By mid-morning of the day after my coronation, we all stood ready to board the train the girls took to the Empire. With the direct route to the mountain still down, we would actually be going through Ponyville twice, once on our way to Canterlot to drop Tia and Luna off, and then a second time for the rest of us. While it would have just have taken her a second to get back home using her magic, the reason she gave for the delay when I asked her was…
“Do you have any idea just how much of a headache is waiting for me when we get back home?” the goddess groaned. “I’m with the ponies I love, and I intend to milk it for as much time as I can.”
Which I couldn’t really be mad at her for. Celestia still had a lot on her mind, even after our night together that was spent on other things. Although my little theory had given her some hope with Sunset’s situation, the goddess reeked of worry whenever she glanced at the human. On top of which there was the Luna problem that still plagued my solar pony princess.
I took a second to look at Celestia, Sunset, Luna, and the changelings escorting the human on top of five of the six mares the train was meant to house. Then I glanced at the single car that Tia’s new bullet train would be pulling. We were going to be sooooo fucking cramped.
“Rarity would you just shove your tongue down their throats so we could get going already?”
A few feet away from the train platform, I watched as Rarity bristled slightly at Rainbow’s comment, and turned to glare at her. “Rainbow please! As if a lady would-”
Whatever else Rarity was going to say was cut off when Cadence spoke up. “Well if you’re all in such a hurry.” The alicorn grabbed Rarity by her shoulder and spun the marshmallow mare around so quickly the unicorn lost her balance and fell into Cadence’s hooves as the pretty pink pony princess dripped her lover towards the ground while locking lips.
All of the ponies on the platform went silent, and I saw Twilight’s wings pop while Rarity moaned in response to Cadence’s oral attentions, and her cheeks bulged slightly in what I could only guess was a tongue wrestling match occurring between the two. When she was done, Cadence released Rarity from her lip lock, and I blinked at the small strand of spit linking their tongues for a brief instant before Cadence looked back to her husband and let Rarity stand upright. “Your turn Shiny.”
When Cadence had to prod the big white unicorn with her wing to get him to give Rarity a goodbye kiss, or knock him out of some sexual fantasy that involved his wife and mistress going at it, I scooted closer to Twilight. “Is it just me, or does the pony who wants Rarity and your brother to get together the most your brother’s wife?”
Twilight gave me a nervous laugh. “Well, she is the Alicorn of Love.”
“Yeesh Fairy,” Rainbow Dash cut in as she dropped down from the sky and landed between us. “It’s not like you and Celestia didn’t go at it like monkeys last night.” From the way Rainbow grumbled the m-word, I was pretty sure the pegasus wasn’t complimenting our rambunctiousness in bed.
From her place beside me, Celestia let out a very horse-like snort. “If only,” she mumbled. “We spent the night watching a human adaptation of A Song of Ice and Fire.”
The reminder that Equestria had it’s own little Game of Thrones made me roll my eyes. From Celestia’s reaction to things like Ned’s beheading, the pony version had a lot less in the way of decapitation, infidelity, and incest. Which made me wonder just how like the human one it really was.
“How was it?” Twilight asked.
To Celestia’s credit, I didn’t notice the biggest alicorn around cringe, even if I could Smell the distaste on her like a dirty sock. “It was very…human,” she replied evenly.
It was funny just how much a single word could convey. Although Tia had seen plenty of action movies before, I knew the level of violence depicted as entertainment was disturbing to her. Then there was the rest of her opinions about how things should have been done in the story we had just watched play through. I really doubted she would be coming back for another dose.
Thankfully, before Twilight could wrangle any actual details out of her, Rarity came trotting up with Cadence not very far behind and talking the marshmallow mare’s head off. “I’ll see you at the end of the week at the Wrap-up Festival, Rarity.”
The unicorn gave a little blush in response. “Cadence, you don’t have to make a special effort just to come see me for some end of the season celebration. I’m sure there are far more important duties to attend to here. ”
A much more together pony followed Cadence up and smiled down at Rarity while I…might have had a shiver run through my body from the sight of said pony prince charming thanks to that attractive pony shit Tia had put into my head. For all the good it did me when it came to appreciating female pony looks, I was really not liking the fact I might have had the tiniest attraction towards bright white stallions.
Which kind of explained Tia’s useless royal guard. The bastards were just eye candy for her royal high-ass.
“We were planning on going anyway,” Shining assured her. “Ever since Princess Celestia came to Ponyville for the last Festival, everypony has been planning to make it this huge event.”
I looked over to the biggest goddess around and arched an eyebrow. “So, it’s not like the Sun Celebration where you go from town to town?”
Tia shook her head. “No. I have no official duties during Summer Wrap-up,” she told me with her trademark gentle smile before it became mischievous. “I did take home the hoof-wrestling trophy though.”
“I got the rest,” Luna suddenly chimed in with a smirk on her face from her place beside us before she let out a yawn. From the looks of things, Lulu was up way past her bedtime.
A disgruntled grunt came from the pegasus beside me, and I caught a whiff of anger from Rainbow Dash before she mumbled something just loud enough to hear. “Well with somepony like her competing, what’d you expect?”
I…wasn’t exactly sure to back my Dashie’s dissatisfaction up or not. The one thing I kind of shared in common with most ponies was my opinion of sports. To me, they were a game. You go out and have fun, win or lose didn’t really matter; long as you didn’t come in dead last anyway.
But Rainbow was an athlete. Sports weren’t a game to her, they were her life, something to be taken seriously as Twilight took her tutelage under Celestia. Winning was practically part of her Talent.
