Initial Observations
“All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.”
That was her fear. It annoyed her more than anything else. She laughed at it initially. It just wasn’t… rational. To be afraid of such a silly thing as not finding somepony to love and be loved by was absurd. She had five best friends. She was the top student of the Princess. How could she possibly feel alone at all if Spike and Owlowiscious were in this very library at this very moment? No, she couldn’t be lonely. It was impossible. Everypony liked her.
But no pony loved her. That is what silenced the laughter. Finally, she started to see truth in the whisperings of her subconscious.
Normally, it didn’t bother her. She had her studies to occupy her time, and there were always her friends and Spike. But deep down something was missing, something that no amount of best friends, books, puzzles or reason could fill. Some nights the library would be so dark and quiet and she longed for that something. The books, normally her constant companion, would loom up tall and menacing. Shadows would reach out twisting her comfortable cozy world into a vacant parody. Intellect's burning light repelled this darkness no more than the flickering candles did. Her awards, trophies, and commendations served only to mock her with their hollow emptiness. Silently in their rows they stood, each as useless as the last. Every candle she lit seemed only to create more shadows.
Spike was getting too old to need comforting, so she now had no one to curl up by her side. More and more these days, she felt alone. While bathed in sunlight and surrounded by friends, or immersed in her studies, she could ignore it. Put on a brave face and drive down the whispers. However, it was getting harder. The sky outside rolled with heavy dark clouds concealing the stars’ twinkling.
Despite her exhaustion, her mind would simply not shut down. She curled deeper into the blankets. Reason, normally the bedrock on which her life was based, only exacerbated the problem. It's just that I haven’t met the right pony. There is plenty of time. These weak rationalizations were destroyed by the power of her analytical mind. How will I know the “right pony?” Do I even know how to judge? What if I wait and wait and wait before one day waking up an old mare completely alone? This was getting crazy, she told herself, slamming the pillow over her muzzle. This isn’t a problem! Go to sleep! Her orders fell on deaf ears. All my friends have somepony. I've not even kissed anypony; statistically that puts me in the bottom 1.7%. And that number will only keep falling.
It was going to be a long night. After a glance at the clock, she knew sleep was out of the question. Again. She rose and busied herself with lighting far more candles than she needed.
Wandering around the room, she searched for something, anything, to take her mind off how dark this room was. Not even her favorite book, The Descent of Ponies, could distract her for long. Her eyes kept moving over the page, not taking in a word of its meaning. Mechanically she would turn the page and expose a new sheet whose contents had no more hope of being read than did the previous ones. The flickering light played off the mirror, and for some reason it was the most interesting thing in the world. It was relaxing to gaze into its depths. Beyond that mirror lay a comfortable bedroom, well-lit, and inviting. Beyond that mirror was a lavender pony. She gazed rapt at that pony, judging, analyzing, and thinking. The other pony stared back.
She wasn’t ugly, or at least she didn't think so. She liked to think she was reasonably attractive. True, there was no way she was as stunning as Rarity. Maybe if she just touched up her mane a bit, a few highlights, maybe give it a curl? No. The fact was she didn’t want a colt or anypony for that matter to like her just for her looks. But what if that’s the key?
It seemed that all of the mares her age were finding somepony. All her friends seemed to have somepony fawning over them. Fluttershy had a stallion turn up every couple of weeks looking for her. That brought a smile to her worried face, the way Fluttershy squeaked out an excuse and then turned brick red. And practically any colt would give their left hoof to party with Pinkie Pie. For Rarity they may have given both their lefts and maybe a right. She was careful not to inquire into Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s relationship, if there was in fact a relationship there. Everypony found love. Everypony except me.
She had colts turn up occasionally asking for books or advice. Plenty were friends. Caramel and Braeburn both were her friends. Not close friends, granted. But they liked her. Didn't they? None showed the same interest as they did in Rarity or Pinkie, that was true. Why?
What do colts like? The question was simple, but she could find no answer. What do I have? A wry smile. Magic and smarts. That was clearly obvious; everypony knew she was obsessed with one thing: studying magic. “Is that it? Does everypony think I am only interested in books and nothing more…? Hormonal?" That brought a blush.
