Chapter Four
Ponyville General Hospital
I... I can not begin to describe the amount of gawd-awful pain that I have been in for the past few days.
I was one of those individuals who it was rare for them to catch any of the seasonal ‘icks’ that were being passed around like trading cards or the latest internet meme. I’m not terribly sure if this was because I tended to stay secluded from people, or because I had a naturally robust immune system. Either way, when I did come down with something, it was always horrible and seemed to last way longer than it actually needed to.
Everyone knows what it’s like: first it starts out as a tiny thing, a small cough or sneeze or little fever. That’s kind of the reason why I think that the trope ‘evil is cute’ has some validity to it. The symptoms start out all tiny and harmless, so your body thinks that the newly acquired virus or bacteria that just invaded your cells is a little puppy or kitten that it just has to have right here and now. You try to tell your body ‘Now, hold up, they might look cute now, but once that thing starts to incubate and multiply? Who’s going to have to clean up after it? That’s right: Me!’
And clean up after it you do. That slight cough and tickle in the back of the throat will be followed by some wheezing and a soreness that starts to work its way into the joints and muscles. Then comes the mucus, oh sweet fetting lady Luna, the mucus.
As I was laying on the couch, or was it lying? I’m not sure which, but I was reminded of the annual sight of my computer desk decorated with bouquets of curled up encrusted tissue flowers, with varying hues of cream white, off-yellow, or sickly green during the flu season. That’s not to mention those unsightly dirty spots on the monitor. You know, the ones that come about from the ever so unpleasant sneezing fit that you try fighting off. And you’re only fighting it off because you know that sneeze is going to be painful.
And if I had to go outside? I wouldn’t bother with a tissue. Disgusting habit, I know, but when your sinuses are crying out for some sort of relief valve to be turned and there’s no tissues in sight, what can you do?
What was less common was anything that caused me to hurl the contents of my stomach. There are but a few times I can recall it happening, most often because of food poisoning. Ugh, there are a few unpleasant memories being brought up. Last time, it was this tiny out-of-the-way joint which I think was called ‘Diamond Point,’ an all-you-can-eat chicken joint that my roommate, Telegrand, would take me to. I swear, either the chicken had been sitting too long, or the potatoes, or... something! My time spent in the bathroom bowing both ends to the porcelain god after that event put me off that place for the rest of the time I lived with him.
Like I said before, usually these things hit me quick and they hit me hard. That’s exactly what it was like the day after my last reading to the Summer Readers. That whole day was going just fine, up till we had to get them all ready to go home. It was about that time I was starting to feel a little... phlegmy.
At the time, however, I wasn’t really thinking about that. I was mulling over the judgemental expressions being given to me by those colts' and fillies' parents. This was just further compounded by all those death glares I was getting from the animals at Fluttershy’s cottage.
Those were much more... hurtful. As much as whatever the fet crawled its way out Tartarus to grab ahold of my immune system hurts, it doesn’t compare with the feelings invoked by the animals not liking me. That there's something about me which is just off enough for any non-pony species here to start giving me the evil eye... I don’t know why Spike isn’t freaked out about me and right now, I don’t want to think about it. Me can no brain about that right now... and it wasn’t helping that the Crusaders and Pinkie were just trying to make me brush it off. Couldn’t they see that it was something that was causing me actual pain?
Oy. Speaking of pain: there seems to be a sharp stabbing in my throat. Coughing, I’m welcomed by the familiar sensation of being pulled out of the dark, inky, muddled soup that could be called my thoughts -- and I become increasingly aware of my surroundings.
Blinking and pushing myself to look around, I feel my senses reeling at what the environment is throwing at me. Unfamiliar sounds are causing my ears to involuntarily jutt sharply back. A whiteness permeates everything, making me cringe and whimper as it stabs my optic nerves. There’s even a terrible light metallic taste in my mouth and a dry astringent smell assaulting my nose.
“H.B.?” Instantly, I recognize Fluttershy’s soft voice echoing through all the static. “Are you alright?” A hoof touches my shoulder, and despite the fact that I know whose it is, I can’t help but cringe at the sensation.
“Fluttershy...?” I narrow my eyes to block out most of the light around me.
“Oh! I didn’t hurt you, did I? I’m so sorry!” Fluttershy’s voice weaves past the noise that I can finally tell isn’t just random chatter -- or my ears ringing. The more I listen, the more it sounds like the cacophonous sounds of voices calling out for doctors, nurses and the ringing of a bell that might be a phone. Do they have phones in Equestria?
“It’s ok,” I assert, attempting to pull myself together. “I’m fin-” Before I can finish my sentence, a hard wheezing cough attempts to eject another ball of mucus and phlegm out of my throat, before it can attempt to try to find a home in my lungs. Beside me, I can hear Fluttershy whimper at my predicament. “Like I was saying... I’m fine... Where are we?”
