"Welcome to the sixth program of Discord Underground Talk Radio, hosted by the Lord of Chaos that everypony thinks is taking a joke too far! If you haven't figured it out by now, that's me, Discord!
"Everypony is talking about it! And, to be perfectly honest, ponies are getting pretty mad about it. I am referring to none other than that gigantic dragon in the night sky, of course! The day after my previous broadcast, Princess Luna declared that the whole thing was nothing more than an April Foals joke.
"But it's not! I'm afraid I must inform you that the Princess of the night is lying to you to try to keep everypony calm. The dragon threat is very real I'm afraid. But ponies everywhere have decided that it is nothing more than a hoax, an illusion created by myself in attempt to scare them for chaotic fun! Ask yourselves, is that really something that I would do?
"In the later half of today's program, one of Equestria's leading scientists will attempt to prove the impossibility of the dragon's existence. However, until then, the topic will not be discussed further, as we have many questions to get through today.
"The next letter has three questions for me. They are as follows: 'Discord. Snowflakes or webs? Also, when you do something do you prefer to make it somehow work with the established rules of reality and make it incredibly beautiful chaotic and complex or just use "screw it, it's magic"? Finally plasma or pillow stuffing?'
"The answer to the first question is snowflakes. I really don't like spider webs. Every time I go for a stroll, I somehow always get a spider web in my face and have to zap them out of existence and make those creepy spiders have to rebuild them all over again. Of course, ponies have been trying to make them stop for ages, but they actually do it because they think it is hilarious to watch ponies flail at apparently nothing out of the blue.
"Snowflakes on the other hand are a work of art, and that is something I can appreciate. Did you know that there is a pony who works in a weather manufacturing plant in Cloudsdale, where they make snow for all of Equestria, and his job is to design snowflakes? It's all designed by one pony! They would give him more ponies to help out, but if they did that, then they would run the risk of two snowflakes accidently being identical, and we all know what a disaster that would be. So, every snowflake in Equestria was designed by the same pony, who stays up night and day to ensure that there are enough unique snowflakes to go around. So, next time it snows in your home town, take a moment to thank that pony working alone in Cloudsdale for making winter possible!
"Now then, question number two. Does my magic conflict with the rules of reality? While magic in general does appear to break numerous laws of physics, it does so using its own set of laws. It is probable that magic does not 'break' any laws of physics at all, and ponykind simply does not yet have the means to understand the relationship between magic and physics. However, chaos magic is much less restricted than other forms of magic and only appears to be constrained by little more than the law of conservation of energy and the user's imagination.
"And so now consider one of my iconic uses of chaos magic, chocolate. I don't actually know what chocolate is composed of, not exactly at least. I know that there is milk and cocoa in it, but I don't know what those things are made of either. But it doesn't matter. I may not be able to tell you what chocolate is made of, but I know it when I see it. And when I use chaos magic to summon chocolate rain clouds, or a chocolate milk shake, or a chocolate sponge cake, I get what I want.
"Of course, because of that law of conservation of energy, expending energy to magically create a chocolate cake is actually somewhat futile. While it does fill one's stomach, it provides no more energy than was used to create it in the first place.
"Hmm, that gives me an idea. Just for you, I will bring this topic up with the scientist I am expecting for the second half of the program. Perhaps she can shed some light on the subject.
"Now, as for your last question, do I prefer plasma or pillow stuffing? Do you actually know what plasma is? It's a substance that has been predicted by science, but is much too dangerous to actually attempt to create. Any significant amount of plasma would burn your face off just being near it, as well as burn a hole into the ground until it all gets used up. I have a little rule, and that rule is 'Don't create things that might kill you.' Just because I am immortal doesn't mean that I am invincible. So, yeah, I think pillow stuffing wins.
"It's funny that you should bring up plasma at this time though. You see, those scientifically minded ponies believe that they have proved that Bahamut the giant space dragon is nothing more than a hoax of my invention because, among other things, there is no way that his stomach could digest the sun, and therefore such a creature could not possibly exist. But some sort of plasma stomach acid stuff could probably do it. We shall have to see what our guest has to say about the matter.
The next letter reads, 'Dear Discord. As one who I assume has seen many other worlds out there, is their anything marginally interesting? Does the multi-verse theory hold any truth?'