Meanwhile Luna… well, she wasn’t just an alicorn. Twilight was an alicorn and Rainbow could still fly circles around her as well as pin the purple mare to the bed with raw strength. Luna was an alicorn connected to a secondary power source that put her a head above even other alicorns.
I knew this because I was currently feeding off the pony that was head and shoulders above everybody else. Even factoring in the different levels of love that Celestia and Twilight felt, there was a HUGE difference between their power levels.
So…while I couldn’t really get behind Dash being angry about losing…
Dash losing to a demi-goddess that was probably only winning a contest thanks to what was basically magical steroids? That ruffled my feathers. Even if it was Luna.
“Isn’t you competing against regular ponies a bit unfair though?” asked the darker princess with a little frown. Sure it was more than a just a bit unfair, but…once again, it was Luna. I could only get so mad at her even with Dash being distressed.
Celestia let out a low hum before she looked over to the other alicorn. “He has a bit of a point there sister. Perhaps this year, we should do something a bit different rather than romp with our little ponies.”
The suggestion got an eyebrow raise from Luna. “Oh? And what would that be dear sister?”
In response, Celestia gave a little shrug. “Well, I’m sure we can come up with something.”
The train ride back to Ponyville was a disturbing mix of uncomfortable and terrifying.
The uncomfortable came from the fact that Celestia’s new bullet train was made for one purpose: to transport six ponies to the various locations that could be reached by railway as fast as possible in case of emergencies. As they no longer wielded the Infinity Gems of Harmony, emergencies meant that five of the six girls would be shipped off to the most defensible place in Equestria in record time. Because of this, the train only had one car built for six ponies plus two emergency guests at most. And in that one car there stood nine creatures of normal pony size, a biped, one creature that was about fifty-percent bigger than the average pony, and another that was twice as big with an ass three times the norm. To say the thing was cramped was an understatement.
Me, Rainbow, Twilight and Tia were situated at the very back of the car with Rainbow on the bench next to me at the window seat while I had the aisle. Twilight was also seated near the aisle, mostly because our sun goddess was having to actually sit in the aisle just to my left thanks to the fact the benches weren’t built for her celestial-sized ass in mind. Applejack was on the bench in front of me and Dash, while Sunset had to curl up a bit to fit into the one in front of Twi. Then came Fluttershy on the left as she shared a seat with Trixie, and Pinkie took up the place on the right along with #1. At the very front of the car, Luna was also forced to endure the cold floor on her rear while Rarity shared a seat with #619, and Spike ended up on the other side of a drowsy Moonbutt with Sunset’s other servant.
Then there was the terrifying aspect of the train: it’s speed. As a glanced out the window and watched the scenery zip by, I could tell we were going at what should have been an impossible rate for something like an Equestrian train. Hell, nothing on the ground could move like we were going.
I looked over to Celestia as she sat next to me with her rump on the ground in the middle of the aisle at the back of the train. “Just how fast is this thing Tia?”
“The enchantments allow the Harmony Express to travel at speeds over two-hundred-fifty miles per hour Omnifarious. Why do you ask?”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. My mind was much more concerned with the fact that we were basically using a wild west rail to guide a bullet train. I had to use all my brainpower to remind myself that I lived in a world of magic, and there had to be some kind of spell keeping us from going off the tracks at the slightest turn or we would have died about ten times over since leaving the Crystal Empire. “Just…curious.”
Tia must have noticed my nervousness, because she bent down and nuzzled me a little. “Don’t worry. I wouldn’t put the ponies I love most in this world in here if I wasn’t certain it was safe.”
The physical contact helped, if only because it was a nuzzle. After three months, I still wasn’t quite used to the affectionate move that didn’t really have a human counterpart. Ponies and humans hugged, kissed, threw arms around each others backs, grabbed butts, and did a bunch of other things that crossed over well, but nuzzling was equines only. It was probably why I was so bad at it, and now that I had time to think about it…I realized both Twilight and Rainbow had tapered off on that form of pony affection in regards to me. It still happened from time to time, but I didn’t rub cheeks with either of them as much as they did with each other or Tia.
But with my fears of having to watch my friends die in a fiery death or hitting the walls of our train car at terminal velocity, I turned my attention to something else that had been troubling me since the night before. While Tia could have probably provided me with all the information I needed, she hadn’t been wanting to talk ponies, and the fact Sansa’s dog got killed because of Joffrey and her lying about what happened had the goddess in a mood. A foul kind of mood.
“So um girls,” I said with a little hesitation. “What’s up with Scootaloo and her not being able to fly?”
My question got the attention of the three female ponies sitting around me, with Rainbow turning away from the window she was looking out right next to me, Tia ending a little joke with Twilight in the middle of the punch line, and Twilight leaning over to look around Celestia’s impressive profile.
Twilight was the one who asked the obvious question…for the ponies anyway. “You mean you didn’t know that Scootaloo couldn’t fly?”
I gave Twilight a look that asked her in turn just how big of an idiot did she think I was, and then responded with some words. Slightly agitated words. “No! But every one back home thinks she’s just a slow learner or something.”
It wasn’t much of a defense since I now knew that My Little Pony was simply based off the universe I was in and not a cartoon brought to life. Everything really wasn’t picture perfect. There was still crime, personal problems, pollution, and of a few other things that also plagued humanity. They just weren’t as prevalent as they were on Earth. Equestria was just…twenty-percent less than utopia.
“It happens to ponies sometimes.”
Sunset’s voice drew my attention and I glanced over at the human who had managed to poke her head past our little privacy screen that filtered out some of the sound. It was apparently rude to do but…it was also the only way the four of us could have some semblance of privacy.
