//------------------------------//
// Chapter 26: Welcome to the Pony Club 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

	“Are ya sure ya don’t need a hoof there, sugarcube?” Applejack watched Wits End as he lined up ingredients for breakfast. “Ah know a thing or two about cookin’ on a campfire.”
“I’ll be fine,” Wits End responded calmly. “I’ve had to cook on a wood-burning stove at least three times a year for around fifteen years. Pass me a pan, and I’ll cook us up some mean grub.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow, but passed the cast-iron skillet none the less. She glanced over at where Twilight was sleeping, curled up in a nest of books. “Ah just don’t want ya to mess up breakfast for yer special somepony there.”
“Oh for the love of…” Wits End turned his head to face the smirking pony. “How many times do I have to say ‘I’m not romantically interested in Twilight Sparkle’ before you drop it already?”
“Well, partially Ah’m payin’ you two back for turnin’ the defence of Roads Crossed into a personal contest.”
One side of Wits End’s mouth turned down slightly. “That turned out just fine.”
“An’ the other part is that Ah don’t believe you. You’re the only pony Ah’ve seen who’s even hinted at bein’ lovey dovey with somepony, and ya ain’t given me any sign that ya like anypony else.”
Wits End sighed. “If I tell you who else I like, will you drop the matchmaker bit?”
“Ah promise.”
“Pinkie promise?”
Now it was Applejack’s turn to sigh. “Cross mah heart an’ hope to fly, stick a cupcake in mah eye.” She finished by placing a hoof over her eye. “Now, spill.”
“You.”
Applejack blinked. “What?”
Wits End set the sizzling pan to one side, turning to focus completely on the confused farmpony. “Ever since I first saw you outside of town, I thought you were the most beautiful pony I’d ever seen. It was like seeing the innocence and unconditional love of a filly, with a body that would cause a fine marble statue to blush in jealousy.”
“Ah- Ah-” Applejack felt her cheeks flush red at the mint-colored unicorn’s confession.
“But how cruelly fate toys with us,” Wits End breathed, leaning in so close that Applejack could see every detail in his intense blue-green eyes, “for when I look at you, I am only a kid myself. My heart races because I’ve discovered love for the first time.”
Applejack’s heart was caught in her throat. “R-really?” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
Wits End moved closer, the warmth of his breath on her neck. “And that’s why you don’t mess with someone who reads shōjo in his spare time.”
A moment of dead silent passed. Applejack pulled back slightly, seeing the massive grin on the unicorn’s face. “That was mean,” she managed eventually.
“And breakfast is ready,” Wits End returned, sliding fried eggs onto plates. “Let the princess know, if you please?”
Applejack turned away, shaking her head to clear her mind. “So ya don’t got any special somepony, Ah take it.”
Wits End shrugged. “Rarity’s mane is nice. That’s about as far as I go.”
“Fair enough.” The orange farmpony shrugged and trotted over to the sleeping purple alicorn.
Once Applejack was facing the other way, Wits End let out the breath he’d been holding ever since he started his faux confession. Didn’t know I could do that, he thought with a small smile, wiping down the pan with a rag. I’d make a good host. Still, I never would have even thought about doing that before this game started. He sighed, watching Twilight rub the sleep from her eyes. Now, if I could use this as a skill? I might be able to convince a dragon to be my mount or something.
“Something smells good,” Twilight muttered, brushing a ruffled strand of mane hair out of her face as she sat down nearby.
“No-pony fries an egg like Wits End,” Wits End said, switching mental gears as he slid a plate toward her. “Eat up. We’ve got a lot of books to go through.”
“I know,” Twilight said with a grin. “I can’t wait. How often do you get to read books from another universe?”
Wits End glanced at the saddle bag that held the rulebook Discord had given Twilight. “Not every day, that’s for sure. Where should we start? One end to the other? Or go by se- Don’t forget to breath every so often.”
Twilight looked up from her plate, flecks of egg yolk and butter on her face from vacuuming down the meal. “Hmm?”
“...Never mind. Eat, then we’ll talk.”


