I didn't see this coming.
I mean, yeah, I saw the smack coming. Usually, I do. Usually, it's the first thing I see the moment I break out of a surge; the furry front hoof of somepony I crossed coming towards my face; like I was a page on a passport and it was a stamp. And let me tell you... It hurts to get slapped in the face by a fellow pony. Especially if they got horseshoes. Hoo boy, I don't know who invented those small semi-circular bits of metal attached to pony hooves, but whoever they are and if they are still alive I want to find them, grab their head and rub their possibly ugly face on the floor. What's the matter, the pony who invented horseshoes, the ground's not fucking good enough for you and your delicate little footsies? Well here's what my face feels like on a regular basis thanks to you and your invention, jackass!
...
I went on a bit of a tangent there. I'm sorry. The fact is this: Getting slapped sucks, especially when you don't see it coming.
I especially didn't see it coming when Pinkie Pie, of all ponies, slapping Vinyl.
Yes, that just happened.
No, I am not shitting you.
She slapped Vinyl. She slapped Vinyl hard. Right in her face. By the sound of it, she wasn’t wearing horseshoes, but it was so brutal she might as well. I bet the folks heard it from inside.
She gets more into the DJ’s grill, sneering.
“You… are UMBELIEVABUBBLE!” She finally yells. “The moment she runs off you end up… I can’t even say it. I can’t even say it! How dare you Vinyl, she’s your best friend!”
Uh… I don’t know what’s going on. I look at Vinyl, but all she does is look back at me as she rubs her cheek, with her eyes widened with amazement on what just happened. It seems like we are in agreement: We don’t know what’s going on.
“And you!” The mad-mare shouts, turning to me. “Why do you think this is going to help matters? I mean, sure; I’m not Princess Cadence, but I think it makes no sense to… NOPE! Still can’t say it! I saw it, but…”
“Pinkie, what the fuck are you…?”
I didn’t finish my sentence because my mind, halfway through the sentence, somehow clicked into why a pony should be freaking out like this. What she is trying so very hard to say.
She caught the kiss Vinyl gave me.
That has to be what’s going on. She saw the kiss somehow. But how did she see… Oh shit, that door movement I thought was nothing! That had to be her! It’s all coming together in my head now! She was coming out to see how we were doing, saw the kiss, went back inside thinking that I was cheating on Octavia with Vinyl and after some time with this weighing on her mind she decided came out in crazy bitch mode at us without even considering the possibility of a super-secret love triangle!
…
Hey, Magic, do you remember when you said I should stop believing I’m stuck in a sappy soap opera? Are you not surprised that I’m jumping to such conclusions when stuff like this happen?
“Pinks?” Vinyl says calmly. Something tells me she has also figured what in Tartarus her blue-painted friend was freaking out about as well. “We can explain. Just… just calm down and listen, okay?”
It took a few seconds before Pinkie Pie sighs and sits down. Something tells me she isn’t going to buy this… fuck it. We have to tell her.
“Well…” Vinyl tries to start. “We… uh…”
She looks at me and mouths the words ‘Help me.’
Seriously? Didn’t she come out to her parents? What makes Pinkie so goddess-damn hard to say it to? Ugh, whatever. I’m just going to be blunt with it and rip it off like a Band-Aid.
“She…” I start, pointing at the unicorn. “…is gay and married to Octavia,” I say next, pointing to where I think she left. “And during their Honeymoon four years ago in the Ohana Islands…” I continue, pointing at the direction I’m assuming where the islands they are in relation to the Sugarcube Corner. “… They took some magical powder off a zebra which made them…” I carry on, quickly pointing to both Vinyl and then back to where Octavia could have left. “… realise they want a stallion to love and to hold as well, and she…” I point back at Vinyl. “Decided that I…” I point to myself. “… because apparently I’m the only stallion they know that understands the relationship of the two…” I point to Vinyl and then to Octavia’s possible exit. “… Am that stallion. The kiss was… well, she’s been waiting for that special somepony for a long and hard four years. I think we can forgive her for being a little too excited about it,” I conclude, putting my hoof down. “Can’t we, Pinkie Pie?”
…
“Pinkie Pie?”
She’s… staying still. Too still. In fact, just the fact she hasn’t moved during the entire conversation might be something to be concerned about. I look at Vinyl Scratch who is just as concerned as I am of the situation, only she takes a quick look at me for a brief moment like she ate an off-season Zapapple.