“Humans have it too. Just think of it like a magical birth defect,” the human went on before turning a little nervous. The reaction was kind of understandable considering the fact that Sunset had her own unicorn disability at the moment.
But she managed to keep talking about it. “Sometimes its mystical leakage, or a horn that can’t do anything but be used at full power, making a unicorn clumsy with their magic and easily tired out. I’m not really sure what’s wrong with Scootaloo though.”
For that explanation, Twilight stepped in. She spoke in a dull tone, as if just reading something off a page. “She can’t generate any lift with her wings.”
That bit, I understood, if just from hanging around Rainbow and my own changeling-granted knowledge of pegasus magic. Although a few pounds lighter than most other ponies on average, pegasi weighed way too much for wings of their size to get them off the ground. It was a fact Rainbow had helped me test more than once when she took the top position in bed and…humped me.
The explanation for the ‘fuck you’ to science was once again that ever so all encompassing Equestrian thing called magic. When pegasi flapped their wings, some magical component to their flight helped them generate more force, or lift, or…something. It wasn’t as simple as just making herself lighter though. Rainbow had carried multiple ponies at breakneck speeds that wouldn’t have been possible if the wind could have blown her around like a leaf.
But the why wasn’t really important to me at the moment. The thing that was…
“But can’t you guys just do something to fix it?” I asked in what most people could have called a pleading tone. Sure, I may not have any personal interest in Scootaloo besides the pity I would have had to any little girl confined to a wheelchair, but that was more than enough to try and get the Goddess of the Sun involved. “The two of you are alicorn’s for crying out loud!”
When both of the goddesses turned their eyes away from me, it was Rainbow that came in to save their sorry asses. “Come on Fairy, do you think I haven’t already asked them that?” she said, making me look back to the pegasus sitting beside me with a sad expression on her face. “I asked Twilight when I found out about Scoots, after she became an alicorn, and I even asked Celestia on our first date when you and Twilight were doing stuff in the bathroom.”
Twilight looked up with a hurt expression. “It’s not that I don’t want to do something about it Rainbow! It’s just…”
“Pony magic isn’t meant to make the…well, the unnatural. It is meant to work in harmony with the world, not go against it,” Celestia added.
I gave both the royals a half-lidded glare. “Yeah, cause Twilight turning animals into oranges, you making stuff just appear out of thin air, or me shrinking Rainbow Dash down to something that can stand on my hoof is completely in tune with the way things are supposed to be.”
While Twilight blushed at the mention of the oranges, Celestia shook her head and sighed. “I know it upsets you my love, but it is just the way things are,” she told me with a gentle sadness. “It takes a great deal of magic to create something from nothing, and no matter what something looks like on the outside, those animals were still what they were before their transmutation.” Then the goddess smiled and looked past me. “And no matter her size, our little Rainbow was still herself, right?”
Rainbow groaned. “Please don’t get any ideas. Fluttershy wouldn’t stop talking about how adorable I was for days.”
“And Omnifarious,” Celestia cut in, the soft seriousness of her voice and Scent holding my attention while the delightful smell of sadness came off of her in waves. “Do you think that if I could, I would have done something already? Not just for that little one, but for all my little ponies that suffer from conditions that inhibit them so?”
I had the decency to shrink in on myself a little bit at that. Not that I had really meant to accuse Celestia of sitting on her ass when she could have helped a little pony. But…judging by how she was talking, that was how she was taking it.
“My magic can mend the broken, restore feathers and even whole limbs and organs should I come across the damage soon enough,” the goddess went on. “But in ponies like Rainbow Dash’s little charge…there is nothing I can do. It was simply how they were born. Dwelling on it…concentrating on what she can’t do…it does nothing but cause mystery to everypony involved. Best to focus on what is possible for her, where true destiny lies, than wishing for something that isn’t there.”
While I might have agreed with some of what Celestia said…with how some people, or ponies, needed to accept the way things were and move on, the D word made me need to repress a groan. And so did the whole giving up thing, especially when I looked over to Sunset Shimmer.
There was a crippled unicorn that Celestia was practically doing back flips to try and help. And once we did fix Sunset, it was pretty obvious Tia would be doing her best to put the future quadruped on a throne once she glued some wings to her back. Not that I was resentful or angry over Celestia’s actions involving the teen with the bacon hair, but…it just didn’t seem fair that Tia was certain she’d be able to fix Sunset’s problems while another little girl was going to be going without what made her a pegasus and Tia didn’t even bother to try.
Stupid destiny shit.
The whole conversation put me in such a bad mood that I just kind of put myself into the back of the conversation as Twilight and Celestia talked about princess stuff. Most of it had to do with all the junk that was still left to do back in Canterlot.
Although reports said the ponies had gotten back into the city with little trouble, Celestia had gotten dozens of letters from various nobles that had attended the coronation demanding various things like some kind of upper class escape procedure that was faster than that of the commoners, if not some type of personal conveyance in the case of some idiots. Then there were the other letters demanding that airships never again be commandeered to transport the ponies that were too sick and injured to move from the hospital as they did things like dirty up the deck with their commoner-ness (which was apparently a word in Equestria) and left the place smelling of antiseptic. All concerns that she would have to address once she got home.
All of which mattered diddly to me in light of the real problem Celestia was facing back in Canterlot. And in my sour mood at her impotence in being able to help Scootaloo…I decided to bring it up.
“So, any plans with how to deal with the Luna situation?”
My question made Celestia flinch and…that little response might have killed what was left of my anger for the flightless pegasus problem. Angry or not, it wasn’t like I enjoyed nettling Celestia. Even if she did need to get poked in the emotionally sensitive spots from time to time.