No pony would believe the studious Twilight Sparkle could have such… such deviant thoughts. Rainbow Dash, absolutely, but not the scholarly mind of the Princess’s top student. Everypony knew she was… Androgynous?
No pony is confused over my gender! It's plainly obvious even to the most oblivious pony that I a mare! Indignation flared up, but when it receded the whisperings were ready.
“Physically perhaps. If physically nothing is wrong why have I not found somepony?!”
I will find somepony. They just had to be the right pony. It's only a matter of time. It will happen. Sheer force of will hardened her words, driving them home.
And yet despite her reassurances, the quiet doubt crept in. What if there is no one? Or worse still, what if I've already met him? How can I tell? These questions churned in her head, robbing her confidence and sapping her assurance that all would turn out for the best. Over and over she answered them, but the more thought she put into it, the more questions were raised. How, I mean how, would I go about starting a relationship? Hi, nice to meet you. I am Twilight Sparkle, would you be my coltfriend? Wonderful. Thanks.
It couldn’t be that hard. Everypony could do it. She could understand the complex interactions of isomagical forces in relation to magnetic resonance fields, but THIS of all things escaped her grasp.
A knock on the door awoke her from her reverie. A glance at the sky told her that sleep had not visited her this night either. From the other room came the sound of Spike answering the door. She had not even heard him get up. Forcing a smile on her face, she arranged her mane and tail, and prepared to greet her guest.
It was Applejack, wanting help with some farm work or another. If only her head would stop throbbing. If only she could get all of the sand out of her eyes. Applejack’s words flowed over her, not leaving much in the way of an impression. Instead, her thoughts took a mind of their own. Applejack and Rainbow, was that real? Or am I imagining that? Two mares? How would that work? Well, genetically it would be unviable, but that didn’t mean that… Applejack seemed to notice something was up with her friend.
“Y’all sure you can lend me a hand? You look like Rainbow Dash trying to puzzle out why a pegasus would need legs. Somethin’ up? I wouldn’t be needin’ you help except… Twilight? Are you ok? Twilight?”
Back in reality Twilight blushed deeply at having such private thoughts interrupted. “It's nothing. I'm always willing to lend a friend a hoof. Let’s go!” She dashed out the door, keeping her head down so Applejack’s couldn’t see her face. She told herself, A hard day of work would be good. Tire me out.
She almost convinced herself it would work. And for the rest of the day, she lost herself in the labor of the field.
With a final wave to Applejack, Twilight shut the door and crawled up the stairs. She ached all over, and the thought of lying down was beyond heavenly. Her bed was there - she hadn’t bothered making it in weeks. She crawled under the covers, feeling the tiredness in her muscles. The work had taxed her body, but her mind remained as undaunted as ever. Still there lurking. Waiting for her to close her eyes. “Please Celestia, let me get some sleep. Any sleep,” she quietly begged. Then it hit her.
That was it. The solution. It was so clear. She sat bolt upright. She would send a letter to Princess Celestia. Celestia always had sound advice - she would know exactly what to do. However this plan didn’t hold up to closer scrutiny. First, while the Princess was the wisest pony in all of Equestria, there was no Prince Celestia. As far as she knew, there had never been a pony Celestia loved in more than a platonic way. So, she didn’t necessarily have any expertise in this field.
Field? Was love a legitimate field in which one could have expertise? Her derisive snort caused Owlowiscious to hoot reprovingly.
Certainly not! Love couldn’t be measured or evaluated in a quantifiable way. It was all conjecture and feelings, nothing substantive. Ponies in love’s clutches acted irrationally. It was most certainty not a scientific field. That thought brought comfort to her; she could hardly be faulted for failing to grasp a subject that in fact was not a true discipline at all.
This initial comfort died quickly as another thought drifted up from her well of fears. Friendship was a nebulous concept that couldn’t be quantified or measured. And she was assigned, by the Princess herself, to learn about the magic of friendship.
What if the Princess sees my inability to understand love as a sign I am unable to understand difficult concepts? Is love just friendship taken to the next level? What if she sees that this as a sign that I am unable to grasp the deepest facets of friendship! What if that means she- Her heart felt as if it would simultaneously burst and freeze. “Breathe,” she told herself, “In and out, it will be ok. In and out.” The breathing techniques Fluttershy taught her lowered her heart rate, allowing her muscles to relax, and the spiraling dread to recede. While focused on taking exact, even, measured breaths, her mind could not race off.
