//------------------------------// // Episode Six: Strange Surroundings // Story: Freemane's Mind // by nucnik //------------------------------// “Look, I said I was sorry!” The ponies looking down at me didn’t seem to understand the significance of the moment. I didn’t often say I was sorry, and I didn’t often mean it even when I said it, so I had every right to feel pretty ripped-off about the lack of appreciation. The one thing that gave pause to that idea was the circle of anger that had closed in around me. “Why would you do that?!” Spectacles could get very loud if he got angry. I could see his veins swelling up. “Releasing the Queen – what in Equestria possessed you to do that?!” Everypony did a great job imitating his scornful look and I could kind of see why - sucking up to the boss is the best way to advance if you don't have any actual skills. Of course there was the other small issue, that they were all more or less in the same position; trapped in a lavatory with a lake-full of magic holding the door shut against the outside world of the secret underground laboratory. Some of them were luckier than others, though – they had bandages. And to think that everything was going so well. 20 minutes earlier “Are you sure you’ll be able to fend them off by yourself?” Spectacles asked, completely oblivious to the fact that I had done just that not that long ago. “Don’t you worry your senile head, gramps. I’ve got this!” Between the HEV, the immobilization spell that I got from double-checking their special containment protocols and the array of batons they’d given me to fend off any Changeling lucky enough to bypass everything from before, I was feeling more than confident in getting the vault back. “Well,” he sighed, “We do have an emergency potion cache in case you change your mind.” Potions? “What potions?” The space of time from when I asked that question to when I was staring at a suspiciously familiar crate went by in a blur of motion. I wish all my travels were like that. It would save me a lot of energy from all the hateful staring I wouldn't have to do. “…DUNGEON!” Huh, even that’s the same. “Canterlot can never seem to get enough of these!” Spectacles cried out. I guess he wanted my sympathy for his plight of having to play around with exotic chemicals all day long. “It’s not as if we don’t have enough work on our hooves with the Project, they want a crate-full of these every month.” Potions that can make you fly or turn invisible. Can’t imagine why they’d want ‘em. He zapped open the crate, only instead of hundreds of potions, there were only a few bottles in there. It wasn’t even the full color combo! I instantly knew what was going on, so I knowingly squinted at Spectacles who was doing his best to appear blissfully ignorant about the whole thing. Couldn’t help feeling a tinge of pride for the old coot, no matter how hard I tried to resist it. You’re drinking these things by the gallon, aren’t you? Either that or you’re selling them. It was difficult to tell. His glasses didn’t look expensive enough for somepony working the black market, but then it doesn’t take a lot to trick somepony into paying a fortune for something dirt cheap, especially if they’re not used to it. Just slap on a fancy label, call it a “Designer” item, or whatever they’re naming them these days, and you’ll sell a pebble to a rock farmer. “And that’s only if somepony doesn’t mislabel it to regular mail!” He wasn’t done yet, and the way he called somepony out meant it was someone close by. I glanced to the side to see who would shrink, only it was difficult to see who the culprit was when everypony looked away at the same time. Funny how coworkers’ lab coats and random ceiling fixtures suddenly become so interesting, isn’t it? That’s embarrassing. How can I figure out which one of you is the weakest link if you’re all the weakest link? “And then you have to make a whole new batch,” Spectacles was getting really angry, “And send that to Canterlot before somepony tracks the first one to Farmville or what’s-that-place!” Haha, Farmville. They sent a crate to- I stopped snickering in an instant. He doesn’t mean... Ponyville flashed back in a hurry, and it wasn’t long before I wanted to seek out the dimwit who’d mislabeled the crate so I could thank them for the whole ordeal. After all, if they hadn’t sent the crate to Ponyville, I wouldn’t have been tempted to steal it! That said, I wasn't really sure if I should be angry at them or applauding them. Being an outlaw had its ups and down, but it beat walking down the same dull hallways every day. Now there were new dull hallways to discover, at least until I was topside again. And the crate did enable me to create Lunestia. What a brief, beautiful spark that was. If you’d only know what you have helped to create. I felt a lonely tear in the corner of my eye. I salute you! “But that-ugh…” Spectacles suddenly went quiet. “Dr. Neigh, what are you doing?” I quickly put my hoof down. Oh. “I’m just…” Sinking into the ground was what I was doing, but I couldn’t exactly say that. “Haven’t you heard of patriotism?!” He backtracked after that. He wasn’t a soldier – not by a long shot – but something about working on top secret projects always makes a scientist feel like he is. Tap into that alter-ego and you can do anything. I know how it was in my lab. Work on magically enhancing the steel blades of plows, so that Earth ponies can feel important for making the crops grow, and you’re a pebble in the collective. Design a paperweight for Canterlot, and everypony pauses in the hallway to let you by. I designed a lot of those things. Where was I? Oh yeah. “I’ll take…” I looked over the potions, or what was left of them, and tried to figure out what they were. The purple one was familiar, but what good is a flight potion when you’re so deep down a mountain that Mole Ponies become statistically probable? Apart from that, there were only a few dark blue, neon green and some red ones remaining. Invisibility was missing and I knew it would look suspicious if I just started taking everything, so I had to choose. Only this time, I didn’t have a black-dressed pretend-mobster showing me a blue and a red pill and spewing nonsense about