Celestia sighed and shook her head before looking up at her little sister, laying down for a nap on the other end of the train car next to Pinkie Pie; who could somehow get through the little crowded room on wheels with no apparent trouble. “What can I do?” she asked in a sad voice.
“What happened to that stuff I said?” Rainbow Dash cit in. “You’re you and she’s her?”
A second later, Celestia perked up a little and looked over to Rainbow Dash with a smile. “Oh my darling little Rainbow. I know you said not to project my own dislikes onto Luna,” the goddess replied while Rainbow’s face got a little confused at Celestia’s interpretation of her words. “And you are right about that. But…it’s not so simple.”
Celestia let out another sigh and went on. “Even if Luna were to enjoy the prospect of ruling Equestria…the subtleties of court and personal quirks of the nobles takes a decade to learn. Equestria has lasted as long as it has because I am able to guide those in charge of Canterlot in the direction I need them to go without them even knowing about it. A word here, a suggestion there, my appearance at a party, each move is carefully planned to keep Equestria running smoothly.”
And considering Celestia’s apparent foresight, I could imagine she was able to do such things with precision. Although...her confession to being a master manipulator was a little disturbing.
“Luna is…not as subtle,” she mumbled before a small smirk appeared on her face. “As wrong as it sounds…I think my actions do more to protect the nobility from her than they do to guard Luna from them. Once again, I find myself choosing my country over my sister.”
A slight shift in the alicorn’s seating posture made me look past her to see Twilight had wrapped the larger goddesses foreleg in a supporting embrace. “Oh Princess no!” my purple pony told her quietly. “You just want what’s best for everypony.”
Dash gave me a measuring look for a second, and then flew over me to wrap her forelegs around Celestia‘s neck. “Even the lame ones.”
Not about to be the one left out, I reached over and grabbed Celestia’s other front leg, and laid my head up against her while being as careful as possible to keep out from under Dash. Just because the nudity didn’t bother me didn’t mean I wanted a pony butt directly over my head.
Outside of the bedroom I mean.
Of course our little group hug didn’t go unnoticed by every other pony on the train, and I was the one who had to deal with the crowd before they started going ‘daaaawww’ or something. So I dispelled the sound dampening spell and frowned at the others who were smiling at our little moment. “Oh take a picture, it’ll last longer!”
And…well…you know those saying about big mouths, watching your words, and all that.
In response to my…less than intelligent quip that had a lot less heat than what I would have yelled at humans, Pinkie brightened up the train with a huge grin on her face. “Great idea!” she said before reaching into her poof of a mane and pulling out a camera. “Saaaaaay ménages a trois!”
“Pinkie, that’s only for three-” Twilight managed to get out before I was blinded by the flash of Pinkie’s ancient pony-camera and the rest of my purple pretty pony princess’s words were cut off by a surprised cry from what I guessed was her own optical deficiency.
While we three little ponies were recovering from retinal damage, the horse we were holding onto let out a thoughtful hum. “You know, Ms Pie has a point. We really should be putting some of these moments on film to help serve as reminders of all the times we’ve shared.”
And thanks to the fact that my mind worked in some pretty dark ways, I couldn’t help but picturing Celestia a century or two from now, looking down at a worn photo album filled with pictures of the four of us. The whole thing made me look away from Tia and clench my teeth. No! Bad brain! Stop thinking about shit like that and…ugh, I really need to ask Zecora if she’s got an eternal youth potion or something. I didn’t give a damn about the moral implications of artificially extending the lifespan of the girls a few million years. There was no way in Hell, Heaven, Tartarus, and whatever else kind of afterlife there was that I was going to wake up one day to a wrinkled Rainbow Dash that nearly broke into tears every time I flapped my wings because she was too old to do it too.
“Is something wrong Fae?”
The question made me look up, a direction that Rainbow had thankfully vacated since Pinkie finished with her picture, and over to Twilight. “Huh?”
“You had one of your looks on your face, and I was wondering if something was wrong,” the purple alicorn said with that cute little curious face she usually wore when being concerned and inquisitive at the same time. The one with her lips pressed together just a tiny bit, not enough for a kiss, but not her normal look either.
I just crammed my ‘I’m going to end up immortal and alone except for the one or maybe two girlfriends that are also immortal with the possibility of Cadence also joining the mix if she was still around too but probably not since Luna and Celestia would never be getting together and with Cady and Twily kind of being sisters that incest stuff wouldn’t be happening to them either’ and my ‘I’m going to end up being immortal and alone except for Celestia since Twilight will grow old like all the other ponies’ worries off to the side. That was stuff that could be dealt with in plenty of time.
Not that there was even all that much to worry about anyway. Even if Zecora, Celestia, Discord, and whatever the fuck else was out there didn’t have an answer for keeping the girls around, I had my own solution. There were a few risks involved for my part, and even if staying together with two of the girls I slept with would be a little…weird, I would rather have them around in a platonic way than not at all.
“Fae?”
Twilight calling my name made me shake such thoughts from my head for real this time. Plan C was just in case of emergencies anyway.
I smiled back at Twilight. “Sorry, I was just thinking of the four of us starting a scrapbook or something,” I replied before another little concern dug its way into my mind and I grit my teeth while turning my eyes away from Celestia in discomfort. “You guys are going to want a picture of me in my coronation dress, aren’t you?”
“With your crown, and the make-up,” Celestia told me with a tiny mischievous smile on her face that I caught when I looked back up to her. Then her eyes turned all apologetic. “”You did look very beautiful my love. It would be a shame not to have something personal to hold onto. Especially since it is the last dress you ever plan to wear.”
