6.6
Thunk-bonk wasn’t normally the sound heard from an apple bucking in Big Macintosh’s experience. Wasn’t to say it was completely outside of his experience; more of an ‘Applejack is trying too darn hard again’ sound brought on from bucking while exhausted or distracted and dropping a branch on some pony’s head. If he was a betting pony—them poker nights with Spike, Turner, and the others didn’t count—then he’d put good money on the source being Sunbeam. Distraction had been her middle name for the last week since Diamond Tiara had moved up to Canterlot and left her flunky-friend Silver Spoon to rot with barely an apology. She had too darn big and gooey of a heart for her own good, and she had been worrying herself sick trying to get the foals to stop picking on the filly. Far too big, as far as he reckoned; Tiara had been a bad seed from the get-go, and her influence had left Silver just about outcast from her peers, and he couldn’t see much of a way to get Silver back into the town’s good graces without the influence Filthy left to his daughter. For that matter, he hadn’t been too interested in explaining in detail how bad Diamond had been to Filthy, seeing as the old stallion was still the biggest customer for the farm.
“Stupid.” Thunk. “Stupid.” Thunk, “Stupid!” Thunk! “Mean-stupid!” Thunk. “Stupid-mean!” Thunk.” “Jerkish!” Thunk! “Cowardly!” Thunk! “Spiteful!” Thunk! “No-good!” Thunk! “Bunch of meaniepants!” Thunk-THUNK!
“Ruining mah trees.” Big Macintosh interrupted her quietly, having snuck up on his apple bucking partner from the side. That’d be the other reason he had been confident it was her, she was the only one close-by.
With a yelp of surprise, Sunbeam’s kick down the line went wide as her hooves missed the trunk of the tree by a few inches to either side of its mass. Without a firm backstop, her weight and the motion of her kick kept carrying her back until the evil spiteful witch named Physics ensured that the inevitable collision took place. Her next sound was far more pitiful, a soft whimper of pain that tickled its way out just after the tender slap of soft flesh against hard bark; it was the sort of whimper a pony made when they whacked their tender bits something fierce.
Macintosh backed away slowly as she slowly slid to the ground in a groaning heap of pain, afraid for his Little Mac if she took offense to the accident. When her soft, hap-hazard chuckles escaped one by one, he crouched down to look at her. “Just yer pride?”
“Not especially.” She wheezed quietly. “But also yes.” That was more of a squeak, like a twisted balloon. Fitting, as she rolled onto her back and curled her legs protectively close.
He let her twitch on the ground and imitate a dying bug for a bit longer so as to let her work the pain out of her system before he tried to lighten her mood. She probably wouldn’t kick him. Maybe. “Need a shoe?”
“What?” She wheezed again.
“All curled up like a dead bug, Put’chya out of yer misery and such-like.” He whimsically lilted, holding out a hoof while winking at her.
“I’ll live.” Sunbeam gingerly ground out before rocking back and forth until she rolled back upright again. A pity he smartly moved back out of range. She thought he could use a swift kick to the shin for startling her like that. “You know, it’s not nice to startle a lady like that.” She pretended to shake and shiver with more aching than she actually felt as she rose back to her hooves, playfully shaking out bit by bit from nose to tail with a bit of emphasis on her hind legs just to twerk Macintosh lightly.
“The way you were going, Ah couldn’t help it.” He solemnly intoned. “’Sides, yer not that much of a lady.”
“Hey!”
“More of a feisty gal, if ya ask me. One with a big ole’ heart.”
With a blush, Sunbeam shut up again. Well, shutting up, but gaping down. If she let her mouth hang open any farther in shock it’d probably be bad for her health. She’d end up swallowing a fly, and then swallow the spider on the start of some ridiculous foal’s tale to get rid of it all. No, stop that, that was silly.
She shut her mouth after a bit of percussive brain resetting involving shaking her head hard enough to bounce it a bit off of the insides of her skull. It took a bit more than most ponies, since it was mostly air in there. He was totally right, though. She wouldn’t have noticed Luna ballet-dancing through the orchards in a pink tutu while belting out the Ring Cycle in the Royal Canterlot Speaking Voice with the way she was letting herself get distracted. “You’re right, Big Macintosh. The troubles with the students has been rather preoccupying my attention lately. I’ve been too busy thinking about foals instead of doing the job you hired me to do.”