A letter would be a mistake. That was clear. “In and out.” Absently her mind drifted to Fluttershy. She was so kind and gentle, so peaceful and good with animals. Always there for her. She liked Fluttershy – Do I mean that? The thought struck her like a thunderbolt. It took her a moment to bring her mind to bear upon the full realization of her words. I like Fluttershy. I LIKE Fluttershy. Like like? As in like love? Could it be possible I'm in love with Fluttershy? The thought excited her. All of this effort and her subconscious had just told her the answer. I clearly just said that I liked her! She is one of my best friends. And I clearly just said that I liked her. A Freudian slip. That was it. It was all so obvious. I'm in love with Fluttershy.
Twilight marveled in the revelation, but was careful to re-examine and look for potential flaws and evidence. She was a friend, of course. She admired her way with animals and quiet inner serenity. Does that mean I potentially love her? Could it really be that simple? Is this love? It had to be. I would give anything for Fluttershy; I would do anything for her. That was one of the symptoms of love. Her heart raced with the excitement of cracking the puzzle of love. “This warrants a letter to the Princess!”
“Spike!” she bellowed, “Get up here and take a letter!” In the morning she would go talk to Fluttershy about her feelings, but first she had to tell the Princess.
A muffled grunt came from the other room. Oh right, it was late. Well, technically, it was early.
“Now,” she said more gently, almost apologetically, “It will only take a second.” It was important that she strike while the iron was hot. Love was not all that hard at all. It had been right under her mane the entire time.
Spike stumbled into the room, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He made an indiscernible noise which she chose to take for a greeting.
“Sorry, but this is very important. It could be the most important lesson I've learned so far!”
“Mrggghh” Spike was clearly in no state to write anything. Or at least anything that would be legible.
“How about I get you a nice cup of hot chocolate? That should wake you up.”
“mhhh”
She went to the kitchen and put some milk on. She was giddy. This had been a problem that had haunted her for how many sleepless nights? Well it didn’t matter now, because it was solved. Spike took his seat with an ink pot, quill and a single scroll. Was that a subtle hint that he wanted this to be a short message? In depth analysis of this was made impossible by the bubbling excitement she felt. She had to move, do something. The coco was done.
“You want one marshmallow or two?” she whispered to Spike, hardly able to keep from yelling.
“Mrue,” Spike replied, right as he let out an enormous yawn.
“Two?” Must be. I will have to get him something special for this, maybe that new Doctor Hooves book. “Where did I leave those marshmallows from Pinkie? There you are!” Better let him have three. He really is a good helper, she mused to herself.
Spike took the coco without comment. While she was bursting to start the letter, she knew she had better let him drink some. Her attention turned to her own coco with its single marshmallow slowly revolving in the hot liquid. Pinkie Pie, what a riot, she always drew a laugh. Always making jokes, always bouncing and giggling. A smile curled Twilight’s muzzle as she thought of Pinkie. The warm coco was almost like a cup of Pinkie, raising her spirits and bringing a wide grin to her face.
SMASH
Spike bolted upright, yelling and blinking furiously, “I'm up! I am up!” He saw Twilight staring at a single marshmallow in the middle of a slowly expanding puddle of coco and smashed glass fragments. His initial displeasure with being woken up was replaced with concern at his friend’s behavior. She had been more and more preoccupied lately, spending days up in her room doing nothing. She was even falling behind in her studies, and by the look of her eyes, she couldn’t be sleeping well.
The minute dragged on with Spike rapidly wondering what he was supposed to do. She was just staring at that marshmallow.
“Twilight? Twilight, are you ok?”
No answer came. She looked fine, but something was clearly wrong. He was about to run for Nurse Redheart when she snapped back to reality.
“Dear Celestia I have been such a stupid, stupid filly.”
Spike was unsure what to make of this, so he remained silent. He was still worried. Something was up. She had gone from as happy as he had seen her in weeks back to this gloomy state. “I'm ready to take that letter for you now.” He hoped to draw her attention back to reality.
“Wha, no, never mind, I'm sorry for waking you. I – just, never mind, go back to bed. It's nothing.” Her voice was soft, and Spike had the disconcerting feeling that she was not fully talking to him.