Surrounded by ponies, and after seeing Rarity take a particular interest in my response upon hearing of the fact I would be putting on that gown she made again, I lowered my head in defeat. “Just make sure to get my good side, okay?”
Celestia giggled in her usual melodious way. “Okay, but we’ll need more than just pictures of your plot if we want to show them to other ponies.”
I groaned and wondered how much longer it would be till we got to Canterlot.
And of course, the trip to Canterlot took way longer than I was hoping.
Thankfully, Celestia kept the sexual comments to a minimum after her opening barrage. In fact, most of my time was spent listening in on the half-conversation that occurred between Spike and Rarity after the dragon finally got around to talking to the unicorn. Even Rainbow managed to shut up and take interest.
However, the whole thing ended up being more than a bit of a disappointment. Mostly because it went something like this…
“Uh…hello Rarity,” Spike said after over half an hour of being in the seat on the other side of the aisle from her. “I um…I wanted to um…apologize.”
The final word made the unicorn’s attentions go from half-hearted to full. “Apologize? What? Whatever are you talking about?” she asked. And before Spike got his answer out, Rarity just continued blabbering on. “I’m the one who should be apologizing for not sitting you down and ending this foolishness with your crush before it got as far as it did.”
But then Spike quickly gave his retort. “No it’s my fault! I mean…when I really think about it like Twilight told me to…you’re twice my age Rarity! You make look pretty, but you’re an old nag on paper!” I didn’t even need to see Rarity’s face to know that her eye had started twitching like crazy. “And what do we even have in common besides gems?”
“Yes…well…” Rarity replied before she turned back onto her seat all the way. “I’m glad we…got that settled.”
Oh God, I’m going to have to hear her go on about this for an hour when I visit the boutique, aren’t I? I asked myself with a groan while wondering how long Rarity would complain about her age. On top of which, I’d be needing to bring some chocolates and ice cream for the unicorn to stuff her face with too. Sometimes, having her as a best friend totally sucked.
But then again, my other choices were a trio of unattached girls who were… Well, Pinkie was definitely the kind of girl you wanted to get your hands on and squeeze. Applejack probably had tons of stamina. And I could get wet just thinking about Fluttershy thanks to the curse Celestia put on me. So, while Rarity was the most high-maintenance, she was also the least likely to get the idea into her head that making a fivesome was better than my current sleeping arrangements with three other ponies.
And considering what happened with my three other best friends…yeah, no way in hell was I risking adding onto the group like that.
I just sat, enjoying the silence for a good ten seconds before Twilight and Celestia started talking shop. Mirror shop, which made Sunset join in. I understood about five seconds of what was going on before my brain reminded me that when it came to magic, I was one of the guys that just figured out how to work it, not how it works. Which was why I was still stuck in the size-alteration school of transformation magic.
So I found something else to occupy my time. That being the mare in front of me. As for what to talk about, I went with the obvious. “So Applejack, how’s the farm and family?”
AJ looked back at me and shrugged. “Same as ever. Applebloom was a mite put off ‘bout not getting to come to the coronation, but we need to hurry and get ready fer the Fall harvest. All that cider makin’ means we’re a bit short on our winter stores this year, and need to work hard to play catch up.”
Or at least the first Fall harvest, which would probably be followed by another one about a month later. Even though I knew next to nothing about apple trees before moving to Equestria, I was pretty damn sure that level of fruit production was impossible according to human rules.
Although, it did explain why nine times out of ten I saw AJ hauling apples and asking for help when it came to harvesting, even if only a year had passed since Twilight had come to Ponyville. Despite the lack of a horn or wings that shouldn’t hold them aloft, earth ponies liked to cheat just as much as unicorns and pegasi.
Then, I Smelled Applejack get a little nervous, and she glanced over at Celestia while the nerds spoke their secret lingo for a second before turning her eyes back to us “Mind if Ah ask you two something?”
I put on my best reassuring smile. “Of course Applejack. You can talk to me about anything.” It had taken forever for me to get that idea across to Rainbow, the one where I wouldn’t judge or laugh at her for having ‘uncool’ thoughts or questions. The rest of the girls, not so much.
“What’s it like?” she asked a little hesitantly. “Bein’ with Twilight and Celestia, with the two of ya too, I mean.”
My mind went to a very dirty place for a second there, and then I sat back to seriously consider the question. “Well-”
“It’s awesome!” Dash said as she cut me off before I could get more than word one. And it was the whole ten yards enthusiastic cut off too, where she just sprang up and completely blocked me with her wing. “Okay, Twilight? She’s like, super enthusiastic, and is just getting better and better. It was kinda weird to have to tell her how everything really was if she starts asking questions, but Twilight does stuff different the next time around to make it better!”
I froze after hearing Dash’s little description. Oh my God, is she…
“And Fae?” Rainbow kept going. “Applejack, you have got to do it with a changeling at least once. When you like, hit your limit…nothing feels as good. Sweet Celestia, nothing even comes close. And yeah, that saying? Totally spot on.”
She is, I realized, too stunned by my horror at the situation to actually make her stop. Plus, the complement might have had me blushing a little too hard to shut Rainbow up with my magic.
“But Celestia? She is like… Twilight says her tongue is so big, it feels like there’s a stallion inside when she does you. But you know, better because she can wiggle her tongue around,” the pegasus said before she put her ass back on the cushiony seat and smiled. “And don’t get me started on all the magic stuff she can do.”