“This ‘bout Diamond Tiara?”
“No.” She stopped on her way back to the cart; pondered a bit. “Yes.” Big Mac’s raised eyebrow bored into her. “Maybe. Not so much her as her leaving.”
“Ah heard.” Macintosh mentioned.
“I know I shouldn’t be so worried about her going to the Canterlot Business School—“
“Eenope.”
“—But I know what she’s going to go through. She’s not ready, and they’ll torment her until she’s quite mad.”
“Eemaybe.”
“Then there’s Silver Spoon!”
“Eeyup?”
“The foals are all bullying her now that Diamond Tiara’s gone and can’t sick her daddy on their parents!”
“Eeyup.”
“Don’t they know how awful of a thing that is to do from the way Diamond bullied them?”
“Eenope.”
“Silver Spoon’s been so rattled lately that she’s barely paying attention, and other than the Crusaders, the foals are making it almost impossible for her to go to school!”
“Eeyup.”
“I’m going halfway crazy trying to get them to live by better examples!”
“Full ways.”
“Stop that.”
“Eenope.”
Sigh. “Whatever. Ugh, I’m afraid Silver is going to stop showing up if I can’t get the class to stop retaliating for the torments they suffered at Diamond’s hooves.”
“Eeyup.”
“I’m just about ready to give up and ask her parents to move at this rate.”
“Eenope.”
“You think I can still help her?” Sunbeam looked up from where she had laid her head on the railing of the cart, looking at Big Macintosh with hopeful eyes.
“Eeyup.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t give up on her yet!”
“Eenope!”
Still, her hooves scraped at the ground in expression of her frustration. It wasn’t as simple as telling a pony to make friends. She had four years of reports to tell her that. “I’ve got to figure out how to get them to make friends with her. Maybe I could find a way to emphasize her better natures. She was positively ashamed of some of the things Tiara tried to pull with me.”
“Eeyup.”
“In fact, did she ever take the lead in bullying a pony? I can’t recall coming across a note as such in Cheerilee’s notes.”
“Eenope.”
“So she’s a follower.” Ah, there was the angle she had been needing.
“Eeyup?”
“Which might mean her behavior would drastically change if she took on a new leader figure.”
“Eemaybe?”
“Furthermore, being seen with a friend might convince the students that she is willing to reform.” Sunbeam was pacing about in a circle by that point, studiously plotting as her mental agitation was reflected in her movements.
“Eeyup?”
“Maybe. It’d have to be seen to be without doubt before they would buy it. It’d have to be utterly genuine. But how?”
“Eeyup?” If it wasn’t for the fact that the rest of the trees needed to be bucked, Big Macintosh might have decided to hide behind one. Err, inspect the bark at close range, Apples didn’t hide.
Sunbeam’s whimper of frustration was particularly loud as she flopped to the ground and held her head in her hooves so she could squeeze her brain out of her ears. What had been a simple problem was turning into a mess as labyrinthine as Canterlot politics. Nay, Canterlot versus Cloudsdale in an all-out brawl to the political death while Manehatten sat on the sidelines throwing apples at both to keep riling them up. Not only would the friend have to be compatible in personality, but there was also the issue that she had to put them into a situation conducive to friendship, ensure that the new party wouldn’t pick up Silver Spoon’s current Tiara-taught bad habits through proxy, the some pony had to be a party that the rest of the students could conclusively say she hadn’t simply bribed, that they could be seen together, and that the pony or ponies in question wouldn’t accidentally teach her new bad habits in the process.
She could go for the obvious answer in the Crusaders, but given their history with Silver it’d take a miracle to make the group work. Given that her astral mane was put away and all pink and limp, she couldn’t exactly pull a miracle out of her mane. So, she progressed to grinding her nose into the ground in frustration for a bit until it was red and throbbing and she could stand it no more. Anxious frustration drove her to get back up and start absent-mindedly picking up her apple baskets, stomping about and carrying on with exaggerated movements as her thoughts escaped without a mind/mouth filter to keep them in.
