Button Mash clicked through all the games on sale on Steam, and then fell out of his chair completely overwhelmed while waving his forehoves wildly.
He's gonna play some games from past
And also recent games while they last
As Button sat playing Donkey Kong Country on the SNES, Sweetie Belle sang behind him.
He'd rather have. . .
A Changeling Drone. . .
Spit a glob of green slime in his ear!
Button blew into a game cartridge in an attempt to get it to work in his Joy Boy.
He'd rather drink. . .
A freezing milkshake. . .
And get the worst brain freeze of the year!
Button picked up a copy of The Eternal Duelist Soul for the Game Boy Advances. He looked in the mirror and screamed when he saw that he suddenly had crazy Anime hair.
He's the most awesome gamer you'll ever behold
He's the awesome Nintendo Colt
Button wrestled with Rumble in the video game store over a Lucario Amiibo.
He's the awesome Microsoft, Sony Colt
He's The Awesome Video Game Colt!
Button threw is controller down and shook his hoof at the TV screen.
Episode 10: Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures
Button Mash was sitting in his room with a horrified look on his face. The only movement is his constantly spinning propeller hat. After a very long, uncomfortable pause during which Button doesn't even blink, he finally begins.
"I am a logical colt," Button said, "I play games like Tetris, Portal, and even Where In Time is Carmen Sandiago. Sure, I play wild fantasy games like Mareo, Zelda, Sonic the Hedgehog, and even Conker's Bad Fur Day; but I still got fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. No matter what game I play, I still live in the realm of the real world."
Button took another short pause, then he inhaled deeply and shouted, "UNTIL TODAY! When that reality was CHALLENGED by Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures!"
Button grabbed his juice-box and drank it all in about 5 seconds. He tossed the empty box away and said, "Okay, Imagine coming across a pony who was not only insane, but also spent too much time at a salt-lick, drank way too much cider, and took 600 bottles of Skooma nearly completely destroying his brain."
Button leaned towards the camera and shouted, "He would be NORMAL compared toPac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures! So, what's wrong with this game?" Button face-hoofed hard and said, "What's right with this game!? That's the shorter answer! It's actually hard to come up with words to describe how crazy this show is, it is that crazy. So, rather than talk about it, let's just try and play it. The key word being try of course!"
Button went to his PC and started up the game. The title screen came up, and the originally arcade Pac-Man theme played.
Button nodded, "Well, okay, that's a good sign. They have the original music-."
A rock remix suddenly started playing.
"Denkalith," Button said darkly.
"Now, before we begin, I should probably mention that I've never seen the TV show this game is based off of. But a game should be good no matter if you've seen the show or not. So the game starts with, what else, a cut-scene introducing us to Pac-Man's world."
"Now, I don't mind the fact that they gave Pac-Man arms and legs, but I don't know if I like his voice. He sounds like Tails from the Sonic the Hedgehog games. Anyway, Pac-Man's world is inhabited by other rounded Pac-People of different shapes and colors. We start out with Pac-Man and his two friends who are talking to a green, round, Professor E-Gad rip off. The Professor tells us that we need to collect Energy Orbs in order to power these magical Globes that will apparently take us to these Temples. I assume the the orbs are gonna be like the dots Pac-Man ate in the original game. But why exactly do we need to go to these Temples?"
Button shrugged with a look of desperation on his face.
"I don't know! I have no idea, at all! Do I need to watch the show? That's not fair, why are you forcing me to watch your cartoon like this?"
"And as if I weren't confused enough, four ghosts suddenly come in out of nowhere! Now, I'm thinking that we're gonna have some action, but nope! It turns out these ghosts are good guys!"
Button stared in disbelief, "What the hay were they thinking?! That's like making a Mareo game were Mareo teams up with Koopas and Goombas!"
The title screens for Paper Mareo and Paper Mareo and the Thousand Year Door appear.
Button blushes with embarrassment.
"Okay then, never mind. . ."
