Quick Study vs. Booster Bones - by Quick Study's Author
Quick Study was a mare of science and fact. Throughout all her life she believed that knowledge and understanding of the world would solve any and all problems that she encountered. Throughout her life, rarely was she ever on the losing side, with logic and facts always helping her triumph in the end. However... this was not one of those days.
It had been a seemingly ordinary Tuesday afternoon in the Baltimare City Archives. Aside from the sound of a few lone visitors in the cavernous building, the place was as quiet as a church. Or at least it was until the sound of an entire bookshelf depositing its contents on the ground was heard throughout the structure. Quick Study had been busying herself with rebinding the damaged articles when she heard the commotion, and being the only archivist on duty that day, rushed to see what had unfolded.What she discovered would horrify booklovers everywhere and cause a young purple pony princess in Ponyville to faint in shock.
On the ground lay scattered an entire shelving of tomes. Considering that the shelves in the archives were about ten feet tall and sixty feet long, it was a horrific mess. The shelf from which the objects fell sat at an angle against a support pylon, which thankfully prevented it from falling completely over. Quick stepped lightly between the fallen articles as she surveyed the damages. From her observations thankfully most—if not all—of the tomes remained undamaged. Before she could examine the mess further, a gruff voice from the other side of a pile of books caught her attention.
“Gah, so they thought they’d try to knock me off the trail with homicide by book avalanche?” grumbled a gravely masculine voice. “Fortunately, it looks like their attempt was past due.”
“Um, excuse me sir, are you okay?” asked Quick Study as she came around the pile of books blocking her view of the unknown speaker. As the owner of the voice came into view, Quick’s mouth fell into an open gape at the sight of a earth pony stallion in a duster and bowler cap. It wasn’t because he was exceedingly handsome or repulsive, nor was he a garish color of bright red and chartreuse. The reason for her shock was because he was see-through and floating a few inches off the ground. “G-g-g...gho-”
“I’m fine ma’am,” said the specter as he dusted off his coat. “Or should I say, Ms. Guilty Pants!” The ghost floated up close to Quick Study’s face with an accusatory glare.
“G-guilty?!” exclaimed a shocked Quick Study.
“That’s right,” elaborated the spook as he floated around her. “You thought that by burying me under a pile of papers that I’d get knocked off the case. Well shame to say little lady, but your aim is as poor as me after a two-for-one sale on maple syrup.”
“B-But I didn’t-,” she responded before gasping in realization. “Your body!” With frantic hooves and telekinetic magic, Quick Study dug away the enormous pile of tomes that lay on the floor, frantically looking for what she dreaded was the body of one very dead accusatory pony. The ghost, however, hovered in place, watching the spectacle before clicking his ghostly tongue and sighing.
“Trying to escape by digging to Chineigh won’t save you from the long leg of the law, and attempting to buy my silence with compliments about my amazing figure won’t work either: I’m incorrigible!” he announced as the pile rapidly disappeared. Soon Quick Study had reached the bottom, but had not found any dead bodies buried under the mess.
“Wait… don’t you mean incorruptible? And where is your body?” Quick Study expressed with confusion.
“Are you blind or something?” asked the ghost. “The body of Booster Bones, Private Investigator Supreme, stands before you about to dispense two cold cans of justice!”
Quick Study, though she was relieved that she knew now that she wouldn’t have to worry about explaining a dead body to the police, was still confused about what the ghost was talking about. “Justice? What for?! I didn’t do anything!” she protested.
“Denying the facts, eh?” Booster replied as he pulled out a ghostly cigarette and lit it. “I was out on the street hunting down clues on the evil ice cream stallion thanks to a clue involving a chalk outline and a melting cornetto. The sounds of foals screaming alerted me to it, meaning only one thing: that the Ice Cream Crusher was loose and looking for his next victim!”
“...Are you serious?” questioned a dumbfounded Quick Study.
“So I chased after the music of the Ice Cream Crusher throughout the town, he thought he had given me the slip, but his trail lead me right here, and after this attempt to ‘crush’ the law under the weight of knowledge, it must mean that you are the culprit all along!”
“What!?” roared Quick Study with both disbelief and contempt. “I’m an archivist… and a mare!”
