Once Upon a Time…
In a kingdom far away there lived a poor farmer named Applejack. Although her name would lead you to believe she harvested apples, it was a common misconception.
“Misconception means incorrect! Wait, thats a big word too… hmm.. mistake? boo boo?!”
Thank you Pinkie. Applejack and her mother Mrs. Sparkle were in fact cotton farmers, and as every pony knows, clothing for ponies was an unnecessary luxury, especially in hard times like these. Therefore, they were suffering financially.
“Why don’t you just say they needed bits?”
That’s what that means Pinkie.
“Oh. Carry on then!”
Times were so hard in fact that Mrs. Sparkle and her daughter had only one last thing to their name, a cow named Rainbovine.
“I GET IT! Because a “Bovine” means cow, and it’s Rainbow Dash!”
On the day that Mrs. Sparkle and her daughter finished the last of their bread, she turned to her daughter and said.
“You must go into town and sell our cow for some bits or we shall surely starve.”
“Our cow? You mean Rainbow?” Applejack inquired.
“Awwwww Y-mooooo.” Rainbovine replied.
“Don’t dawdle Applejack, and don’t stop for anything on your way. Accept no less than ten bits for her.”
So with Rainbovine in tow, Applejack made her way along the worn path towards town.
“Mooo” Rainbovine said.
“So is that all you can say then?” Applejack asked turning to the cow she considered her friend.
“Uh… moo?” Rainbovine replied
“Well howdy there and hello to you fellow traveler!” A smooth-talking sales pony and his brother said approaching Applejack with friendly yet somehow still sinister smiles.
“Lemme guess.” Applejack started. “You’re interested in the cow?”
“Mighty fine beast you got there.” One of the two said, while his brother added. “If you’re lookin’ to sell I’m sure we could take it off your hooves for say… oh… five bits?”
“Five bits? Aren’t ya supposed to be tricking me into selling ‘er for some magic beans?”
“Magic beans?” One of the brothers said then turned to the other. “Why… of course we have ourselves some magic beans!”
“Magic to its finest!” the other brother agreed.
“Of course, these here are precious beans, and we wouldn’t part with them for just anything—“
“Do we got a trade or what?” Applejack said rather irritated.
“Deal!” the pair of them answered.
“Really?! I mean… MOO?!” Rainbovine objected.
But before another word could be said, the pair of ponies had vanished with Rainbovine leaving poor foolish Applejack with three lousy and ordinary beans.
“Wait, they’re supposed to be MAGIC beans!”
Ah yes, of course Pinkie, three lousy and magical beans.
“Better.”
When Applejack proudly presented the beans to her mother, however, Mrs. Sparkle was far less than pleased.
“Beans!? BEANS?! I sent you into town for bits not beans! We cannot live on three beans Applejack! What were you thinking?!”
“I’m just doin’ what’s supposed to be done and I know for a fact this story has the cow traded for beans!”
“Worthless!” Mrs. Sparkle exclaimed tossing the beans from her hoof and into the dry brittle yard just outside the window.
“Well maybe you could use your ALICORN MAGIC to make ‘em into magic beans!”
“I don’t know what you are talking about. There’s no such thing as magic beans, end of story. Now off to bed with you, I will have to come up with another plan to get food in this house.” Mrs. Sparkle said bitterly.
What Mrs. Sparkle didn’t know was that the beans she had unknowingly planted were in fact magical, and by the full moon’s light, they took root in the hard soil and sprung up into a beanstalk that soared into the sky and pierced through cloud. When morning finally came, Applejack and her mother gazed in awe at the beanstalk letting their imaginations run wild with the possibilities of where it would lead.
“Maybe I should climb it.” Applejack announced at last.
“Are you sure Applejack? It looks rather dangerous…” Mrs. Sparkle said, shaking in her hooves.
“Dangerous? How is this dangerous? There’s a spiral ramp conveniently wrapped around the beanstalk leading all the way up.”
“Please be careful my daughter!” Mrs. Sparkle said, embracing Applejack one final time before Applejack began the climb.
“Honestly. The least these story-tellers could do is write in a proper challenge. What, do they think I can’t climb a beanstalk on my own?” Applejack ranted? just before she broke through cloud cover.