rabbit-holes to distract me. I just wanted some oxycontin! Those look suspiciously like Luna, that’s not encouraging. I’m not going to a rave. Ahh, the red one. Fire, danger, excitement. Lust. It has my name written all over it! It didn’t really, but that’s nothing a sharp knife and some precision manipulation can’t fix. I grabbed one of the bottles. Changeling soup. That’s what’s for dinner! This is gonna be so awesome… “But, doctor Neigh, that’s-” Spectacles tried being a killjoy, as usual. “My decision?” I don’t like having my Power-Pony fantasies ruined. “You’re damn right it is!” “But are you-” “Yes, I’m sure! Now why don’t we go get this over with so I can see the light of day in this century?!” The light of day… Funny how we take that for granted, isn’t it? It’s only after you get trapped in an underground laboratory that you start to realize how much you miss it when it’s gone. Kind of like the last slice of pizza in the box. Or charcoal. “Well, okay, if that’s- if that’s what you wish,” he meekly ended his resistance. I reaffirmed my decision with a firm nod. The red potion went into the HEV’s saddlebags and the crate was re-sealed a moment later. I felt kind of bad for not taking the neon-green one as well. Sure, I wasn’t planning on a rave at that exact time, but you never know what waits for you down the road. “I suppose you don’t need me to brief you on their weak points, the way you handled yourself in the vault?” He looked at me and I could see a spark of resentment in his eyes. Some things stay the same no matter what lab you’re in. I had to fight it. “No, I think I’d love to hear more about your wonderful creations.” As long as he kept talking about what he did and didn't ask any questions about what I did, everything was fine. The HEV infused my magic with witchcraft to the point that it could make Changeling confetti, I knew that, and I had also demonstrated that a Changeling corpse couldn’t support the weight of a steel containment door. That said, I really did want to know more about them. Specifically, can they be trained? And does it work on good looks alone, or would I have to take a sip from the unending well of my superior intellect? Wouldn’t hurt to know where their skull is softest too, just in case. We reached the familiar glowing glass of their only proper specimen, and you have to take a few steps back to look at the whole picture again when the only successful specimen they’ve been able to make has to be kept behind magically-protected glass so it doesn’t rip somepony’s head off. And then you remember it was designed for protection. I’d love to be on the receiving end of an offensive Changeling, if these dolts ever made one. It would hug me and ask for tummy rubs. That thing would kill you with diabetes. “The perfect enemy…” I murmured under my breath. “Well, she’s not all that bad,” Spectacles thought I was talking about the Queen. “A tad aggressive, yes, but once we sort that out…” I let him trail off. As in, I watched him do it, and I deliberately held off saying anything that would either change the subject or tell him that the abomination in front of us was anything but a total and complete failure. You’re responsible for it. Deal with the consequences. Technically, I was the one who was going to deal with them, with all the Changelings now roaming wild in the vault, but the awkwardness of that moment was all his. It’s the little things in life that – no, I can’t say that with a straight face. Go big or go home! Yes, that’s more like it. “SO, yes,” That startled me back into listening to him. “The chitin is at its thickest on the skull and the chest plate. The hooves are ten times stronger than our own, and the holes in the legs actually enhance their structural rigidity by compressing the load carrying parts into much denser areas that are perfectly distributed along the leg.” That’s not a body double. It’s the Harbinger of Doom. “The horn serves a triple purpose: Firstly, to allow the Changeling to transform into a princess, or, err, somepony else.” I didn’t like how he contemplated that as if it was the first time he’d realized it. “Secondly, to defend itself against aggressors, should the need arise and finally, to charge its energy via emotional discharge of volunteers.” What in the hay is emotional discharge? Tears? I could already see it feeding on the tears of those who saw it. From that perspective, it really was a great design - no way that thing would ever run out of food! Keeping everypony around it hydrated, that would be an issue, but I could see how that wasn't any of the lab's concern. It would be like asking weapons manufacturers to ensure an unending supply of spearheads for the Royal Guards to scratch their plots with. That's the job of logistics. Now there was just one thing sticking out. Two, actually. “So, what are the fangs for?” “The fangs?” He stroked his chin. Never a good sign. “Oh, we thought they’d look nice.” I… can’t argue with that, actually. He guiltily added, “I guess they really don’t need them since they feed off love anyway.” Love? But this isn't marriage coun-Oh. Somepony hit the pause button on my thought drive. It was time to recap. “So, let me get this straight.” I was struggling to wrap my head around it. “They’re stronger than us, they can transform into us and they feed off our love?” I didn’t want to imagine what the outcome of my first meeting with them would have been like had I not been wearing the HEV. Incidentally, something told me neither Spectacles not any other sciencepony here knew what the HEV did to my magic back there, but that same something also told me to keep my mouth shut if I wanted to keep it. “Yes.” For an Adaptive Body Double or whatever they called it? Where’s the logic in that? The part about the strength and the implanted transformation spell, I understood. Of course the body double couldn’t just explode if it got hit by a bolt of magic or a well-aimed arrow; that would make the assassins know they’d hit a fake. But the whole feeding-with-love thing? That was a step too far. Haven’t they heard of protein shakes? The obvious design flaw left me wondering. “So, when was the last time you loved it?” That was even stranger to say than it