Big Mac picked up Sunbeam’s apple-bucking duties so he could keep his distance, her mood made him afraid to interrupt her mumbling through working out his problems. Letting them rant their problems out usually worked pretty nicely once you had ‘em going. But, it was dangerous as they would often lash out a bit if some pony or something interrupted their thought train. Best thing, then, would be to skittishly and quietly keep a distance.
Come to think of it, Miss Sunbeam reminded him of more than one of his sister’s friends; the oddest combination of them as well, come to think of it. She had the picky fastidiousness of Miss Belle, and her eye for beauty and that strange willingness to give selflessly; Princess Sparkle’s mad twitchiness, madder brainstorming, and her just plain odd grasp of magic; and she has the raw enthusiasm and relentless drive of Pinkie Pie that practically turned her into a vibrating blob of energy half the time. That last part was probably what drove her to teach and far at the same time. Might be the gallon-sized cups of coffee he sometimes caught her sneaking. Nah. She was probably just naturally bouncy and energetic.
‘Course, she was also still going, even five minutes later. And probably about to talk herself hoarse. Or drive him mad, she might drive him mad instead.
“Rumble will think she has cooties, and even if that’s overcome he’s noted for being a rough-houser. It’s not surprising given that his brother is one of the auxiliary guards for Ponyvile, but could lead to her own reversion to roughhouse tendencies, which could lead to much bigger problems. Featherweight would most likely get along nicely, but the little f—err, Featherweight does have a bad habit of ignoring all privacy laws. For shame on him, sneaking into Canterlot and taking those pictures of Princess Celestia like that. She’d probably turn into a stalker under his influence. Then again, I could arrange for Button Mash to meet with her. As far as I know, he’s never had any bad interactions with her, and he’s a nice attentive colt who follows all the rules. But then again, he always feels so strange, like he doesn’t want to be around ponies. He also doesn’t exactly have a social life. I suppose it might have to do with his strange cutie mark. I’ve never heard of a block figure before. Maybe he’s an artist.”
Right. She was jumping off the plotting deep end into the mareianas trench. With Sunbeam’s babbling stream of thought growing ever more frantic, Macintosh finished the last of the small square of trees and came over to snap her out of it. Then he stopped. Twilight had certainly never started flittering up into the air when he let her work her problems out at him, but there Sunbeam went, rising up over the tops of the trees as she lost herself in thought. There was a rope on the front bench of the wagon. He might not be a rodeo champion like Applejack, but he still could throw a mean lasso ‘round an errant pegasus.
“Gah!” Sunbeam yelped with a rope twisted around her hind legs and a sharp tug to grab her attention. “Oh, oh dear. I got a little wrapped up.”
There was that Pinkie-ism again. “Eeyup.”
“At the accidental pun, or the overthinking?” She called down to him as she slowly and carefully hovered downwards.
“Eeyup.”
“Smart Alek.” Sunbeam set down after she chided him, first wriggling out of the lasso before rolling herself calm on the grass patch to freshen up from her twitchy anxiousness. It was a curious sensation, rolling on the grass: it always gave her the strangest urge to forget everything and wriggle around belly-up while forgetting all her responsibilities. Nonsense, that was just silly. “You know, I can’t think of any pony who would both be a good influence on her AND be willing to be Silver Spoon’s friend. I was right the first time. Maybe I should just give up.”
“Eenope.” Macintosh grunted before he started picking up baskets to take back to the cart.
“You think I should keep trying?”
“Eeyup.”
“Even after seeing how worked up I got?”
“Eeyup.”
“But how?” Sunbeam just about whined as she got back up again. No, that wasn’t acceptable at all. She was the Unconquered Sun! She was—used to having way more resources and information to solve problems with. With only the foals of Ponyvile to work with, and a rather limited set of resources, what would once have been a trivial problem to Friendship the crap out of was turning into a nightmare. Right, first came moving the apple buckets, though.