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“Please don’t be mad,” Fluttershy whimpered, as she looked at Heartbreak with large expressive eyes. “But, after you passed out, I took you to Ponyville General Hospital as quickly as I could...”
“Fluttershy...” Heartbreak groaned and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I don’t need to be here... I’m fine.” she said, obviously fighting a cough that wanted to wheeze its way into the conversation.
She’s still insisting that she doesn’t need to see a doctor! Maybe I should just take her ho- The pony steeled herself. No, Fluttershy! She needs more treatment than you can provide for her!
“Well-” Fluttershy bit her lip and fought to push herself forward. “I did what I thought was best for you... at the time... I’m sorry.” She quickly squeaked out.
“It’s fine...” Heartbreak grumbled, before clearing her throat again. “How did we even get here? No offense, but you aren’t the strongest pony...”
“I-” Fluttershy, once again, uneasily bit her lip. “-borrowed your bicycle,” she confessed. “Rarity said that you wanted to get it painted first but I really needed to get you to the hospital! I really hope you aren’t mad with me, oh please don’t be mad at me...”
Heartbreak groaned and rolled her eyes before flopping her head atop her hooves. “I can’t be mad at you, Fluttershy...” She moaned. “I’m too sick to be mad at you.” She sniffed and then shook her head. “Ugh! What the fet is up with this sharp pain in my nose?”
“While you were out, a doctor came by and I explained what happened,” Fluttershy explained, rubbing her hooves together with concern. “He gently took a quick swab of your nose and a small blood sample-”
“He what?” Heartbreak asked, sniffing as hard as she could to keep her nose from running.
“It was just a small needle prick to your ear…” Fluttershy explained, trying to be careful with her words. “and said that he would be right back after a few tests.”
“What?!” Heartbreak exclaimed before rubbing her ear.
“He-” Fluttershy began.
“I heard what you said,” Heartbreak interrupted gruffly, while looking at her hoof. “But he took samples while I was still out of it?” She swallowed and then cleared her throat. “That doesn’t seem too professional...” She sniffed and rubbed her nose. “I don’t think he was gentle enough...” Blinking, a moment of clarity struck her. “Not that I’m complaining, but why am I not in a hospital bed?”
“That would be be due to an accident occurring with the local Ponyville bleachers breaking down,” a foreign mare’s voice interjected into the conversation. A clipboard was suddenly shoved in Heartbreak’s face. “There were a great number of injuries and accidents to be attended to, and we’re horribly overcrowded.”
Straining to her left, Heartbreak’s eyes groggily met with the almost amber-yellow eyes of a light gray mare with a messy black-blue mane. As she held the clipboard with an awkward hoof grasp, she gave it a shake and a wide, passive-aggressive, impatient smile.
“Nurse...” Heartbreak narrowed her glare at the pony’s name tag. “Goodfilly?” She shook her head and blinked a few times to clear her vision. “Yes, Nurse Goodfilly, do you really expect me-eee-” Suddenly, a catch in her throat caused her words to be cut off mid-question.
“Excuse me, Nurse Goodfilly?” Fluttershy cautiously raised a hoof. “I can take care of that... If you don’t mind.’
“Oh, Fluttershy! I hardly noticed you, what with how quiet you were! Marshmallow didn’t say that it was you that brought our newest patient in!” The nurse let loose a more genuine smile, and passed a hoof through her mane in an attempt to adjust it before passing the clipboard off to the pastel pony. “Why, not at all!” She turned to Heartbreak. “And while she’s filling out that paperwork, the doctor is ready to see miss...?
“... Heartbreak,” The sickened mare muttered, after realizing that there was a prompt for her name. “No ‘miss’, please. Just ‘Heartbreak,’ or H-”
“Heartbreak!” Nurse Goodfilly interrupted with a bit more cheerfully than she had to. “Right, can’t keep the doctor waiting, so come along!”
“I’m sure he won’t extend the same kindness...” Heartbreak grumbled and pushed herself off the comfortable waiting bench.
“Now, now,” Nurse Goodfilly cooed, leading the ill pony to the doctors room. “Turn that frown upside-down! Studies show that having a positive attitude can help speed up your recovery!”
“Oh... goodie-goodie-gumdrops,” she muttered sarcastically. “Why do I have this suspicion that you’re only saying that because you’re going to stick me with needles...”
“You have nothing to worry about,” the nurse chuckled, turning back to Heartbreak with a rather wicked glint sparkling in her eye. “Our needles are the most gentle thing since the cauterizing iron...”