"I can confirm that there is at least one other universe other than our own, and quite probably many more. Possibly an infinite amount. These parallel universes seem to be imperfect reflections everything and everypony in Equestria. Everypony has an alternative version of themselves in those universes, albeit with some sort of twist. Unfortunately, actually traveling to these universes is physically impossible.
"Or at least that's what I'm obligated to tell you.
"Now then, the next letter. Ahem. 'Sup Discord. Have you ever met a pony named Derpy Hooves? I think you two would make good friends! She gets picked on a lot for causing lots of chaos and destruction, so having a friend that actually likes that kind of stuff might be a relief for her. Imagine the chaos you two could create... in fact, what kind of chaos would you wish to potentially create with her on your side?'
"Anypony who has known my local mailmare for a significant length of time will see that, while she does seem to cause plenty of problems, they are all completely by accident. A true practitioner of chaos needs to have more self control. Also, she regrets causing problems. But not I. I know exactly what I'm getting myself into every time I execute one of my plans, and even if it fails in the end, it is always worth the fun. So, in other words, I don't even try to learn my lesson. Hey, at least I'm being honest here.
"On to the next question! 'Dear Supreme Executive Chairman Drek- I mean, Discord. Would you rather an army of sentient bananas (who attack with chocolate pudding!) storm Canterlot, or let Pinkie Pie drink liberally sugar-laced coffee and watch what madness unfolds?
"An army of bananas would certainly be random and unexpected, but I'm afraid they probably wouldn't get very far before the guard stops them. I cannot actually create sentient creatures. The best that I could do is manipulate them like puppets, but unless the army is composed of four bananas or less, I couldn't control them all at once.
"As for the Pinkie Pie? She already tries to get her hooves on coffee, but everypony in Ponyville already knows not to let her have any. I have no doubt that she could get some coffee anyway if she really wanted to, but I believe that she would rather respect her friend's wishes. And if I were to slip some to her without her knowing? Impossible. She would know. Although, she might be tempted to drink it anyway...
"I'll think about it.
"The next question is, 'Dear Discord, If you became a professional wrestler with the EWF (Equestrian Wrestling Federation), what would your gimmick be?'
"Unless I use magic to make myself buff, which I am pretty sure is against the rules, I actually not the strongest of ponies. Or at least, part pony. Come to think of it, since ponies generally are only matched against those of another species for special events, I am not certain that I could qualify at all. But assuming that I did?
"Since brute strength isn't my strong point, I would have to go for agility! I would be known as 'The Slithery D'! They may catch all the others, but they won't catch me!
"This pony writes asking multiple questions. 'Dear Discord. Wouldn't it be dreadfully discordant of you to be orderly for a day?'
"While I do agree that I need to be as unpredictable as possible, I consider this a step in the wrong direction. There are still an infinite number of choices for things to do that are unpredictable without resorting to dreadful order.
"The next question in this letter is 'What does air taste like?'
"Do you really need to ask me? Eh, maybe you've lost your taste buds or something. The thing about describing tastes is that there are very few ways to describe a taste without comparing them to other tastes, or smells. The taste of air depends on where you are. In most places, air tastes like the pleasant sensation of being asleep. But in Manehatten, I must say that it tastes more like a nightmare.
"Next is 'What is Celestia's favorite type of cake?'
"Bannana cream cake. It just is.
"Next is 'I saw an orange with frog legs hopping around the other day. It croaked at me. Why would you do this?'
"You know, I don't remember doing that. Either mother nature has suddenly got some rather funny ideas or somepony out there is trying to do my job. I guess I don't mind that much. It sounds like good work.
"The next letter reads, 'Dear Discord, is there any object that reflects Chaos in the world akin to the Tree of Harmony?'
"Well, sort of. There is me. I'm not an object, but neither is the Tree of Harmony. We are both living creatures, it just so happens that I have a brain and am mobile. But there are no 'elements of chaos' if that is what you are asking. I wouldn't want to seal part of my power away in a bunch of gems.