"So we learn that the evil ghost king named Betrayus. . . ." Button blinked, "Really? Betrayus? That's the villains name? That's the best they could do? What was their second choice, 'Evilus'? 'Badguyus'? Well, anyway, we discover that Betrayus sent his entire ghost army to attack the city, and also stole the Professor's freeze ray, which I guess he wants to use to take over the world or something."
Button shrugged, "So yeah, that's the story. Pac-Man has to go and stop him. Sounds kinda simple. . .Too simple. . ."
The first level begins and Button takes control of Pac-Man as he walks around the city as hundreds of ghosts are flying around in the background. There are huge chunks of ice as well as fires burning as Pac-Man collects yellow energy orbs that are scattered around the level.
"Okay, so as you can see, this game is a platformed, kinda like Mareo. Pac-Man has a Chomp attack that actually propels him forward a bit, and he can double jump, which comes in handy in this game, because there are a lot of areas where if you fall-."
"Get Pac-Man!" the game shouted as a ghost arrived to attack Pac-Man.
Button moaned and buried his face in his hooves. "Ooooooooooh, NOOOOO!"
As Button moved Pac-Man away from the ghosts, he said, "It's one of those games where someone is always talking! I hate games that do that! I mean, sure, if you're fighting a boss, some banter is fun, but imagine how annoying playing Mareo would be if all the Goombas kept taunting you?"
"And what's really weird is that the game tells you can chomp ghosts, which makes no sense because everypony knows that Pac-Man can't eat ghosts without eating a Power Pellet first. I mean, let's pretend that I know nothing about Pac-Man and I decide to try to eat this ghost."
Button went over to the ghost and used the Chomp attack. To Button shock, Pac-Man ate the ghost in an instant.
Button's jaw dropped. "WHAT!? That's impossible! They couldn't even get that right?"
Pac-Man ran up to three ghosts and chomped them in rapid succession.
"But wait, it gets worse! It turns out that Pac-Man's Chomp is more like Sonic's Homing Attack. If you stand near a bunch of ghosts and hit the button like crazy, Pac-Man will zoom over to all of them and go on an eating chain. What were they thinking, were they just making it up as they went along?"
Button frowned and said, "And what's this special ability Pac-Man has anyway?"
Button activated Pac-Man's special attack, and Pac-Man shouted "Booga-Booga!" at a bunch of ghosts, causing them to turn blue and cower and fear.
Button looked at the screen in shock. Then he ranted, "How does that work!? I don't care how infamous Pac-Man is, if you're able to boldly fly in shouting 'get Pac-Man', there's no way him shouting 'booga-booga' is gonna scare you and make it easier for you to get eaten. Even Fluttershy is braver than that!"
"And you know what else? Since you can just jump at them and Chomp wildly to defeat the ghosts, there's really no point in even using this worthless special ability. You can beat this entire game without using that stupid ability once. Maybe if you could only eat a ghost after you've scared them, like in the original Pac-Man games, then this ability would make sense. But nope! It's just pointless!"
Pac-Man went into some kind of tube and went flying through it.
"OOOOOOOHHHHH-YEAH!" Pac-Man cheered.
"And Pac-Man won't shut up either. . ." Button moaned.
"Well, believe it or not, there actually are Power Pellets in this game, only they're called Power Berries here. Well, what happens when I eat them?"
Pac-Man ate a blue Power Berry, and he turned into Ice-Pac and fire a freeze ray.
Button looked like he was about to cry. "Oh . . . no . . ."
Pac-Man ate a red Power Berry, and he turned into Fire-Pac and threw a fire ball.
Button covered his face with his forehoves. "Noooooooooo. . ."
Pac-Man ate a grey Power Berry, and he turned into Magnet-Pac and a "ghost-magnet" came out of his mouth.
Button sat there breathing heavily for a while, then he looked up and said with great sadness, "They turned him into Kirby. . . . I mean. . . . .LOOK AT HIM! He's Kirby! He eats enemies and then eats something that makes him change into a random form that helps him eat more enemies. Don't get me wrong, I like Kirby! Kirby games are fun! But I don't wanna play Kirby right now, I wanna play Pac-Man! If I wanted to play Kirby, I'd play Kirby! And some of these forms don't even add up! I mean, watch this:"
Pac-Man ate a green Power Berry, and he turned into Chameleon -Pac and shot out his long sticky tongue.