“The perfect disguise!” retorted Booster Bones. “Who would think a mild mannered mare would be the Ice Cream Crusher, no one would ever pin it on you!”
“...This is ridiculous,” groaned an exasperated Quick Study. “All I did was come over here after I heard the shelf fall, I was no where near it when this happened.”
“A likely story if I ever heard one!” expressed Booster, taking a deep puff of his cigarette. “Then what were you doing here if your story is to be believed?”
Quick Study looked at Booster Bones incredulously and then glanced over to the very large sign hanging on the wall saying ‘No Smoking’ as she flatly stated, “I told you, I’m an archivist. I work here.”
“Oh really? I find that hard to believe,” accused Booster Bones. Quick Study responded by using her telekinesis to levitate her ID badge up to Booster’s face. He studied the card, eyeing every inch of of it. Suddenly he jabbed his hoof at the photo in the ID and shouted, “Ah ha! This is just an poorly made forgery! Obviously the mare in this photo is completely different. Your manes look nothing alike!”
“That’s impos-!” Quick Study exclaimed as she looked at the card herself. Her expression fell at examining her ID and her patience grew all the more thin with Booster. “My mane was cut short that day, it’s still me,” she flatly pointed out.
“Yet another likely story,”Booster Bones bantered. “But so far I’ve been hearing a lot of that from you lately.”
“Ugh, that’s it!” exclaimed Quick Study as she began to trot away.
“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?” shouted Booster Bones as he levitated after her. “Don’t think you can run from me!”
“Oh, I’m not running. I’m just looking up something,” responded Quick with a devilish smile.
“Trying to lawyer up on me?” assumed Booster as he trailed behind her. “Don’t think that will stop me from discovering your dark secrets.”
“The only secret I care about is how to get rid of you,” mumbled Quick Study as she scanned through the aisles of literature.
While she searched for her objective, Booster came face to face with yet another no smoking sign. Grumbling about ‘stupid laws’ he dropped the ethereal cancer stick to the ground and crushed it under his hoof.
Quick Study saw this out of the corner of her eye, and while she had the strongest urge to cuss out this annoying ghost for his aborhant behavior, she knew that if she could find what she was looking for she wouldn’t have to deal with him any longer. Her quest was soon achieved, however, when she spied a familiar red omnibus on the shelves.
“Ah, found it,” she spoke to herself with satisfaction. “The Passimino Pamphlet on Phantoms and Poltergeists.”
“What’s with the spook book?” questioned Booster Bones. “Cause I doubt it’ll give ya a ghost of a chance escaping your date with justice.”
“One, that was terrible,” deadpanned Quick Study. “Two, if there is one thing life taught me, is that a little research always reveals the answers you seek… and here they are!” Quick Study exclaimed jubilantly at the section of the book she had found. “How to rid yourself of a ghost… hrm… looks tricky.”
Booster Bones had grown impatient with Quick Study’s actions and stood tall as he pulled out a pair of ghostly handcuffs. “Listen here doll, you might be three muffins short of a batch, but I’m gonna have to take you in anyway.” He moved closer upon her, but Quick made no movement to escape, far too engrossed in her book to be aware of the phantom looming over her. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used in an amusing anecdote around the water cooler later and I have total dibbs on stretching some of the details. You have the right to an attorney. If you can not afford an attorney, I know a guy who does great consolidation, has a very low interest rate and is only ¼ shark-sea-pony. You have the right to not answer any questions I give without an attorney present, or without a costumed mascot dancing to disco… wait, I think I got this messed up again.” Booster pulled out a ghostly notebook and flipped to the section he had bookmarked in his own sloppy hoofwrtiing titled ‘Reading the rights.’
As he mumbled over his notes, Quick Study left the aisle and went towards the back end of the archives. She returned moments later with a small collection of items and a determined look upon her face. Booster still was looking over his notes and grumbling about something as he didn’t hear or notice Quick Study laying out the objects on the floor.
“Okay, item number one: Ghosts are ethereal beings,” recited Quick Study from her memory of what she read in the book. “Wrought iron contains elements that disrupt ethereal energy. Simply attack the ghost’s form with any wrought iron to dispel it from your presence.” Picking up a ugly looking frying pan with her magic, Quick Study swung the pan in a fast arc right towards Booster Bones’ face. The pan effortlessly breezed through his non-corporeal form with no resistance or reaction from him. Aggravated, Quick Study swung a second and a third time for good measure before examining the pan in detail. She found on the back of the handle a small engraving stating ‘100% cast iron’. Quick Study promptly sighed in annoyance before throwing the pan to the side.
