The next day, I felt well enough to get out of my rack and walk around a little. There was still something wrong with my head, and after finding a mirror, I learned why. It was deformed.
My initial comparison to my head “getting cracked like a walnut” under the falling mast seemed to have been pretty accurate. I couldn’t manage to get my ears pointed in the same direction, my eyes weren’t even, and somehow, even my nose was crooked.
It was kind of a wonder that I wasn’t dead from brain damage. Good luck keeps you from being a dead duck.
I was okay with my new look, however. I had no need to be pretty, and while I had rarely been propositioned by mares, this would surely keep them at bay now. While I was physically the same species, my mind hadn’t managed to get over the Great Bestiality Divide, and I wasn’t eager to make the jump.
I contemplated the mental image of Evel Knievel building a ramp next to a gap labeled “bestiality” and then jumping a motorcycle over it while having sex with a pony. Goddamnit brain, what is wrong with you?
Twilight came in. “You’re up, I see,” she said. “Would you like to take a walk?”
“Sure.” I went topside and down the gangplank to the pier with her. There was a kangaroo market set up along the shore. They sold about the same stuff that could be found in Ponyville.
A kangaroo with a hat came bouncing up. His headgear was of the bush variety, typically thought of in conjunction with Australia. I hadn’t heard any of the residents of the Kangaroo Kingdom speak like Aussies, though, so I really couldn’t afford to assume that any particular stereotypes were true.
“Hey there Twilight,” said the kangaroo. “Who’s your friend?”
“This is Valiant,” she said.
“Commodore Valiant,” I corrected.
“Hopper,” said the kangaroo, offering a paw. He knew enough about ponies to make a fist so I could brohoof him.
He glanced at my face. “Wow, when Twilight told me yesterday that you weren’t feeling well, I had no idea that you’d gone a few rounds with a crocodile.”
“Can I go a few rounds with one?” I asked.
Hopper laughed. Twilight looked worried.
“We can do that,” he said.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Hell yeah,” I said. “When will this opportunity come again?”
“I wouldn’t exactly call it an opportunity,” Twilight commented.
“What would you call it?” I asked.
She thought for a moment. “Suicide.”
I shrugged. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve got a secret weapon. I’m pretty confident about this. If you don’t rock, don’t fight a croc.”
The Croc Pit, as it was known, was a popular place for the locals to go and have some fun. Such festivities seemed to have a steep mortality rate, which might indicate that the Kangaroo Kingdom did not put much public spending into Arts & Entertainment to keep them otherwise occupied.
I fought to suppress my rage at the lack of government spending. One evil dictatorship at a time, I told myself. While a world tour of democracy would have been pretty cool, I was only one pony. Can’t spread myself too thin if I want to win.
Instead, I channeled my anger into the upcoming fight with a crocodile. Hopper and I picked out a particular croc near the edge of the water. A couple of kangaroos had showed up to watch.
“Um, what’s this secret weapon you were talking about?” Twilight asked me.
“Why do you want to know?”
“I just want to make sure it makes sense and isn’t some crazy scheme.”
“I’m going to hold his mouth shut,” I said matter-of-factly. “Crocodiles supposedly have powerful bites, but have weaker muscles that open their mouths.”
“You’re basing your entire survival on that?” she asked, incredulously.
“I don’t see you fighting a crocodile,” I said. I turned and waded into the water.
As it turns out, holding a croc’s mouth shut is the easy part. The hard part is hanging on while he flips his head around. I probably shouldn’t have picked one that was larger than I was.
“Yeah, ride ‘em cowboy!” whooped Hopper. The gathered crowd shouted encouragement.
When my back legs came unclamped from around the croc’s neck, I knew I had a problem. When my front legs pulled loose of his muzzle, I knew I was in trouble. I got tossed into the air and the croc opened his mouth wide.
When you’re about to be lunch, answer with a punch. Jeeze, Iron Will should be paying me for these lines.
I performed a neat swan dive straight down the crocodile’s throat and smacked his uvula around a little. I had carefully tucked my appendages together to stay inside the teeth, so all he could do was gum me.
It was kind of weird there for a while with the saliva and stuff. Eventually the crocodile, like many of the residents of Ponyville, decided I was too annoying to deal with and spit me out. I landed in a heap at Hopper’s feet.
“How about that?” I said, standing up.
“That was nuts,” he said, laughing. “We should go get banana-nut muffins to celebrate how nuts that was.”
“I’m allergic to nuts,” I said.
“Well, it’s a good thing you’re straight,” he said, slapping me on the shoulder.
In Equestria, I had long ago gotten tired of that joke. Perhaps here I could get everyone to be afraid of telling it. It was the first time that it had been told by a kangaroo, so maybe if I made a strong impression, I could ensure that it was also the last time.
