Natives
"Oh, hey, next island, and there's a village!" Nadene called to my room over the PA system. It works like a normal PA, except magic currents instead of electric. I mean, really? So magic is basically their version of electric fields.
"Good, tell the core group to suit up. We'll go take a look." I put on my armor and headed out to the top deck, meeting my crew there, all carrying their respective weapons and gear.
"Now, remember, we're not looking for a fight. Don't draw your weapons unless we're attacked. We're trying to get a doctor, not scare them."
"So, we're going fully armed because?"
"Rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it. There's no telling how they'll react to having a bunch of foreigners here."
Leaving our ship in the usual method, this time having the crew stay on board, as we could just fly up instead of needing to walk, as Selma was not with us, we set off towards the village. Landing on the outskirts, we entered cautiously, drawing the frightened gazes of the zebras within.
"Well, so much for making a good first impression, they're already scared of us. Think it's because we're different, or because we're pirates?"
"HALT!" I spotted a pony, not a zebra, a pony guard walk up to us with his wings flared. His armor was bright and shiny. He was holding up several wanted posters. Guess who were on them?
'Shiny armor, either he just got a new set or he's new himself, judging by the way his knees are knocking, I'd say the second.'
"Beat it kiddo, we ain't here to cause trouble." Gilda scowled.
"As if I'll believe a bunch of pirates!" He lowered himself into a combat stance. Gilda was about to charge, but I held her back.
"Maria, here's a test of your combat ability. Subdue the guard." Nadene nimbly hopped off her ride, and the shy griffin stepped forward.
"Um, hi, um, I'm Maria." She dug her claw into the ground nervously.
"You're seriously sending a girl to fight me? I thought you were supposed to be big scary pirates, not wimps." The guard mocked.
"Oh? And what's wrong with being a girl! I bet I could kick your flank halfway across the ocean!" Maria got mad.
'Oho, so, she doesn't like the gender card. Let's see how this plays out.'
"Bring it on!" The guard was confident and began to snort.
"On three. And stay on the ground. It's more fun that way." I said lazily.
"One, two, three." Bored as hell. Let them go at it.
And they did. Maria dove claws first, and was met with a buck that grazed her arm. She lifted up his back legs, flipping him, only to have him flap his wings to right himself. His eyes opened in shock as the griffin pounced, he brought up his legs and they began a grapple, wings flapping in each other's faces, bludgeoning each other with them. Maria, being bigger and having better range, pushing him onto his back and held his throat in her claw.
"And ding ding ding, we have a winner. Alright Maria, put the poor sod down. Now then guard, I appreciate you trying to do your duty and all, but she's one of the weaker members of our crew. You can't hope to beat us. Besides, as Gilda said, we're not looking for trouble. Just passing through."
"Celestia damn it!" He stomped his hoof in the ground after Maria put him down.
"Whoa, dude, don't need to get so pissed off." He took off his helmet and threw it to the ground. We all just looked at his childish display.
'Seriously? A tantrum?'
"Seriously, cut it out kiddo, you're annoying me. We're way out of your league. Heck, at this point, pretty much only one of the princesses, a large number of dragons, or an army would be able to stop me, let alone my whole crew. Now, if you'll just get out of my way."
"Why are you so strong?" He asked. I just looked at him quizzically.
"Hate."
"But, what about kindness, loyalty, honesty..."
"Don't mean crap if you show them to your enemies, because they won't show you any either. The 'aspects of harmony' when among friends and allies make you a strong team, but, for individual strength, you have to have a drive. A flame that cannot be doused. Mine is hate. Tell me, what do you want in life?"
"Grif, I don't see why you're bothering with this loser." Gilda asked.
"Because, I was a loser once. So, guard, what's your name?"
"W..W...Whiplash."
"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear your name over the DRIBBLE coming out of your mouth. I'll ask you again, what's your NAME."
'Seriously, I don't know how this kid became a guard.'
"Whiplash sir!"
"I'm not you're drill instructor. Whiplash, tell me, what do you want in life?"
"I.... want to be a royal guard."
"What is in your way?"
"They said I wasn't good enough. Too weak, not enough discipline."
"So, how'd you end up here?"
"They said I should guard this zebra village to try and make me learn what it is to be a guard."
"So basically, you flunked out of boot camp, so instead of telling you that you failed and sending you home, they gave you some backwater post to make you THINK you were doing them a service. Pathetic."
"I know..." He hung his head low.
"And then you thought that if you could beat us, you'd be a hero, and get the respect you deserve." I didn't ask, I told.
"So, taking on someone way out of your ability, on the off chance you might beat them. Sounds like they were right about you. You gotta use your HEAD moron!" He just sat there for a second, not saying anything.
"So, you want to be a royal guard, but you are in your own way. You need to get your head out of your ass and......."
'Spider sense, tingling.... damn spiders..... okay, Griffin sense tingling.'
"Naruc, too wac merrrona!" One of the zebras shouted over and over running through the village.
"Shit! Cockatrice!" Whiplash yelled, then shouted something in the Zebrican dialect, causing them all to go inside their houses.
"What do you think you're doing?" I asked as I saw him just standing there.
"I have to protect the village, it's my duty. This may be some backwater post, but I'm still gonna do my job damn it." He charged off in the direction the zebra child had come from to meet his foe head on. My entire group facepalmed/hoofed/clawed/pawed as he turned into a statue mid stride. His rock form just fell over on it's side in the dirt.
"Well, should we go bail him out?" I asked with a yawn.
"Do we have to?" Trixie whined.
"He was a dumbass who got what he deserved." Gilda replied.