And by that time, Rainbow Dash finally seemed to take notice of the fact that Applejack’s face had become redder than that of her brother’s, and every other conversation on the train had come to a complete stop so that all the ponies could give Rainbow their looks of interest, indignation, and other words that started with the letter I.
“R-RAINBOW!” Twilight shrieked at a pitch I barely ever heard outside of the bedroom.
Celestia laughed and leaned over to Applejack with her troll crown on. “As for Rainbow Dash. She’s very enthusiastic and eager to please, although I have to admit that her inexperience and lack of stamina tends to work against my little pegasus,” she added with a smile.
As for me, I was kind of paralyzed from a simple little thought running through my brain. Something Rainbow had said made me relive every moment headed to pony nirvana I had spent thanks to Celestia’s masterful attentions that were better than both of the other girls combined. It really was a hell of a lot different than either Rainbow or Twilight, and yeah, her tongue was a hell of a lot bigger than the main mouth muscle that either of the girls carried.
I reached out for support, and wrapped both of my forelegs around the pony-arm of the pegasus next to me before leaning into her completely like the helpless chick in need of comfort I probably appeared to be to most ponies. “W-What do you mean it’s like having a stallion inside of you?”
Have I mentioned how much being an empath sucks?
Yeah, there’s some good points to it. I can usually tell when someone is lying, always know when they’re hiding something, and nothing beats the feeling of actually Smelling how much the people around you love each other. It took me months to learn all the Scents, but it was worth it.
However, the bad times usually end up being what I focus on because…well, it's hard as hell to ignore when someone else is feeling down when you're usually the one responsible. I wouldn’t go so far as I made Tia depressed on our little train ride back, but after hearing she had basically been using her tongue like a certain guy’s only anatomy part…all she had done was both worry over me.
And Luna.
On top of Sunset.
“Is it really that bad?”
My whole body shuddered at Celestia’s question as me and the goddesses of day and night walked through the Canterlot Palace gates with Twilight, Rainbow and Spike trailing behind a few feet. After Rainbow’s little explanation of our herd sex life, the dragon had started asking questions and the alicorn had spent the last ten minutes of the ride explaining the birds and the breezies to him as Tia put it. And since Rainbow was the ‘dad’ of their little nuclear family, she had decided to put her two bits into the explanation too.
Of course Sunset was there too. But she and Luna were having their own little conversation that seemed to only be happening to help keep Moonie awake.
As for why the three of us were in Canterlot at all, while the rest of the gang had taken the magical bullet train back to Ponyville for various reasons, Twilight had managed to wrangle me and Dash into saying goodbye to Tia where we were suppose to drop her off…and then casually mentioned that she had promised her parents a sit down with the pegasus that was banging their daughter. Since the princess’s mom and dad were taking an airship back home, they wouldn’t be in till dinner, and that meant we were all stuck in Snob Town until after dark.
Something told me that I would be needing every moment to help me get over the fact that I had basically been getting fucked by Celestia’s tongue. Or repress the memory into a deep, dark place and never let it out again.
…even if it had been the best sex I had ever had.
……bipedal included.
The question itself did manage to get a rise out of me though. It probably also helped that we were behind a vocal privacy screen so the little school ponies that were busy gawking at the four princesses walking past them couldn’t hear what I was about to say.
“YES!” I shouted at Celestia before getting into the air to look at her in the eyes. Even as thick as she was, Rainbow really knew how important a height advantage was when arguing.
Although me looking at her in the face didn’t really seem to distress Tia any more than she already was. Which was a lot. Part of me just wanted to roll over and accept the latest loss to my masculinity in what was already a long list of man-death. But…
“It’s just…it just another thing in the whole gender-bender stuff, and I didn’t even know it was happening this time, ” I told her miserably.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Luna and Sunset went over to talk to the kids before Tia gave me a concerned look. “I can stop if you want. If it makes you uncomfortable, just give me the word and it will be over. There are a million ways to share our love Omnifarious, I can refrain from that one if you so wish.”
Of course that was the problem.
A part of me. A big part. The part that I was pretty sure held a controlling interest in my decision-making process…didn’t want it to end. Celestia was fucking awesome in bed…even if it was me she was...fucking.
With that little revelation, I dropped out of the sky and hung my head. All in all, I blame this whole thing on the ponies. I mean, I started watching some show meant for little girls because I was bored one day and there was nothing else I could really stomach watching thanks to my mood. Then I got addicted to it. Then I turned into one. And now I’m having sex like one…sort of.
Stupid slippery slopes.
So I let out a sigh of defeat and looked up at Tia. “No it’s fine. I mean, I really do enjoy being with you like that,” I added after my cheeks got a little hot.
Our conversation was cut off when we reached the palace gates and Luna decided to rejoin us along with Twilight’s party. But before we could make our way inside, one of the guards stepped up and addressed the tallest goddess.
“Princess Celestia, Prince Blueblood commands that you report to him in the royal audience chamber.”
The…command the guard just gave his goddess made us all just stop cold. I think even Luna’s hair stood still while her head tilted in confusion. However, her mouth was still able to move. “Pardon?” she asked as a frown formed on her face. Lulu apparently got cranky when someone got her up from her nap.
Looks like someone just pulled latrine duty for the next ten years, I told myself as my mouth curved upward into a smirk at Luna’s anger. Twilight didn’t seem to be all that happy about it either, and Rainbow was practically fuming.
But before any of them could do anything, the biggest pony in the world stepped forward. I took in her scent and winced. Celestia just Smelled…tired. She let out a grunt of a sigh and nodded. “Very well. Best to get this out of the way before anything important comes along.”