sounded. The last thing I needed was to go up against enemies that were angry and hungry. Spectacles just looked at me like I’d asked him when he’d last had sexy-times with the thing. I bet you would if you could. I can see it in your eyes. “What do you mean?” “Well, you said they feed off our love, right?” He nodded. “So, when was the last time you let it have some of your love, or did you just make it and leave it to starve?” “Oh, no!” He actually laughed. “She doesn’t feed on our love for her; she feeds on our love for our fellow ponies!” I blinked. “Unfortunately, they don’t spend as much energy as ponies do, so we can’t just leave them to starve out, but there is another way to defeat them.” Harness the power of the HEV and blow them to bits? “Just like you can eat some hay, but you’ll get crushed under a bale,” an annoying, secretive smile formed on his aging face, “So too can they be crushed by a repulsion shield enhanced with your own love.” I know what I’m going with. “Okay, thanks for that!” I gave him a pat on the shoulder to underscore my intention of ignoring that advice, “Let’s get to it!” “Alright, then!” he happily nodded in response and turned to lead me to the exit. I wanted to let out an exasperated sigh when I took the first step behind him, but I could only do it halfway. There’s something to be said about a warm hoof gently grazing your shoulder blade. Somepony didn’t want me to go. “Say,…” The yellow, fiery-maned mare was standing to my side and I was diving in the oceans of her eyes before I had a chance to put on a snorkel. From then on, all I could see were her lips moving and shifting like they were made of chewing gum, and her head gently swaying as if she was dancing to the sound of her own voice. Is she talking? I don’t know how angry I would be if I found out that the pony I was talking to wasn’t listening, only that I would probably have to add a new name to my list. And maybe it was for the best that I didn’t know the feeling, seeing as I’d just missed what Miss Chewy Lips was telling me. Not that the list of options was long, given how she was nudging toward me. “Of course I do!” I don’t think I’ve ever come to a decision that fast, short of when a salespony asked me if I wanted to buy a magnifying glass and pointed out there was an anthill nearby. She didn’t seem to understand. “You… do?” she asked quizzically. I was about to reassure her of my decision, when she added, “You mean, ‘you are?’” Okay, maybe she wasn’t asking me if I wanna go on a date. A list of alternatives that included the words ‘you are’ scrolled past my eyes. If I’m going to be her coltfriend? Of course, that makes so much more sense! She must've counted that coffee as the date. I quickly corrected myself and the smile that followed was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She still seemed a bit puzzled by my instant willingness to allow her to become a part of my life, but then who wouldn’t be? I am well and truly amazing! “Well, great,” she stammered, “So, uhm…” It wasn’t until she started pointing a hoof at the enchanted glass that I suddenly felt I’d misinterpreted something. “If you wouldn’t mind…” She came even closer to me and everything around me went blurry. Those beautiful cyan eyes covered my whole field of vision, and again I couldn’t think of anything else, only this time I actually saw the sparks in her eyes as she stared into my soul. I’d never heard of love-sparks being green, but there are worse things science can't answer, like what happened to all the horses in Equestria? We still use them in our sayings and there are fossils aplenty but the way they're singed doesn't correspond to any natural phenomenon short of being steamrolled by the sun. Eh, who cares. What matters is that the mare leaned in all the way and whispered her deepest desires into my ear. That’s kinky. I didn’t understand why she wanted me to do that, but if giving her a minute with the Queen would give me a minute with her, I didn’t really have much to think about. There was only one problem. How do I disable the field? I hate myself for asking that out loud a moment later with probably the same doe-eyed expression on my face. In contrast, her face dropped like she’d just hear me oust myself for the doppelganger that I was. She practically hissed at me, “What do you mean?!” I scratched my head and tried to form words. She beat me to it by pointing at the wall and hissing. “You have the suit, just stick your horn in there!” Between the quiet, angry hissing and the choice of words, I can’t say my mind didn’t start to wander. The instant slap brought me back quickly. “That’s what they did last time!” Now that I actually looked at where she was pointing, there really was a small panel in the wall next to the glass. She levitated it open, revealing a horn-sized hole in the wall. Oh, that. I shrugged. Time to impress! “Dr. Neigh, are you-” The distant voice came and stopped just as I stuck my horn into the hole. The mixture of shouts came a split-second later, only they felt more like a disturbance in a dream as I was already feeling the best fizzy sensation that I’d ever felt in my horn. It traveled down my spine and I could actually feel it exiting into the suit. A tenth of a second later it came back from the HEV, reversed the path to the horn before dissipating out to the lock and I suddenly needed a cigarette. That was so good it should be illegal. The brief moment when everything went quiet I realized it probably was. The confirmation of that came with the sudden calamity of ponies shouting over each other even louder then before and the sound of hooves crashing against the floor all throughout the lab. It made hearing distinct words difficult. “BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” That, I heard. I slowly started craning my head right to confirm my suspicion, when a bright green flash sent me flying. The landing probably wasn’t as soft as I’d have wanted it to be. Vanilla corn starch flavored pudding… Nothing is sadder than realizing the picture perfect scene in front of you is nothing more than a dream. That depressing moment when black dots start tearing the whole thing apart and you become conscious of your body again. Don’t