“I still don’t have an angle on how to help her, though. No pony who would help her in the class would just listen to me and give her a second chance.” She grumbled in annoyance after she dropped her next bucket in besides Macintosh’s own.
He kept stoic as she huffed in frustration, acting as a rock for her. “Eenope.”
“And it’s not like I could just manufacture some crazy scenario to force a friendship between her and the ponies most likely to get Tiara’s bad ideas out of her head! I don’t have the time, or know where to start! Sure, it’s the best way, but—but—gah!” Sunbeam angrily threw up a hoof in the middle of her miniature rant, waving it around impotently to Big Macintosh’s disconcertion as he hastily dropped flat on the ground and covered his head to avoid getting brained.
“Pinkie!?”
“What?” That was—ooh, new variable! She hadn’t even considered recruiting outside help like that. Ponderously did her mental gears crank back to life; ponderously did her own rather excessive rump turn with her inner thoughts as she spun in place. Yes, Pinkie the Pink, secret master of the Joyous Ways—okay, not that secret. Yes, her. Pinkie, and Rarity, and the crazy stallion down the lane who worked with clocks and who was oddly familiar to her, Mr. Turner-something. Yes, they would do; they, and many others. “Yes, Pinkie. Pinkie the Pink! Pinkie the Mad! Why, I don’t even need a harrowing situation, just a perilous one!”
A fell wind kicked up all around them as an evil set of chuckles burbled like a brook from her heart. Lighting crackled from a sudden storm as she burst into maniacal laughter and held her hooves to the skies as she cackled her triumph over the dastardly odds of Friendship Science! But first, she had to finish her job. Clouds whipped away again as suddenly as they came, throwing the small square grove back into the harsh contrast of direct sunlight as she practically walked on air over Macintosh’s head.
“Harrowing Situation?” He wasn’t liking where her train of thought was chugging towards. Eenope, not at all. Old flashbacks to the Smarty Pants incident came to mind, and was it him or were all the shadows darker and creepier?
“What? Oh, well, uh, no!” Sunbeam protested as she skidded to a halt beside the next basket and his anxious tone registered in her mind. Pulling her hooves up from being buried fetlock-deep into the soft loam by her skid took up her next second. “No-no! THAT plan was a terrible iteration! But it was based off a good iteration! Friendship Science is a very developed discipline, now!”
Applewood handles had an odd taste to them when one had an adrenaline rush from the rapid-fire brainstorm of a plan putting itself together. It was almost fruity-smokey, with a hint of tangy goodness. A pity the jitters of nervous energy made it hard to enjoy as one frantically tried to keep their twitches from bouncing from the basket. It was sort of like trying to keep steady in an ice cube ballet performance on a hot and windy Appleoosa summer day, even if her wings did provide a nice wide surface to catch them with. Oh hey! She made a country-ism! Blending in was always so nice.
At least it gave time for Big Mac’s eyebrows to bury themselves in the metaphorical snowpack of his mane. “Mind ‘splaining?” He drawled as he trundled back to the wagon with his next set of baskets.
With a squee, Sunbeam broke out her teaching glasses from her mane and pulled out her emergency chalkboard from where she had stowed it under the cart in case of teaching emergency. Why was he snorting like that and hiding behind the wagon like she was a hungry manticore? Had he never seen a properly prepared teacher before? Bah. “One of the most durable, deepest, and longest-lasting harmonic bonds is the kind fixed through common stakes in the face of adversity!”
Sunbeam rapidly chalked out the principles of the Belle-Apple effect (or was it Apple-Belle?) on the board, drawing in the debated Dashian variables to account for varying numbers of outsiders in an event. “As you can see, when confronted the previously semi-hostile factions band together when provided the proper conditions! This effect can be seen on all levels of society from interpersonal all the way up to multi-species coalitions! It’s scientific!” She was most certainly cackling like a mad scientist!
“The part about the peril?” Macintosh redirected with mounting alarm as he peered over the side of the wagon with only the top of his head from the eyes up visible with folded ears.
