"TWILIGHT!"
Twilight only had the briefest moment to blink in surprise before Rarity dived through the library door and pinned her to the ground. "Uh... what is it Rarity?"
"I need you to help me get the Blood Diamond from a business monger in Manehattan!"
"...ahahahahaha... what?"
"It's a bit of a long story, but me and the spa twins need the blood diamond to stop a griffon warlord from invading Earth. You know, the world where all the plushies came from?"
The violet unicorn pushed Rarity off of her. "Why would a griffon warlord want to invade earth?" she asked as she stood up. "And actually, how do you even know about that? And what does the Blood Diamond have to do with anything? Actually, what is it even anyway? With a name like that, it's almost guaranteed to be a dark artifact--"
"Ah, well, the long and short of it is that the warlord in question believes some ancient griffon artifact fell though a portal and ended up on Earth. He thinks if he conquers that world he'll... basically become ruler of this one. Somehow." Rarity shrugged. "I'm pretty sure he's insane, but if he does get to Earth he could cause quite a bit of trouble. Which is why I need to blood diamond to stop him."
"YOU ONLY ANSWERED ONE QUESTION!"
"I've been sworn to silence on the other three."
"GAAAAAH! Fine. Fine. Let's say all that is true. Why haven't you brought this to Celestia's attention? Or Luna?! Or Cadance, for crying out loud?!?!"
Rarity fidgeted for a moment. "Let's... just say it's better if the royalty doesn't know I know this."
"What? Why?"
"Twilight, please. Have you told Celestia every little secret you know?"
"Yes, actually."
The ivory unicorn blinked. "Ah... what about your mother?"
"What?! No!" Twilight blushed brightly. "If my mom knew everything I'd seen, I'd be ruined!"
"Exactly, and I view Celestia as, essentially, a mother to all of Equestria."
"That doesn't make sense. She just went surfing down a tidal wave of plushies." Twilight shrugged. "She does things like that. I always kinda saw her as a cool older sister."
Rarity tittered. "Yes, well, eccentricities aside, I would be quite embarrassed if Celestia were to figure out my own secrets. I hope you understand?"
"No. I don't. Even if you can't tell Celestia for some reason, there are two other princesses!"
"Cadance is living in the Crystal Empire and is therefore too far away to do anything, and Luna is busy... 'wrestling' with an alien."
"Wrestling?"
"In the carnal sense, dear."
"...What do you mean? What's carnal wrestling?"
Rarity sighed. "I forget how sheltered you were, sometimes.... sex, darling."
"Oh, I--Luna's having sex with an alien?!"
"Well, that's what the rumor mill is spouting, and even if it weren't true she'd be busy trying to handle the situation. Either way, Luna is off the table. Or perhaps on it." The fashionista tapped her chin. "I suppose as the night princess first contact would be her prerogative--"
"I am not hearing this. I'm just going to skip ahead. The royal guard, why can't you tell--"
"Tried it, they didn't believe me."
"...The local police force?"
"It's 'not their jurisdiction'."
"...Rainbow Dash?" Twilight held up a hoof. "No wait, I'm not supposed to approach or think of Rainbow Dash for five months. Or until Fluttershy says I can."
It was Rarity's turn to blink in shock. "Did... did she issue you a restraining order?"
"No, two days ago I wiped my memories of the day before, and I left myself instructions not to do that." Twilight groaned. "And on top of that, I apparently had a really important conversation with Applejack on the same day, but she won't tell me what it was! And now you come in from your vacation and say you need my help grabbing a dark artifact to stop a griffon warlord from conquering Earth. Is there anything else I'm missing?"
"Well, the changelings in the Plushie house are behind on their rent," Pinkie mused, "but I'm handling that."
"WahaHAHA!" Rarity jumped three feat into the air and landed five feet from her previous position. "Pinkie, where in the world did you come from?!"
"Well, when a stallion and a mare are really feeling up each other's bodies--"
"Wait wait wait." Twilight held up a hoof. "There are CHANGELINGS in the PLUSHIE HOUSE?!"
"They're actually not bad tenants," Pinkie explained smoothly. "They actually maintain the plushies and sometimes they'll even disguise themselves as one to give the little fillies a ride--"
"NO! Nononono, this is not good. Changelings in Ponyville! I, I need to tell Celestia--"
"She already knows," Derpy announced as she entered the room. "She's cool with it. Oh, mail for you, Twilight." Reaching into her saddlebags, she pulled out a few letters and placed them on the table. "I see you're in the middle of another one of your panic attacks, so.... I'll just be showing myself out." She turned around, only to come face to face with a frowning orange mare. "Oh, heya Applejack! Where's your brother?"
"Out on tha farm. Don't bother him, he's got plenty of work to do."
Derpy grinned. "Relax, AJ. I'm not going to distract him from his chores. After, maybe, but not during." She sidled past the mare with a shake of her tail. "Take care of Twilight, though, she seems to be close to snapping!"