go! We have so much in common! The warmth of a snug embrace slowly replaced the vision in my mind. Sure, I didn't see it anymore, but it didn’t hurt to stay cozy just a while longer. I forced my eyes tighter together to recapture the magic. I knew you’d come back. On some level I knew I knew it was all a dream, and it just didn't matter, right up until there was pudding everywhere and I felt it wrap right around me. There's no escaping survival instincts. My eyes popped open like a Jack-in-the-box. Everything around me was green and the lab was upside-down. What is this? Green slime was keeping me pinned to the wall. Don’t tell me. Some discoveries are better than others. One day, you find that your dirty dishes have perfectly round clean spots on them, which indicates that something is responsible for destroying the filth, but you choose to ignore that because you have unicorn doctors two minutes away. On others you learn that your fall was cushioned by a wall and now you're stuck to it in something that can be best described as a giant bugger. I liked how some of the batons I’d been given were stuck to the wall of whatever I was in, but that was about as good as it got. This day keeps going from bad to worse. Why is stealing from a secret Canterlot bit pit so hard? I hated myself when I got all self-pity-like, but sometimes life just isn’t fair. Someponies got to wake up in the morning and trouble their pretty, groomed heads over what desert to get at lunch while their help is still making them breakfast. Was it polite to have the soufflé if you’d had it two days ago or would it show everypony that you’re an unimaginative meatbag that didn’t want to go to the prom with me just because of that whole chlorine incident, huh Crust? Crust. The name brought forth images of her dancing with Jet Set before he exploded into black snowflakes. The distant sound of a certain door screeching open might have had something to do with that illusion. That reminded me I had supercharged magic to play with. Of course. There was a brief moment when I wanted to wonder why they had made three sets of massive doors with varying levels of screeching and thuds when it came to opening them instead of sticking with a single design. Then I remembered I was dealing with a Canterlot facility, which by default made any reasoning obsolete. It was time to leave. I summoned my magic and prepared to shove the slime off me. The smell of death’s bowel movement burned through my nose the moment the oversized flash started burning my retinas. That HEV suit was worth its weight in gold. Even carried the fall and everything. Couldn't have done that when I went flying into the wall, could you? Never mind. EXIT, stage left. Or is it right? The lab had become noticeably darker since I’d gotten glued to the wall, and all the light gems that I’d just taken out with the blast were only part of the reason. Everything was just slightly more… charred. And broken. The new ornaments didn’t help with the ambiance. Cocooned ponies. I prefer pickled Changelings. Something told me I had to get the ponies out if I had any hope of being recognized as a hero, but I wasn’t entirely sure that blasting the cocoons wouldn’t blast the tenants along with them. Not to mention that it did make for an unrivaled opportunity; a case study of pony metamorphosis! All it would take for me to be a Dr. Dr. Freemane was to wait out the self-digestion process that caterpillars go through and wait for the cocoons to open up. I took a step closer and looked at the pony inside. What’s the end result here gonna be anyway? The world’s ugliest butterfly? A moth-pony? No, no… I stifled a laugh. An alicorn. I’ve never felt my mood shift as fast as then. An alicorn. Of course. Those small Changelings weren’t failed experiments, not all of them. They were just pre-cocoon alicorns. The Queen does have wings and a horn! I don’t know who was looking at whom with the more terrified expression on his face, me the trapped pony, or him at me. He probably thought I was seeing him dissolve or something, but what I was really seeing was something far more spectacular: The very fabric of our deeply flawed society was dissolving before my very eyes. And I'd taken myself out of an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Is this… Is this really how alicorns are made? I though back to all those history lessons I’d skipped and quietly swore for having skipped them. One thing was for sure, though. I’d never heard anypony say they’d given birth to an alicorn. It was always a Pegasus, or an Earth pony, or One Of Us, never an alicorn. I pressed my hoof at the transparent wall of the cocoon. “I need to be inside you.” The pony’s eyes widened like I’d said that to him. The nerve. Now, where’s the experiment? A quick look around confirmed the lack of the only creature that could help me with that. The screaming had died down too, which left me with one option. I looked back at the stallion. “Okay, you’re going to have to make room for me.” I’m still not sure if he heard me or not, but I do know that he closed his eyes and cringed as I started charging my magic. Care-e-ful. Just a spark. The cocoon burst with a pop and its inhabitant flopped down to the ground. “Thank you! Oh-” “No!” The cocoon was bust. What little was left of it was smeared on the wall where it was attached, much like with mine. The rest was gracing the floor, again much like mine. But you know how they say: If you want to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. And there were more eggs to be broken before I gave up and ordered a pizza, which in my case meant hunting down the Queen and poking her with a stick. Or throwing a baton at her head, I wasn’t decided yet. Take #2. Okay, take #3. #4?... Not one cocoon would cooperate. At every single one I tried to drop my power level down enough to slice it open without detonating it, but what can I say? There are ponies who can temper their power, and there are those of us who can’t. I’m sure the HEV was just a catalyst. The end result was the same either way. A whole bunch of gasping, shivering ponies and not one alicorn-maker left running. This isn’t fair. “I can’t thank you enough,” a lab assistant next to me started, and I was ready to ignore him, like I did with the others, but I’m glad I didn’t. “They would have drained us like batteries if you hadn’t saved us.” Drained you? “That’s a strange way to make an alicorn.” “Alicorn? How would-” he stammered before a familiar voice cut him off. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!” Spectacles wasn’t happy about all the goo in his fur. “Yes,” I wasn’t going to take it from him, not now, “I’ve just saved your sorry flanks from being useful!” I got a strange feeling I was about to get a hoof to the face when the booming laughter started coming from the corridor to the Vault. That stopped that silly idea. And that’s the great thing with villains – they have to announce themselves. They also can’t let a grudge slide, which was the more pressing matter, but at least I knew they were coming back for us. Judging by how quickly Spectacles reinstated himself as the leader, I’m guessing he knew that as well. “Come on, we have to hide!” He threw a door open from afar and the group of scared scienceponies ran in right behind him like the obedient sheep that they were. “Go ahead, run! Run and hide-” I was in the middle of yelling when the corridor outside the lab suddenly went dark, and the only thing I could see were tiny spots of light shifting around where there used to be light from the gemstones before. The buzzing came next. “AND HOLD THE DOOR!” Now It took a while for the banging to die down. There were times I thought the creeps would break down the door, and I don’t think I was alone in that. The way it actually bent in under the pressure before bouncing back into shape would make anypony nervous. Then the banging stopped, the door gave up on defying reality and the wall of buzzing dimmed away. Not before a few select word from the Queen, of course. The ending was nice, though. “I’LL FIND YOU! I’LL FIND YOU AND I’LL END YOU!” What followed was the most unnerving silence I’d heard in a while. Or didn’t hear, I don’t know. I'm not entirely sure what the semantics are in this case. Much like nopony was sure why the Changelings had left. An educated guess would be that they must have gotten tired of trying to exact revenge for having been made into existence, but try telling that to the scientists. Speaking of them, now that the way was clear nopony was in a hurry to open the door. The cowards. “Should we…” one of the unicorns holding the door shut asked in a voice that couldn’t have been more timid even if he had tried. Spectacles had the answer ready: “No, no. It could be a trap.” Typical. Now all you have to do is find somepony who’ll go out to investigate since you’re too scared to do it. Oh, how I wonder who that’ll be?! “Petri, why don’t you-” “Yes, yes, I know. I’m going out. No problem!” My sarcasm lessons were paying off, since they all looked at me with just slightly angrier faces than before, which was an achievement in itself. “What?!” Spectacles looked ready to explode. “Obviously I’m the one who’s going out. Who else has an HEV on him?!” “No!” He was really holding back now. “You’ve done quite enough!” I wish I was a psychiatrist. Bipolar disorder, epic projection, rampant narcissism – it’s all there. The only reason I kept my mouth shut was that there were an awful lot of angry ponies watching his back and being trapped in a lavatory like this brought back painful memories. Those toilets were just begging for a pony’s head, just like in high school. Of course I was part of the cool colts, obviously! And then we played hoofball and… stuff. Doesn’t matter now, that was a long time ago and we’ve all grown since then, right?! “Stay there and don’t even think about coming after us!” They huddled together after that. It was a scene straight out of a hoofball match, except the ponies here couldn’t lift their breakfast to their mouths without magic if their lives depended on it, and that I could hear almost everything thanks to the small confines of the lavatory. Almost missed the shadow hanging over me. What are you supposed to be? A distinctly janitor-like pony was standing next to me. He wasn’t in the pods I blasted. “So, you’ve been hiding here all along, huh?” He ignored me. Well, he was holding his broom like it was a parade spear, so he wasn’t completely ignoring me, he just didn’t seem all that interested in answering. The brilliant escape plan was taking shame in the meantime. The word 'portal' got thrown around a lot, and there was even some noise about the Changelings being trapped on this level since nopony would take them topside. But that banked on the brave Royal Guards doing their part and sealing the level once the alarm sounded. The Changelings are already outside aren’t they? I bet Shining is serving them homebrewed coffee in the dining hall and asking if everyone has enough sugar. I had never felt so relax while being trapped in an underground lavatory with monsters running around. The only thing separating me from seeing the light of day was a few minutes of waiting patiently for the scientists to leave and going out after the Changelings had eaten their complimentary cupcakes. The issue was timing. Too soon, and the Changelings will still be picking their teeth. Too late and Dr. Neigh comes in through the portal with his team of exterminators and then I have more explaining to do than Candle Blower at a funeral. Where does the portal lead to anyway? Some top-secret hollowed-out mountain on the opposite side of Equestria? It had to be somewhere top-secret. It’s not like they would have a portal to someplace as dangerous as this in the middle of Canterlot, right? “Release the shield,” Spectacles finally declared. The group moved to the door, shuffled around a bit and the shield went down. Somepony tried to raise an objection but didn’t get a turn to say anything as Spectacles stormed past. The others stomped off as well, with two of the younger scienceponies standing by the door, looking at me like prison guards as the others went through. They followed through once everyone was out and closed the door behind them. And locked them, as if that could stop me. Only one thing stayed the same: The janitor. I needed a threat assessment. It this my warden? Am I supposed