“What!? Who!? Where!?” yelled a startled Booster Bones, the sound of the pan crashing on the ground making him jump. Quick Study ignored his panicked questions and instead picked up another item from the group: a saltshaker.
“Okay, item two: salt,” Quick Study once again reiterated to herself. “Like iron, salt should have a dispelling effect on any specter as the pure element disrupts all ethereal bonds.” When she finished speaking, Quick Study took the shaker and dashed a large amount of salt down on Booster Bones’ head. It too, like the pan before it, fell through his body and onto the ground like a disappointing snowfall.
“Bleagh,” blanched Booster Bones. “What is this, salt? Are you trying to season me up or something?” As the words left his mouth his eyes lit up with a predatory flare. “Of course, it all makes sense!” he shouted, pointing at Quick Study with an accusatory hoof. “You are obviously the Butcher of Baltimare!”
For yet a third time that evening, Quick Study’s mind was battered by the sheer stupidity that she was encountering, freezing up her brain and having her utter only one word in disbelief, “...What?”
Booster floated back and forth in a pacing fashion as he explained his hypothesis, “Trying to make me your next deliciously tasty victim eh? Well it won’t work: I’m 30% tough. 80% muscle, and 100% completely ready to take you on, you freaky cannibal,” he challenged as he jumped into a boxing pose and threw a few fake punches for good measure.
Quick however looked at this spectacle with the wondering thought that Booster Bones must have suffered brain damage before he died. She then had a realization about what he was talking about and her confidence reappeared. “Oh, the Butcher of Baltimare, huh? I remember reading about that in the newspaper archives-”
“So, you’re an egomaniac as well? Reading about how the populace reacts to your sick appetite, does evil know no bounds?” interrupted Booster Bones.
“As I was saying,” continued Quick Study with ever increasing annoyance at her unwanted guest, “that was in the paper over 50 years ago. When they caught the culprit?” She let the question hang in the air.
Slowly Booster Bones’ expression changed from confidence to disgusted horror. “Sweet Celestia’s sunny butt…” he softly proclaimed.
Quick Study took his expression for the realization of the facts and continued, “Right, so obviously I’m-”
“A zombie!”
“...WHAT!?” Quick cried out in indignation. She was slowly losing her mind to this madpony, and she started to fear for her ever degrading sanity.
“Risen from the grave because the world of the dead offered you no rest?” scoffed Booster Bones as he began to float threateningly towards Quick Study. “Well, sorry gal, but justice never sleeps on my watch. Unless I stepped on my watch again, or it’s after a considerable amount of maple syrup has been consumed, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, you are under arrest!”
“WHAT!?” Quick Study repeated. “I am not a zombie... and on what grounds!?”
“For defying the laws of nature and ‘a salting’ an officer of the law!” Booster shouted as he slowly floated towards her. In a mad panic, Quick Study threw every object she had at him as he approached, but all of them sailed through with no reaction whatsoever. Soon, Quick Study found herself without ammo or any defences. As Booster once again pulled out his ghostly handcuffs, Quick grabbed a large book and shielded herself from him. To her, there was no escape: knowledge had failed her, books had failed her, and she was going to be arrested or killed or something horrible done to her by a crazy ghost.
♪ ♫*Ding-dong-ding-dong*♪ ♫ Sounded a chime from one of the speakers in the building. “Thank you for visiting the Baltimare Archives,” came an automated voice over the sound system broadcasting its message to everyone inside. “The time is now 8 pm and we are now closed. Please exit through the front of the building in a neat and orderly fashion. We hope to see you again soon.”
Quick Study had heard the message but had payed it no mind out of the sheer terror she was experiencing. However when nothing happened for a full minute, she was curious as to why she didn’t feel dead, hurt or in handcuffs. When she looked up from her impromptu shield, she found the reason was because Booster Bones was flying away towards the front exit. Curious as to his behavior, she followed him all the way to the front of the Archives and watched as he floated right out the front doors.
