Princess Xlestia!
Versus...
The human race!
Begin!
Xlestia:
Lets get the music over with, I have work to do!
Won't even recognise your home when I'm all through.
It's time I gave you chimps a Lesson Zero;
Once I'm finished you'll be calling me a hero.
I come from the land of sunshine and rainbows;
Your land is in the midst of its own death throes!
Hush now, quiet now, [stuff] is going down;
Hush now, quiet, Princess Pony is in town!
A true, true friend helps a friend in need;
too bad you've no friends around to see you bleed!
You better have some sweet counter rhymes to sell;
'cause at this rate you won't Mare Do Well.
Humans:
We have a special power ponies will never own.
And what would that be? Testosterone!
Speaking of such, when did you last take a 'roll in the hay'?
No wonder you're cranky, you're a thousand year old maid!
We don't care for your machinations;
you think we're scared of Flash Animations?!
You bring war, suffering, pain and strife;
nothing we haven't seen in real life.
We’ll fight to the end, come what may;
And when the magic is stripped away?
Your powers are bull[poo] and fanon.
Ready to face our party cannon?
Xlestia:
Crushing your dreams is more my sister's domain;
but I'm sure I'm enough to cause you all pain!
This Cutie Mark? I'll burn you all, Solar Ignition.
It may not be my destiny but it sure as [sun] is my mission.
You’ll see the real power of an Equestria Girl!
I can take whatever you idiots hurl!
You know what I decided through this Crystal Door?
You’re just one Magical Mystery Boor!
Humans:
You ain't Honest with us, and you sure ain't Kind;
what do you think we are, Sunspot, completely blind?
Your Loyalty's no good to us;
And you sure as [sun] ain't Generous.
Laughter's no fun when it's at our expense;
in fact we kinda take offence!
You know with all these problems great and small;
Sure you even know Magic at all?
Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!
Epic Rap Battles of History!
Captain Planet and the Planeteers
"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"
The superhero hung in mid-air for a moment, waiting expectantly for the ethnically diverse group of teenagers that called themselves the Planeteers to yell their normal cry of "Go Planet!"
When they didn't, he looked down. The Planeteers were cradling various injuries, a small army of ponies was standing around looking up at him in fading shock, and a giant transparent dome was closing in. "Well, I'd say the situation has gotten pear shaped, but that looks more like a dome to me."
One brave pegasus rushed the Captain, throwing his spear at full speed into the blue chest of the superhero with the green mullet. The tip harmlessly broke on impact.
As the pegasus hovered in mid-air, shocked, Captain Planet ruffled the pony's mane. "Now, now. Be careful with those - you might hurt someone!"
The superhero flinched as a bottle of Serum went flying past his ear. Historically when people threw jars of liquid, they would be filled with pollutants, his only weakness.
"Okay, if there's anything I can't stand, it's littering. Time to clean up." Captain Planet spun round on the spot until he was going so fast a tornado formed around him. Using said tornado, the Captain sucked up all the pegasi in the sky, then their ground-bound comrades.
"I'm declaring a new wildlife preserve." The Captain joked, dropping the dizzy ponies into a depression in the ground. "You stay in, and nobody gets hurt."
"Oh yeah?" One brash pegasus yelled back. "And what happens if we just fly out?"
"I think you'll find the situation you're in to be a bit stickier than you think!" The Captain flew off.
"What was that guy on about?" The pegasus muttered, raising his wings. "Just a flap of my wings, and - "
-SPLAT- A layer of a black sticky substance covered all the ponies from ears to tail. Hovering above his improvised pit, the Captain dropped the tree trunk he'd just superheated until it had burst.
"Pine tree sap makes a very nice glue." Captain Planet smiled, flying off to the Barrier, listening to the frustrated yells of stuck ponies. "Much kinder than the one made from, say, horses."
"Okay, this is new." The spirit muttered as he got a good look at the magical hemisphere. "Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained."