“Well… that was fast.” Applejack added, taking a look around and discovered an entire world above the clouds that no pony could have ever dreamed.
“Wait… am I expected to walk on this here cloud? I’m still just an earth pony you know… I can’t do that sort of thing without Twilight’s magic. Ah well.” Applejack took a wary step onto the cloud and found much to her surprise that it was as firm as solid ground. She wandered away from the beanstalk and took note of the strange plants which seemed far larger than those back in Equestria. Even the blades of grass could tower above her in some places. After wandering for a few minutes, Applejack came upon a giant building and her eyes widened when she beheld it.
“A… bakery. It’s a giant bakery. Gee. I wonder who could possibly live in a giant bakery in the sky.” Applejack said rather sarcastically. Still, she knew that bakeries had all manner of wonderful things to eat, and that perhaps this was the answer to all of her problems.
Without so much as a knock, Applejack easily slipped under the giant bakery doors and craned her neck up to see shelves upon shelves of wonderful things to eat. There were pastries, creams, pies, cakes, donuts, and loaves of delicious bread for as far as she could see. The only problem was that each of these delectable goodies were too high to reach and too heavy to lift and bring back home. While she pondered her predicament, Applejack could hear a faint tooting sound coming from somewhere on the table nearby. She wandered closer, the sound becoming progressively louder as she did so. It reminded her of the sound of a tuba intermingled with the sobs of a pony. Once she had reached one of the legs of the table she paused.
“Oh look. Another conveniently placed spiral ramp leading from the floor to the table, how totally unexpected.”
Applejack warily climbed the leg of the table and once she reached the top she saw an array of wonderful sugary things to eat. There were jellies as tall as buildings, pies as wide as farmland, cakes as deep as ravines and all manner of candy scattered about in a chaotic fashion. She was so overtaken by the sight that she nearly forgot the reason she had climbed in the first place. It wasn’t until she heard another loud and out-of-tune tuba toot that she continued her pursuit of the sound. When she turned the corner Applejack saw what she believed to be a regular Tuba slumped against a piece of blueberry pie. What she didn’t realize was that the Tuba itself was moving and sobbing as it made its off-key noises.
“Uh… everything alright there miss…” Applejack started.
“AH! TOOT! Oh! Don’t startle me like that darling, I hate tooting in front of guests.” The Tuba exclaimed.
“Are… are you supposed to be a magical talking tuba?”
“Yes, oh WOE is me! TOOT!”
“I thought you were supposed to be a harp… isn’t it a magical singing harp?” Applejack asked
“A harp!? Oh I wish it were so darling TOOT but instead I am stuck as a dreadful tuba making all kinds of terrible TOOT noises. Oh but where are my manners? Hello there young traveler I am Raritoot.”
“…Really?”
“Yes really! And I am dreadfully sorrowful. … well go on, ask me why I am sorrowful.”
“Why are you s—“
“BECAUSE I am a CAPTIVE in this dreadful place, forced to play party music for the wicked giant’s many parties. I would rather be playing classical pieces and sounding as light as a lute. But no, I am stuck playing such tunes as ‘Every Pony Dance Now’ and the Tuba rendition of the MACARENA!” Raritoot cried, and with each sob she let out another dreadful tooting sound. Applejack winced at the noise and covered her ears. At this point she would say anything to make the awful noises stop.
“Well uh… hows about I help you escape then?” Applejack offered.
“You… you would do that for me?!” Raritoot exclaimed. “Oh how wonderful! We will become the best of friends you and I. Perhaps you can learn to play the violin or the cello… and then we can perform concerts together and—“
“Woah now, wait just a minute, I said I’d help you escape, I never said you could come home with me!”
“But I have nowhere else to go…” Raritoot whined, letting out another series of toots with her sobs. “You simply MUST take me with you!”
“I don’t… know…” Applejack stammered; frightened of the prospect of having to listen to this dreadful sound any longer than she had to.
“I can surely make it worth your while, darling!” Raritoot offered.
“And how’s that?”
“I know of a magical tree that the giant keeps which bears the fruit of golden apples, each one 24 carat at least! They’re mighty delicious darling if used the right way, though I suppose they could be sold for profit too if you so desired.”
“Golden apples! So that’s why I’ve been led here! Show me the way Rari…toot…!”