“You said it was very important.”
“I was wrong.”
Spike flinched - she had not screamed it. That would have been better; instead she spoke in this eerily calm voice. He didn’t notice the tear that fell down into the puddle of coco.
“So very very wrong,” she said more to herself than anyone in the room. “I'm tired, goodnight,” she announced and made for the stairs, vanishing up the spiral case.
Enough was enough. Spike decided it was time to get Nurse Redheart. She would know what to do. He drained his mug and grabbed a rag. Now that he had a course of action, sleep sounded like a very attractive idea. If only Rarity would visit his dreams again. A very attractive idea indeed.
“How could I be so stupid! Basic rigor!” She paced her familiar route. This rug had seen many puzzles solved, but this time pacing offered no comfort. The shelves glared accusingly down at her.
She liked Pinkie Pie. Pinkie was so full of life, so ready to make everypony around her happy. She liked Pinkie Pie. In fact she liked Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. Each was unique and special. They were all her friends. She liked them all. She liked them ALL.
Can I be in love with them all? This thought was dismissed immediately. If that’s love, then love was friendship. No, it can’t be. All the descriptions she had heard seemed to indicate that love was something higher. Something greater, somehow.
Platonic love? Yes that was it. A clear example of platonic love. She loved them as friends. True love had to be something more, something she had yet to experience.
“Nothing is ever easy,” she sighed. She was so close and yet was still adrift in a sea of complete non-comprehension. A peal of thunder rang out, and Spike emitted a loud snore from the other room. The echoing rumbles raised gooseflesh on her flanks. Desperate times call for desperate measures. She would send that letter to Celestia, but would sign it anonymously. Filled with sudden purpose, she got down a quill and scroll from the stationery cubbyholes on Spike’s desk, and quickly jotted down a message.
“That looks good.” Nice, short and to the point. A quick snip removed the header, “From the desk of Spike.” How to sign it? Use a pseudonym, perhaps like Maresilio Ficino. No, that would be too obvious. Better just stick with “concerned citizen.”
Dear Princess Celestia,
As a concerned citizen of Equestria, I am writing to inquire about the statistical likelihood that in any given population, any given mare in that population will find a mate. Current population dynamics are insufficient, and I understand that numerous variables influence this, making it difficult to provide a definitively accurate number. Any data you would be able to present on this matter would be most appreciated.
Yours in Friendship,
Concerned Citizen
“To Princess Celestia, Royal Palace, Canterlot.” Done. “I will send this first thing in the morning with Ditzy; I can’t well use Spike now, can I?” That brought a smile. She wiped the letter down to remove any hoof prints and sealed it. “Perfectly anonymous.”
She smiled contently and blew out the candles. Everything was under control. And with that, she rose and walked to bed for the first restful sleep in weeks.
Birdsong awoke her. It was late; Spike had not woken her! Despite the panic, she felt rested and alert. She sprang out of bed, not noticing that all the aches were gone. With nary a glance at the mirror, she rocketed down the stairs, the letter clutched tightly in her teeth.
“Ngghh, heeerrryy breen zeer?”
“What?” Spike asked, looking at her with a puzzled expression.
She spat out the letter. “Has the mail been here?!”
“No, but why would you need to send a letter when…“ he broke off, seeing that Twilight had seen their guest.
“Hello, Nurse Redheart, it's nice to see you as always, but what are you doing here?”
“Oh, just thought I would stop in and check out a book about soft hoof disease.”
Had Twilight been less distracted, she would have recognized the lie, but instead she just responded quickly, “Oh of course, fourth rack to the left, top shelf somewhere. Spike would be more than happy to find it for you. Good day.”
Nurse Redheart didn’t move or react to the rapid fire delivery. “Are you doing ok? You look a little… hurried.”
“Fine, fine, now if you will excuse me, I have to find Ditzy Doo.” And with that, she sprinted out the door, the letter floating after her. Spike and Nurse Redheart exchanged looks.
Covered in sweat and nursing a stitch in her side, she finally located Ditzy. In typical Ditzy fashion, she was going about her mail route in a completely random order. A bright smile appeared on the cross-eyed mare’s muzzle when she saw Twilight, as if she knew a joke no one else did.
“Twilight, you don’t live here,” she said, gesturing at an abandoned barn.