* * *


“Ah’ll be the first to admit,” Applejack said with a contented sigh, “ya’ll can make a mean breakfast.”
“It’s nice to see my skills are appreciated,” Wits End said with a smile. He picked up the dishes and pan, turning toward the door. “There was a stream a little ways back up the path. I’ll go wash these off. You two can get a head start on the reading.” He stopped at the door, nudging it open with a back hoof. “Remember, we’re leaving tomorrow. Try and find stuff that’ll help us not die horribly.”
Twilight and Applejack watched as he disappeared from sight; the purple alicorn taking note of the way he’d winked at Applejack before rounding the corner. “Did I miss something?”
Applejack tried to keep herself from replaying the memory of what had happened before Twilight woke up. “Nothin’. Ah asked him if he had a special somepony, an’ he played me like a fiddle at a hoedown.”
“Oh? I wish I’d been awake for that.”
“Glad ya weren’t,” the orange pony muttered.
“Well, I’ve got the perfect plan to find out what he’s been hiding.” Twilight crossed over to the cart, rummaging through until she found a black bottle. “Here we go!”
Applejack joined the purple pony, reading the red text on the label. “K.K. Cider… When’d ya buy this?”
Twilight grinned. “Right before we left. I figured we could drink it when everypony met up again. Or if we found a really, really good book.” Her grin widened. “We use this to get Wits End to spill the beans.”
“Twi, Ah don’t think we should hit’m with a bottle ‘til he talks.”
“Wha-” Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she understood the farmpony’s reasoning. “Applejack, do you remember yesterday when I said we needed to be subtle?”
“Sure do!”
“We going to get him drunk so he’ll talk to us.”
Applejack thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, that’ll work too.”
Twilight slide the bottle back into its hiding place. “Wits is right about one thing; we don’t have forever in this library. We’ll spring the plan with dinner. For now, let’s get reading!”


* * *


The day passed without any real excitement. The sun was on its way down toward the horizon by the time the three ponies met back up in the lobby. “So,” Twilight said cheerfully, pulling a bowl filled with stew closer, “what’d everypony find?”
“Well, the lay of th’ land looks pretty much like Equestria’s,” Applejack said, ladling out bowl for herself. “Ah found a book of maps. It don’t look like there’s anythin’ too crazy. Just yer standard grasslands, desert, forest, jungle…”
“Ice world, fire world, boss,” Wits End cut in, finishing with a series of guttural bass noises that sounded something like ‘untz untz untz’.
Twilight raised an eyebrow at the unicorn. “And what about you?”
Wits End shrugged. “Pretty standard RPG world fair from my end too. There’s a bunch of different kingdoms, duchies, counties, baronies, Pekingese, trapeze…” He forced a yawn, covering his mouth dramatically. “I expected more from Discord than this.”
“Hmm.” Twilight sighed. “To be honest, that’s the impression I got too. All of the ponies in the books I read have really obvious names. Like Penny Pincher, Heartbreaker, Holdfast-”
“Holdfast?” Wits End interrupted.
“You know about him?”
The mint-colored unicorn shook his head. “No, it just sounds like a really obvious name for a villain.” He screwed up his face into a scowl. “I’m the tyrant Holdfast,” he said in a deep growl before relaxing back into his normal expression. “I guess Discord didn’t put a whole lot of thought into the backstory of this place.”
“Ah’m sure there’s some sorta twist,” Applejack offered. “It’s not like Discord to be borin’, after all.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Twilight said, glancing back at the cart. “In any case,” she continued, lifting the bottle of cider out, “I think we should celebrate!”
Wits End raised an eyebrow. “Celebrate what? Mediocre storytelling?”
“No. The fact that we’re in a completely different world! This is a place that doesn’t exist anywhere else! We can celebrate that at least.” She shot a look at Applejack.
“Y-yeah, Twi! Ah mean, none of us’ve been to another world before.” Applejack though for a moment. “Well, aside from ya goin’ through the mirror to-”
“Anyway!” Twilight interrupted, pouring three glasses of the deep tan liquid and passing them out to the assembled ponies. “A toast to a whole new world!”
After a moment, Wits End shrugged and took the glass. “Oh, what the heck,” he muttered. “To a new, fantastic point of view, then.”