to be scared of a janitor? Is it really Cthulhu? I looked him over. Apart from the scruffiness and the obligatory messy mane, there was nothing extraordinary about him. The only thing that freaked me out was how chill he was about the whole thing. He just kept his right hoof on the pretend broom-spear and lazily sipped from a cup with his left. What is that? He was holding a mug of the strangest tea I’d ever seen. It looked a bit like herbal tea, but it just didn’t flow right. Smelled funny too, but I’d long stopped questioning that. The things Canterlot’s finest will stuff down their throats in the name of fads is mesmerizing. Well, somepony had to be the friendly one while the others were busy running to safety. It’s always good to get on the other’s good side - softens their defenses if you need to resort to cannibalism. “So, what’s your story?” He wasn’t playing along. All I got in return was a side glance that told me he couldn’t be bothered while he took another sip. What did that guidebook say about making small talk with strangers? Anchor, reveal, exchange? Well, I don’t have an anchor, but I do need some bait. There aren’t many things you can realistically talk to a janitor about without making yourself look a few IQ points short of a pancake, so there was really only one thing to draw him into the conversation. “What are you drinking?” “Diesel.” The brief murmur that was the reply was probably meant to stop further prying, but that only works on interns. “What’s a diesel?” “I don’t know. But we do have a whole bunch of it in barrels.” He took another sip. “Okay.” Diesel, huh? Die Serenely and Levitate? No, they’re chemists, it has to be some new made up molecule. Or are they biologists? All the silence was making me wish for the return of the Queen. And it was strangely silent. No hoofsteps since the others had fled, but also no screaming and wailing. If there was ever a time to escape, it was now. “Don’t ya go anywhere, ya hear.” The janitor suddenly remembered my existence. He was lazily squinting at me and drinking his diesel, but I guess my sudden fascination with the door got his attention. No way that’d hold off the HEV if I got a galloping start. “What, don’t you think I got the message?” Escape imminent. “No.” He put the cup down. “Do ya really think they’ll accomplish anythin’ out there?” “No.” I didn’t expect to be honest with anypony down here but sometimes the answer is so blindingly obvious you can’t stop it escaping. “It’s the third time somethin’ like this’s gone down. Better to just sit it out and clean up the mess when Celestia shows up.” I got the strange feeling he would have said that regardless of what I’d answer, almost like it was premeditated. Here was a pony who was so used to seeing his bosses fail that waiting for rescue in a lavatory was probably in his job description. I started searching for any signs that he was carrying a knife. I mean, how sane can anypony be when they’re expected to clean up after each failed attempt at sciencing? As long as he doesn’t start reciting that Hearth's Warming Eve play… I went to that thing once. Can’t remember why or how, but I can remember thanking my hip flask for dulling the pain once I realized the doors were shut. Just try and leave through a sardine-packed theater with the benevolent ruler overseeing everything. And just try doing that before the short one came back from her Moon holidays for the Happy Funtime Family Reunion. Just try, I dare you. Hold on. Celestia? I cringed. The last thing I wanted was for Celestia to show up. I didn’t know if the Guards would have recognized me in the HEV, but Celestia probably wouldn’t forget my face. And my tally didn’t look good. Avoiding arrest – what’s that, a few months? Escape from detention – a year… maybe. That dragon that burned down Ponyville, they’ll find a way to pin that on me, I just know it. Add a few minor thefts, endangerments, conspiracy for grand theft and releasing the Queen... There’s something else. What am I missing? A few years’ worth of dungeon wasn’t ideal if the only alternative was running into the army of Changelings on their way out. But then it dawned on me; the one thing that changed the calculation entirely: Lunestia. Yeah, the Changelings are already outside and the way is clear. Or else. I was about to charge for the door when the whole place shook so hard it would have made my fillings fall out, if I had any. “What the…” “There we go,” the janitor stated like his prophecy had just come true. “There we go, what?!” “Cavalry’s here; they’ve opened up the portal.” His voice still didn’t change. “By blowing the mountain to bits?!” “No. They just made space for the Royal Chariot.” You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking. The moment I heard the unmistakable sound of a few dozen horseshoes hitting the smooth floor of the lab and the even less mistakable hollow sound of golden wheels skidding along it I knew he wasn’t joking. “Like I said, just wait it out.” I don’t think he noticed my eye twitching. There was no point in running, and nowhere to run to, not with the flood of hoofsteps thrashing past the door. I took it with dignity. “Do you have a noose?” “Nope.” Damn it. The ceiling started to look more and more like a fine place for target practice. You know how they say, you have to make your own way in life! And sometimes that means testing the HEV for its tunnel boring capabilities. Only the strangest thing happened right before I charged my magic. All that noise, all the horseshoes clopping and the chariot being dragged along and the muffled war cries – it all went past the door. “Won’t be long now,” the janitor glanced at his nonexistent watch. I took a few steps to the door when somepony tried to jerk it open. He wasn’t alone. “Locked!” “Leave it, then!” And with that, the last sets of hoofsteps followed the main asinine force. No, I didn’t say that wrong. Now there was only one escape path open if I wanted to avoid the post-cleanup scrutiny of the lab and time was suddenly in short supply. I grabbed the janitor by the scruff of his neck. “Where’s the portal?!” “Left, past the break room. Probably a gaping hole in the wall where the door used to be.” He didn’t even raise