Ignoring the question as to why Ditzy was delivering mail to an abandoned barn, Twilight panted out, “I - need you to – hooo – deliver this letter to this address.”
The grey pegasus took the letter with a giggle. Twilight had a sudden rush of fear, Was she wondering why I didn’t send it with Spike? Did she suspect something? Think, you must think!
Before she could stammer out a lame excuse Derpy said in a hushed conspiratorial voice, “Me understand, I hope he is cute.”
The statement took a second to register.
“I - you - he is - this isn’t for a…” her spluttering was cut off by Ditzy’s winking, each eye out of synch and fluttering off.
As the pegasus gained height, Twilight stood stunned. The only thing she could tell herself is that, For better or worse, it's sent. She tried to push Ditzy’s comment from her mind. Ditzy meant nothing by it. She doesn’t suspect anything, does she? No, impossible. It was just one of those Ditzy things; she says weird things all the time and means nothing by them. That made her feel much better. So good, in fact, that she decided to go to the spa. Treat herself. She had to look her best – after all, you never know what pony could be watching. That brought a blush.
When she returned to the library Nurse Redheart was still there with Spike. They both looked up quickly when the door opened.
“Sorry I had to run, I had a very important errand to run and then I stopped off at the – well that’s not important. Did Spike find the book you needed?”
“Why yes, of course. He was most helpful, as always.”
The door pulled closed, and she noticed Spike and Nurse Redheart were not alone in the room. All of her friends were here, sitting in a row, looking at her, but not meeting her gaze.
“What’s this?”
“Twilight, we are worried about you.” Rainbow Dash’s voice was tense and stilted, a far cry from her normally confident self. She squirmed in her seat, looking uncomfortable. Twilight had the distinct impression these lines had been rehearsed. “You have not been yourself lately and we are all worried. As your friends we feel…that… you…” Her voice trailed off, and her eyes kept darting to Nurse Redheart, imploring.
Applejack was the one to come to her rescue. “…are workin’ far too hard on whatever it’s that yer are workin’ on.”
Twilight was thunderstruck. She had been pretty reclusive, but for her friends to notice…
“I'm fine, I've just been working on this really difficult problem. That’s all. Nothing to it. I got it all under control.”
“You look like Applejack when she tried to buck that entire orchard by herself.” Applejack shot Rarity a glare that went unnoticed. “Ease up or you will absolutely wreck your eyes!” Rarity intoned, making crow’s feet sound like the epitome of injuries.
“I totally understand. And have actually just got help on it. It won’t be a problem anymore. Really! I feel great, amazing even!”
“Um, are you sure you are alright?” Fluttershy squeaked.
“Couldn’t be better!” she exclaimed, ignoring Spike and Nurse Redheart’s skeptical looks. In truth, she did look much better. A good night’s sleep had done wonders, and the spa ponies had worked their usual magic.
“You just seemed, well, um, not, um…”
“What Fluttershy is trying to say is that you have seemed distracted for weeks now.”
“No, really I am fine,” Twilight cut into Rarity’s prescribed section.
Dubious looks greeted her assertion. No pony said anything, instead most choose to look around at the library, at their hooves, or out the window. Only Nurse Redheart kept her appraising look fixed on the lavender mare.
“If I may interrupt,” Nurse Redheart asked, knowing full well she was interrupting no pony and any pony who dared to speak had the floor. “Stress can be an insidious cycle. If you are stressed about something it can mess with your sleep cycle which then causes more stress. It can be very hard to stop the spiral. Don’t be afraid to reach out. We are all here for you.” Her tone was clinical yet gentle.
“Thank you so much, but you cannot help me with this particular problem.” When they made to argue she finished, “I have just sent a letter to…” just before the words came out she realized that she couldn’t tell them she sent something to Celestia.
“…An old friend of mine from Canterlot.” Technically that was not a lie. “She is not exactly an expert, but I hope she can shed some light on the problem. It will be all resolved soon. And I feel much better today. I got a great night sleep last night.”
Her answer was enough for Rainbow Dash.
“See I told you all! She is the spitting image of perfection!” The cyan pony fled her seat so fast it fell over. “A-Okay see? Hey Applejack, race you back to the barn!”