“And then I can come with you?”
“Sure. Why not. I can shove the golden apples in my ears to drown out the tooting.”
“Ooo this is positively MARVELOUS!” Raritoot exclaimed(sounds of delight), tooting loudly and in rapid succession.
“Could you TRY not to do that, please?” Applejack said covering her ears again.
“I’ll do my best, darling, but I AM a Tuba after all. It’s in my nature. Follow me then. Oh, and don’t eat any of the food or there will be drastic consequences…”
“What kind of consequences?”
“Let us hope you don’t find out. Come along!”
Applejack followed after Raritoot though her interest had certainly been piqued. Why would taking a bite of food be so wrong? At first, it was an easy request to follow, but with each new delicious treat after another, they became more and more tempting. It seemed to Applejack that each new dessert was better than the last and her stomach grumbled every time she avoided taking a bite. She hadn’t eaten since the day before and even then it was a meager meal at best. Still, Applejack did as Raritoot had advised, until she caught sight of the most amazing dessert she had ever seen and smelled.
“What… is THAT?”
“Why… it’s a golden-apple pie of course. Made from the apples of the tree we are seeking.”
“Golden… apple…” Applejack trailed off, her hooves unconsciously walking closer to it.
“Here we are darling! The tree is just around the corner—wait, what are you DOING? TOOT!” Raritoot screamed with a loud toot of distress. Applejack had wandered over to the pie, her eyes transfixed on its golden filling. Her mouth watered and her stomach grumbled loudly, and though she could hear Raritoot’s annoying and loud warnings not to; Applejack leaned in and took a bite. It was the most amazing pie she’d ever tasted and she buried her face into the pie for another bite.
Without missing a beat, the giant door burst open scaring Applejack (scream) so much that she lept into the golden apple pie to hide. Standing at the door with a large grin on her face was none other than Pinkie the Giant.
“Fee Fii Diddly Dumm De Do… fum… fee… who DARES steal a bite from my tasty pastry!”
Pinkie the Giant bounced from the door to the table, causing the room to quake as if the earth itself was moving. Raritoot screamed with a toot and ducked behind a large piece of cake while Applejack struggled (gah!) to keep her hat on her head as the golden apple pie bounced up and down on the table top.
“Hmm… all clear here.” Pinkie the Giant said as she inspected a cupcake on the opposite end of the table. “Nothing wrong here… or here…” she examined each pastry, picking them up one at a time looking for little missing pieces or nibbles. Applejack frantically poked her head up out of the pie and looked for a new hiding place. She saw Raritoot giving her a nasty glare and then she noticed the tree she had been searching for. It was no more than fifty yards from the pie with a yellow trunk and light pink leaves and on each of the many branches hung bright golden apples. Although the room was shaking with every bounce from the giant, Applejack could have sworn she saw the tree shaking in fear all on its own.
“Awww my prized pie!” Pinkie exclaimed, pulling the golden apple pie up to her nose to smell.
“W-woah!” Applejack shouted, falling with a splat back into the pie.
“WHAT?! MY PIE CAN TALK?!” Pinkie cried, dropping the pie onto the table and causing many other desserts to fall over. “Say something else oh magical deliciousness!”
Applejack coughed and popped her head up out of the pie gasping for air before she met the gaze of the rather disappointed giant.
“Aww… you’re not a talking pie at all! You’re a pie THIEF!” Pinkie the Giant said reaching down with her hoof and scooping Applejack out of the pie. Applejack was barely able to grab her hat in time and cringed when she put its wet stickiness back on her head.
“Who are you and what do you want with my desserts!?” Pinkie the Giant growled.
“You… don’t know who I am Pinkie?”
“Of course I don’t Applejack, this is the first time I’ve ever seen you before!”
“But you just…”
“IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY! You have defiled my greatest work and now you must pay! TUBA?”
“Y-yes miss giant?” Raritoot said coming forward at last.
“Play me a tune! An old western kind of tune! Seeing this pony in a hat gives me a GREAT idea!”
Before Applejack could wonder what Pinkie the Giant could possibly be planning, she found herself in another corner of the bakery where a collection of pony-sized toys were haphazardly strewn across the counter top. Within a flash, Applejack was re-dressed in cowpony boots, a white hat, and a vest where a cheap but golden sheriff star was pinned. While Applejack tried to figure out how she could be dressed so quickly, Pinkie the Giant had set up an entire old-western scene complete with shops, desert sand, and an old railroad track.
