“Blackmail and Muffins: A Love Story”
by Baby Seal Burritos and Donny’s Boy
with supplementary material by Kyronea and Lord-Tristan
“Twilight? I should like to ask a favor of you, darling, and have you answer a little question for me … exactly how long do you intend to hide in the bushes across the street from Sugarcube Corner, spying on a certain pink mare with those binoculars of yours?”
“What pink mare? There are so many pink mares, and I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about or even what you’re implying.”
“Oh, Twilight. We both know that you know precisely which pink mare I mean. Come now, surely you … oh! Oh, my. It’s not just a simple infatuation, is it? You’re in love with her ... aren’t you?”
“I… No… I mean... Is there some reason you’re asking these questions, Rarity?”
“Because you needn’t keep it secret anymore, Twilight! Pinkie would love you too, if you were to simply tell her.”
“There’s no way you could possibly know that! The chances of reciprocation on Pinkie’s part are slim to none; I’d wager the odds being at about 330.712:1. There is absolutely no way on Celestia’s green Equestria that I would ever possibly consider…”
“You’ve run the numbers already, then, I see.”
“What? No! I… Just… It was just an estimate. Yes. Just an estimate from out of nowhere. My best guess without any basis in study.”
“Let us put it another way, then. Do some research. Experiment. Discover! Confess to Pinkie that you love her so that you can find out. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in that awful place of never knowing. It will be as though you began reading the most delightful book you had ever read--and then put it aside before you reached the ending.
Your curiosity is too strong for that, darling. So do it.”
“But… You’re right. The curiosity of the whole situation is killing me. And I just can’t let it go without exploring some possibilities... But it’s scary and every time I want to try my heart starts pounding and I get tongue-tied and I just can’t manage to get the words out. Besides, I don’t really think that being rejected is pleasant. I don’t think I want to go through with it if I’m just going to get hurt.”
“Twilight Sparkle, it is a bakery, not a dungeon. You are being melodramatic.
Let me tell you a secret. There is nothing in this world worth having that does not bring with it the possibility of pain. But there is no pain that compares with that of the pain of having never tried--of failing before one has even began. By going through with it, you’ll finally know, and then things can proceed from there.
And darling? Unless my instincts for romance are failing me--and they never, ever do fail me--I would wager that our dear Pinkie Pie has her heart set on you, just as you have yours on her.”
“You really think so, huh? Well, you seem to be much better at this than I am, and I would be extremely foalish if I was to ignore your advice in this area. Especially since you seem to be making a whole lot of sense right now. The pain of never trying huh? Sounds like something I’d hate to have to live with. I guess I should just get it over with then. All I need to do now is… find Pinkie.”
“Luckily, that oughtn’t be too hard. She’s just come out of the shop and--oh, I do believe she’s spotted us and is heading over! Well, darling, I do believe that’s my cue to take off. I wish you the very best of luck. I’ll drop by the library some time tomorrow for tea and gossip!”
“WHAT? Oh my gosh! How’s my mane? WHAT DO I SAY?”
“Hiya, Twilight! How’s it goin’? Where’d Rarity go so quick? Anyway, Spike said you were looking for me, but I said that was silly, because if a smarty pants unicorn was looking for me, you’d come to Sugarcube Corner! So I told Spike that it had to be that I was looking for you! … And here you are! Yay!”
“PINKIE! Oh! Y-you startled me! Um. Did you say you were… looking for me or that I was looking for you or…?”
“I’m preeeeetty sure that you were looking for Spike, who was looking for me, and I was looking for you, so everything works out! … I think. Kinda?”
“What? I- Oh. That’s not even the point is it? You were looking for me and I was kind of looking for you too, so the end result of the two of us finding each other works out either way. Why don’t you go ahead and let me know what you needed me for, and then after that I’ll tell you what I needed to see you for. Okay?”
“Oh, I forgot already! Ha, ha, silly Pinkie! But hey, did you get a manecut from Rarity lately? ‘Cause it looks really super nice today!
