Through the Eyes of a Stranger
It was just another Friday night, and I was lonely. As much as all the local ponies all seem friendly, a creepy traveling woodspony never attracts good attention. It may have been the cloak, or possibly the strange glances I keep on giving them, but either way, they eventually gave me a wide birth. It’s not my fault my face is this way; it’s just how I was born! Who said fish lips weren’t attractive? They shall call me, ‘The Devilish Shadow!’
I decided against a simple night of TV and pizza, and thought it would be a good idea to hit up the local bar instead. Celestia knows what inspired me to do this, but I blame my shitty mini-fridge back in the hotel. I began thinking about the totally ‘rad’ night I had planned ahead. Torching chariots and bricking shop windows! Might even be able to pick up some mares this evening! Well, at the very least, a similarly lonely, very randy stallion knowing my luck.
… … …
Haha! Who am I kidding!? Creepy cloak; check. Premature baldness; check. Array of sharp implements dangling from my belt; check. Oh yeah, I’m lover boy alright! The mares will drop for me! Well, run and scream, but same difference. ‘The Midnight Seducer’, they shall call me.
I suppose I should finally see what the locals of Ponyville pass off as ‘drink’. I’m not hopeful to be honest, the last town I passed through thought it appropriate to mix something up which appeared to be made from a combination of dirt and feces. Mmmmm, my favourite, and as much as I like swill, I’ll pass, no thanks.
And so, I eventually found myself at the bar; ‘The Sleeping Stallion’. It sounds nice enough I suppose, who doesn’t like sedate stallions? I found myself triumphantly strolling through the door, head held high, only to be greeted by… Nopony. What was I expecting, really? Well, no matter, I’m still feeling triumphant, or at least somewhat triumphant. Yes, I am at least 97% as triumphant as before.
The bar was fairly desolate, which was what I was used to. Travelling on the road often presented a lot of empty bars. And bandits… Lots of bandits. Now, I consider myself a stallion, and yet no matter how attractive a female bandit is, they still scare the living shit out of me… Lucky for me, I am fairly adept at soiling myself and running, it’s what keeps me alive, and that works for me. My bit purse isn’t too fond of all the new clothes expenditures though, and I believe it mocks me from my saddle bag. I shall be known across the land as, ‘The Living Coward!’
Anyway, the bar, right… I walked over to the counter and eyed up the mare working behind it. She was a coconut colour, and fairly attractive. Unfortunately, it appears she’s taken by another, as the bracelet on her foreleg indicates. Am I still willing to…? No, that would be wrong… But… She is hot, no ‘morally wrong’ or ‘socially undesirable’ aspects to saying that.
I order a drink from her, and take as seat by the fireplace to the right of the bar front, to continue my lecherous activities. I begin to ponder the more meaningful things about life, for example; how long can you borrow something before it becomes stealing? If you eat yourself, do you become twice as big, or disappear entirely? And, why is it called ‘taking a dump’, and not ‘leaving a dump’? After a stint like this, they shall call me, ‘The Phantom Philosopher!’
I continue my purposeful musings, when a cyan pony enters the bar, looking tired and thoroughly worn out. She trots up to the bar and speaks to my coconut coloured friend. What, she gave me a drink? We’re totally BFF’s now. The fact that I had to pay for it doesn’t count.
The new mare was something. I mean, how often do you see a pony with a Rainbow coloured mane? I bet that’s dyed, that, or her parents were doing some really sinister stuff while she was in the womb. Well, she seems nice enough, and has a real tidy flank on her too. I could just bite into that… ‘Coconut’ dear, it’s nothing personal, we just weren’t right for each other. Still friends though, right?
I observed, as the new pony sat down and rested her head on her hooves. Time for some more pony watching. Sipping at her drink, she sighs. I can briefly overhear her repeating the word;
“Why…”
Now, as you can tell, I’m not one to pry, but I can’t help but ponder the meaning behind these words. ‘Why’ is quite subjective you see… I’m about to dive into another totally philosophical thought process when the cyan pony cries out again. It seems the ‘swill’ here has some kick to it. It’s amazing what dirt can do.
“Just because I don’t wear makeup or go shoe shopping…”
She shook her hoof and struck the bar.
“That one time in college was only experimental! I didn’t know what I was doing! Damn Gilda…”
Oooh~ So she’s one of them, a filly-fooler! It sounds like she could be converted over to our side with a relatively swift, one-time internal application of penis. And I believe I am the stallion to do this job.
After her outburst, she had drawn a fair bit of attention from the other patrons of the bar, and made my night a whole lot better. Something tells me she’s psychic though, as for every inappropriate thought I have, she glares at me. That’s ok though, those eyes… Oh! And there’s the glare again! I think she likes me. Like I said ‘Coconut’, it’s nothing personal.
My night is made even better when I see our little mare approached by another; a lilac coated pegasi mare with a fairly unique ice-blue and white mane. Totally hipster. She has the sun obscured by a cloud as her cutie mark. That reminds me of a poem I once knew. I took a breath, ready to sing to myself, when my breath was stolen, taken away by what the lilac mare did next. She placed her hoof around my cyan mare’s neck and started sweet talking her.