an eyebrow at what I was doing or that I didn’t know where the portal was or that I was in such a hurry. But there was no time to play bad cop, meaner cop with him. I was already charging for the door when he actually said something useful without me threatening him. “You forgot these.” He was dangling a set of keys on a chain. I didn’t know what to make of it. “If yer gonna escape, might as well do it right.” Okay. Staying hidden was key, but the sweat pouring from me wasn’t helping me turn the actual key any slower. I could hear each and every pin scrape against the teeth before the whole thing was in, and then the lock made sure to grind as loudly as possible as I unlocked it. Or maybe that was just in my head, I don’t know. What I do know is that there were apparently some Royal Guards who didn’t get the memo to join the Changeling Chase and had decided to stick around the lab. They were so disinterested in the whole thing they didn’t even see the door to the lavatory creeping open. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t slammed the door shut like that. “What was that?” Damn it! I spread myself over the door while fumbling with the key that suddenly refused to turn. A faint glow of magic enveloped the edges of the door. Come on! Come- SLAM! “Don’t move, citizen!” The wall that was stuck to my face was making it difficult to see what was going on, but something told me the Guards hadn’t noticed me at all. Now it all depended on the janitor not mentioning me. I hate you with- “’Bout time you showed up. Standard evac?” “Ugh, yes. Right this way!” As soon as the magical grip let go of the door, I peeled myself off the wall and peeked around the corner. So that’s where it is. With the entirety of the Royal Guards that weren’t out fighting a battle now escorting the janitor to the portal, all I had to do was follow behind and hide until they went back to their posts. Simple. “First an attempt at robbery, now this. What else can go wrong?” I wouldn’t ask that question if I were you. “I know,” the other Guard replied. “They even lost the ringleader. Thornsworth or whatever it was…” I kind of lost track of the conversation at that point. The giant hole in the wall ahead of the Guards and the janitor was a nice sign that we were going in the right direction. The open rooms nearby were the last piece in my new foolproof plan. Wait for it. Strange, watery blue light appeared in the remains of the room ahead. And… I charged my horn and moved closer to the wall and its many open doors. NOW! You should’ve seen me – it was poetry! I swung back, jumped toward a room to the side and released an overcharged magical blast into the empty hallway outside the lab. By the time the Guards had managed to take a look, I was out of sight. “MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!” Didn’t take them long to run past, I’ll give them that. And they were actually running toward the danger! That was a surprise. I was expecting them to surrender and plead for mercy. This works. I guess. The portal was as portal-y as you would expect, but why the janitor was sweeping the floor around it I had no idea. “Shouldn’t you be escaping?” “Nope.” Your funeral. Hey, wait a minute. I know what Celestia’s chariot looks like! How did they fit that through here? After everything I’d gone through in one day, chariot-shrinkage really didn’t matter. I took the time to exhale all the bad mojo away and walked into the portal. This isn’t so-AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! “Huh… Huh…” I was on the other side. And not like the chicken with the road, but really on the other side. It looked familiar. I’ve been here before. Not the exact room I was in maybe, but there was no mistaking the distinct architecture around me. Reminded me of my one and only attempt at forging a Gala ticket. Could’ve made more if I didn’t feel sorry for the ponies who’d buy them. It’s one thing to sell them Griffon Darkness or Human Dust, and something else to make them suffer something the Gala. This place doesn’t look so bad with Celestia away. The Guards I could deal with, if there were any nearby to begin with. I’d come through the portal, therefore I have to be on the A-list, and the HEV would probably make them think I’m part of Celestia’s pet project. It was strange realizing I had the whole Canterlot Castle to myself until she got back. The question now wasn’t if there’s anything worth taking as a souvenir, but what was most worth taking. Golden chandeliers, crystal figurines, gems in golden picture frames… Now where’s the good stuff? Among all the riches in what was a surprisingly small room, I knew even Celestia wouldn’t have forgotten the golden rule: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and anything valuable out of everyone’s reach. There has to be something else here. If I were an unimaginative monarch, where would I hide a treasure? The hollow sound of the bookshelf put that question to rest. Really? Now don’t tell me, if I take you out… no, you? You? YOU? Come on! That last book went flying. Right past a marble bust of everypony’s favorite ruler. I had its head open in two seconds flat. The button inside made a wall panel next to the bookshelf open and the oversized hole for an oversized horn was looking back at me. Made me wonder how many other unicorns had really considered how different they were to Celestia. That's quite longer than mine, isn’t it? Thicker too… Ah, no matter! My forehead was grinding up against the wall in no time, but the fizziness wouldn’t come. COME ON! I guess I’m just too-No! It’s the perfect size; it’s not my fault some ponies are born mutated. The bust was gaping back at me, laughing at my superior normality, its freakishly long horn obscured from view… It… It can’t be that simple. Can it? Between my magic and the HEV, it didn’t take long to plug the heavy marble bust into the hole in the wall. The bookshelf was practically flung open the moment I did that. “Yes! You see-” The sound of hoofsteps from the darkness beyond didn’t fill me with confidence. Neither did the voice. “Well, well, well.” Celestia came out of the shadows like a horror-story killer, complete with a faint, manic smile and just a tad too slow