//------------------------------// // Ponies are everywhere these days. // Story: Rainbow is a Roommate // by A Random Guy //------------------------------// I hate traffic. How is that interesting? Any human, or pony for that matter, hates being stuck in a tiny metal can randomly doing the stop-and-go dance with a clear view of miles of other metal cans randomly doing the same stop-and-go dance. You’re going forward, and lurch to a stop. Yay, the traffic is moving! Forward, lurch to stop. Forwa-stop. Driver or passenger, you’re in for a crappy time once you enter the belly of the gridlock. At least misery enjoys company. On these long journeys across the state roadways, I usually have the pleasure of carpooling with my good friend, Rachel. “They’re talking about another species migrating here. It’s the griffons this time.” Rachel, for the record, is a fellow human. You have to make the distinction these days, especially with creatures like griffons making their homes here. “I swear they got a copy of a D&D rule book and are just tossing out creatures as they flip through the pages.” I nod as I eased the break enough to inch forward. “I’m a fan of the idea that they just google ‘mythical creature’ and release what comes up.” Rachel’s fingers tapped away at her phone. “Googling ‘mythical creature’ brings up a griffon, another griffon thing, and then a unicorn. Griffons would’ve come first if your theory is a thing.” Freaking passengers. At least she has a phone to play with in this traffic. The car lurched to a stop as I tapped the break. “Maybe they threw darts at the screen and chose whatever the dart landed on.” Rachel shrugged. She had her phone, the perfect conversation exit device. Just stare at it long enough and it gets the message across. Bit rude, since she started up the conversation in the first place. Me, all I had was a view of the back of the sedan in front of me, a sky with a few pegasi flying about, and a radio tuned in to NPR. “…State lawmakers are still unsure of how to regulate magic.” I heard this bit already in the morning, but all the other stations are crap so NPR it is. “The process is made even more complicated by how unexpected magical abilities seem to appear daily. Just last month, a pegasus broke the sound barrier and created a rainbow within a sonic boom. As impressive as the sight was, citizens complained when she did it over the streets of Boston.” Oh right, the Sonic Rainboom incident. I forgot about that. The subpoena for that popped in the mailbox last week. Rainbow’s going to want that when she gets back from her trip. She owes, what, five thousand dollars for broken windows? Something like that. “On Tuesday, human Republican Senator Scott Harvey demanded all magic to be banned, ‘Magic is a unknown and dangerous weapon that will be used against us.’ Harvey is one of the more level-headed voices among the”- Yeah, I can’t stand news stories I heard already. With a flip of the dial, the radio fell onto a classic rock station. “Every breath you take…” Sure, why not? There aren’t as many songs these days that have a nostalgic feel to them. “Every move you make…” This one’s a good all-rounder, perfect for every occasion. “Every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you.” Alright, if you actually listen to the lyrics, this one isn’t good for a first date, or a wedding… or a funeral. Does it matter? I’m driving, I’m in traffic, I like the tune, so the Police can sing about chopping me up and serving me on a platter for all I care. The whole pony-human integration thing is all well and good, but there are a few things that tick me off about the ponies. They remind me I don’t have wings, for instance. Ponies gave us magic, we gave them technology. That technology includes phones with GPS built into them, which a pegasus these days wouldn’t be caught dead without one. Downside is our current GPS apps don’t take into account flight and lead pegasi to fly along the roads. As a result, you always see pegasi flying over traffic, including the traffic I’m stuck in. Just look at that pink one. He’s staring at his phone while I’m staring at him. He can go wherever he wants but he’s up above, taunting all the drivers down here that he can fly and we can’t. I’m burning a quarter tank of gas and he’s burning a few calories. In an attempt to distract myself, I glanced over to my left to see what the other driver was doing. There’s a purple unicorn at the wheel, not a unique sight these days. He’s staring at the pegasi, too, wishing he could fly out of here as well. News flash buckaroo, you’re a unicorn. I’ve seen you guys teleport and do all kinds of crazy crap. I looked back at the pink pegasus just in time to see him slip up. The colt was too trapped in his phone that he didn’t see the back of the semi trailer. Imagine a person tripping on a ledge and doing a summersault, but in the air. If you can imagine that, then you can imagine what it looked like to see a pink pegasus tumble onto the back of a truck. The poor guy did a face-plant on the roof. I’ll admit, I laughed more than I should, but I wasn't alone. The unicorn driver