Twilight blushed, wondering what exactly was going to be resumed “back at the barn.”
Applejack’s response took the form of racing past Twilight and out the door, leaving Rainbow Dash to play catch up.
“If you will excuse me, I have a date with some silk imported from the gryphon coast.” And Rarity took her leave.
Pinkie bounced up and whispered conspiratorially, “When you solve you thingie-majiger we should totally have a celebration! I know a pony that can hook us up with some premium helium!” Her message delivered, she bounced out whistling something that sounded like “the Stallions go Marching on.”
“We are all here for you; there is no shame in needing help.” Nurse Redheart gave it more try, looking deep into Twilight’s eyes, quietly assessing.
“Thanks, I'm very fortunate to have friends like you all but I'm fine.”
What ever she found in Twilight’s eyes seemed to satisfy her and she left with a long backward glance.
Fluttershy was still in her seat, playing with her mane and jumped when the door clicked shut. “Twilight… I… um… wanted… to tell you… well… Iamhereforyou.” The last part was delivered so quickly Twilight could barely deceiver it.
Twilight was touched by her friend’s concern. “Thank you Fluttershy, you are such a good friend. I don’t know what I would do with out you.”
Fluttershy made like she wanted to say something but only a squeak came out. It was hard to tell, because her mane covered most of her muzzle but Twilight thought the Yellow pegasus was blushing. Another squeak and Fluttershy was out the door before Twilight could say another word.
The door closed softly. All of his erstwhile allies having deserted him, Spike prepared for the verbal barrage. His eyes screwed up tight, he was totally unprepared for Twilight rushing up and putting him in a bear hug.
“Oh Spike, thank you!”
He was unsure if oxygen deprivation was coloring his judgment but it seemed she was not mad.
“You’re not mad?” he managed to gasp out.
“Why would I be mad? You all care about me! You’re the best friends a pony could wish for!”
He had nothing to counter that. And with another squeeze, she released him, grinning widely.
“Of course we care about you. We all…” His sentence was interrupted by a belch of emerald flame. A letter drifted down, embossed with the royal seal. Spike looked at it, confused.
“Why is the Princess writing to us?”
Twilight snatched the letter up, hardly able to contain her enthusiasm behind a mask of quiet confusion. Trembling she broke the seal and unfurled the scroll. She didn’t even pause to wonder why Princess Celestia was sending her the letter and not replying to the “concerned citizen.”
My Dearest Student,
I received a letter from an anonymous concerned citizen. She is doing research into population dynamics and I have looked at the library here and cannot find what she is looking for, so I told her to seek you out. I fear she is in fact a confused filly who simply doesn’t want to be alone anymore. She is exceptionally intelligent and I imagine you two would get along great. When you meet her, pass along the following advice: Finding love is some of the greatest magic of all. All it takes is opening your heart. Don’t be afraid; take a chance. You will have your heart broken, but remember, love will win out. Love is all about being crazy about somepony. Lose yourself in it and forget the reasoning. Thank you for your help in this matter.
H.R.H.
Princess Celestia
She turned the letter over, staring at the back. Trembling, she flipped it over and started reading it again. A sinking feeling filled her. She didn’t know what she had expected from Celestia. But she certainly expected more than, “Lose yourself in it and forget the reasoning.” What did that even mean? One part of her mind registered surprise that she didn’t break down after having this latest hope crushed. She was past that. A quiet desperation filled her. She couldn’t go back to the sleepless hell she'd been living.
The time had come to solve this particular problem. Once and for all. Her mistake had been approaching it too haphazardly, she reasoned. She would start fresh. Start at the beginning. The scientific approach was best. Science had always helped her in the past, and she saw no reason it could not be applied to this situation.
This reasoning calmed her. Her analytical mind broke down the problem and began to devise a series of tests. The first question was obvious:
“Colts or Fillies?”
Author's note: My first MLP fan fiction. In fact my first fan fiction ever. Come to think of it this is my first creative story I have written. As such I'm willing to take any and all criticism; grammar, plot, pacing, characterization, anything. It is impossible to hurt my feelings. I'm slightly concerned that the pacing is too slow but I really wanted to capture Twilight’s feelings.
Thanks to both Pascoite and Mystic for helping me with the editing. It is much better for it.
Now edited. Version 3.0.