"Earth!" He cried, punching the Barrier with a glowing green fist. The magic of the dome and the sliver of Gaia's magic that made up the Captain's form struggled for the instant they were in contact, eventually repelling the Captain's fist but leaving the impacted spot on the dome glowing green.
"Fire!" Planet tried again with a swing from his left arm, this time leaving the dome glowing red.
"Wind!" White spot.
"Water!" Blue spot.
"Heart!" The Superhero put his full power behind the Strongest Power of All, joining the four points of impact together into a rough cross. The Captain struggled, but the Barrier struggled back, resisting the nature magic. Planet grabbed his right arm with his left, but he just couldn't punch through.
Need some help, Captain? The ethereal voice of Gaia echoed in Planet's head.
"Well, it'd just be rude of me to decline since you offered so nicely." Planet told his boss, still struggling to pierce the magical wall.
As soon as he accepted, he felt Gaia's full strength add itself to the force of his fist, which glowed an intense rainbow of combined magic. With a -crack-, the Barrier shattered and fell.
"Well, that plan's gone to pieces." The Captain dusted off his hands.
Planeteer Alert!
"While jumping around in time and space can be lots of fun, there are some basic precautions to be had before you leave." Linka, the Soviet member of the Planeteers started.
"Yeah, like not carrying freaking doomsday spells around with you!" Wheeler contributed in his New York accent.
"This seems like an obvious decision, but circumstances dictate the difference between harmless and world-ending." Kwame said in his own African accent.
"Generally, anything that can run without someone intelligent to manage it is a bad idea, especially if it can't be turned off in a hurry." Came the advice from Gi the Asian.
"It's best to keep in mind that even if you think it isn't a problem, the locals might not agree!" Ma-Ti of Brazil finished.
Tied to a chair and forced to listen to environmentalist propaganda, Xlestia groaned. "Kill me now."
"Do you have any suggestions as to how this Barrier could be broken, your Highness?"
The Solar Princess slowly shook her head in fake despair. "I do not. I do, however, have a suggestion that may salvage the lives of your people instead, if not their homes."
Xlestia expected to hear 'There must be another way!', 'Please, tell us you have another way!' or something of that nature.
Not 'There goes the hope that we could do this without Tesladyne Industries.' as muttered by an annoyed UN rep.
Xlestia blinked. "Tesladyne Industries?"
When the Solar Princess had made her way back to the Barrier, it was to find a human made of metal glaring at a screen.
"I'm pretty sure that golems cannot be built without magic, so that leaves the question of what you are." Xlestia addressed 'him'.
The metal man jumped a good foot in the air, spilling paperwork everywhere. "Jeez lady, don't sneak up on guys when they're working!"
The alicorn stared flatly back.
"What, they don't have robots in the land of sugar and rainbows?" Atomic Robo said.
Robot. Yes, because telling her the name of whatever he was made it so much easier for her to understand what it was and how it was moving.
Robo reached up a hand and rather pointlessly scratched his head. "You after something, lady?"
"As Princess of Equestria, I am naturally curious about the investigation into the phenomena that surrounds my country." Xlestia explained testily.
"Okay." Robo shrugged, starting to pick up the papers he'd scattered.
Xlestia waited for him to elaborate.
After a full minute of waiting, Xlestia rolled her eyes. "What do you think you can possibly do to this Barrier when the greatest of magics have failed against it?"
"Well, I'm going to use science on it." Robo replied off-hand.
"Science." Xlestia deadpanned.
"Yep."
"Science is a methodology for verifying information. It's the grown-up version of guess-and-check." The Alicorn derided.
Robo help up his left pointer finger, ready to defend the foundation of his life, before lowering it slowly. "Okay, that is true, but with an intelligent mind and a decent education you can make some pretty good guesses."
"Such as?"
Robo spared Xlestia an annoyed glance at her pestering. "Such as 'magic' seeming to have a lot in common with Edison's 'Odic force'. So I got out Mr Tesla's old Telluric Suit and reworked the math a bit. If this works, I'll have a way to repel 'magic' with electricity."