As we fell into line behind the guard, Rainbow got into the air and frowned. “Who the hay does he think he is talking that way to Tia?”
Luna let out a single ‘heh’ and I noticed a bit of her anger turn into amusement. “Well obviously not a pony who ranks as much as a paramour, to use my sister’s name with such familiarity.”
“Luna please,” Celestia mumbled. “I would appreciate if you didn’t nettle my lovers.”
The other alicorn’s face became a tiny smirk. “Oh sister, I am simply following your example.”
That actually got a bit of surprise to radiate from Tia, and she turned her head to look over to Luna. “Excuse me?”
“I’ll explain everything later,” Luna replied with a dismissive wave of her hoof as we reached the door to the royal audience chamber. “For now, let us see what the overgrown foal wants with you.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow at Luna, then shook her head and looked towards the opening doors. “It’s probably just him wanting to make a big deal out of nothing. I assigned him a simple task before the coronation and he probably just wants as big a pat on the head as he can…” Tia trailed off as the golden doors leading to the audience chamber opened, and the goddess frowned. “Why is he on my throne?”
I’ll admit that I didn’t pick up on that little fact until after Celestia said it because…well, form an aesthetics and economics standpoint, the Canterlot throne room is pretty fucking amazing. I had clings that went nearly on hundred feet high, marble columns, golden decor and all the stain glass windows were big enough to drive a train through. But in my defense, not noticing something you’d rather ignore with all the cool stuff around isn’t that big a deal.
And yea, Blueblood wasn’t standing off to the side, waiting to be called like a good little boy that had just gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time ever. He was sitting in the seat meant for an ass twice as big as the one he possessed, flanked by a pair of guards and a few other ponies I only half recognized thanks to #4’s presence in Canterlot and the information he filed away in the hive mind.
Aside from Blueblood and the guards, four other ponies stood up on the dais with the idiot. There was Lined Pockets, Special Privilege, Noble Lineage, and another pony known simply as Entitled. The whole lineup made me want to groan. As members of Blueblood’s social club, they were just as bad a complaining about everything while doing nothing as their de facto leader. Someone who I think only got the job because he had more money and connections than the others. Other times, I was pretty sure he could out-wine Rarity.
The little scene made me just about as confused as Tia. But I kept my mouth shut and followed my big girlfriend into the room as her confusion slowly turned to anger. By the time she had gotten to the usual place where a petitioner presented himself, I could Smell it had come to a nice boil. “What are you doing on my throne Blueblood?”
Tia’s voice lacked any of its usual warmth. It had been replaced with a cold anger that, in all honesty, just sounded creepy coming from the most loving being I had ever encountered.
“Ah yes, Auntie,” Blueblood addressed his goddess in a tone that just said ‘I’m talking down to you now bitch’. “While I was perusing the Canterlot Archives as per your…foolish assignment, I happened upon an ancient piece of Equestrian law.”
A second later, the dickhead’s horn lit up, and an old parchment flew out from behind him to unfurl within his magic. “Apparently, when Equestria was founded, the superior minds of the Unicorn Kingdom saw the danger of having a mixed pony leading the nation and wrote in a law to the original Equestrian Accords that allows the eldest of the unicorn royal line the right to deem both of you unfit for the position as leaders of Equestria.”
I…could only stand there dumbfounded for a moment at Blueblood’s announcement. And judging by the thump I heard from behind me, even Rainbow found herself unable to keep her wings flapping.
But even though my body refused to move, my mind managed to keep going. Mostly because I had something to fight the disbelief that was going through me over the situation. A few days ago when I had been a blubbering mess over my upcoming princess position, Celestia had told me that the title was given to ponies who were more or less protectors of the realm, not rulers. Any actual political power came at the behest of the ponies Celestia ruled, not from the fact she was the driving force of their solar system.
Which meant…Blueblood’s little find might actually be a legitimate check to her rule.
Once again, it was Luna who came to her senses out of all of us first. And she did with all the power and fury of a demigod that just got talked down to by an ant. The room suddenly got a lot darker while dropping a few degrees, and the Alicorn of the Night stepped forward while throwing her wings wide.
“USURPER! YOU DARE TO TRY AND USE OUR-”
Then Celestia stepped in front of her and threw her even larger wings wide, blocking Luna’s face. “Sister! I am trying to put this-this, disgrace in his proper place!”
Celestia looked back at Luna with a cold expression for just a second before the warmth in her eyes returned. “One moment Luna,” Tia told her before she turned her head back to look at Blueblood. “I would like to know our nephew’s grievances.”
“Grievances?” one of the other snobbish ponies yelled.
“You take our priceless airships and fill them with disgusting rabble!” another shouted.
“You give earth ponies titles of nobility just for making towns where they got at it like minotaurs!” another unicorn added.
“You always take the last slice of cake at parties!” the last of Blueblood’s cronies said. Which made all the other ponies in the room look at him with questioning expressions. “Well, they took all the good ones!”
Blueblood cleared his throat. “Yes, well…because of this and several other reasons we need not go into any further…I, as the head of the original unicorn royal line, have decided to remove you from your unwarranted position as a princess of Equestria.”
“You can’t do that!” Rainbow shouted before she was yanked back down by Twilight. Probably because she looked about ready to rearrange Blueblood’s face into something resembling one of those artistic genres that crapped out stuff which didn’t look anything like it was supposed to.
After the pegasus stopped her struggles, Twilight stopped her magical glow and went to her usual thing: the lecture. “Rainbow! I’d like to turn this loudmouth into a newt myself for the way he’s talking to Princess Celestia,” she whispered fiercely. “But this is Canterlot! Let the Princess do her thing.”
