//------------------------------// // World's Best Daughter // Story: The Merc With the Moth // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// Deadpool awoke almost instantly as the first rays of the sun struck his face. "That's weird," he said to himself as he sat up. "I don't normally wake up that quickly." "Unless we have something important to do during the day," Crazy pointed out. "Do we have something important to do?" "Hmm..." Stuffy mused. "All I'm getting is something about a fez..." "Oh yeah!" Deadpool said happily, reaching over to the brand new hat rack and taking his new fez down. "Chrysi got this for me! What a wonderful Father's Day present..." His voice trailed off. A lightbulb appeared over his head, which he quickly unscrewed so the light wouldn't disturb Chrysalis' slumber. "Her birthday's coming up! I need to get her a present as awesome as the fez she got me!" "...how do we even know when her birthday is?" Stuffy asked in confusion. "Because the story demands it, duh!" Crazy countered. "We couldn't very well have a chapter about getting her an awesome birthday present if we didn't know when her birthday was." "...that doesn't even begin to make sense." "Oh! Getting John De Lancie to sing Happy Birthday at her party would be an awesome treat!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Good thinking Stuffy! Still need an awesome present, though." Stuffy groaned in resigned frustration. "Why do I put up with you two?" "Because you know what happens without you two," Stuffalis murmured as Chrysalis turned over in her sleep. All three Deadpools shuddered. "Right. And that's also the reason we don't leave Wade to his own devices." "Let's not talk about that." "Agreed," Deadpool confirmed. Leaning over, he kissed Chrysalis on her forehead before tucking her blanket up around her chin. "You sleep tight, Chrysi," he whispered. "I'll be back just as soon as I've gotten the world's best birthday present for the world's best daughter." "Title drop!" "Shush, you'll wake her." "Sorry." With a smile, Deadpool walked out into the main room of the apartment. Since the eldritch abomination Chrysalis had accidentally helped summon had eaten the Xavier Institute, Uncle Fuzzy was crashing here, and was laid back on the couch flipping channels. "Heading out to get Chrysalis a birthday present!" Deadpool told him excitedly. Uncle Fuzzy nodded. "Already got her mine," he said, patting a wrapped box at his feet. "How did you know when her birthday was?" Deadpool demanded. "I had to use my fourth wall breaking powers to find out!" "Her Mom's Death," Uncle Fuzzy replied. "I asked Chrysi to ask her Mom when her birthday was. Death knows the exact length of everyone's lifetimes, after all." "...that is...a very logical approach." "Which explains why we didn't think of it!" "So what'd you get her?" Deadpool asked. "Don't wanna dupe it, ya know?" Uncle Fuzzy smirked. "A hand sewn Deadpool onesie, complete with mask/hood." "Oh, she's going to love those!" "How am I going to top that?" Deadpool demanded. "You'll think of something," Uncle Fuzzy confirmed. "I shall!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Only the best for my little angel! And since I'm going to be snobbish..." He quickly donned the fez, the monocle, and the fake mustache. "I shall look the part!" With that, he leapt out the window. Uncle Fuzzy rolled his eyes, turning back to the TV and continuing to flip channels. Deadpool's first stop was a jewelry store. "Girls love jewelry!" Deadpool said confidently. "It's a universal fact! I'll get her the perfect gemstone and metal accouterments and she will be overjoyed as it will surely be the best present imaginable!" "Don't you think she's a little young for jewelry?" "No." Deadpool walked right up to the counter. "I'm looking for a gift for my daughter," he told the cute girl behind the counter. "She's a reverse-aged Changeling Queen from another dimension that closely resembles the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, somewhere between five and ten years old physically, and I want the best possible present I can get for her!" He noticed the clerk staring wide eyed. "Well, come on, make it snappy!" When she continued to not respond, he snapped his fingers in front of her eyes. "Geeze, you'd think she'd never seen a costumed super wearing a fez, monocle, and fake mustache trying to buy a present for a Changeling Queen