Back off! She’s MINE. Well, she doesn’t know it yet, but she will be. I’ll have my smooth moves polished off spick ‘n span by the end of the night. S’all good. I’ve got these babies tucked up my sleeve; “Hey babe, is that a ‘twitcha tail’, or are you just happy to see me?” And other such greats as; “Babe, there’s a party in my pants and you’re invited~” Which to be honest, seems a little silly now, considering I don’t wear pants… Maybe I should invest… Haha, I just thought of a new one; “Hey babe, there are only 6 males in this village. Have sex with me.” Naah, that’s just un-classy…
To my surprise, a swift kick, and the new mare is flung off my cyan sweetie, as she cries out;
“I am NOT a filly fooler!”
Ahh, playing hard to get, I like that. But with the way things were going there, I was sure she’d be leaving with Ms Lilac. I mean, I was almost compelled into going out with her. Asking if somepony ‘makes cupcakes, because they sure are sweet’, now that’s just pure genius! And now, if anypony wonders where I got it from, I can tell them I picked up a mare in The Sleeping Stallion with it. It’s mine now, and nopony will know otherwise… ‘The Chivalrous Chat-Up’, they shall call me.
And so my night continued, and despite my cyan belles declaration; she seemed like filly fodder. One after another they approached; it was like a sea of mares! I just wish I was the one bathing in it… And just as equally as they came, she cut them down, I like that; she’s saving herself for me. What a faithful girl.
After the hilariously steady influx and then outflow of mares, ‘rainbow mane’ was looking pretty beat. Time to make my move! I mean, being the true gentlecolt that I am, I feel it’s appropriate to let the competition have a go, before I come in and let out the big dogs. There is NOTHING wrong with waiting for a mare to tire herself out, before swinging in like some sort of spectre and stealing her away. Yeah, that’s the dignified way to do things. I can see it now, ‘The Gallant Gentlecolt!’ My name will be in the papers!
Before I can make my move though, some broad decides to give it one last crack, and walks up to my mare, offering to buy her a drink. Ahh, going the ‘buy them off’ route I see, touché fair mare, touché. The glare coming off my mare though is undeniably scary; I can see the fires in her eyes. Despite being cute, she must be one of the butch ones, a true battle-axe in the warrior field of filly-foolers! But wait, where was I?
Oh, right, the theft of my mare. Well, it sure would be ungentlecoltly to interrupt now, so I guess I’ll wait. The mares like the strong silent ones. And I am one of those things.
I watch expectantly, as my cyan mare’s rage explodes. I swear to Luna that I can see Nightmare Moon in her eyes. She turned to the pony next to her, and through drunken bleary eyes, screams right in her face;
“For the last Celestia damn time, I am NOT a filly fooler! Now move, unless you want your flank kicked!”
The challenger whom had approached, seemed undeterred by this ferocious display, and believes her target is acting coy. I know better though, me and Ms Cyan have been together for a long time now, and know each other inside out. I can tell she’s pissed off, she would never say it though. She’s sweet like that.
I turn back, just as I hear an, “Ooofff!” - Just in time to see the challenger limping away rubbing her flank. You show ‘em girl! No one can stand between our love! … Wow, there’s that glare again, only, this time, it’s more intense…
Once again, the bar is quiet, the numerous males have left, and not even propositioned me, (it must be that they fear my insane levels of masculinity), and the females hitting on my melancholy beauty, have realised the futility of the venture, and given up also, retreating back out of the door with glum looks on their faces.
Now, it’s just me, ‘Cyan’ and ‘Coconut’. Life is good. Time to make- Oh, no… That… That better not be what I think it is… ‘Coconut’, no! I-I thought we shared something! We were BFF’s, and now you hit on my mare! Remember that you loved me once! Nothing. Great, betrayed by those I thought I could trust… I’ll be demoted to something dreary like, ‘The Abused Anon’, doomed to walk the earth a shell of his former self.
As I watched the unfortunate events unfold, I was once again treated to that wonderfully nervous ‘I think I’m gonna puke in my mouth sensation’, as I watched ‘Coconut’ work her sexy bartender magic on my beauty; spewing off such greats as; “You know what they say about ponies with a big horn, right?” What? Now, this confuses me, seeing as ‘Coconut’ is a mare and all… Not as much as the fact that she is also an earth pony, but whatever… That is, until she walks around the bar and stands by the door, shouting for me to get out of the bar.
Seems like I may have made a little mistake somewhere… I glance over ‘Coconut’ once more and notice where I went wrong, for ‘she’ is actually a ‘he’… Well, I’d still tap it, but… I don’t even want to think of the associated names they will then call me!
As I sadly trudge towards the door, I contemplate what has just happened; the fleeting feeling of love, the fickle nature of the heart, and how even those you think love you the most can betray you and stab you in the back… Oh, and how the drink here is overpriced.
I turn back one last time, standing in the doorway, and look over my two lost loves. We didn’t spend that much time together, but I really felt like we had a bond, even if only for a short time. Without even giving me a glance, I leave the mare and her… ‘Stallimare’ to it, and walk off into the cold, dark night.
You know what? I think that mare was straight after all.