* * *


“A whole new world we live in,” the curled ball under the blue cloak half sung, half muttered. “A whole new way t’see~”
Applejack leaned closer to Twilight, a slight red tint to both pony’s faces from the cider. “Twi, how much has he had?”
Twilight shrugged, glancing at the empty bottle on the ground between them. “I dunno. Half the bottle?”
“Oh boy…”
Twilight cleared her throat, focusing through the buzz. “Wits?”
“A whole new place, with a brand new- Huh?” The mint-colored pony’s head popped out from under the cloak; a dumb grin plastered on his face. “Right ‘ere!”
“I was wondering about your… Your… “ Twilight waved her hoof, trying to remember the word.
“Cutie mark,” Applejack finished. “We were wonderin’ about why ya didn’t have one.”
Wits End made a dismissive noise. “I ain’t got no cutie mark ‘cause I don’t need no cutie mark!”
Twilight’s eyebrows raised. “Really?”
“Listen, listen.” Wits End shook the cloak off, poking a forehoof at the two mares. “Listen. Cutie marks tell you want you’re good at, right? I don’t need nothin’ tellin’ me what I’m good at. I do what I enjoy. I do th’ things that make me happy. If I ain’t good at’m, I get better by practice. I don’t need a picture on my butt to tell me that.”
Twilight thought for a moment. “Wow.”
“Ah’m gonna have to remember that for Applebloom when we get back,” Applejack muttered.
Wits End sat up straight, bouncing slightly. “Come on, ask me more questions. This is fun.”
“Well, uh…” Twilight tapped her chin. “What about your friends? They seem…”
“Weird?” Wits End offered. “Like nerds? Socially awkward nerds?”
“I wouldn’t say that…”
Wits End shrugged. “I would. We’re a bunch of nerds.” He mimed strong forelegs, posing dramatically. “Purple Heart looks like th’ strong, silent type, but really he’s just a gentle giant kinda guy. You get’m pointed in a direction, and he’ll go do it with what could be misconstrued as a stern expression.” He waved a hoof dismissively. “But really, he’s like a lamb that works out. I bet he’d even let Fluttershy beat’m.”
He thought for a moment before continuing. “Light Patch likes to pretend t’be a big evil overlord, but when you get down to it, he’s too nice t’even get close. Sure, he might try and freak you out by talking, but he’s all bark. Like a chihuahuahuuauahahahah~” Wits End shook his head. “Never can tell how many of those there are. I’m sure Pinkie Pie’s more of a threat than he is.”
“An’ what about you?” Applejack asked, resting her chin on one hoof.
“Me?” Wits End chuckled, leaning back slightly. “I’m not deep. I voice opinions when I have’m, and I always have’m. I try t’make ponies laugh, I lie when it’s funny, I do what seems like fun…” He trailed off.
Twilight watched his eyes glaze over. “Wits?”
The mint-colored unicorn jerked awake. “WARK. I mean, what? I’m awake. Hi.”
“When we were back in Roads Crossed, you wanted to say something after we left the barracks.” Twilight glanced away. “What… what was it?”
Wits End blinked. “I did?”
“...Yes, you did.”
“Was I there for it?”
“Yes, you were! You got all close, and then Purple Heart interrupted and you never mentioned it again. What was it?”
Wits End thought for a while. “Oh, th’ thing!”
Twilight nodded. “Yes, the thing.”
“...What about th’ thing?”
A vein throbbed on the purple pony’s forehead. “What. Was it. That. You wanted. To say?”
“Ohhhhhhhh.” Wits End nodded. “You had a stick.”
Twilight blinked. “What.”
“A stick.” Wits End pulled the cloak back around him like a blanket. “You had one.” He nodded toward his rump. “It was stuck in your tail.”
Twilight’s eyebrows raised even higher. “What?”
“I noticed it when we were walkin’ out. I was gonna mention it, but Purple Heart was all ‘Hrr mrr, link us up’, and I didn’t wanna embarrass you in front of him, so I stole it.”
“You what?”
“Straight up thief’d it. Check it out.” He reached inside his cloak, retrieving a thin brown-ish branch. “Here. It’s yours if you want it.”
Twilight took the branch, investigating it closely. After a moment, her expression turned to one of irritation. “Oh for the love of Celestia…”
“What’s up, Twi?” Applejack asked, looking at the branch.
“Do you remember Discord’s letter? That his letter was like an olive branch, and that he’d send a real one later?”
Applejack’s face scrunched up as she tried to remember. “It sounds familiar…”
Twilight held up the branch. “This is a wand. It’s made from an olive tree. This is one big joke by Discord.”
“Olive tree and alicorn hair,” Wits End mutter sleepily. “Nine inches, pleasantly whippy. Th’ wand chooses the pony…” He slumped slowly over with a slight snore.
Applejack yawned. “Well, he’s out like a light. We should call it a night too, Twi.”
“Yeah,” Twilight felt herself getting tired. “I just need to check in with the others.” She thought for a moment about who to contact first before settling. She turned her focus toward Rainbow Dash.
Twilight frowned. For some reason, it felt like the connection wasn’t going through. She got the same feeling when she tried to connect to Pinkie Pie. With a feeling of dread starting to build in her, she focused on the last member of that party. “Light Patch? Are you there?”
“I’m a little busy at the moment,” Light Patch somehow yelled, putting an odd gravely inflection to it. “Fighting a golem and I’m doing something incredibly stupid and probably about to die horribly. Everypony else is okay though. Talk to you later.”
“Wha- Light Patch?” Twilight felt the connection close, and was unable to reconnect. She frowned, wondering if they should gallop to their rescue. After a moment of internal debate, she decided to trust that no-pony would get themselves hurt. She turned her attention to the other party. “Rarity? How are you doing?”
“Not so good, darling,” the white unicorn replied. “We got captured by some bandits while helping a pony find her princess.”
“That doesn’t sound good. Do you need us to come help you?”
“I’m not sure. Purple Heart got knocked unconscious and they’re taking us to this pony called ‘Boomer’ to ‘entertain’ him. I’ll give you an update next time and I’ll tell you if we need help then.”
“Be careful…”
“We’ll try, dear. Good bye.”
Twilight closed the connection with a sigh. “Well, everypony seems significantly less okay than they were yesterday-” She looked around. Applejack was stretched out on the floor, hat over her face. Wits End was curled up in ball like a cat in his cloak, one foreleg draped over his muzzle. “I guess we couldn’t go save anypony if we had to…”