Heartbreak whimpered and felt a quiver of fear flutter through her groggy state. She didn’t know if this was hospital humor or if the nurse was serious. However, in an attempt to conserve energy and mental strain, she assumed the former and continued to follow Nurse Goodfilly.
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I feel unnerved leaving the comfort of Fluttershy’s side so quickly. Or as quickly as I can force these stupid legs of mine to move.
Every muscle cries out in the same tired voice that I have been using to express my disdain for being brought to this place. I’m not upset with Fluttershy for bringing me here, but the doctors and nurses have, thus far are leaving a poor first impression. I mean seriously! Poking up my nose when I am barely responsive? Taking a blood sample? Not to mention this ‘Nurse Goodfilly’ character. Making jokes about cauterizing irons?!
Calm down, H.B., I tell myself. She doesn’t know about your... special case. And besides, with as much energy as you have right now? You don’t have it in you to work yourself up over horrible bedside manners.
Groggily, I check my surroundings as Nurse ‘Goodfilly’ walks me into the medical examination room. It’s your standard medical clean room, equipped with small jars of cotton swabs, tongue depressors, posters describing pony anatomical structures, cupboards containing who-knows-what, an empty looking sickbed and - of course - an uncomfortable looking examination table with the crinkly white paper that looks like it would be more at home in a butcher's’ shop, rather than a doctor’s waiting room.
Goodfilly pats the examination table and gives me an all-too-warm smile. “Please take a seat.” I sigh and grumble as I push myself up onto the table as requested. “Thank you, now excuse me, the doctor will be with you shortly!”
Now comes the waiting game, I mutter to myself while rubbing my face. As I do so, the paper beneath me crinkles. Ugh, I hate how this paper does that with just the slightest provocation.
I attempt to find a position that is more comfortable in my current state. I don’t like the ‘pillow cat’ pose. The one that has my forelegs and back legs tucked under me just feels too... vulnerable. ‘Resting cat’ with my forelegs crossed and resting over the ledge of the table and my back legs resting over each other is nice, but takes up so much space!
Come on, H.B. Ally-oop! I push myself to a position where I have my back legs dangling over the table’s ledge. When all else fails, do the Lyra pose. Just then, my ear catches the sound of a rapping on the door frame.
“Knock-knock!” A white faced, blue-eyed unicorn stallions’ face leans through the doorway. Uh-oh, his muzzle is covered with one of those white face masks. Great, I must be in the ‘contagious’ stage of my illness. Either that or he’s just being cautious. “Miss Heartbreak, I presume?”
“H.B.,” As I correct him, he looks up momentarily, his eyes still lingering on the charts and documents. “I like to be called ‘H.B.’ and no ‘miss’ please.” Fetting fet, is this such a stupid request? It’s like the moment these ponies hear my name, nothing else sticks unless I pound it into their thick skulls! What do I have to do, carry a business card?!
“Alright... H.B.,” He replies awkwardly, passing his hoof through a stripe of white going through his brown mane. Minus the glasses that somehow balance on the bridge of his muzzle, he would remind me of an older Reed Richards from the Fantastic Four. “I’m glad to see that you are back in the land of the living!”
“I guess you could call it that...” I muster out clearing my throat, only to have to raise my hoof in order to cover my mouth as a coughing fit hits me.
“That cough of yours is sounding pretty good!” Great, I get the socially inept doctor that is sure to make bad jokes. He turns to his left and nods before entering the room. Hearing the squeaking of metal wheels I see that Nurse Goodfilly is in tow with a portable metal table. Upon which are several specialized and rather sharp looking instruments that I’m not quite making out due to a bit of momentarily blurred vision.
“I’ve been told that she’s been working on it all night!” Goodfilly interjects. Oh, ha-ha. You’re quite the comical act, you... you... Fet, words are escaping me right now. The doctor laughs at the nurse and turns to me, most likely expecting that I’ll just laugh along. Seeing that I am far from amused, he swallows and taps on the clipboard.
“Right, perhaps I should introduce myself. I’m Doctor Marshmallow Triage, and well, I’m going to be your, well, Doctor.” He stammers out adjusting the red tie that I just noticed he was wearing. Nurse Goodfilly facehoofs and nudges him to the clipboard. “Oh yes! So, I have some good news, some interesting news and some strange news. But before I get to all that, I would like to give you a light check over.” He says picking up one of those ear examining tools that all doctors seem to have. “Could you please turn your head to the side?”
“Fine...” The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can go home and hide under a blanket. A nice, warm, snuggly blanket. Then again, maybe I should take the lighter blanket. It is July and the warm weather is about to hit harder.