"Any pegasus will tell you that lightning and magic get along quite well actually." The ancient princess watched Atomic Robo strap on what appeared to be a rifle attached to a car battery.
"Natural lightning is D.C., this will be A.C." Robo half-heartedly explained, moving clear of his equipment and aiming his Lightning Gun at the Barrier.
"Clear!" He cried, pulling the trigger. An enormous stream of electricity, strong enough to make any pegasus jealous, jumped from the barrel of his weapon across the intervening space and 'splashing' against the Barrier. After five seconds of steady fire, Robo took his finger off the trigger.
"That did nothing." Xlestia denied coolly, hiding her inner relief.
Robo checked the monitor for his measuring instruments. "Actually, that did very little."
Xlestia turned to Robo and stared sharply at him.
Robo held his thumb and index finger close together. "My Lightning Gun deformed the thing about a millimetre."
"Hardly the accomplishment that will prevent it's encroachment upon your land." Xlestia pointed out, not as confident as she was a moment ago.
"Well no, but I just changed the solution from 'Impossible' to 'Absurdly Difficult'." Robo replied. "With a bit more work, I might even get it down to just plain 'Hard'."
Xlestia watched Robo turn to inspect other machinery. His back was now facing her. "You believe you can pull off such an operation?"
"Sure, I just have to - " And then the Solar Princess hit the robot in the back with a beam of solar plasma.
Xlestia flew a couple meters above the ground and looked around. Robo appeared to have been working alone. Good. In a half-hour or so the Barrier would envelop this work site and erase all evidence of -
Then the robot shot the princess in the face with a bolt of lightning.
Xlestia's Pegasus magic automatically tried to guide the electricity around her body rather than through it, but almost immediately the current changed directions, moving opposite to what her magic intended. No sooner had the magic changed to match than the current flipped directions again, digging deeper into her flesh. By the time the princess's aborted flight dropped her out of the path of the artificial bolt, millions of such direction changes had occurred.
Conscious soley thanks to her Earth Pony durability and smelling of burnt fur, Xlestia struggled to her hooves. "That hurt. Congratulations on getting a good hit in before your utter obliteration."
"I don't feel pain as such." Robo mentioned as he pulled himself clear of the poor melted equipment that had been behind him when Xlestia attacked. "But having my back panels melt is hardly my idea of fun."
Xlestia's horn glowed blindingly bright as she deliberately overcharged her Solar Beam spell.
Robo reached down and changed the dial on his Lightning Gun from 1 all the way up to 10.
It should be noted that the various settings on that dial had acquired names over the years since Nikola Tesla invented them. 1, for example, was 'The only acceptable setting'. 2 was 'Overkill'. 5 was 'What on God's green Earth do you think you're doing?!'
10 had the nickname of 'Anyone found out to have been using this setting will be fired posthumously'.
Robo pulled the trigger for all he was worth.
Kill la Kill (Warning! Spoilers!)
Invading this world had been problematic from the get-go. The ability levels of humans was exactly what she had expected (even lower, if the new-foals story about having to fight off an alien invasion were true). The trouble was, the personalities of the humans tended to be somewhere inbetween Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Or, sun help her, an unholy fusion of the two.
From the crazy girl who fought with a giant pair of scissors, to the idiot with a wooden sword, the giant of a man who attacked with a rulebook, or even the girl who blasted ponies back with what sounded suspiciously like Beethooven's symphonies. If she didn't know better, she would have said that they had picked up the most ridiculous weapon they could think off and refused to put it down out of sheer stubbornness.
Of course, that was just the human children. Half the human adults had immediately stripped their clothes off, announced themselves as the militia 'Nudist Beach', and proceeded to fire sewing needles at her ponies.
What kind of world was it, Xlestia wondered, where Rarity had been more helpful identifying the enemy weapons than anypony else?
Then of course there was the small problem that all of Equestria's clothing had turned out to be an alien plot to eat them. Even now, she was having to fend off Life Fibre tendrils from the Royal Wardrobe.
It really wasn't Xlestia's day.