“What’s this here set-up all about?” Applejack asked, attempting to take off her hat. Of course Pinkie the Giant would have none of that, she readjusted the hat on Applejack’s head and cleared her throat. She picked up a little purple alicorn toy dressed in a similarly designed black outfit and a crudely drawn black mustache.
“Ha ha ha! We meet again sheriff Applebottom! You can never stop me or my nefar—nafferous—nef—EVIL PLAN!”
“Are… we really doing this Pinkie?”
“QUIET! Don’t you want to know what my plan is?”
Applejack sighed
“What nefarious plan have you concocted Pinkie?”
“Pinkie? Who is this pinkie? I am midnight moonshine! The wanted outlaw!”
“Moonshine? You do realize that’s another name for—“
“AHHHH HELP ME SHERIFF APPLEBOTTOM!” Pinkie said, speaking for a different toy on the playset. This was a white unicorn mare with a deep purple mane that was tied crudely to the train track with a piece of giant yarn.
“HAHAHA! Save her if you can Applebottom! And while you do, I will rob the cookie bank! No pony can stop me!”
Applejack looked from Pinkie to the toys that were roughly her size.
“I don’t have time for this.”
Pinkie lowered her head and rested it on the table, looking Applejack in the eye glaring darkly.
“What did you say?”
“I… said… fret not miss—“
“Rarity.”
“Oh so we’re not changing her name then?”
“Nothing else fit right.”
From across the way, Raritoot made an unimpressed tooting sound.
“Miss Rarity then. I shall save you.”
Applejack sauntered towards the Rarity doll, it too was dressed for the part, wearing a red frilly gown and a hat that she was sure the real Rarity would never dare to wear. She bit down on the yarn and pulled, wondering what the catch was. That was, of course, when Applejack caught sight of the toy train heading her way.
“Hurry Miss Applebottom!”
“Really?!”
“Hurry… HURRY… HURRY!”
“Consarnit, I’m doin’ my best!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Pinkie screamed in place of the Rarity doll just as Applejack pulled it free. The toy train sped by and straight off the counter, landing with a crash on the unforgiving ground below. This did not seem to deter Pinkie as she cheered for the doll.
“Oh Applebottom, you’re my hero!”
“I sure am Pin-Rarity. Are we uh… done now?”
“Done?! We’ve only just begun!” Pinkie the Giant exclaimed, motioning to a cupboard behind her to show Applejack the many hundreds of outfits and play-sets she had stored away for play time. The pit of Applejack’s stomach dropped and her eyes widened, imagining the horrors that were to come.
“Buuuuut I do have to take a teensy weensy break to finish baking all the goodies for the party! Giant Gummy’s cake must be perfect!” Pinkie the Giant said scooping Applejack up with one swipe of her hoof. She hummed merrily to herself as she placed Applejack on a shelf in the play cupboard as if she were now one of the many toys Pinkie had collected.
As Pinkie closed the cupboard door, Applejack quickly pushed her hat in the way of the lock. Pinkie the Giant turned the key and bounced away assuming she had successfully locked Applejack inside. From the table below, Raritoot caught sight of Applejack’s trick and intended to use her music to aid in her escape. She turned her attention to Pinkie the giant, tooting as she hobbled towards her.
“Might I play you a tune while you cook your delicacies?” Raritoot offered with a smile.
“A happy working song?!”
No Pinkie, Disney claimed the rights to that one.
“Awww…”
“Perhaps something soothing” Raritoot offered, trying her best to play a tune to lull the giant to sleep; a hard task to do when you’re a Tuba.
Of course, as it is with these sorts of fairy tales, Pinkie the Giant was helpless to Raritoot’s song. She set down her giant baking sheet of cookies and rested her head on the table.
After a few minutes of silence Applejack could hear her soft snores. She struggled a little at first to pull her hat free then bucked the wood of the door to open it. Being careful not to make a sound, Applejack lept from the cupboard and onto the countertop securing her hat back on her head. She looked to the door and almost ran to safety when she remembered the delicious golden apples. She thought perhaps if the giant slept long enough she could take the tree for herself.