laughed too. Did it make the traffic easier to deal with? No. In fact, I think it made it a tad worse. His phone flew through the air and cracked someone’s windshield. Late night news will report the death of one cell phone in vehicular manslaughter. Speaking of phones, my laughing made Rachel looked up from hers. “Did something happen?” Too late for her .The pegasus already got up and flew away unscathed. “I caught the driver next to us picking his nose” Yeah, I lied. I do that. Rachel knows I do. She may have believed me if the unicorn wasn’t cracking up still. In my defense, speaking of the moment would ruin it. I needed a white lie. Rachel looked off at another direction on the road. “How much further do we have?” Lift the brake, drift forward, press the break to a stop. “About four exits.” “Great, and my phone died.” Isn’t that a tragedy. She pocketed her phone and leaned the seat back to its fullest extent. “Do you know what movies are out right now? There’s got to be something good this weekend.” “There’s nothing I really want to see.” Lift brake, press brake. Who needs the gas pedal? “I think there’s a Nicolas Sparks novel thing coming out, but those movies got old the first three times I saw them.” “I think I’ll go see that one. I’m in the mood for a good romance.” “Go right on ahead. I got a book to finish up this weekend.” I can see it now, Jennifer Government, sitting on my dresser, fully read and completed. I don’t know why that’s an accomplishment. It’s not a long book. “If your roommate wants, she can come see it with me. It’d be fun, a cross-species bonding night.” Lift, press, lift, press. “She’s on a trip, so don’t count on it. Even if she was here, she’d be too ‘awesome’ for a romance.” “I thought you said the Notebook made her cry.” “Yeah, when she thought I wasn’t home. For the record, you don’t want her watching it with you. She bottles up her emotions so much she wails when she cries. You wouldn’t hear a thing over that”- Thud Rachel squealed in surprise. “What the hell!” The car rocked forward. We both jumped up when our seats kicked us up. The body of a pony blocked my view of the road. Blue coat, rainbow mane, no mistaking who it was. How in the hell she managed to find me, I have no clue. “Speak of the freaking devil.” Her hoof tapped on the windshield as she tried to say something I couldn’t hear. “I hope my hood isn’t busted.” Her voice flittered through the car as I rolled down the window. “Maddie! Maddie! Open the trunk! I need something from the trunk!” I yelled out the window. “What!” “Trunk, I need the trunk! Open it up now, it’s urgent.” She never looked this panicked when talking to me before. “Fate of the world and all that jazz, Equestria needs me!” I heard the first honk behind me. The cars next to me were moving, but this pegasus kept me in place. “Can’t you wait for whatever you need till I get home? I’m stuck in traffic!” “You’re in gridlock, not going 80 in a 65 lane.” She slid off the car hood and trotted past my window. “Though I still could catch up to you if you were speeding. Trunk, now, need it.” “What the hell do you need? And why is it in my trunk? You don’t even drive!” Her wings were flapping crazy. “No time, I’ll explain later!” I snapped my head around when I felt Rachel tap my shoulder. Judging from how she jumped back, I may have looked angrier than I intended to. “Hey, if your roommate needs something from your trunk, could I go back to get my phone charger?” Cars were swerving around me now. There was a stretch of empty road in front of me that other cars were fighting over. Honks and beeps went all over the place. I think an earth pony flipped me the bird. I leaned down and flipped a lever, popping the trunk. “Make it quick.” Rainbow zipped behind the car while Rachel threw open the door and ran out. “Careful with my door! You almost hit another car!” Why do I drive? Why can’t I be a pegasus and fly around and not deal with other pegasi opening my trunk? Well, if they were colt pegasi, it may be an issue. All of the sudden, the honking behind me stopped. Cars began to swerve away from me, giving a couple yards of distance. The trunk slammed, then Rachel popped back into my car, pulling the door shut behind her. “Are you allowed to have all that stuff in your trunk?” “What stuff? My trunk is empty, I have no idea”- My head snapped around when I heard a tap on the window. Rainbow Dash looked at me with a big “thank-you” smile on her face, and an M-16 clenched in her hooves. “Thanks Maddie, I owe you one!” She zipped away into the sky before my dumbstruck brain could yell at her. “Did she… She put an assault rifle in my car?!” A distant Sonic Rainboom answered me. The rainbow shockwave rolled over the car moments later. “What the hell?!” “I’m guessing you never saw the arsenal in your trunk?” No, duh. Damn it, Rachel, who the hell agrees to keep an arsenal in their… wait, arsenal? My hands were about to tear up the rubber on my steering wheel. I nearly rear-ended the guy in front of me. “Did you say arsenal?” “Y-yes.” She made the wise decision to not pull out her phone as a conversation exit. Good girl.