"Meh." Nadene and Maria said at the same time.
"He makes a nice looking statue." Growl added.
"He was whiny." Etch complained.
I looked to see the zebra child that had come to warn us staring up at me with puppy dog eyes as the beast closed in on us.
"Nope. Sorry." I turned my head. He really turned on the waterworks. He looked sadder than Applebloom when she thought Twilight wasn't going to stay for brunch. After all, this thing was probably going to turn his whole village to stone at this rate.
"Damnit." I gave a sigh.
"Alright, let's save this stupid village. We can't get a ship's doctor if they've all been turned to stone. Growl, you've got the best ears out of everyone here, and can tell where it is just by vibrations. Close your eyes and go kick it's scaly ass." He gave a grunt of approval before heading off to meet the mutant chicken thing. He walked up to it, eyes closed, and the entire village watched frightened from behind shutters and such.
"Bwak, BUGOOOOOCK!" The cockatrice shrieked as it charged. Growl was the epitome of calm. As it leapt into the air, flapping it's wings, the diamond dog struck out with his spear, impaling it's left wing. It dropped to the ground screaming as he drew it back and thrust it forward, right into it's mouth, goring it. When it died, Whiplash turned back into a pegasus pony, as opposed to a pegasus statue, and stumbled on the ground, trying to get up. Growl cast 'ignis' with the charged gem, cooking the thing on his spear like it was a roasting spit, before taking a bite out of the cooked meat.
'What the hell! Growl's a badass.'
"Growl, that was.... I think you forgot these." I put my pair of sunglasses over his eyes.
"There, that's better." He just shrugged.
'No! You look awesome like that with those on! Sometimes I swear my humor and style is wasted on these guys.'
"Wha... what?" Whiplash looked to see the tall dog take another bite out of the roast cockatrice.
"Ya dun goofed mah boi. Seriously? Didn't you know that they can turn you to stone with a stare?"
"Umm...."
"Never mind, don't answer that. You suck. Shimmer could beat you and she's only thirteen. She's a dragon, but, that's besides the point." He just grumbled dissatisfied.
"Whatever, just, direct us to a doctor who can speak the same language we do."
"I doubt you'll find anyzebra like that." He replied. Anyzebra? You've got to be kidding me.
"Why not?"
"Because most zebras speak their own language, which you heard earlier. Finding a doctor who speaks Equestrian in the isles is probably impossible." He explained.
"Great. So they all speak a different language. This is going to be a long trip. Searching every island for someone who speaks the same way we do AND is a skilled surgeon is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack in a field of haystacks. Might as well not even look. If my luck holds out, we'll just run into someone who fits the requirements." I gave another sigh.
"Screw it, we're not gonna find anything on these islands. Let's just gather up as much food as we possibly can on another uninhabited island, travel the whole route real quick, making note of which ones have loads of fruit, then hit the dominion, drop off our supply and initiate the next phase of the plan. As long as we have healing spells and potions, we should be fine for most doctor needs. Unless one of us gets shrapnel lodged in us and needs surgery, we'll be fine. Even then, I majored in biology. I could probably do it."
"So, wait, you're just leaving?" Whiplash asked as a number of zebra hunters walked by, obviously coming to kill the cockatrice which Growl had just finished eating.
"Yeah."
"You're not gonna teach me how to fight, help me get stronger?"
"Nope. You're on your own kid."
"But...."
"Listen, we're pirates, not heroes. We don't go around helping everyone along the way, we've got our own plans. You want to learn how to fight? Get the zebras to help you. Come to think of it, that's probably why they sent you here in the first place, it's not all that important, the zebras know how to protect themselves, you're just maintaining a presence here. They sent you here so the natives could teach you to buck up. Start using your noggin. THINK, and then you won't have to apologize to anyone, because you would have done something right for once."
At which point I thought of the 'Quest Failed' message and sound from Fallout 3 when you kill an important NPC.
'Wait a minute, I gave him advice. So, I may not get the big quest reward because I solved it with speechcraft, but who cares, there's nobody tracking my progress right? Right? I gotta stop doing this to myself.'
"So long Whiplash, if we meet again, try not to suck so much that you get beaten by a little girl!" I taunted as we flew off towards the ship. Most of the cats were sprawled out napping, as it was midday, and continued to do so as we flew over the village in our magnificent airship, heading towards the next island.
Dear Princess Celestia,
So, are Twilight and her friends home yet? I hope they make it home safe and sound. Who am I kidding, I know they do, I've seen the future, and they're all fine. Speaking of the future, at the national dessert competition, make sure to sneak a slice of cake before Pinkie eats the whole winning entry. I KNOW how much you like cake, and I'd hate for you to miss out. I'd tell you to save me a slice, but no matter how good it is, I don't think it's worth going to prison for.
I told Twilight how I perform my magic, but I didn't give her any of the specifics. I think she'll be really frustrated when she tries it and it doesn't work. I wish I could see her face when she realizes she can't research it.
I also like my new wanted poster. The picture is nice. I'm not sure when, but Rarity snapped a photo of me in my new armor. 4000? Celestia you flatter me! I didn't think I was worth that much. Then again, my crimes have been pretty minor compared to the other criminals I ran into. By the way, you're welcome, 21000 bits worth of vicious criminals are no longer climbin in yo windows, snatchin yo ponies up. Let's see, what else, oh! I almost forgot,
Have you ever seen a troll? I know for a fact one of them lives in your bathroom mirror. Try and find it!
Sincerely, The dashing rogue, Griffin.
Ps: Please tell me you hate spiders as much as I do.