"Next question. 'Dear Discord. I heard that the Everfree Forest Vines were because of you. Whether they were or not, not here to judge, but something came to my mind about that. My twin cousins have some kinda remedy for some kind of 'Poison Joke' in that forest. Already that sounds like it has your name all over it. Not literally since it's missing a 'C' and some other letters, but you know what I mean. So my question is: Was Poison Joke something you made? And if not, does that stuff even effect you?'
"Poison joke is indeed one of my many delightful creations. That does not mean that I am invulnerable to it, however. I'm smart enough to avoid it... most of the time. I won't talk about that one time.
"Annnnyway, moving on... to the next question! 'Dear Discord, in your opinion, how chaotic are each of the Elements of Harmony (and Spike)?'
"I would definitely say that Pinkie Pie is the most chaotic of those six. Rainbow Dash is also admirably chaotic. Just when everything is peaceful, expect her to bring you bad news in the form of a crash. She has some great ideas for pranks. Rarity is also fairly chaotic. If you are a resident of Ponyville, you'll know what I mean. One time she got her hooves on an ancient magical tome and used her newfound power to create some fantastic chaos in the town. Although, apparently it wasn't entirely her doing, but the chaos was still clearly of Rarity's design. Twilight likes to think that she is the most orderly and organized pony around, but that doesn't seem to stop her messing up some spell every other week and creating chaos for everypony. Applejack is probably the least chaotic. She is all business and doesn't mess around. Even when I reversed her personality, she was the least chaotic. She just lied about trivial things, or about things where the truth was blatantly obvious. Spike is something of a two sided coin. At some times, he is the voice of reason, especially to Princess Twilight, who honestly has a bit of a tendency to overreact sometimes. But at other times, being reasonable and logical take a back seat to his primal instincts, such as greed or pride. While this does create valuable chaos, there is something to be said for consistency. But he is still young. He will probably make up his mind one of these days.
"Alright, let's see what the next letter has in store for us! 'Dear Mr. Discord, don't you think its odd that most pony's names are related to their cutie marks?'
"Quite odd indeed. I believe the best explanation is that cutie marks are somewhat hereditary, just like names. The Apple family is definitely the most obvious example that I can think of. Almost all of them have a cutie mark relating to apples in some way. Of course, there are a few of them who do not, so their destiny is not necessarily sealed in stone. Most of them are happy to continue their proud family tradition. As a result, most ponies of the Apple family have an apple cutie mark.
"Although, this doesn't account for ponies that have names that seem to suggest that their parents knew exactly what their cutie mark would be. I honestly have no idea how that happens. All I can figure is that fate has a sense of humor.
"This pony asks, 'Dear Discord. Let say, somehow you have a daughter, a draconequss kit (I found a book saying that young draconequi are called kittens) and you had to name her. What would you name this daughter of yours?
"I'm glad that this is a theoretical question. To be honest, the name would probably mostly be up to the mother. Assuming that the mother is another draconequus that appreciates chaos as I do, I might consider naming her 'Pandamonium'.
"Of course, I would just have to hope that she lives up to her name.
"The next question reads, 'Dear Discord. Have you ever ranted and raged at anypony/anybody if they dismiss/insult/ridicule you and your opinions/beliefs about Chaos in a rude or disrespectful manner?'
"The simple answer is yes. I have, but not because I was actually angry. It actually takes quite a lot for me to really get angry. I don't even get angry when ponies turn me into stone. I get angry afterward that they refuse to give me any company, but nopony can stand that for centuries on end. Ponies who insult and ridicule are creating an invitation for disharmony, which I naturally jump on and add to. I love to argue. It doesn't matter what the argument is about. More than likely, I will take the opposite stance on the subject just to have a good debate. It's all harmless. Unfortunately, too many ponies see 'arguing' as a a 'bad' thing. If there is one thing that truly delights me about Princess Twilight, it is her enthusiasm for a good, chaotic debate. She even wins them most of the time, for which I am rather glad. Arguing loses its appeal when one side is invariably right.
The next question is, 'Dear Discord, could you give everypony super powers? Or is that against the rules too?'
"Sorry, I'm afraid it is.
"But that doesn't mean that I can't help you. You should check out a certain brand of comic books. It won't give you super powers, but you can let yourself 'pretend' that you do. Sorry, that's all I can say about it.