“Wait a minute! Applejack wouldn’t steal!”
Pinkie, you’re supposed to be asleep.
“Oh… right…”
Applejack crept along the countertop, hopping from saucepan to baking sheet making her way back towards the table. At long last she had reached the golden apple tree, marveling at the delicious fruit that it grew.
“Maybe I could have just one…” Applejack said, turning around to buck at the bark of the tree and cause an apple to fall.
“Oh… um… if you don’t mind I would rather you didn’t do that.” A soft voice said.
Applejack fell over in surprise and looked up at the tree in confusion.
“Fluttershy?! Are you… are you a tree?”
“Um… who is Fluttershy?” the tree responded.
“Aren’t you… well, then who ARE you?” Applejack asked.
“I’m… Fluttertree…”
“Of course. Of course you’re called Fluttertree. Alright, I’ll play along. Ahem. Fluttertree, would you be so kind as to allow me to take you home with me?”
“Oh… I don’t know… that’s not very nice. I mean I don’t really like it here but it would be so sad if the giant woke up and her tree was missing.”
“What does Fluttertree want?” Applejack asked.
“Well… will there be little animals where you live?”
“I live on a farm; little critters are always wandering about!”
“Oh! Like little pigs and cows and chickens? Maybe even some song birds and squirrels!”
“Something like that. So what’d ya say?”
“A-alright. I’ll come with you, but… how do you expect to carry me away all on your own?”
“I figured I’d use the conveniently placed wagon about ten feet from where I’m standin’.”
Applejack said, tilting her head to the side to indicate to the little red wagon waiting behind Fluttertree.
“I guess all them ramps make sense now. Can’t wheel ya outta here without ‘em!”
Applejack pushed the Fluttertree towards the wagon and then used every ounce of her strength to lift it into place. As she strained and groaned under the weight of the tree, one of the golden apples shook loose and plopped right onto her head.
“Oh! I’m so sorry!” Fluttertree apologized.
Applejack merely shook her head and picked up the apple that had fallen. She rubbed it on her vest before taking a mouth-watering bite.
“Mmm we’re gonna be the talk of the town once I get these here apples home. No pony will be able to resist ‘em, and our money troubles will be over!” Applejack declared, finishing the apple with a satisfied smirk. She took the handle of the wagon in her mouth and carefully pulled it along the tabletop as far from the sleeping giant as she could.
From the corner of her eye, Raritoot could see Applejack and Fluttertree nearing the edge of the table where the ramp around the leg would take them safely down. She gasped in horror thinking that Applejack had forgotten her promise to take her along. She hurried across the table towards them, each hop making a toot sound. The more frantically she hopped, the louder and off-key the toots became.
“Shh! SHH! Can’t you keep that racket down?!” Applejack exclaimed, watching the giant fearfully.
“You FORGOT ME?” Raritoot exclaimed, another loud toot as she cried. “After all I’ve done for you and you were just going to LEAVE ME HERE!?”
“Shh! I was not! I was gonna get this here tree to the floor first and then come back for you, I swear!”
“A LIKELY STORY!” Raritoot said, sobbing overdramatically. “You didn’t even want me to go with you in the first place. Who would want a useless ugly ole tuba lying around the house?”
“Please Raritoot, you have to keep it down! The giant might wake up and—“
“It’s ALWAYS about that silly old tree isn’t it? Oh these apples are SOOO delicious, what an amazing tree, such a magical wonder, I bet it’s the rarest fruit ever grown….”
“Raritoot!”
“NO!” Raritoot exclaimed, letting out a loud toot as she did so. Applejack put a hoof to her face and closed her eyes when she heard the unwelcomed sound of the giant waking up.
“Wha-huh? I NEVER ORDERED THAT BUNGEE JUMPING EQUIPMENT… I… mean… what’s going on here? Hey! Where’s my Tuba? My Golden apple tree?”
“RUN!” Applejack shouted, wheeling Fluttertree down the leg of the table and towards the door.
“Wait for me!” Raritoot objected, bumping into a large cupcake as she pursued Applejack. The cupcake teetered on the edge of the table before landing with a splat mere inches from Fluttertree. Applejack smeared some of the splattered frosting from her face with distain before continuing on towards the opened door.