"I don't care if you four are guardian goddess of the humans!" Xlestia snapped, flames already licking her mane. "Nothing will stop me from bringing Harmony to all!"
"Wait!" Neptune screamed out, flailing her arms.
Xlestia's left eye twitched as she paused just before her charge. "What is it?!"
"How many shares do you have?" The white-clothed silver-haired CPU asked politely, in contrast to her earlier light panic.
The Alicorn's face turned from one of anger to one of confusion. "Huh?"
Blanc nodded. "It's a gimmick we have. Share Energy is spread across the land of Gamindustri between the four kingdoms - well, five now. It determines how much power and influence a country and it's goddess have."
"Never heard of it." Xlestia dryly replied.
Neptune looked over her shoulder at a tiny fairy riding a floating book. "Histoire?"
Histoire nodded from her kneeling position. "It took me 3 minutes, but I found out Hasbro's - "
Vert interrupted in a stage whisper. "Equestria!"
Histoire coughed into her hand. "Yes, Equestria's share volume. At the time of writing - "
"Reading!" Neptune hissed.
" - reading, Equestria has a Market Cap of 9.45 billion Share Energy." Histoire finished.
All four CPUs let out a low whistle.
"Planeptune has 415.1 billion Share Energy..."
"What, really?" Neptune blinked.
Histoire glanced down at her book. "In Yen. That's about 3.38 billion USD."
"Rats." Neptune pouted.
"Lowee has 20.23 billion..."
Blanc nodded, quite happy to hear that her land was doing much better than the lame country that didn't even make consoles anymore.
"Lastation has 33.17 billion..."
"Heh." Noire grinned at her country's high showing.
"And Leanbox has 359.18 billion Share Energy." The info-fairy completed her summery of the power levels involved.
"WHAT?!" The other girls gaped at a beaming Vert.
Neptune recovered from the shock enough to clear her throat. "So ugh, even ignoring moneybags there with a stupidly large mega-corporation backing her up..."
"Basically, " Blanc interrupted. "'Nep-Nep' here is the only one of us who can't kick your furry backside from here to the release of Half-Life 3."
"Mere numbers and statistics!" Xlestia dismissed.
"Wanna bet?" Neptune grinned, activating her transformation to HDD mode.
Xlestia carried out the initial stage of her plan flawlessly. Her entire kingdom was transported from its native world to this new one, the Barrier preventing any foolish counter attack.
Only… she couldn’t find the humans.
“Any luck?” She asked the returning Pegasi scouts.
The head of the scouts, Hurricane Winds shook her head. “Not a peep of any little guys – just those huge monster things.”
“Well, they have to be somewhere.” Xlestia frowned. “We must have searched half the planet by now. Unless the entire human race is all huddled up in one spot, we really should have found them."
Hurricane Winds shifted uneasily. “Yeah, uh, Princess? Speaking of those monster things…”
“Yes?” Xlestia tilted her head. They had been a concern of course, but the Barrier kept them at bay. Even if they did have the annoying trait of regrowing whatever body parts the magical dome vaporised.
“Well, some of the girls went to go take a closer look at them, and not all of them came back…”
The Princess grimaced. Losing ponies to the teeth of monsters was hardly a new experience – Equestria was filled with the likes of Hydras and Chimeras which outright favoured pony in their diet – but losing them always stung.
The respectful moment of silence was interrupted by screaming.
Looking up and into the distance, the Alicorn gasped. At about six foot herself, she was used to being the tallest pony by far.
She was not used to seeing pony-shaped things whose heads were thirty feet above the ground.
"Pony monsters?!" Hurricane screamed.
"Calm down everypony!" Xlestia boomed, Royal Canterlot Voice in full effect. "They won't get through the - "
The Pony Titans galloped straight through the Barrier, not slowing for a second.
"Horseradish!"
The Mind in charge of GSV Asks Stupid Questions opened up a comm line to the Mind running GSV Answers Stupid Questions. “Are they… serious?”