Button jumped, looking very confused, "What?!?! Chameleon?!?!? C-chameleon?!?!? What?!?!? What?!?!?! What?!? . . . Chameleon, what??!?! I don't care how fun it is to eat up ghosts with that tongue, you cannot turn Pac-Man into a chameleon. How did you even come to that conclusion?!"
Button smacked his forehead and said, "I mean what's next? He's gonna chomp an ice cream machine and a burger is gonna come out?!"
Pac-Man chomps an ice cream machine, and a burger does come out of it.
Button's eyes went wide a coins. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?"
"How can you get a burger out of an ice cream machine!? Why are you even chomping ghosts if you can get burgers but of ice cream machines? It does not add up!"
"I mean, Denkalith! How do you even advertise a game like this? I mean, what did the commercials look like?"
Hey kids! Conker's Bad Fur Day making too much sense for ya? Then play Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures. You'll love this cosmic out-of-body torture of your senses. It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on. You must be at least this stupid to watch.
A photo of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon appeared.
"And not only is the game insane, it's also one of the laziest games I've ever played! I mean, they made the four ghosts in the opening cut-scene different and unique, but the enemy ghosts all look the same except for color! How cheap are these losers? They couldn't even give each color ghost a unique look?"
Pac-Man jumped and chomped on the long tail of a black ghost which carried him around.
"The only different ghosts are these black ones that you need to use to get across gaps."
Pac-Man suddenly ate the ghost and plummeted into the chasm.
"Denkalith," Button grumbled.
After Pac-Man returned to the checkpoint, Button glared at the screen and said, "Oh, and don't get me started on the level design! They give you six worlds, right? They give you a city, ancient ruins, lava world, a combination ice and lava word, and are you ready for this. . . ANOTHER city and ANOTHER lava world! . . . .Denkalith!"
Button sighed, "Well, at the end of each level, you get a Bonus Fruit. . . or zucchini. . . which is clearly an attempt to try and stay true to the original game. Too little too late for that."
Pac-Man ate a bunch of cherries, and the belched out the eyes of all the ghosts he ate.
"Oh yeah, collecting ghost eyes gives you extra lives, I guess they're like coins, " Button said in disinterest, "Collecting the Energy Globes unlocks levels, which makes them more like Star Bits, only you can't shoot them at enemies, but whatever. You can also find these rare Zap Apple-like things called Slimetanium that can give you more hit points which are represented by hearts. What is this, Dungeon Dice Monsters? Anyway, eating food like cheese and burgers refills health."
"There's also these pies that not only fill all your health, but also give you an extra life. And believe me, you'll need them. It's not like the game is hard. It's just. . . cheap. I mean, it's easy to fall into a bottomless pit. Or even worse, you'll land in lava and be forced to watch Pac-Man bounce off of it like Mareo until he looses all of his hit points!"
Pac-Man bounced off of the lava's surface, covering his burnt behind with his hands.
"Come on! Come on!" Button said as he hit buttons in frustration, "Die already! Why couldn't this have been a bottomless pit instead!"
Pac-Man finally lost all his hit points, and the game restarted at a checkpoint. Unfortunately, Button was already holding the button to move, so Pac-Man walked right off the edge and back into the lava.
"NOOOOOO!" Button cried, "What were they thinking! WHY did they put a checkpoint so close to the edge like that!? WHY!?"
Sweetie Belle quickly ran to Button's side and handed him a 12 ounce bottle of apple juice. Button snatched it and started gulping it down. He took a deep breath and said, "Thanks Sweetie Belle. Standby with another one. . ."
Sweetie Belle nodded and quickly walked off.
"Okay. . ." Button said calmly, "Maybe I need to relax in . . . the hub world. . . Yeah, this game has a hub world. It's actually Pac-Man's high school, which also has a high tech science lab in it. You can talk to his friends, the professor guy, the school bully, the teacher, the. . . President? Pac-Man's. . . pet. . . Fuzzbits. . . ? And the four ghosts from earlier."