Okay, now it’s your turn! What’s up, Twi?”
“No I didn’t but… you really think it looks nice? I mean… That’s not the issue at hoof here. I just gotta jump right in. Be natural. Don’t overthink it…”
WOW! You’re really pink today, Pinkie! Did you do something with your something to get so darn pink? I mean, really, you’re utterly vibrant!”
“Well, I’m often doing something with my something, ‘cause why would you even have a something if you weren’t gonna do something with it? That’s just silly! But, no. I’m pretty sure I’m about the same amount of pink as I usually am. Maybe even less pink—there was a teensy tiny fire at Sugarcube Corner today, and I mighta gotten a teensy tiny bit singed, and …
… uh, Twilight? Why’re you lookin’ at me like that? I don’t have chocolate on my face again, do I?”
“You know what, Pinkie? I think that I do see a teeny tiny bit of chocolate on your face there. Here. Let me get that for you…”
“Aww, thanks, Twilight! You’re the best unicorn friend ever, except for maybe Rarity and Pumpkin, of course, but oh, you’re definitely the bestest purple unicorn friend that I …
…”
Did I really just do that?
I really just did that.
“Got it! No more chocolate on that ador- I mean pink face of yours. Hehe. All gone. All squeaky clean!”
“…
…
…
Twilight Marigold Sparkle! You thought I wouldn’t notice? You thought I’d just let you get away with it? Well, not this Pinkie Pie!
… You taste like cranberry muffins! But Sugarcube Corner doesn’t sell cranberry muffins, which means … you … you … you’ve been cheating on me with another bakery!”
“Mari-? I’d never go to another bakery, Pinkie! Spike made those muffins for me because you don’t sell them and they’re my favorite. Why don’t you sell them, anyway? That’s a ridiculous oversight and you must lose a certain amount of business that way.”
“… well, I … I … I dunno! The Cakes just have never made cranberry muffins, and I usually just do what they tell me to do, especially after the ‘baked bads’ incident, and …
Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Cranberry muffins are your favorite? Like, not just your favorite but your absolute favoritest? Then why didn’t …
… then why didn’t you tell me, Twilight? Last year when I made you those blueberry muffins for your super special birthday breakfast, how come you didn’t tell me you wanted cranberry muffins instead?”
“Well, I guess I was just happy that you took the time to make me muffins at all. I mean, you didn’t have to and I was kinda... Anyway, those muffins were amazing and much better than any that Spike makes. Oh. Don’t tell him I said that. He’s so sensitive about his cooking.
I guess that means that your muffins are my “favoritest” and the cranberry ones are just my favorite-favorite.”
“Ohhhhh! I gotcha, Twilight! Though I can’t believe you only have a ‘favorite-favorite’ and a ‘favoritest.’ I mean, I have at least ten different types of favorites for all my favorite muffins! Oh, and don’t you worry your pretty little smarty pants head about Spike. Mum’s the word! Pinkie promise! … Oh, and dad’s the word too! Fair’s fair, y’know! Hee!
Whew! I’m glad we got that all sorted out! I was starting to almost get worried for a second there. So, now that that’s outta the way … how come you kissed me, Twi?”
“Kiss-? You had chocolate on your… Can’t we talk about your other favorite kinds of muffins? I for one am absolutely dying to know what your top ten favorite muffins are! I mean we talked about mine and fair’s fair right?”
“Sure! I like walnut apple muffins, and blueberry muffins, and chocolate chip muffins, and …
… waaaaiiiiit just a minute here! Are you trying to distract me? I cannot be distracted! Pinkie Pie’s mind is a steel trap! Ooh, except that sounds kinda mean. Maybe my brain’s more like a lemon meringue?
… No, no, no, no, no! I’m getting off track again … Twi! How come you don’t wanna tell me why you kissed me? Don’t you … don’t you trust me?”
“Of course not, Pinkie. There’s no reason I wouldn’t trust you; you’re one of my closest friends!