As for the Princess herself…Tia stood there calmly while…well…let’s just say she didn’t Smell as calmly as she looked. “And you, nephew? What is your reasoning behind this farce?”
“This is not a farce!” Blueblood shouted back.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes it is. You cite a law without even bothering to take into account the fact that-”
Celestia clearing her throat, stopped Luna before she could finish. “And your reasoning boy?”
“Because you’re a pathetic excuse for a proper royal pony!” Blueblood shouted before he pointed his hoof at Celestia. “You invite commoners to events meant only for the greatest of ponies! You even put a crown on two of them! You let that-that animal stay at the castle and even prepared a room for it, and refused to have the mare responsible for turning me into one of them for a night placed in the dungeons where she belongs! Then you go and make her royalty too! You constantly give the riffraff things like tax breaks, and encourage ponies to help with foolish things, like making us pay for hospitals, orphanages, and guard stations in the deepest of gutters where no Canterlot pony would dare go for fear of their…stench lingering on our noble coats! Under your rule the…mud ponies and sky farmers have even started moving to Canterlot to do more than clean our sewers.”
Then, Blueblood passed for what I guess was some dramatic effect, and pointed his hoof over to Luna and Sunset. “And worst of all, you let that monster back into our midst!” he finally proclaimed. “She doesn’t belong in Canterlot! She doesn’t even belong in Equestria! And the fact that she’s here instead of rotting in a dark jail cell is proof that you should be stripped of your crown and cast out of our city!”
I think it was the comment about…well, both Luna and Sunset fit the bill of who he was describing, so…Celestia got hit with a double whammy there. But whoever the comment was meant for…it was definitely what set her off.
Before, I had thought I had seen Celestia angry. I had definitely Smelled the emotion coming from her plenty of times before. She had just as many emotions as anybody else, no matter where that person or pony lived.
But there was a big difference between feeling something, and letting it out.
The air around Celestia kind of got all wavy, the way that an intense heat source makes things seem. Which probably explained why it felt like someone had turned the room into a freaking sauna. And when she spoke…
“I…see,” Celestia said slowly while tiny flames that I could barely make out just sparked to life around her for a second before dying out. The goddess’s legs shook, and her folded wings twitched before she frowned at the unicorn. “And I suppose you waited until anypony who might knock you upside your head was in the Crystal Empire for Omnifarious’s coronation before you…dared…to do something like this?”
Blueblood stomped his hoof onto the padded seat of Celestia’s throne. “I have made my declaration, and all the important ponies of Canterlot, will agree with it!” Although just who he and Celestia considered important probably differed quite a bit.
Celestia just…stood there for a moment, taking in deep breaths through her nose and snorting out bits of flame. “I have ruled Equestria alone for a thousand years,” she said evenly. “I have given all of you everything you have, everything of myself, and time and time again have chosen to even give those I love in sacrifice to Equestria. To place those that I love in danger, for Equestria, and deny myself true pleasure because it might interfere with my duties to Equestria.
“And every generation, I find ponies like you crawling out of the lap of luxury to demand more of everypony but yourselves,” she went on. “And every generation, I find a few that are willing to see the proper path to do things, to understand that their titles exist to provide the ponies under them with opportunity, and a chance for prosperity, a better life. And then I find ponies who follow your path. Ones that will not work for a better tomorrow, but somehow believe the purpose of the ponies beneath them is to only elevate themselves higher.
“I tell myself that they’re not the norm, that ponies…even ponies like you can be shown the light. And every year, I find more and more ponies like you. Ponies I spend every waking moment of my life excusing and plotting for, so you don’t feel too hurt or insulted when things don’t go your way. Ponies I try to guide and nurture with wisdom, only to see my lessons cast aside.
“I neglect my sister after promising myself that I would always be there for her because of ponies like you,” Tia growled. “My daughter is unable to return to Canterlot out of fear of ponies like you mocking her! Our entire race is on the verge of a population upheaval thanks to the over-harvesting of alchemical reagents on the orders of ponies like you, who want to have as many stallions as possible so they can all fight it out for a bunch of meaningless words added to the back of their names!”
Celestia spread her wings that looked to be made more of fire than feathers and stomped into the carpet before smoke rose from her hooves. “I have even done something unforgivable to Luna because I…I was protecting ponies like you…from HER!” she shouted before going back down to a normal volume. “And this is what you and your friends do?!
“You take this chance I have offered, and waste it,” the goddess went on. “You take your responsibilities, and ignore them. And you take my faith in you...and destroy it.
“So…fine. You win,” she said through gritted teeth. “I will no longer push my loved ones aside, or let them suffer because of my inability to act against ponies like you. I will no longer shelter you from the consequences of your actions, or spend entire days cleaning up the messes those actions cause! I will no longer berate my own sister for the ideas on how to deal with ponies like you.”
And a second later, the flames died down, and Celestia let out a little laugh. It was...disturbing. Not creepy like her ice cold voice had been. It was just...wrong. Like it was happy and sad at the same time. “Although...I think I should take you for one small thing nephew. Without this, I wouldn’t have seen the perfect way to help Luna, to give me the opportunity to help my daughter, and finally give the ponies I love all the attention they deserve.”
Another laugh followed, and I gulped before Tia kept going. “And if you want me gone, there is no need for you to try and enact that useless law.”
The goddess reached up and took the crown from her head. She looked at it for a moment, and I saw it turn red-hot in her grip before she tossed it away as hard as she could. It made Blueblood shriek and jump for cover as it flew a foot over the head of where he had been to impact the wall like a blazing comet.
“BECAUSE I QUIT!”