"Ooh, this is an interesting couple of questions! 'Dear Discord, do you ever get scared that everyone will one day die and you'll be left with only yourself as you wait for the universe to end and get lost in the endless void, time slowly killing you and having to live with the madness and pain?... Depressing is it not? Also, why can't we just say everyone, I mean there's not just ponies in the world, and we're always talking about equality and friendship and stuff, but we are acting like species other than ponies don't exist, and even the princess says it! I mean, does she say that to diplomats? Dear god no wonder the dragons and griffins hate us!'
"To answer your first question, I need to make it clear that entropy, a thing closes associated with chaos, is slowly taking over the entire world, and no amount of effort can stop it. Just trying to stop it causes it to spread even faster. While I am immortal, I am not invincible, so it is possible that I won't actually live to see the end. However, there will be a paragon of chaos. Whether it will be me is uncertain, but chaos will always live on. When the end of the universe comes? When the world reaches the epitome of entropy? When there is nothing left to live for?
"Bring it on.
"But that day is a long, long, long time away, and more than likely, I won't be alive to see it. In the meantime, I will be considering how I can bring chaos to you all in the now.
"The answer to your second question is fairly simple. Saying 'everypony' and 'anypony' is similar to referring to females as 'guys'. Females are obviously not male, but the term is applied to the entire population anyway. Other species usually do not take offence at these 'pony' words, as the intended meaning is clear and no insult is intended.
"Of course, sometimes they do take offense and insist upon 'politically correct' word usage. Usually ponies are willing to humor them.
"Not that ponies use these words exclusively in every day speech. If you pay close attention, you will find that ponies around you probably say "everyone" on occasion, even when among only ponies.
"And so, now I will read the next question. 'Dear Discord. Firstly, if money was an object to you, how much would have to be at stake before you cheated at cards/dice/etc.? Can you manipulate random chance to your favor, or is chance dependent on chaos to function properly?'
"Clearly, I can get anything that I want whenever I want, and therefore money holds no value to me. But let's say for the sake of argument that I was a pony. Wait, no that doesn't work, because then I wouldn't have my powers and I couldn't cheat even if I wanted to. But if I had my powers, then I wouldn't need money. Argh! I don't know how to consider this question in a way that makes sense!
"My head is starting to hurt, so I will just answer the second question instead. I can use my powers to directly force the cards or dice to be favorable to me, and I can also make one side of the dice heavier than the others, thus changing the probability, but I can't change the probability without physically changing the world somehow. Random chance is indeed an important part of chaos, so forcing a certain outcome is not a thing that I would actually do, except for the rare occasion where I randomly change my mind.
"Alright, let's move on. This question says, 'Dear Discord, what do you think of table-top roleplaying games? My mom says they're a waste of time, but, naturally, I disagree. As an aspiring author, I draw a lot of inspiration from the sessions I play, and there're plenty of lessons to be learned packed around a table with six other stallions of refined taste. Teamwork is one I bring up a lot, but I feel like I'm missing a lot, too. P.S. - what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?'
"This may come as a shock to many of you, but even a master of chaos needs something to draw inspiration from sometimes. Some of the time I can rely of my erratic and hyper-active imagination to create an original and chaotic idea, but it does take time. In the meantime, I certainly don't put aside good ideas when I encounter them. Sometimes I have to wait to actually put those ideas into practice, since if I used them right away, ponies would be expecting it, but the ideas of others are still fantastic and I wish I had thought of them first. They kind of make me wish that I had a the ability to go back in time so I could use the idea first and claim that it was originally my idea.
"But, to answer your question, if tabletop games are what give you inspiration, then that alone makes it worthwhile.
"And the answer to your P.S. is... death by chocolate ice cream. It has to have at least 5 different types of chocolate. With chocolate syrup. And strawberries and cherries. And whipped cream. Just remember to eat the container first.
"The next question reads as follows. 'Dear Discord. When does the Narwhal Bacon? And also, what do you think of paradoxes?
"I'm pretty sure that Narwhals, while carnivorous, don't eat bacon. They eat sushi. And as for what I think of paradoxes? There's a paradoxes who fix my friend Rainbow Dash up every time she goes to the hospital. Those paradoxes do good work. I think they deserve a little more recognition, don't you?