He turned around and began shaking a ghostly hoof. “You may have won this round, you zombie ice cream butcher!” he proclaimed. “But I’ll find you when the law isn’t on your side, and on that day I’ll bring justice to your door in 30 minutes or less or it’s free!” With that he turned around and floated down the steps of the archives and out of her sight.
Quick Study stood in place for a long moment contemplating the events she just experienced. After carefully reviewing the evidence that there is an afterlife, and that it’s still inhabited by idiots, she reasoned the only answer to this discovery was to flip the sign from open to closed, lock the doors and windows, power down the lights in the building, and head over to Whiskey Cider’s pub and drink until the adventure of today was erased from her conscious mind with liberal amounts of alcohol.
Booster Bones, however, sat on the steps waiting for the archives to open in the morning. “If she thinks I can’t wait one measly night to track down criminal scum then she’s got another thing coming,” he narrated to himself in a gravelly tone. “I’m like a stalwart vessel in the night, drifting ever closer to my goal in the endzone of life that is justice. And I’m about to score a hat trick… wait, that’s not right.” Booster winced at his words and pulling out his ghostly notebook opened up to the bookmarked chapter on ‘good quips to use’. “Dang it, I confused football and lacrosse with each other. Well, I never was much of a jock anyways… what was I doing here again?”
It was at that exact moment that familiar music floated through the air as an ice cream van passed right in front of the archives. Booster leapt to his ghostly feet and gave a shout, “HA! Of course! Where there is ice cream there are children! The Ice Cream Crusher will not escape me this time!” and flew off down the street in pursuit of the brightly colored vehicle all in the name of peace, justice, and the Equestrian way!
Detective Novels Are A Dame A Dozen - by Booster Bones' Author
Baltimare. It was a city spoken in hushed whispers and furtive glances. Across its cobblestone paths and seedy alleys lay a shadow that drenched the entire city in darkness. The slimy underbelly beneath the streets and around every corner was rife with crime and mischief. It was a desolate city perched precariously on the fine line between a tourist trap and a powderkeg of treachery that could explode at but a moment’s notice.
For a hard-boiled detective like Booster Bones, it was a city he could call his own.
He filled his nonexistent lungs with the various wafts that permeated the streets: sewage was first and foremost, which was followed soon after by cat piss, and then, of course, trash… mostly because garbage day was tomorrow. But one particular smell overthrew the rest for Booster’s scrupulous attention: books.
Yes indeed, it was literature that this city had finally corrupted with its devilish tendrils that would tear out each and every page just to replace it with its own vile brand of villainy. Only a few days traversing the city and Booster knew well enough what was going on.
He had made several jaunts about the place in the past, when he had just been a fledging young private eye hot on the trail of one case to the next, but not after only a few years the area had transformed beyond even his most horrible of nightmares to a truly despicable pit of debauchery and misery. No longer did foals hide in their homes to avoid the danger of the streets, but instead they frollicked on the sidewalk and then the numerous playgrounds and even a park! Those weren’t even around a few years ago, but here they were now, just filled with loving couples walking alongside each other and old stallions feeding pigeons from benches. And nearly all of them had a book by their side, reading it for whatever nefarious reason.
“But it looks like Booster Bones is gonna put a stop to it,” Booster Bones said to himself, immediately agreeing with his statement. For he had tracked down after countless hours the seed within the bitter fruit that was this city, and it filled him with dread just being at its doorstep. Ponies walked in and out holding books of all sort, smiling all the while, with some even humming a merry tune. It was all too clear what was going on. “So, looks like books are the new hot-ticket contraband around here, huh? Well, those dastardly dubs of a devious design ain’t gonna harm this city anymore. And I’m gonna start with this here ‘Baltimare Public Library’ and I won’t stop until this book charade is put a stop to!”
With a confident step, Booster Bones made his way into the shadowy confines of the ‘library.’ Even the name sickened him, and from what he was seeing, so did the rest of the interior: the carpet reminded him of cat puke, ponies milled around aimlessly, and all around shelves upon shelves filled with books were just open for the taking. No wonder the criminal activity had disappeared almost completely from the streets from when last Booster was in town. It had transported itself in this ‘library’ in the form of books which ponies could read whenever they wanted, which Booster knew could mean only one thing. It was all a front, with the books obviously gutted out and filled with who knew what illegal substance. Salt licks, sugarcubes, peanut butter, maple syrup (especially that!), and who knew what else!