“Wait… I left the door open?”
Yes Pinkie it’s called a plot device.
“Well that wasn’t very smart of me! Applejack might get away with my stuff!”
That’s the point Pinkie.
“Oh… okay you can continue!”
As Applejack neared the exit, Pinkie the Giant listened for the toots of her Tuba until she spotted them making their exit. She growled and raced for the door ahead of them. Before she could make it, however, Pinkie stepped down on the fallen cupcake and slid from one end of the room to the other colliding into the wall.
“I’m okay! I’m okay…”
Applejack, Raritoot, and Fluttertree made their way outside and towards the beanstalk. Pinkie the Giant was on their tail and Raritoot screamed a toot so loudly in panic that Applejack’s ears went flat against her head.
“Could you stop that? We’re trying to make our escape here!”
“GET BACK HERE THIEF! EVEN IF IT IS UNCHARACTERISTIC THAT YOU WOULD BE STEALING ANYTHING WE’RE GOING TO IGNORE THAT FOR STORY PURPOSES!” Pinkie the Giant shouted after them.
Applejack bucked Raritoot up into the wagon (yip sound) alongside Fluttertree then got behind the wagon to push it.
“What are you doing?!” Raritoot objected.
“Hang on Miss Tuba, we’re in for a ride!” Applejack said pushing the wagon onto the beanstalk then hopping into it herself. With a loud “YEE HAW!” the three of them rolled down the beanstalk ramp, Raritoot screaming the entire way down.
Mrs. Sparkle had waited half the day for her daughter to return. She looked up at the beanstalk curiously when she heard the strange sound of a screaming Tuba. Much to her surprise, Applejack and her two new companions rolled off the Beanstalk missing the house to land in the dead cotton fields.
“Twilight! The axe! Quick!”
From the clouds above, Pinkie the Giant waited at the top of the beanstalk and watched Applejack make her decent. Hold on… why are you waiting Pinkie? Shouldn’t you be pursuing them?
“Oh that would be silly! I’m a giant and I could have caught up to them in two bounces, not to mention I could climb down much faster than a rolling wagon. I’d be at the bottom before she even had a CHANCE to find an axe.”
So you’re just going to wait here for her.
“Yep! It’s a pretty big plot hole in the original story if you ask me.”
Once Applejack’s axe began chipping away at the beanstalk, Pinkie the Giant resumed her chase, sliding down the beanstalk like it was a firepony pole.
“WEEEEEEEEEE!”
Before she could reach the ground however, Applejack’s axe had cut clean into the beanstalk and the entire plant toppled to the ground.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Pinkie the Giant was a few feet from the ground when she suddenly stopped in midair and righted herself, landing softly on her hooves.
“I’m like a cat, always landing on my paws! … hooves!”
Except when you slipped on the cupcake two minutes ago.
“WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT!”
Once on the ground, Pinkie the Giant spotted the only living creature in sight was a brightly colored cow with rainbow hair. She shook on her hooves when she looked up at the giant, too shocked to run.
“Oh my goodness! IT’S A RAINBOVINE! I bet I can get her to give me rainbow milk too! Then I can make rainbow butter, rainbow cake, rainbow pudding…”
Pinkie the Giant leaned down and scooped up the cow.
“Moo? Moo!? MOOO!?” Rainbovine protested.
“Who needs crummy ole golden apples anyway? This is so much better!” Pinkie the Giant said. She grabbed a tuft of cloud passing by and fashioned it into a flight of stairs. She hummed a merry tune to herself as she bounced back up to her home in the sky, drowning out the frantic mooing of Rainbovine as she went.
Meanwhile, Applejack and her mother delighted in their new Fluttertree, picking the golden apples that would magically reappear once the fruit had been picked. With the seeds from the apples they re-planted their dead fields until an entire orchard of Fluttertrees sprang up from the ground.
“Oh… I’m sorry did I hit your branch? Oh pardon me! I’m sorry. Could you um… move a little? You’re resting on my root. Oh look a little blue jay! Where?! Oh he’s so cute!”
Raritoot spent her time playing songs for Applejack and Mrs. Sparkle as they harvested their new crop, whether they liked it or not. And with the money they earned making golden apple products, they were finally able to pay off their debts and live a comfortable life.
The End.