"We're running out of time, but I will read one last question before moving on to meet the special guest. This letter reads, 'Dear Discord, is it true that you had a claw in creating griffons and a number of non-sentient species? Because anatomy of some of them makes little to no sense!"
"It is true that I had a claw in creating some of the fauna in the Everfree forest, just as with the flora. Certain species, such as manticores and cockatrices, wouldn't be what they are today if not for me.
"Now, imagine that manticores suddenly have become intelligent and have learned how to speak. How do you think they will react when they find out that they can blame all of their problems on me?
"So, in light of that... No. I had nothing to do with the evolution of griffons whatsoever.
"And I'm afraid that that is all the time I have for questions today. It is time to introduce our special guest!
"I present to you the esteemed professor of physical science, Professor Fine Mane!"
"... Thank you, Discord. I must say, I am surprised that you exalt your opposition so highly."
"Why, I would never disrespect a pony! Just because you rejected my 'chaos theory' doesn't mean that your own ideas are not perfectly sound."
"That paper was highly unprofessional."
"Well, it's your loss. So, let's begin shall we? Please tell my audience exactly what your purpose is here today."
"Of course. By now, everypony is aware of that dragon visible in the night sky that just happened to appear on April Foals day. And I am here to tell everypony that it is a scientific impossibility for such a creature to exist, and therefore, it is all a hoax."
"It's not a hoax."
"Discord, Princess Luna, your assistant in pulling this 'prank', confirmed that it was a joke the very next day. But let's not condemn you before the evidence is presented. So, I will get straight to the point. For a living creature to be so ridiculously huge is frankly quite impossible."
"How do you figure?"
"First of all, there is no known material that is capable of holding the massive weight that such a creature would have."
"That's why it stays in space, where it is weightless. And it can have an all-you-can-eat buffet without worrying about getting overweight."
"But the momentum and stress exerted by the creature's body by the slightest movement should be too much for it to handle."
"Hey, don't ask me how it works. Maybe you should study him up close when he gets here in four weeks?"
"There is no dragon coming to Equestria. Now then, the second problem with such a large dragon. The nervous system. Animals have delayed reactions because of the distance that signals must travel from their brains. If a creature was two thousands miles long, that delayed reaction time would have to be several minutes at least. Probably almost an hour from head to tail."
"It's an alien. Maybe his body has some way of instantly sending those signals?"
"I find that highly unlikely. I believe that you are simply grasping for unknowns to defend yourself."
"That's right, I am. We should be busy panicking in the streets instead of trying to understand an alien's anatomy."
"... The third problem. You claim that this dragon eats stars. But stars are the hottest thing in the known universe. No creature would be able to stand such a thing."
"Hey, dragons like hot things."
"A star would melt his body, Discord. No matter how big he is! Not to mention, how can a dragon digest a star?"
"Actually, a pony sent me a letter that reminds me that plasma in place of stomach acid might work."
"Your explanations for these oversights all require the existence of fantastic super-materials, Discord. Such things do not exist."
"If you insist. We'll see if you still believe that in four weeks.
"... And a fourth problem. While living creatures only need to eat infrequently, they must breath something at all times, whether that be air or water. Space is nothing but emptiness. The dragon would suffocate."
"Maybe he breathes space."
"Breathes space?"
"I don't know. There are stranger things."
"Discord, up until now your arguments have at least had an illusion of partial logic. But this is just stupid."
"Look, all I'm saying is that you shouldn't dismiss this as a hoax just because you can't understand it."
"Discord, I did a little bit of research to see what I could dig up about 'space dragons'. The only material I was able to find was about how ancient earth pony tribes did not understand the concept of a solar eclipse and concluded that the sun was being devoured by a gigantic dragon. It was completely ridiculous and no more true than this hoax."
"Solar eclipse? As in, when the shadow of our planet falls upon the sun?"
"What? Discord, you are thinking of a lunar eclipse."
"No I'm not. A lunar eclipse occurs when the sun comes between our planet and the moon."
"Discord, that has never occurred. Ever. I can see that you are going to continue this ridiculous prank in the face of all evidence. I am not even going to bother to continue to disprove you."
"You're leaving? Wait, hold on a second. Before you go, I wanted your opinion on something that one of my listeners brought up."
"Alright, fine."
"Would you say that chaos magic breaks the law of conservation of energy?"