“Vinyl…” Pinkie says quietly. Or at least her version of quietly. “You… you like fillies?”
The now outed mare looks at her petrified party-planning pal. “Y… Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, it’s just that… Tavi and I were keeping it a sec-”
“No! No…” Pinkie Pie interrupts her. “There’s no need to explain yourself. Just… just…” The pink pony takes a few steps back, leaving a shell of blue paint in her original place. “Just make sure Tavi’s okay. Okay?”
The DJ nods. Pinkie looks at me as if she wants to say something, but all she does is walk back inside the Sugarcube Corner. It was then I noticed two cake slices on the floor. Vinyl picks them up, sighing.
“Vinyl… What does this mean?”
“It means the party’s over for us…” She says, hoofing me one of the slices.
“… Here’s your slice for the road.”
“I did the right thing, right?” I eventually ask Vinyl, biting into my cake on the way back to Princess Twilight’s library. Mmm! Minty! How did she know I love mint? “Telling Pinkie all that?”
“I… I guess.” She shrugged. “Probably better than lying to her like I wanted you to do.”
…
“That’s what you wanted me to do?”
“Yeah. I know I didn’t make that clear and it was probably hard to come up with a good lie that explains us lip-locking too, I guess. Probably just as well we told the truth.” She takes a bite out of her slice. “Aw… the cake just had to be mint flavoured, too. I love mint.”
“Me too.”
Vinyl stopped walking. “I’m sorry I got you kicked out of your Cute Mitzvah, Wound.”
I stop to tell her… “Don’t be. To be honest, it was just something to keep Pinkie busy so she doesn’t annoy me while I hang out with the others. You said it yourself: she can be too much sometimes.”
This makes her look back, sighing. She probably is a little worried about the state we left Pinkie in. I bet she’ll be fine, personally. Just a little stunned, that’s all. It’s not the first time I made someone unhappy enough to kick me out of an establishment. They don’t mind that I come back… well, most of them. Still, I feel that I would be unrecognising my new status as ‘the male third’ of this three-way couple if I didn’t ask my one of two filly-friends… “Hey… You alright?”
“Hmm? Yeah. I’m fine. It’s just that… I feel I’ve wronged Pinkie in some way.” Vinyl says, starting to walk again. “I mean, all this time I kept it a secret from everypony; especially her. She…”
She stopped for some reason.
“Look, she was raised on a rock farm, okay? I went to those places a few times. They… they’re pretty traditional in those parts. She tries to be more morally lax compared to the average pony there, but the values of those parts are still very near to her, you know?”
I’m trying and calculate what she is trying to say. One solution came to me in my head, but I’m not sure it’s right. I might need to ask her about it.
“Wait… are you telling me Pinkie Pie’s homophobic?”
She’s nodding.
“Seriously?”
She’s still nodding.
“Pinkie Pie?”
She’s nodding even harder now.
…
“That… that seems out of character to what I thought about her, to be honest.”
“I thought so to when I discovered it.” Vinyl says, looking almost as amazed as I am. “And don’t get me wrong; she knows she shouldn’t be. She does try to go all ‘to each their own’ and shit, but she does act a little more anxious if she thinks you’re batting the opposite team. Like, there is this water dragon I bumped into once who definitely ain’t hiding how he waves his flag, right? He told me he met the six of them back when they were starting. He said she was quiet, which as we both know is NOTHING like her, but he swears to it. She didn’t talk to him at all. Just stared at him weirdly until she left with the others.”
“Holy shit.” I say before taking a huge chunk of cake. “She didn’t even say hi?”
“She said jack shit!” She says, chomping on her own piece. “I even talked to her about it. That’s when she admitted to me that she finds it a bit weird. So naturally, I never told her about me and Tavi. Why open up that can of worms, right?”
…
“Even though I just now did and is why we are out here with only one slice of cake between us.”
She winces. “Did I mention I’m sorry?”
“No, no. It’s cool. I’m willing to bet there wasn’t any booze there anyway.”
“… Yeah, there wouldn’t have been. Like I said; rock farm values. Oh! Speaking of: Let’s go past a liquor shop and buy you a Cute Mitzvah present. I know you got a routine, but…”
I hug her. “You had me at 'liquor shop.'”