“Twilight, do you have a glove?” I asked.
“What?” she said, clearly confused.
I sighed. “Go kill that croc, take the skin, make some nice crocodile hide leather, stitch a pair of gloves out of it, and give me one so I can slap Hopper’s face and demand satisfaction.”
“Are you challenging me to a duel?” he asked.
“Damn right I am. If I win, you will no longer tell that joke.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” he said, “but all right. Since you challenged me, I’ll decide the terms. How about…boxing? Meet me in the town square at sundown.”
“It’s a deal,” I said. He hopped away.
“Valiant, what did you just do?” demanded Twilight. “If you lose, the Kangaroo Kingdom will think ponies are pushovers! If you win, we’ll look like troublemakers!”
I thought for a moment. “Maybe I should let him win. That would make the kangaroos take me less seriously and make a regime replacement more of a surprise.”
Twilight facehoofed. “Are you seriously considering that?”
I shook my head. “You’re right. Honor comes first. I could never throw a fight.”
“That’s not what I meant!” she called, but I was already on my way back to the ship. I had to get ready.
“Now Ah know you ain’t never done a lick of honest work in your life,” said Applejack, “but as an earth pony, you do have a natural strength advantage going for you.”
“Pfft,” said Rainbow. “You’d be better off as a pegasus with a natural speed advantage.”
“I certainly think that using magic as a unicorn would be best,” said Rarity.
“He isn’t allowed to use magic,” said Twilight. I’d picked her as my second, and she’d reluctantly coordinated the duel with Hopper’s second.
“This is a boxing match,” Twilight continued. “While it’s a very loose definition of ‘boxing’, that’s all it is—a fight with only contact strikes allowed.”
I shuffled back and forth a little and hoofed the air a few times. Twilight watched me critically and sighed, going back to reading a copy of the dueling code. She was probably worrying about how the fight would affect Equestria’s image with the kangaroos.
“Oh, I’m so excited, I’ve never seen a duel before!” said Pinkie. She put a hoof around Fluttershy’s shoulder. “You’ll sit with me in the front row, won’t you, ‘Shy? Maybe we’ll even get blood on us!” She giggled. Fluttershy didn’t.
I glanced at Pinkie, wondering perhaps if I should instead try a quick dye job and pass her off as me. No—honor, dammit. If I was going to be dishonorable about this, I would have just stabbed Hopper as soon as he cracked the joke in the first place.
I may not stand for many things, and sometimes inconsistently at those, but I finish what I start. Yes, even if it is stupid and has international political repercussions.
We showed up in the town square at the appointed time. I was a little surprised at the crowd that had showed up to watch.
“Wow,” said Spike. “I want to be the announcer!” He found a place to stand and began calling the event.
“In this corner, sporting boxing gloves and a grin, we have Hopper!”
The kangaroo crowd cheered.
“And on this side, coated in orange, we have the ugly...the fugly...Valiant!”
Pinkie cheered.
I shot Spike a look for his description of me, although I really couldn’t blame him. It was true.
Hopper’s second gave Spike a list of rules. He read them out loud. “The fight will last until one opponent cannot rise after a ten-count. No weapons are allowed, and no projectiles will be tolerated. This will be a close contest of hard blows. And…fight!”
Hopper bounced a little, smiling at me. He wore boxing gloves on his paws.
“Valiant!” called Twilight. “The gloves are just a ruse! Watch out for his kick!”
“No shit!” I yelled at her. “I’d have to be an idiot to forget that a kangaroo’s back legs are the strongest part of his body!”
I turned back and realized the follies of getting distracted. Hopper was at least nice enough to wait for me to face him again before propping himself up on his tail and kicking hard with both legs.
He hit me square in the chest and I went flying backwards, tumbling end over end. I slammed into a nearby building face first.
The referee hopped over and began counting. It took until three before I stopped seeing stars. He counted six before I sat up. It wasn’t until nine that I was back on my hooves, swaying a little. Hopper made a “come here” gesture.
“Ohmygosh,” said Pinkie. “Your face is back to normal, Valiant!”
“Huh?” I felt my head. She was right.
“You son of a bitch!” I shouted. “You had no right to re-rearrange my face!” I galloped towards him and launched myself at his head. I got a 5-hit combo as he flailed backwards, landing on his back. While he was down, I kicked him in the kangaroo junk.
The crowd went dead quiet. I looked around. Every eye was wide with surprise and every mouth was open with shock.
“What? Nobody said I couldn’t make him stay down for the count.”
I had time to contemplate that statement later after they tied me to a stake in the middle of the croc pit.