"Nothing can break the iron law of conservation of energy. Although... it sure does appear as if you do in fact do so."
"What do you mean 'nothing can break the iron law of conservation of energy'? It's easy to break. I just chose to fully exert myself when it comes to chaos."
"... How exactly do you define the law of conservation of energy?"
"I'm glad you asked! The easiest way to demonstrate is by examining the five basic energy-saving devices."
"Which are?"
"The first of the energy-saving devices is the disinclined plane. The downward force of an object placed on the plane provides a convenient support to lean against."
"What?"
"The second device is the loafer. Force exerted on one end of the lever keeps the other end at a convenient height for resting your head."
"Where did you get-"
"The third device is the broken wheel. The useless wheel prevents you from moving the load. You might as well just go back home.
"This is not-"
"The fourth device is the blocked tackle. You know how every time you pull out a rope or a cord or a string, it's a tangled mess? Since the ropes are hopelessly tangled, the load cannot be lifted."
"..."
"The fifth and final device is the screwup. After stripping the screw, the job may as well just be given up."
"..."
"And thus the law of conservation of energy is demonstrated."
"... Discord, I- I don't even know what to say. That is the biggest pile of... stupidity I have ever heard of in my life. That's not what the law of conservation of energy is about."
"Well then, what is it?"
"It states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only moved and converted from one form to another! And the same goes for matter! Creating an object from nothing appears to break this law!"
"Oh! Is that what it is? Now I understand the question perfectly. Chaos magic does not break the law of conservation of energy. When I 'create something from nothing', I am in fact changing the world in hundreds of small ways as a result."
"That does not satisfy the law."
"Yes it does. Let me tell you a story about an obscure earth pony farmer. One day, he was sitting underneath one of his fruit trees, when suddenly something fell upon his head."
"Yes, I've heard this story. But that pony is far from obscure."
"Don't interrupt. Some of the listeners may not know the story. So anyway, this pony picked up the fruit that had fallen on his head and he suddenly had a wonderful idea.
"The fig farmer suddenly came up with the idea to create cookies out of figs, which he did, and he named them after himself: Fig Newtons."
"Whoa, wait-"
"I said don't interrupt. So, Fig Newton traveled to Canterlot to arrange for the mass production of his creation. It was while spending time there that he observed the House of Nobles in session. After observing them for some time, he declared that 'A body at rest tends to stay at rest, and a body in motion tends to stay in motion'.
"And then after that, he decided to go to a local bar and he got a little too much to drink. One of the other customers insulted him. Naturally, he punched the stallion out. After doing this, he declared 'Every action has an opposite and equal reaction.'
"Chaos magic takes that opposite reaction and tries to distribute it out over a wide area so that the change is as unnoticed as possible. This is what causes ponies to suddenly lose small possessions that they are sure was where they left it a minute ago.
"Discord... Please stop twisting history to fit your own agenda. That stallion's name was Apple Newton. It was an apple tree that he was sitting under, and the apple falling on his head triggered the beginning of understanding and defining gravity. He then went on to create three basic laws of physics, all of which you have taken completely out of context."
"Yes, the first part of what you said is true. However, everything I told you is absolutely true. The more popular of the Netwon brothers stole the ideas from his brother and passed them off as his own work!"
"I- I actually can't disprove you on this matter. I don't believe you in the slightest, but history is not my strong point."
"Apple Newton had some funny ideas about the structure of the planetary system. I believe that he was convinced that Celestia actually moved the entire world around the sun, rather than the sun around the world?"
"He had good reason to believe that. Even if it turns out that he was wrong in the end, moving the planet around the sun would take far less energy than moving a solar mass that is so far away.
"... Discord... I know I am going to regret asking you this, but the Princess has only ever given vague answers on the matter. Where does Princess Celestia get the energy to move something so big and so far away?"
"Ah! I'm glad you asked! So, the princess is an alicorn. What is an alicorn?"
"... An alicorn is a pony that has features of all three common equine races."
"Correct. All three of them. But for some reason, most ponies seem to forget that this includes earth ponies. And just as alicorns have the strongest unicorn magic and the strongest wings, they also have the strongest connection to plant life!