“I need to find the head of this ‘library’ and see what sorts of juicy details I can scoop from when they spill the beans,” Booster said, his eyes on cue for any obvious criminal activity. And without missing a beat he spotted the head of this operation, using of course his outstanding detective skills and ability to read name tags.
It was some mare who looked so uptight that unknotting her braid would probably make her explode. Her coat reminded Booster of maple syrup, which immediately made him start salivating. Didn’t hurt she was a shapely dame too, but Booster knew all about these types. They’d try to honeypot him to get away with their crimes, as is per the usual with a dame. But joke’s on them, because Booster Bones isn’t going to fall for that the twentieth time!
The mare—whose name tag was Quick Study and also indicated her as a Keeper of some Archives—was carefully studying an ancient tome from centuries ago with a careful eye and bated breath so as to not disturb the delicate pages. This was all ruined, however, when Booster Bones slammed the tome closed with a dusty smacked and shouted, “Aha! Gotcha now, the jig is up, your evil-doing days are over, you have the right to remain silent and call your lawyer, etc!”
Quick Study’s jaw dropped to scream, but the merest peep out of her caused the nearest librarian to shoot her a glare and “shhhhh!” so instead she held a hoof against her still-beating chest and breathed in deep gulps of air as the initial terror began to subside.
“So, you thought you could get away with it, huh?” Booster said, flicking his still lit cigarette atop the tome as he pulled out yet another cigarette from inside his coat. Lighting it with a match, he breathed in a deep gulp of sweet nicotine release, and then blew it directly at Quick Study’s face. “Well, ya didn’t have me fooled. But still, gotta hand it to youse for the set-up. Never would have thought a book-exchange program called a ‘library’ would be the center of the largest illegal substance directory in the entire city… until now.”
Quick Study merely stared at Booster with eyes wide and pupils as small as pinpricks. “What,” she began, clearing her voice, “what in Celestia’s name are you possibly talking about?”
Booster slammed his hoof on the table and leaned in close, his eyeballs eyeing her’s with just an inch to spare. “Oh, don’t play the dumb damsel in distress. I’ve seen this sorta work before. Dame acts as a front so a cop don’t see too deep into it, but lucky for this city, I ain’t one.” Booster tipped his bowler hat and smirked. “I’m Booster Bones, a detective, and you’re darn right I’m the best there is.”
“I never said that.”
“Well... others have.”
“Who?”
“Uh… others. Youse probably haven’t heard of them. They’re really big experts in the field... and junk.”
Quick Study—whose earlier near heart attack had gone and passed—was finally able to compose herself so she could glare at Booster with a glower that could make teeth rot and earwax squirm. “Firstly, no smoking in the library.” Quick Study smacked the cigarette out of Booster’s lips. “Secondly, I don’t care if you’re a detective or the Princess of Equestria herself, you will respect the rules of the library, which means you won’t disrupt others or make a nuisance of yourself. Which you are clearly doing here by disturbing my personal space, so begone with you.”
Just as Quick was about to shove Booster away, her hooves passed right through him, and the only result for all her troubles was an icy shiver running up her forelegs and directly to her spine, causing her to shiver all over.
Booster stared at her as goosebumps crawled up her flesh while she squirmed in her seat. Taking another drag on his cigarette, Booster said, “Yeah, no, see, as an peace-keeper of the law, I can break those rules, especially if they’re rules held up by some seedy smuggling operation.”
“This isn’t a seedy smuggling operation!” Quick Study snapped at him. This was immediately followed by a chorus of “shhhhhh!” all around her. Blushing intensely, she said in a hushed voice, “And how… how exactly did my hooves pass right through you? And where did you get that other cigarette from?”
Booster held his cigarette, shrugged, then flicked it on the table like the other. “I’dunno.”
Quick Study stared at the still-lit cigarette, then back at Booster, with a fresh one on his lips in but a second. She didn’t even catch him moving when it appeared. “But… how in the… what?”
“Enough stalling. I know what your operation is all about,” Booster said, both hooves on the table. “Now tell me where you’re getting the salt licks. Was it the Griffon Triad? Or perhaps the Minotaur Cartel? I know for a fact those sugarcubes are coming from somewhere in the Donkey Mafia hierarchy, but where? And the peanut butter, oh boy, the peanut butter. I know the New Diamonds are all up in that. All youse needs to tell me is where the shipments are coming in and maybe, maybe, I can help you get a plea bargain.”