"How's life, Clyde?" Pac-Man asked the orange ghost.
Button slammed the desk and leaned into the screen, "What!? It can't be!"
Button had Pac-Man talk to the other ghosts.
"How's it going, Pinky?"
"What's up, Blinky?"
"What's up, Inky?"
Button leaned back and said, "They took the main villains of the original game and made them good guys. . ."
Button whistled long and low. "Wow. . ." he said.
"Well, anyway, the hub world also has these arcade cabinets where you can play mini games on. You unlock them by collecting the bonus fruit at the end of levels, but you also have to collect giant silver coins you find in the main game to play them. Now, if they let you play the original Pac-Man games or maybe even Galaga, then that would be kinda cool. But instead, you have these really lame mini game where you drive these weird vehicles based on whatever fruit you use to unlock it. There's a cherry copter, a zucchini tank, stuff like that. You drive around, rescue people, shoot ghosts and bosses; just your standard mini game padding."
Button tilted his head and said, "And speaking of bosses, how are the bosses in the main game? Well, the last level of world one is a hedge maze, and when I say maze, I mean a winding path with only a few branches with coins and slimetanium. There is no way you can get lost here. Anyway, at the end, there's a giant one-eyed ghost waiting for you that hits you with his tail. So, I guess his tail is his weak spot."
Pac-Man ran behind the ghost, bit his tail, and swallowed the ghost whole.
Button stared at the screen in shock, and then laughed and said, "I don't believe it! That must have been the easiest boss in video game history!"
"Okay, okay, to be fair, it turns out this enemy is not a boss, just a really big enemy that shows up in groups in later levels. The actual bosses are. . . okay I guess. They're not really creative or anything. Sometimes you'll be bouncing rocks back at giant living statues, or sometimes you'll be doing a challenge, like running around a barbecue grill that's on fire or throwing fireballs into the freeze ray that Betrayus stole."
Button controlled Ice Pac-Man as he ran around on platforms sticking out of an ocean of lava. A big red dragon spat lava balls at him from the distance.
"But to be honest, some of these bosses make no sense. Like, for one boss, you fight a dragon by freezing lava balls which he sucks back in like Kirby. Why would a dragon need to suck back in his own lava? What kind of dragon is this? And what's worse is that after you beat him and he sinks into the lava, he actually shows up and taunts you in the later levels! It's like 'You think you beat me, huh? WELL SURPRISE, LOOSER! I'M RIGHT HERE!'"
Button went to the map and moved Pac-Man to the first level of the final world.
"But if you think that's bad, then wait to you see what's waiting for you at the beginning of the final world."
Betrayus flew down into view and said, "You did a good job keeping up, but your journey to the Temple of Mystery ends here!"
Button smacked his forehead. "That's Betrayus? That's the ultimate final bad guy? He's practically the same size as Pac-Man. He doesn't look intimating, he looks like a killer clown!"
My little pet is well trained. . . and very hungry. Isn't that right, Fluffy?" Betrayus said as a giant white three headed poodle appeared.
"Why is Cerberus a poodle?" Button asked in confusion.
The poodle suddenly into a werewolf looking breed.
"AHH!" Button said, jumping in fright.
The boss fight began, and Button moved Pac-Man around frantically.
"Well, the main problem with all of the boss fights in this game is that it never tells you what to do. It doesn't even give you a hint! Sure, Omachao was annoying in the Sonic the Hedgehog games, but at least he let you know what you're supposed to do!"
"And, okay, most of the boss fights in this game are easy to figure out. Freeze the lava balls, hit the targets, whatever; but this boss fight doesn't give you any hints at all! Am I supposed to bite the tail?"
Button had Pac-Man run behind Fluffy and chomp, but it only caused Pac-Man to take a hit.
"Okay, that didn't work, so what am I- OH DENKALITH!" Button shouted at Fluffy charged. He dodged the attack, and Fluffy ran into a pile of dirt. The dog dug out a bone and suddenly turned back into a poodle.
Button stared in disbelief. "How did they expect me to figure that out!? What, you guide it into a pile of dirt so it can dig out a bone and become vulnerable?"