I just… I don’t… I just don’t know exactly how to say what I want to say. It requires the utmost of care and thought or else I’ll screw it up. This would be much easier if I could write up a few drafts, pitch it to a test audience, rewrite it, repitch it…
Hold on. No no no. This won’t do. “Comes from the heart” right? Okay. Then here goes: PINKIE PIE!”
“… Twilight?”
“I really really like you as more than a friend and I think that we should go out sometime because that would make me incredibly happy and we could go out somewhere nice and I could tell you about how much I love your eyes and I kissed you because I’ve wanted to kiss you for the longest time and I was really curious to see if you tasted like bubblegum which you didn’t oddly enough you tasted like strawberry pie which is pretty delicious but what am I saying is I just really like you and I want to kiss you again?”
“… I … uh … you … strawberry? But I haven’t even eaten any strawberries today!
… okay, well, maybe I ate some strawberry shortcake, but that was only for breakfast!
… oh, yeah, and lunch too …
… and you like my eyes? Really? … But no, no, no … no … I just …
You can’t like me, Twilight! You just can’t!”
“Oh. Um. Well. That’s just… Uh.
I just… I can’t… I’m so sorry, Pinkie. I’ll… I’ll just go away forever now. Hide my head under something heavy where I can’t bother ponies again.”
“Oh! Oh, please, no … please don’t … Twilight …
I … there’s something I have to tell you, too. I … might’ve told you a little fib, once.
Um. Okay. You remember the very first party I ever threw for you? I told you that I gasped and ran away when I first saw you in Ponyville ‘cause you were new in town and I wanted to throw you a party, so you’d have lots of friends, and … and that was all true! It was! But … but there was another reason I ran away, too ...
… when I saw you, I … I didn’t know what to say. And that’d never happened to me before! I mean, I totally always know what to say! Maybe I know too much what to say, even--that’s what the Cakes tell me sometimes-- but I’ve been working hard on getting better about that, and … oh. Um. Anyways …
And then I met you for realsies, and we got to know each other, and then … then I started saying too much. Because I guess I was scared to say what I really wanted to say, and it felt like if I just kept saying everything else that wasn’t quite exactly what I wanted to say, then maybe it’d mean I’d never have to say what I really wanted to say. But I guess I should’ve said it, anyways, and …
...
Twilight Sparkle … you have the most perfectest smile. It is perfect. And I can tell, y’know, ‘cause if there’s anypony who knows a thing or two about smiles, that anypony is me! And you’re so smart and you’re so pretty and you’re so absolutely positively amazing that …
That you scare me. You scare me in ways that some spooky old evil forest never could. Because you’re so amazing and so smart and so perfect, and I’m so … well, we both know what I am. Don’t we, Twi?
So I don’t see how a pony like you could ever really like a pony like me.”
“Now hold on a moment. “A pony like you”? Pinkie, you’ve got this whole thing backwards and all jumbled up.
When I first arrived in Ponyville I was a pretty terrible pony. I was rude and selfish, and I didn’t appreciate all the attempts by the ponies here to befriend me or to draw me out of my shell. Least of all you, the one pony who went so far as to throw a party for me with all of Ponyville invited. I was a bookish, snobby, stuck-up unicorn just like back in Canterlot. I’m still not much of a good friend am I?
But you, Pinkie Pie, you are a mare of your own class. Not only are you the most amazing friend a pony could ask for, but you don’t even seem to realize it. Your smile is enough to make anypony’s day a little brighter; you’d do anything for a friend in need without even blinking, and you’d do it without begrudging a soul and with a song. Because you are joy, Pinkie, you’re the personification of laughter and glee and love, and I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around you.