The odd cold sensation of that little black tip entering my ear is accompanied by the icy bite of... fet, what’s it called? Uhm... Doctor’s instruments... Doctor Mario, lost the hat, got a lab coat- Stethoscope! Yeah, that thing. Can’t they ever be warm? Can’t they be preheated to standard body-
“Alright, deep breath... And now the other one, please turn your head to the left...” He says switching out tips. Turning my head, I can feel him tug on my ear. “Mind swiveling your ear?”
“I can’t control them. It’s genetic...” I wheeze out.
“Hmph... Is that so?” He asks gruffly as my mane gets in my face. Fetting fet, I didn’t leave the house with a hat. Then again, my green hat is starting to take a faint smell to it. I should ask Rarity about the proper way to wash a hat. “Where abouts are you from?”
“Mineighsota,” Great, he wants to make ‘doctor small talk.’
“Oh? I’ve only heard about that place from a few patients of mine,” Great, my made up place that was made real has made it into the local word talky- uhm...vernacular. “What’s it like up there?”
“Cold. Very cold...” I state shuddering at the metal part touching the middle of my back. Fet, you’d think that even a thin layer of fur would be enough to ins...insulate! Fetting fet, fet. My clarity and... cohesion are starting to escape me. And this doctor asking me questions? Not helping.
“So!” He pats around my back with that stupid metal thing. “I think that you’re living in the old’ Miller residence! It’s about time that place got bought! I knew the last resident that lived there. Old Stud Stonehoof. Deep breath please.”
... Right, some of the translations from human-to-equestrian just don’t work. I can’t say nag cause it’s a bad word, but ‘stud’ is the equivalent of ‘man’?
“What happened to him?” I ask, fighting off another coughing fit.
“Oh... He’s-” Marshmallow rolls his hoof. “-long since past. He had a son, but he kinda set out into the world and never came back.”
“So that’s why the house was full of stuff...” I blink and a thought occurs to me. Why the hell is him checking my heart and breathing taking so long. “No offense, but what the fet does this conversation have to do with anything?”
“Not, a thing actually,” Doctor Marshmallow replies. “The point of it was more or less to distract you from the shot!”
“Wait... What?” Suddenly, there is a sharp, cold, gripping sensation originating from my posterior. I quickly turn to react to whomever it is that is stabbing my butt, only to find the needle retracting and the all too warm smile of Nurse Goodfilly.
“All done!” I feel a hoof smack the injection site. In turn, my head makes a sharp turn to look at the owner of said hoof. Nurse Goodfilly gives an unnerved smile and a giggle, but pulls away and backs towards the door. “Right then, if you need me for anything more? I’ll be at the front desk.” Obviously she can see me glaring daggers at her face.
“Hmm? Oh right, yes, I’ll call you if I need you,” Marshmallow starts looking over more of the paperwork that he has hidden away on that clipboard of his.
I take a deep sigh. “So, can this be the part where you tell me that all I need is hot soup and more bedrest, preferably in my own bed?”
“Well...” Uh-oh... There’s a pregnant pause in that. I don’t like pregnated pauses. Those are the worst pauses. Those pauses give birth to the worst kind of litters.
“Well?” I ask wearly.
“There is one thing that is worrying me about these preliminary results from the samples we took while you were out, Miss Heartbreak,” he begins.
“H.B.” I correct him, frowning and trying to regain focus.
“I beg your pardon?” He asks, peering over his clipboard.
“I don’t like being called ‘miss’ or ‘Heartbreak’,” I explain, covering my mouth in an attempt to keep a cough from escaping. “Please call me ‘H.B.’”
I don’t know why I just don’t tell them that every time I meet a new stupidly named magical talking equine. I bet it’s because of the name thing. I can’t shake the stupid thing. Maybe I should... Wait... Didn’t I just have this thought? Ugh, I’m just feeling so out of it.
“Oh, right. Sorry,” he says, quirking an eyebrow and returning to the papers on his clipboard. “Alrighty, then, among all the infections you are currently suffering from, there is an odd anomaly.”
“It wouldn’t be the hole in my hoof would it?” Ffffet, I just want to go back to my house!
“Actually... No. Out of all the things that you do have that are making you sick. That’s the one that is surprisingly not infected!” He replies. “This odd little anomaly isn’t making you sick per se, but it does give me a bit of cause for concern...”
“And this thing would be...?”
“Well...” He pauses and stares intensely at the clipboard. Gawds, it’s like he wants to make out with the stupid thing. Like one of those horribly over-dramatic hospital dramas. Every stupid thing has to be heightened to the pinnacle of being the worst thing ever. “It would appear that your hormones are a bit out of sync for a mare of your age. Your levels of testosterone are slightly elevated.”
A cold rush goes through my mind as I try to process what he just said.
“I need to ask you a rather... intimate question. Have you copulated recently?”