“Best as I can tell, yes; they are trying to assimilate other cultures by forcibly occupying all the space on the planet’s surface.” The other AI replied.
Asks Stupid Questions spent several picoseconds (an eternity for a Mind) repeatedly checking its sensor data.
"Ugh." The stupidly powerful AI in charge of the stupidly powerful spaceship 'muttered' in contempt. "Planet-bound primitives."
"It must suck being a civilisation that doesn't manufacture it's own living space." Answers Stupid Questions agreed. Who would live on a planet when you could have a nice Orbital?
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Captain's Log, stardate 45131.3.
There are some very hard to deal with species in the universe.
Some are a matter of biology, such as the Medusans, the very sight of which drives men mad.
Others are a matter of culture. Both the Klingons and Romulans readily came to mind, but they at least can comprehend pleasure, antagonism and love; unlike the Iyaarans.
The species who have appeared on Colony K2-L (whose name appears to translate directly as 'pony') seem to be antagonistic purely based on the Federation failing some moral criteria. So far, that put them in the same category as the Metrons.
As the ponies seemed to lack subspace communications, long-range telepathy, or even basic radio; the crew of the Enterprise resorted to a fireworks display to attract attention so that verbal communication may be established. Counsellor Troi and Commander Data have had the misfortune of conducting First Contact with a civilisation that had already decided it didn't like us.
Thankfully, the new inhabitants of Colony K2-L have agreed to arrange a meeting with one of their rulers: the princess of daytime, Celestia.
Captain Picard listened carefully to the list of grievances the alicorn was airing against the human race. The fact that she was doing so in a partially terraformed field not too far away from the energy field she referred to as the 'Barrier' did not diminish the grandeur of her speech. Notably, she described warfare, famine, extreme poverty, and discrimination as 'barbaric'.
The captain waited patiently for the princess to finish, making sure that he had not missed anything. Data was impassive as always, Riker was looked quite annoyed, and Troi was covering her mouth to hide her giggles.
As the pony ruler wound down, Picard discreetly whispered to his ship's councillor. "Is that everything?"
"Yes, Captain." The empath whispered back. Picard nodded confidently.
"Your Royal Highness," Picard addressed Xlestia "by what means did you acquire your information about the human race?"
Xlestia blinked in confusion. Of all their possible responses, she had not expected that one. "Does it matter?"
"Well, it appears that however you observed us, your information is over three hundred years out of date." Picard explained slyly.
Xlestia narrowed her eyes. "Explain."
"Well, famine and extreme poverty were eliminated with the invention of the protein resequencer; and warfare and discrimination vanished with the advent of United Earth." Picard deliberately did not mention that both of those things had been heavily motivated by attempts to 'clean up' after WWIII under Vulcan supervision. It was, of course, standard protocol in First Contact situations to Not Mention the War.
Also there wasn't an awful lot the Federation could do if someone declared war on them, but such was life.
Some of the fire had left Xlestia's eyes and had been replaced with hints of uncertainty. "United Earth...?"
"The governing body that ruled all of humanity," until colonies began to break away, but that was neither here nor there "and one of the founding members of the United Federation of Planets: where races from all across the stars join together for mutual betterment and defence."
The alicorn's eyes hardened slightly. "Prove it."
Picard glanced at Troi, who stepped forwards and spoke. "My father was human, but my mother was a Betazoid. I am proof of their love for one another."
"Wait, you mean you're like a mule?" A rainbow-'haired' pegasus blurted from behind her princess.
A white unicorn gave a shocked look at her friend. "Rainbow! Don't imply that somebody's parent was an Ass!" She froze for a moment, before turning to the donkey on her other side. "Not that there's anything wrong with being an Ass, of course..."
Cranky Doodle Donkey gave Rarity a flat glare.
"Humanity... changed?" Xlestia said softly. "They... learned to make friends with others?"
"Well of course we did." Riker spat, before being hushed by a look from his captain.
