canals of Rust. “Bet it's super friggin' tough singing without tongues or teeth.” “Rainbow,” Twilight began, “I know you're angry, but so long as we get out of this with Echo in one piece—” “Nothing's written that says whose skin he'll be wearing.” “Seriously, Rainbow,” Twilight stammered. “Nopony doubts that you can take these creeps to town and back—” “I won't be doing nothing unless I know where they are!” Rainbow glared aside. “So how 'bout it?” “Erm...” Twilight pointed immediately to the left. Rainbow blinked. “For real?” “Mmmhmmm.” Rainbow cracked the joints in her neck and pivoted sideways, plunging towards a series of boarded-up buildingfronts. “Might cause saddle stains...” “Oh dear!” Rarity covered her ghostly eyes. “I shan't look!” Pedestrians gasped and ducked as two mercenaries soared low, skimming over their twitching ears. Like twin missiles, the Desperadoes threaded a narrow strip of canals and waterways. “Whew-wee!” Bard exhaled, using the brisk wins to dry his mane and tail. “Didja see how fast that lil' missy moved?!” Dragging Echo with one talon, Wildcard flicked a few gestures with his metal arm. “Well, ya dun have to bite my head off 'bout it!” Bard frowned. “I'm just sayin', if we had a mare that darn fast back in the Wyvern Willows, we'd have outrun those assassins in a heartbeat!” “Mrmmf-rmmmffff!” Echo flinched in Wildcard's grip. “Oh keep it in, ya varmint,” Bard slurred. “The ocean's the biggest toilet there is, and it'll be a long... long trip to Mud Top.” He sighed happily. “Shucks... I can just smell the smoked catfish already. How 'bout you, partner?” Wildcard turned his head to glance back— SMASSSSH! Rainbow burst through the thin, brittle walls to their right. “OH YEAH!” She slammed into Wildcard, plowing the two of them into a wobbling wooden platform below. “...!!!” Bard twirled twice in his effort to stop in mid-air. He looked down with a pale, sickly grin. “Awwwww hell naw...”