However, Quick Study had wisely stopped paying attention to Booster Bones, and was instead rifling in her satchel through various notes and books.
“Hey, I’m tryin’ to talk over here!”
“Aha,” Quick said, withdrawing a particularly burdensome novel. “I knew it’d be in here somewhere. Ghostly Specters and You. Just what I needed.”
Now it was Booster’s turn to stare at Quick with his jaw slack.
Flipping through a couple of pages and adjusting her glasses, Quick read aloud: “Ghosts, otherwise known as ghouls and even living-challenged, are often the result of a devastating death coupled with unfinished business in their previous life. A ghost will only be able to move on once this business is done and they find peace with themselves.”
“Why are you reading about ghosts now?” Booster asked, his head popping up through the table. “Trying to wiseguy me outta my job by distracting me with mumbo-jumbo?”
“Nothing of the sort! This is just my first time seeing a ghost is all, so I need to brush up on some more information, which this book I have conveniently stored away is providing me,” Quick Study replied. “Oh, here’s something else. Apparently ghosts can pass through nearly any physical substance and are practically invisible to everyone unless they choose to interact with one of the living. Along with this, ghosts can levitate and change their form into whatever they want, though typically they keep their appearance of when they just died.”
“So what?” Booster said, lazily floating on his back just as he slid right through a random passerby, who crumbled in a ball on the floor as they experienced a terrible brain freeze. “I don’t see no ghosts around here.”
“Booster… you’re the ghost.”
Booster got back on all fours and blew nicotine-laden smoke out of his nostrils. “Oh, so just ‘cause I’m skinny apparently I’m some type of ghost. Well, well, well, I see the criminals around here have just gotten worse over the years!”
Quick Study met his anger with a deadpan look. “Booster, drop the act. You’re obviously some type of ghost who is doomed to this mortal realm because of some incident in your previous life. Probably related to your death or job.”
“Ha, joke’s on you, I’m not dead!” Booster scratched the side of his face. “Although… there was this one time I came really close to dying. It had something to do with a soda machine and ripping me off… and then shaking…” Rubbing his head, Booster reached into the large conspicuous hole in his hat and withdrew a soda bottle. “Oh hey, Cream Beet Fizz! My favorite!”
“Well… then it obviously has to do with something about unfinished business.” Tapping her temple, Quick Study asked, “Booster, can you recall the last case you were on before your untimely death.”
“But I didn’t die.”
“But you’re a ghost.”
“No I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Fine! Then what was your last case?”
Booster opened his mouth for a few seconds, closed it, pouted, flicked his bottom lip a couple of times, groaned even longer, and finally just shrugged. “I’dunno. I thought this sting operation with the smuggling and books was it.”
Quick Study sighed with deep contempt in her breath. “So… you can’t even remember what case you were on?”
“Oh, wait!” Booster pulled out a crumpled note from one of his coat pockets. “I had this handy-dandy note written down before I went to do my rounds. And…” Booster sucked in a dramatic gasp. “Holy slimy snails on a stinky salt lick!”
“What is it?” Quick Study said, eyes immediately drawn to the note.
“It says right here I have to buy more catfood and turn off the oven at my house.” Booster squinted as he reread the note. “Huh, I didn’t even remember having a cat. Or oven. Or a house. You think they’ll be alright?”
“Uh… suuuuuuuure.”
“Whew, that’s a relief.” Crumpling the note and discarding it to the side, Booster regarded Quick Study with a contemplative look. “But that doesn’t get youse off the hook just yet. I’m still interested in what gang your ‘library’ organization works for.”
“I work for Equestria’s Ministry of Archives.”
“What type of whacko name for a gang is that?”
Quick Study tilted her head. “A… gang? In Baltimare? Why, there hasn’t been a gang in this city in over thirty years. All thanks to higher-paid police force and those child labor laws.”
“Whoa, whoa, hold on… the police got a pay raise here?” Booster rubbed his chin. “Damn, I’ve been in the wrong field all this time...”
