//------------------------------// // Two Humans, A god of Chaos, and a Pansy // Story: Equestrian Jeopardy // by CosmicAfro //------------------------------// “And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy,” greeted Trebek to the lovely cheering audience. He took in a hefty sigh and grasped his podium, continuing with the welcoming, “For those of you joining us right now and wondering why a few of the stage lights are out and or completely missing, it’s better that you don’t ask.” The nameless camera man was tempted to pan to the contestants, but he knew his place and waited for the stage manager to give the line. “Right, so, let’s start with the scores. In last place with an astounding negative two hundred thousand –which is more points than on the board- is Mr. Connery. Mr. Connery, how was your break during this season’s unexpected hiatus?” “Up yours Trebek, just like when I was with your mother.” He stroked his Lincoln beard while giving his trademark laugh at other’s expense. “I’m glad to see you haven’t lost any of your charm. Next up is a surprising twist as for once we have two humans on the show, not including myself.” “I always counted it as one, Trebek,” Sean admitted. “I never count pansies as people.” Continuing as if nothing had happened, Alex announced, “Bert Reynolds with-“ “That’s not my name,” he interviened while smacking on some mint gum. *Sigh* “Of course… Mike Hawk, with a score of negative one hundred and forty thousand, is in second place. And in first, by default because he changed his score from a number value to a picture of a rubber duck eating a churro, is Discord.” “I’m very glad to be here Alex. The chaos here was so enjoyable I just had to come on board.” “Well, Discord, you’ll be disappointed to know that you’ve actually caused the least amount of trouble.” The draquon- err, drakk… uhm… the multi-part animal creature thingy replied, “after being set in stone so recently from the Elements of Harmony, my powers have yet to fully recover.” “Very well, shall we get on to the categories? They are: ‘Potent Potables’ ‘Complete this phrase’ ‘What not to do at a stoplight’ ‘Fruit or power tool’ ‘Safe to juggle?’ ‘Name an element’ And ‘I’m a jack ass’. Wait that should say… oh you rewrote the panel card... Very classy, Mr. Connery.” “Don’t look at me, Trebek. It was the hideous result of a group animal orgy that farced your name.” “Heh, that’s funny,” Ber- … Mike Hawk said pointlessly. “Perhaps it won’t be so funny,” Discord cautioned, “when I turn that horrible excuse of a beard into a rabid ferret, Connery.” “Heh, no you can’t.” Mike continued to chew his gum aloud, oblivious to the rising tension he was creating. “Yes, I can, I’m the god of Chaos!” “No, I specifically remember, magic doesn’t exist.” “To avoid more property damage, I’m going to give Discord the board,” said Alex. “Very well. I’ll take ‘Safe to Juggle' for four hundred.” The card slid away, revealing: *Bring!* “Yes, Mike Hawk?” “What?” “You buzzed in.” “No I didn’t.” Sean Connery couldn’t pass this up. “Trebek just buzzed his own cock!” *Bring!* “Yes… Mr. Connery?” “What is very safe?” “I’m afraid that’s incorrect. Ceiling fans make for very difficult juggling sessions.” “Nonsense, Trebek. I juggle in your mother to fit into my schedule all the time and that’s a safe thing to do too.” The host slammed his palm into his face, effectively saying, “how did I not see this coming?” “Discord, it’s still your move since your contestants failed.” “Very well, Alex. I shall take ‘Complete this phrase’ for two hundred.” The panel revealed: “What happens in Las Pegasus…” *Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Connery?” “What is, ‘comes back nine months later’.” It must have hit a funny spot with the audience because they burst into tears, every last one of them. “…Sean, for the first time in Jeopardy history, I think you got one right.” Trebek, completely dumbfounded, stood directly into the camera, unsure of what to do. “Is there a problem?” Discord asked. “Actually, yes. Sean has failed for so long that we removed the ‘add points button’ a long time ago.” “Never doubt me, Trebek. Now then, I believe it’s my board now? I shall take ‘Fruit or Power tool’ for four hundred.” “We have a daily double! Alright, here’s the statement: A screwdriver is a…” *Bring!* “Yes, Discord?” “What is a fruit?” Taking a deep breath, the host replied, “I’m afraid that’s incorrect, Discord.” “Nonsense. Both can be eaten.” As if to prove a point, the god of chaos lifted the tool in question out of a nonexistent pant pocket and started to peel it like it was a banana. The contents were unlike yellow mush and appeared to be more of an apple like compound. Then, he dropped the inner contents onto the floor and ate the peeling. The mush on the ground bubbled up and floated away as if it never existed. “At the risk of my sanity, I’m not going to question what just happened. Instead, we’re going to proceed to Final Jeo-“ *Bring!* “Hey uh, Aaron.” “It’s Alex, Bert.” “Heh, that’s not my name. Anyways, I didn’t get my turn yet.” “Your turn for what?” “To pick a category.” “You didn’t get anything right, Mr. hawk.” “Sure I did.” “No, you really didn’t.” “Yeah, I specifically remember that one question.” “You didn’t answer it correctly… we’re moving on. The final Jeopardy is: ‘Write a five letter word.’ It can be any word, any word at all. Even a bad word… just pick one and write it.” The tune that will inhabit anyone’s mind for days ended. “Right, let’s see the results, starting from first place. Discord, let’s see what you wrote: Very well done! A five letter word! You wagered… “And of course by completing it you purposefully ruined yourself and changed your score to a walrus with a rainbow shooting from its tusks… fantastic. Mike Hawk wrote: Indeed you did… and your answer is… “And not one of those words were five in length. I applaud your talents… and last up… amazingly is Sean Connery. He wrote: And the punchline we can expect is… Ahh yes, there it is. Thank you all for joining us, I’m going to go commit suicide now.”