step in her legs; the kind that told me she could catch me no matter how quickly I ran and was taking her time approaching just because she could. Then something strange happened - she squinted at me like she didn’t recognize me, but was calculating how to attack all the same. I can’t… Potion! POTION! POTION! POTION! I didn’t have the time or the will to question why she was just standing at the threshold as I fumbled with the HEV or whether it was really another Queen that I was dealing with. The only thing I knew for certain was that it was time to fight a god and I had a dangerously red potion in my saddlebag. It was down my throat before I knew when I grabbed it. “Okay,” I was feeling brave and talented, “We can do this the hard way, or-” The whole room shifted and Celestia was suddenly looking down at me. Her creepy smile grew to a full-on grin and she started coming closer. And that still wasn't the bad news. No, the bad news was that I couldn’t move a muscle. If only I couldn’t have felt anything as well. “What are you doing? Where are you…” I remember her flicking her horn and the HEV falling off me in chunks like it was held together by Play-Doh. I remember her dragging me into the darkness. I blocked out the rest. The next thing I saw were two Royal Guards standing at my sides and magical hoofcuffs keeping me in place. Not that I had a desire to move. I was drenched in more fluids than should be possible and if going to a dungeon meant getting a shower, I’d be the first one in line. Especially if that would get me away from Celestia, who was having a hard time containing her joy of seeing me like this. “She really did a number on you, didn’t she?” I was in no mood to reply. “Oh, of course! How could you have known? We really should let our loyal subjects know of my twin, but there are reasons why my dear, depraved sister has to stay out of the sunlight. Did you understand - sunlight, instead of spotlight? Haha!” I hate you. “I’m terribly sorry for being so chipper, but there’s only so much a mare can take AND STAY NICE.” Now that was a mood shift! “Chasing those things down narrow hallways isn’t my idea of a good evening, but thanks to you we got to test out the security at The Forge! Which is lacking… They couldn’t quite explain how they made it to the surface, but Shining Armor ensured me that he’ll take care of the ones that got away, so there’s nothing to worry about!” Shining? Good luck with that. “I suppose everything is almost back to normal. All that remains for us is to decide what to do with you.” The royal We. I was waiting for that to show up. “Let them in.” Six mares walked into the room; it didn’t take me long to recognize them. The funny thing was that I wasn’t sure if they’d actually seen me before, apart from the pink one, but the way they were looking at me let me know they didn’t have a particularly positive opinion of me. Seething, rage, fear – yeah, I don’t know why the yellow one was shivering – it was all there. And this was to be my jury? “Wait! I haven’t even had a trial yet!” Just as I said that, I felt a magical gag press down on the inside of my throat. “Shush. I’m afraid you’ll be gagged until we deliver the verdict, seeing as your actions have done all the talking. Or maybe we'll let you have it for a while longer, so you won’t be able to talk another dragon into something unfortunate…” She contemplated that and I got the feeling my sentence just got a tad worse. “And a public trial? I don’t think you want that.” Celestia hovered a piece of weather-worn paper to my face. It had my face on it! WANTED! DEAD OR _______. Version 3.14 They didn't even bother filling out the 'OR' part. Then again, the drawing of an angry mob at the bottom showed how much time they’d had with making the poster, so they couldn't have missed it. I could’ve sworn I saw a Pegasus in the background waving a flag that had my face on it, instead of holding a pitchfork like the rest, but the poster got yanked away too soon. Gulp. “You’ve caused quite a stir in Ponyville. Fortunately Fluttershy was able to talk to the dragon before the whole town was destroyed. And, of course, the whole potion fiasco in the post office… But you know, being so close to my sister as I was for that brief period made me see things from a different perspective.” I didn’t like how her face dropped and she murmured, “Horrible, horrible, things,” before she went on speaking as cheerfully as before. “And it has shown me something that I had nearly forgotten - that some ponies cause far too much trouble when they’re around.” I liked it even less how she closed the portal behind her without even looking at it and reignited it a second later. The growing shadows under her eyes were nice, though. Really drove home the intent. The six mares picked up on it too and duly followed, only their jewelry lit up along with their eyes. And that was still the normal part, considering that Celestia then levitated off the ground and started draining the portal with shining white magic. Couldn’t leave it at that, though. The grand closure had to make an appearance. She looked at me with pure white eyes. “Goodbye, Dr. Freeman.” Goodbye? It’s gonna be this easy? I get to go? But- AAAAAAHH! Something was different about the portal this time and not only that it was technically fired at me by seven mares with glowing eyes. The colors were all messed up and everything had a more jagged feel to it, not that I had the time to admire it for long. THUD Ow. That hurt. Hey, I still can’t speak! When will this wear off?! The close-up of the off-color steel floor was perfect for seeing the moisture in my breath condensate in predictable patterns. Don’t know why that made me think of Celestia’s parting words. Maybe it was to shake off the strange feeling I had all over my body. Did she get my name wrong? She did, didn’t she? That featherbrained- My left hoof didn’t look right when I tried to pick myself up. Neither did the right one. And they were covered in what looked like the sleeves of a lab coat. And I had claws. Soft-looking claws, but claws nonetheless. I grabbed a nearby chair and pulled myself up. “Good morning-” AH! “-and welcome to the Black Mesa Transit System.” This can't be good.