You know me, Pinkie, you know that when I can’t understand something I drive myself crazy trying to fix that. You’re… terrifying in that I don’t think I ever will understand you. But it’s also so freeing, so liberating to have so little control when you’re around. Every day I schedule and plan and write lists upon lists, down to the half a minute, of what I’m going to do, and you just come through and sweep me off my hooves and let me loosen up and have fun. Fun. Me. Twilight Sparkle, the eternal stick in the mud, having fun? What a concept. You’re the best influence for me, and I know it’s selfish of me to use you like this, but I’m not a very nice pony now am I?”
Anyway, I just wanted you to know all that. You’re the absolute best pony that I’ve ever met... Not to mention the most gorgeous...”
“… I … I guess I never really thought about it like that. Do you mean it? … Oh, Pinkie Pie, what a silly thing to ask Twilight … I mean, of course you mean it! You wouldn’t say it if you didn’t mean it. I know you wouldn’t.
You’re wrong, though. About being a terrible pony. You’re a great pony, Twilight. The bestest pony! Even if you maybe kinda sorta thought you didn’t need friends when you first met everypony. Which was kinda a silly thing to think, when you think about it!
And you wanna know what else is silly to think? That you’re a terrible pony. And that you haven’t done anything for me. ‘Cause … because nopony’s ever put up with me for as long as you put up with me, except for the Cakes and maybe Gummy. And you wanna know a secret? Half the songs I sing are just ‘cause seeing you makes me feel like I have something to sing about. And … and … and I just, I can think so much better with you around, Twilight. I really, really can. Like, all the crazy thoughts that are always zipping and zooming around my brain calm down just a teensy tiny bit when I look at you. And … and I look at you, and I just … I just …
… um. I think maybe I don’t really quite know what to say about everything I’m feeling right now, because it’s kind of a lot. But it’s okay. ‘Cause this time, even though I don’t know what to say … I think I finally know …
...
… what to do.”
“Pinkie… You have no idea how happy I am right now. I’ll admit that I get a little scatterbrained when I’m with you, and all I can think of right now is that your mane is really very soft, but it’s… nice. It’s nice to not have to think so hard about what’s coming next or what I’m supposed to say.
You’ll forgive me for being a bit… slow, as usual, but does this mean what I think it means?”
“No. No, I most certainly will not forgive you.
… because there’s nothing to forgive, you silly filly! You’re not slow. I mean, sure, you’re not as fast as Dashie, but nopony is as fast as Dashie! That doesn’t make you slow! As for what this means … well, I think it means …
… that I kinda really sorta super want to kiss you again, Twilight Sparkle. Because I kinda really sorta super am in love with you.”
“Is… is that right? Hmm. I wonder just what I should do about that?
Hmm… such a puzzler. Because after all…
I’m kind of in love with Pinkie Pie, myself. But that silly filly just keeps making excuses and jabbering away, and I’m kind of thinking maybe she doesn’t want to pick up where we left off after all. Which would be such a shame considering she can’t really get cranberry muffins any other way. Unless she wanted to hit up Spike, but I have a feeling she doesn’t really want to go that route.”
“Really, Twilight? Blackmail? Oh, you sneaky little smarty pants unicorn. But I’m afraid there’s one fatal flaw in your dastardly designs …
… who do you think showed Spike that cranberry muffin recipe in the first place?”
...
“Wow, Pinkie! Just... wow! I had no idea that you were such an excellent kisser! Where did you learn to do that thing with your tongue?”
“Oh, that? Hee! You’d be surprised about the kind of oral muscular skills you need to play the tuba and harmonica both at the same time! I’d be super duper happy to show you what I learned from playing the maracas …
… but, um, maybe we should get outta the bushes first? There’s kinda a whole bunch of ponies staring at us, and it might be good to have a little more privacy for the maracas stuff.”
“Your place or mine?”
--Baby Seal Notes--
This was super fun collaboration that I got to do with the amazing Donny's Boy, and he was kind enough to let me upload it here to my Twinkie shorts for the enjoyment of all. He wrote all of Pinkie's dialog and tweaked Rarity's, I wrote Twilight, and Kyronea and Lord-Tristan supplied the basis for Rarity's.
Hope you enjoyed!