A manically-gesturing hoof paused mid-swing as Sunbeam realized she was freaking him out. With that sheepish realization firmly in her mind, she slowly lowered herself to the ground so as to avoid further startling him. First came off her glasses, nearly closing them up with a sharp flick and a click. “Well, um—yes. No actual peril involved.” She calmly apologized as she once more reset herself to be the model of calm, slicking her mane back into a smooth comb-over with a wet hoof.
Contesting her calming statement came her stomach, the traitorous organ growling with fiery anger and the despair of a great pit left to yawn into an eternal void. Overdramatic bugger. She sloshed her belly to calm it down and continued on. “Okay, maybe my waistline will be imperiled with extreme peril, but no pony important!”
Big Mac put his fore-hooves on the top of the sideboard railing, standing up tall. “Eenope!”
Sunbeam’s dramatic manic smile dropped entirely in an instant, as did her rump. She flopped to the ground in sudden shocked as the wind left her wings, which too drooped low enough that they seemed to have melted and puddled beside her. Worse was the pitiful look on her face, which would have melted even the most fortified heart. “You don’t want me to try?”
“Eenope.” Big Macintosh tried to correct. He beat a trail around the wagon when he realized he had distressed her further; dashing up to her with an agility that belied his size just so that he could pick up her chin and look her in the eyes. “Yer important.”
Words like that had a bad habit of turning mares into pony-shaped tomatoes, as Sunbeam promptly demonstrated at his words and gentle touch. “I—I- buh, No I’m not! I can think of plenty of ponies to do my jobs! I’m not Twilight, or Cadance, or—“
“Just cuz some pony can do your job doesn’t mean they’re you.” Big Macintosh scolded tenderly from memory, drawing on far too many practices with his sister. “Ain’t no pony like you. Just cuz some pony can do things you can doesn’t mean yer body is up for abuse. Now then, this peril perilous?” He poked her gently in the gut to add to his point.
“Oh.” She blushed a bit more from the praise before she realized they were back to talking about her plan. “Oh! Peril most extreme from Pinkie will befall my waistline.” She playfully exaggerated to him while poking her belly with a hoof for effect. Then again, would it work, or would she just get fattened? There was still a lot that could go wrong. “Maybe. If I can make this work.”
“Best to make sure to get it right the first time ‘round.” Macintosh pointed out helpfully before he picked up the basket by her hooves.
“Eeyup.” There was the Big Mac stink-eye for using his catch phrase again. Right, stop doing that. There was only one master of eeyups and eenopes. Getting back to picking up baskets again for a few minutes, she picked up her pace to satisfy to Big Macintosh that it would be okay for her to put her neck out on a foolish venture. The baskets stacked up quick, but they still had more than half left to go when Big Mac wrenched the next one from her grip. “Hey! What gives?”
“Filly. Go. Be Big Darn Hero.” He pointed as he drawled.
“I get the day off?!”
“Eeyup.” He shook the hoof pointing towards town sternly.
“Thank you!” She yelped, taking up and off with a shout. The work shade clouds all across the acres whipped with her windy passage, spinning into whirlpools of motion in the skies above. Like dances of snow, almost, cottony motion in poetry. Darn it, he needed to get back to work. The hard part was done, though, thanks to that plumb fool gal. She just left most of the cleanup thanks to her preoccupation. She had the darnedest habit of putting the needs of almost all others before her own just about no matter what.
The whistle of a sighing breath rattled beneath Big Macintosh’s yoke as he stopped and took a moment to contemplate his family’s orchard. “So pretty. Makes a stallion wish he had more.”
SMOOOCH! “Thank you!” Furiously blushing, Sunbeam carefully hovered away from him under the blissful silence. She had come back to thank him again, and left blissing out as she slunk away.
Another sigh seemed to be the best response for Big Macintosh as his hoof came up to tenderly rub the cheek she had kissed. By all that was glorious under Celestia’s sun and Luna’s moon, he finally knew what melting ice cream felt like after that heavenly kiss: sweetness warmed by the sun to melt down into a puddle of happiness to be loved and enjoyed by a loving pony, squeezed into an embrace he’d never leave if he could help it.
Gosh darn it all, that felt good.
His sister wouldn’t exactly agree when she came out an hour later to find him still laying there with that same big goofy grin on his face.