nymph." "While all odds point to the fact she probably hasn't...I don't think it's you she's staring at." "What could possibly be more interesting than me?" Deadpool demanded. "Maybe the band of thugs armed with sub-machine guns who just came in and are currently robbing the place?" One of the thugs put his gun against Deadpool's back. "Gimme all your money-" "Nope!" Deadpool countered as he spun, drawing his sword and swinging it through the thug's neck in the same motion. "DecapitaTION!" Crazy called out. "Explain that away as a big boo-boo, Author!" Deadpool cackled. "Who's next?" Ten minutes later, the entire jewelry store was smashed to pieces, the whole place was covered with blood, and Deadpool still didn't have a present for Chrysalis. "Aw man!" Not only that, somehow no one had died- "But I decapitated that guy!" -not even the mutant Deadpool had decapitated, whose unique mutation had earned him the nickname amongst his fellows as 'Buggy the Clown'. "What...oooh! I get it!" Deadpool had eventually been forced to subdue the mutant by kicking him in the nuts...repeatedly. "That's just how I roll!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "Now, time to try another store!" "Clothes!" Deadpool proclaimed as he headed for the local fashion boutique. "Girls love clothing!" "And you think human clothing will fit on Chrysalis?" "No." "Clothing!" Deadpool proclaimed again as he turned to the pet store right next to the boutique. "Girls love clothing! It's a universal-" A massive black tentacle reached down from the sky and ripped both stores from the ground, pulling them into a massive maw. "Did nobody fix that?" Deadpool demanded angrily. "Did they just think it would go away if they ignored it and pretended it didn't exist?" "Isn't that what we did?" "No." "...god dammit, Crazy..." "Gotcha to say it-ow! Stop hitting me, Stuffy!" Deadpool leapt onto the next tentacle that reached down, racing up it to a massive crimson eye. "Hey!" he proclaimed angrily. "This is my city, whoever you are! Go find somewhere else to ravage! You're getting in the way of me trying to buy a present for Chrysalis, and-" Another tentacle presented him with a box wrapped in colorful paper, tied shut with a ribbon, and tagged. The tag read: To Chrysalis From Yog-Soggoth Do not Open until The End of the Story Deadpool stared. "You...were sticking around to give her a birthday present?" A massive black tentacle rubbed an unimaginably huge stomach in satisfaction. The creature then vanished, leaving Deadpool suspended in midair. He looked down, and gravity- "Sucked my cancer inflamed nutsack!" Deadpool countered, proceeding to prance his way back down to the ground in defiance of natural and unnatural law. "How does that taste, physics?" Deadpool demanded, turning around and spanking his ass tauntingly. It was at this point he realized he still didn't have a present for Chrysalis. "Dammit!" Deadpool walked back towards the apartment, struggling to think of a gift for Chrysalis. "Shoes? Girls love shoes." "She has hooves, not feet." "...perfume?" he asked desperately. "But I like the way she smells!" "Video games?!" "We own them all already." "A cannon? Bitches love cannons!" "You think our daughter is a bitch?" "We're the son of one, so if she's our daughter, the transitive property indicates-" "That you are full of shit. Besides, she prefers to play with our cannon." "That sounded dirty..." "Shut up." Deadpool sighed as he sat down. "This is horrible..." he moaned. "How am I supposed to get her a present? She...she already has everything I could buy her...but she got me such a great present..." Looking in front of him, he visualized how adorable Chrysi looked handing him the fez. She looked so nervous, unsure if she'd gotten the right gift. He just wanted to reach out and hug her, and... Reaching out, he picked up the image of the fez and put it on the image of Chrysalis. "Dear god, that's adorable..." Taking off his monocle and fake mustache, he held them up to the image. "That's...actually rather precious. She's looking snobbish, just like her Daddy-" A lightbulb appeared over Deadpool's head, shining as bright as a miniature sun. Putting the monocle and fake mustache back on, he raced for the costume shop. The perfect present for Chrysalis would be her own fez, monocle, and fake mustache. After all, the greatest gift a father can give his little girl...is something they can do together.