"And if that's not cryptic enough, guess what? That only works for the first two hits! After you've bitten Fluffy's tail two times, then he spins around like crazy while three giant ghosts appear and gang up on you! Then in order to make Fluffy vulnerable, you have to eat the giant ghosts while they send shock-waves at you. But Fluffy only remains vulnerable for a few seconds, which means you have to make sure that Fluffy is near you when you eat the final ghost so that you can run and bite his tail before he starts spinning again, because if you don't get to him in time and he spins around again then the three giant ghosts come back and start attacking you and you have to eat them all over again! DENKALITH! . . . That's what it is!"
Button collapsed on his keyboard, on the cusp of hyperventilation. After he caught his breath, he sat back in his chair and said, "Okay. . . how about let's skip to the final level boss battle."
Pac-Man ran around an arena with pillars as Betrayus fired slow moving lazer balls out of a ray gun.
"First a freeze ray and now a death ray? What is this, Dr. Adorable's Ask Along Blog?" Button complained.
"Well, once again, they don't tell you how this battle works. For some reason, Pac-Man can't just chomp this guy even though he's not that much bigger than him. Anyway, after shooting off the lazer balls, Betrayus will shoot a fast lazer bullet. You need to get him to shoot the four crystal pillars so that it will reflect back at him. It causes the pillars to make shock waves, but they're easy to dodge. Seriously, the final boss is too easy! Fluffy was harder than this!"
After winning the boss battle, the death ray broke, and Pac-Man chomped Betrayus and spat out his eyes.
Button tossed up his fore hooves and said, "Oh, NOW you can eat him! What a slap in the face!"
Button leaned towards the screen and said, "Well, maybe the story will at least have a good climax." Button went ahead and watched the final cut-scene.
"Do these new tablets have any new information on them about the Tree of Life?" Pac-Man asked.
"They say that the Tree of Life is the one source in the universe for Power Berries which are the source of all power of PacWorld!" the professor said.
Everyone pouted.
"But we already knew that!" the purple girl said.
"EVERYBODY knows that!" the big red guy said.
"Heh! well, I didn't say it was USEFUL information!" the professor said.
Button nervously stares at the screen with a forced smile for a few seconds, then snaps, pulls out his Nintendo Zapper and fires at the screen.
"THIS GAME SUCKS!" Button shouted, "THIS GAME SUCKS! THE STORY SUCKS! THE GAME PLAY SUCKS! IT ALL SUUUUUUCKS!"
An explosion appeared on the screen.
"This is crazy!" Button shouted as he tossed away his zapper, "In every possible meaning of the word! Nothing about this game makes sense! It's PURE ORC SPIT! I mean, okay, to tell the truth, it's not as bad as Doctor and Derpy's Excellent Adventure or Wonderbolt Flee Flyers, but it's Pac-Man! How can anyone take such a classic video game character and totally ruin him! It's like they took Mario, Sonic, and Kirby and but them together, and that's actually not a good thing! It sounds cool, but it's not cool! It's insane! The story is pointless! We don't learn anything or accomplish anything! The levels are just your standard fantasy world! Sonic Colors was more creative!"
"And before anyone asks, yes. This game was made by Namco! Namco! Namco put money into this! LOOK AT IT!"
Button buried his face in his hooves and said, "I can't believe I bought this game. I could've bought FATE: The Cursed King or Torchlight II! But nope, I just had to buy a combination Kirby and Super Mareo Galaxy rip off. I'm not saying you can't make a good Pac-Man 3D platformer. I'm pretty sure you can. But this game is just. not. good."
Button jumped up and said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta pee after drinking all that apple juice!"
Button quickly ran out of the room.
Sweetie Belle walked into the shot and called out angrily, "Hey, wait a minute! The game wasn't that bad! I get it, it went against the theme and spirit of Pac-Man and the story was lame, and it was clearly meant to advertise the show, but it was still a fun innocent little game!It had good controls, and the bosses and minigames were entertaining at the very least. Sure, I wouldn't buy it, but. . ."
Sweetie Belle seemed to quickly loose confidence in what she was saying. She sighed, "Whatever. . ."