“Uh, excuse me, Booster,” Quick Study said. She was about to poke him with her hoof, but remembering her last experience with that, she merely knocked her hoof on the table. “What year was it when you last visited Baltimare?”
Booster shrugged. “Heck, why should I know? I usually don’t even know the date today. Plus, well, uh…” Booster whistled and adjusted his hat. “I was hitting the syrup preeeeeeeeeetty hard back in the day.”
“Syrup?”
“Maple, to be exact.” Booster patted his chest with a hoof and grinned. “But never fear, I’ve cut myself down to a bottle or six a day. But from what I remember… there definitely weren’t any parks in the city. Or playgrounds. Or child labor laws. And most definitely not whatever this ‘library’ thingy is.”
“...You’ve never been inside a library, have you?”
“Weeeeeell, technically I’m in one right now. Although last I remember this exact same spot was some abandoned warehouse that used to sell illegal fireworks.” Booster stared bleakly into the distance of some unseen past, a gulp the only thing breaking the icy look in his eyes. “Highly illegal fireworks. I never could get the smell of burning hair out of my nose ever since that day…”
“Booster, don’t you see? The reason everything is so different is because you’ve been dead for so many years. That’s why you’ve never seen a library before—even though I’m pretty sure during your time period they had them, in which I’m just chalking that up to poor education. There’s no smuggling ring going on here, just ponies going about their day reading books to their hearts’ content.” Quick Study patted her ghost book and smiled warmly to Booster. “Like I am right now. Amazing what decades of literacy rates going higher does to a city, isn’t it?”
“Hmmmmm…” Booster Bones inhaled deeply on his cigarette, then slowly exhaled it out of his nose. He nodded a few times. “Mmmmmhmmm.” Finally, he pulled his cigarette out of his mouth and said, “Wow, you’re one heck of a loony dame.”
“I-I beg your pardon?”
“Tryin’ to convince me I’m a ghost? Really? I’ve seen desperate dames do a buncha whacko things before to get away with their crimes, but thus far you’re the craziest.” Booster shrugged with a smug smirk. “And also the most creative, so points there.”
Quick’s teeth started to grind together as that infernal smirk dug right into her vision. “Listen, you ghostly buffoon, I’m trying to help you. You’re a ghost. You died many years ago and haven’t realized it, even though it should be glaringly obvious to even the most moronic of ponies. Do. You. Understand?”
“Oh, I understand plenty,” Booster replied. He slid his bowler hat forward so that it shrouded his face in the shadows, with only his golden irises seen in the dimness. “Your honeypot routine is absolutely outstanding. For any lesser detective or stallion you might have gotten away with it. Might have, that is. But you didn’t count on Booster Bones, did’ya? I’ve dealt with dames a dozen who would practically throw themselves on top of me just to avoid a parking ticket. So sorry to burst your bubble, but Booster Bones don’t work that way. ‘Cause I have somethin’ better than that. Something deeper. I gots a badge.” Booster parted his coat to reveal a grimy looking badge with whatever name of the city it belonged to scratched out after years of wear and tear. “And I’m married to it. A deep, passionate kinship a two-bit floozy like yourself would never understand.”
“...Did you just call me a floozy?!” Quick Study asked, her voice a couple of octaves higher than was permitted in the library, but no one dared “shhhhhh!” her due to the rage in her eyes.
“Well, I ain’t callin’ youse to dinner.” Booster winked. “Unless, of course, when youse get outta prison you turn around your evil-doing ways and decide a fresh start would do youse good. A fresh start with an exceptionally handsome detective who is considered the best in his field is definitely what I would have in mind.”
Quick Study was visibly shaking with rage, but she had enough composure to instead of beating her hooves against Booster (which would have been useless anyway) to point to the library’s exit and say, “You know what? Forget about helping you. I’m not going to deal with the headache of some big-headed, undead idiot. Just get out!”
Booster shrugged and started on his way his way. “Pfft, whatever. When I get to the police station this entire vile book operation is going down! And you with it, missy!”
However, when Booster Bones walked outside, he pondered why he went in there in the first place. Also he had trouble recalling what he had been doing the last five minutes. Actually, now that he was on the subject, what city was he in anyway? It smelled like cat piss and garbage.
With all these questions piling up on him, Booster Bones could only smile in glee.
Looks like another mystery to solve.