Xlestia was silent for several moments, before turning her head towards the Barrier and, with a slight glow of her horn, halted it's movement. When she turned back to the assembled explorers, she looked far less regal and more humble. "If you would, please... tell me more about this 'United Federation'."
Picard smiled. "Of course, Your Highness."
"Oh, come on!"
The Enterprise crew, the Mane Six, and Xlestia all recoiled simultaneously. "Oh no, not him." Picard and Xlestia said together before sharing confused looks.
With his usual flash of light, Q appeared in the outfit the Enterprise crew had met him in. "Captain, oh my captain, surely it's not going to end that easily! Come on, put up a little of the human fighting spirit!"
Riker resisted the urge to copy his captain and facepalm. "Didn't we spend our first encounter proving that we aren't like that?"
Xlestia tried to work a sentence through her confusion. "You... aren't Discord?"
"Somepony mention me?" Xlestia's shadow morphed into the shape of a draconequus and spoke, causing even the Enterprise veterans to take a step back in confusion.
"Hey!" Q snapped, losing interest in Picard. "Who are you and what are you doing with my voice!?"
"Your voice?" Discord rose out of the ground into a 3D shape, but was still made of Xlestia's shadow. "This is my voice! Get your own!"
"I'll have you know I've had this voice since the beginning of time!" Q raised pointed at Discord angrily.
Discord grasped his hands to his chest. "Maybe, but I make it sound good."
"Merde/By the sun..." Picard and Xlestia murmured in unison. "There's two of them."
Q seemed to remember where he was. "You're really going to talk the whole thing out?" He demanded of the captain and the princess.
"That's what we do!" The Mane Six and Enterprise crew said together.
Q rolled his eyes. "Well if you're going to be as boring as that, I'll go see what the Mirror Universe is doing!" So saying, he vanished with a flash.
"He's going where!?" Picard and Xlestia spoke with equal amounts of dread. "Wait, you have one of those as well?"
Star Trek [Mirror Universe]
(Also Equestria [Mirror Universe] - no not Equestria Girls, the other Mirror Universe)
In a world where evil was good and good was evil, two alicorn sisters hovered just inside the breathable part of the local atmosphere. Just as Xlestia had started out antagonistic but had been calmed by the nature of the Star Trek universe, Mirror!Xlestia had started out calm but had been enraged by the Mirror Universe.
Her mane styled to look like rams horns, Mirror!Xlestia frantically scanned the stars above with a telescope. "There! Near the claw of that constellation that looks like a crab!"
Mirror!Luna, horn brightly aglow, swung the moon around like an enormous ball until it was in front of the star in question. "Here?"
Mirror!Xlestia frantically made a pulling gesture. "Forwards! Forwards! It's in front of the moon!"
The Princess of the Night pulled the moon closer to the two of them. "Did I get it this time?"
Her sister cursed. "No, it did that weird stretchy thing they do. Where did it go...?!" Mirror!Xlestia panicked.
Having warped off to the side to avoid the moon currently being used as a wrecking ball, the local counterpart of the Enterprise-D locked on to the two comparatively tiny targets.
"Agony beams ready to fire." Mirror!Natasha Yar reported.
Mirror!Picard gave a cruel smile. "Make it so."
Q watched as the lines of pure pain lanced into the alicorns, sipping from a conjured glass of orange juice. It wasn't good for his moral superiority to see his favourite starship captain do the right thing all the time, so hanging out in the alternate timeline where he and all his friends were monsters was good for his ego.
"Don't worry, girls!"
Q's orange juice came out his nostrils as he noticed Mirror!Discord floating behind him... or as he's more commonly known, Captain Good Guy. The costume-wearing draconequus snapped his fingers, turning the Agony Beams into orange juice, which blasted the alicorns back but stopped hurting them. Simultaneously, Q found himself holding a glass of Agony. He frowned, and dismissed the glass back into the aether.
"Paragons of villainy you might be, but nobody deserves to suffer that much! In the name of the moon, I'll humiliate you!"
Q glared at the spirit with his voice. How was he supposed to feel good about himself with that buffoon running around sounding like him?