"You see, all plants on the entire planet are actually solar energy collectors. And some of this massive amount of energy is drawn upon by our glorious Princess of the sun to power the magic that she uses to raise and set the sun every day!"
"... Right... But what about Princess Luna? How does she get the power to move the moon?"
"By consuming the nightmares of her subjects, of course! She takes nightmares and utterly incinerates them, never to bother anypony ever again! And, while she's at it, the fires of this figurative inferno provide her with the energy to move the entire moon!"
"... Okay... And what about the other planets? What keeps them moving through space?"
"The other alicorns, of course."
"You mean Princess Cadenza and Princess Twilight?"
"Cadence, yes. Twilight, no. Twilight doesn't have control over any of the heavenly bodies. Princess Cadence, the Princess of Love, however, is responsible for the rising and setting of the planet closest to our own, and closest in its size. That planet isn't named 'Cadenza' for nothing you know. She doesn't advertise the fact since the other planets are all so far away and obscure and don't actually have much effect on the lives of every day ponies.
"By the way, it's a good thing that she has never done anything bad enough to be banished. By tradition, when an alicorn is banished from Equestria, they are imprisoned on their own heavenly body. Unfortunately, Cadence happens to control a world that is characterized entirely by toxic sulfur clouds and molten rocks. Getting banished there would be highly unpleasant."
"Um... Actually, considering how the name of that planet is Cadenza... Could you actually be speaking the truth? I was aware that the princess was given the honor of having a planet named after her, but I never thought...
"No, wait! What about all of the other planets! If Princess Twilight doesn't control them, and if each princess only controls one heavenly body, then who controls the flight of those other planets?"
"Other alicorns."
"There are no other alicorns!"
"I'm afraid that the other alicorns are all banished to their own planet for one reason or another. Not all of them are a power of benevolence. It's a shame, most of them are males too. Male alicorns seem to have quite the temper."
"I don't believe you. Give me an example."
"Well, there once was an Alicorn that lived in Equestria who, sadly, was an extremely violent, brutal, and barbaric pony."
*Gasp!*
"I know! Can you believe it? He was the Prince of War. Of course, because of his vicious ways, he was banished to the planet Crom."
"Wait a minute. There is no planet named Crom."
"Indeed not. He was frankly a rather unpleasant alicorn. Nopony was going to name the planet second-closest to our own after such a pony.
"Now, the princesses felt rather bad about having to resort to such measures, but they found a way to keep Crom happy and allow him to do Equestria a service. You see, a long time ago, a few ridiculously evil ponies discovered some really really dark and evil magic.
"Have you ever heard of zombponies? Most ponies these days think that they are a myth, but once upon a time, they were very much a reality. They were the thralls of these evil pony necromancers, along with animated pony skeletons.
"Unfortunately, these evil ponies were almost unstoppable because they also turned themselves into liches, and therefore get a free pass out of Tartarus. It was decided that the only way to stop them was to banish them from Equestria altogether. The problem was that, given enough time, these remarkably powerful and yet still totally evil ponies would find a way to return to our world one day.
"So they were sent straight to Crom instead so that he could keep them busy.
"Now, Crom was delighted to have opponents to slay, but liches tend to make really big armies. He couldn't fight all of them at once.
"So the most violent and conflict loving ponies in Equestria were also sent to Crom, not only to fight against the forces of evil, but also to prevent their dangerous behavior from being passed on to the impressionable minds of pony youth.
"Now, to this very day, Crom and his loyal army of ferocious ponies fight an eternal holy war against the forces of evil, keeping them from reaching Equestria forever! Those ponies do refer to their world as Crom by the way. The only way for Crom and his subjects to redeem themselves, regain their honor, and be allowed to return to Equestria is to locate the elements of chivalry and find a way to stop the evil liches forever!"
"..."
"What? It's all true! This all happened just shortly before my first imprisonment, so I can say that I witnessed everything myself!"
"I don't believe a single word of your strangely contrived psycho-babble, and I'm going to find out for sure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to conduct some research. Good day, my good Chaos Lord."
"A good day to you too, Miss Fine Mane!
"And with that, I'm afraid it is once again for us to part ways, my loyal audience. Remember to tune in next week for the newest batch of letters and for the latest update on the incoming apocalyptic event!
"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."