//------------------------------// // The Ambiguous Death of Opal Bloom // Story: Berryshine's Crystal Empire Adventure // by Wise Cracker //------------------------------// Berryshine followed the trail of loose sheep, once she'd gotten past the second circle of the city. Whole herds of small, tiny little sheep with beady eyes and glossy coats grazed freely on the hills, undisturbed by the hoofful of Crystal ponies, former herders, no doubt, who wandered around at random. The farms were what Berry was thinking of, though. If this King Sombra character had separated the children of the Empire from the adults, he had to put them somewhere, she figured that much. Even if he used child labour, there had to be some sort of system to keep track of the little ones. There had to be some place where they were kept. She stopped when she reached the outskirts of the residential area. A statue had caught her attention: that of a little pony foal standing on its hind hooves, set up on a street corner. She'd seen a few of those statues around, actually, most of them other street corners, and always surrounded by crystal shards cut into triangles, like they were standing in the middle of a bear trap. It looked like the pedestal's shards were supposed to keep vermin from crawling up to the statue, but why those statues had it and not the griphon or princess statues by the public buildings, she could only guess. Must have been a cultural thing. She brushed the thought aside. If it was part of Crystal pony culture, it would help them remember. Best not to interfere with it, then. She reached the edge of the suburbs and walked into the meadows proper, where even more sheep were running around. A couple of fields had barbed wire around them, though, so it was obvious these sheep weren't wild. And even here, she saw the same sorts of statues in the distance, all marking the edges of a street. They weren't on all the corners, though. Maybe they ran out of whatever material the things were made of. Berry trotted over to the first building that looked vaguely like a stable, though with the crystals replacing so much of the wood that was a bit of a stretch. Her heart pounded as she opened the door to the stable. She poked her head in, gulping in terror. What if there weren't any kids here? What if there were, and they were hurt, or worse? "Hello?" No answer came. Berry pushed against the heavy door to let some light into the shed. She caught a shape in the corner of her eye and walked towards it. It looked like a filly, going by the bow. "Hi, there. No need to be scared, I'm here to help." Her heart sank when she saw what she was talking to. She hadn't found the children of the Empire after all, just a misplaced statue, identical to the ones outside. Same model, same material, different pose. Sombra must have tried to plunder these things when he enslaved the adults. The material looked precious enough for it, now that she saw it up close. It was well crafted, she had to admit. Tsss... Berry's ears perked at the hissing sound. On a whim, she pushed open the door to let the light flood the stable. Every little stall was the same: hay, water, and a statue of a filly. The place must have been a smithy or a smashing ground when Sombra was in charge, or a warehouse. "Weird." She sat down and thought. The kids weren't wandering around, but the adults were, and the adults tended to stick to places they remembered vaguely. Kids wouldn't wander to a school or a library, she figured that much. And the farms were the only places that were likely to turn into prisons when corrupted, except for actual prisons. Now there was a thought. Did Crystal ponies have Crystal prisons? But that train of thought didn't make any sense, either. If Sombra had a prison, he'd have had wardens. Even assuming he'd corrupted or enslaved some adults to keep the children locked away, those adults should now be back to normal and letting the kids out. Tsss... Again, that hissing sound came. Berry opened the latch of the first stall she'd found and inspected the statue more closely. It was definitely the same style as she'd seen outside, at least the statues of foals. The griphon statues outside the library were clearly not made by the same hooves. This statue, and its many neighbours, was made of a grey marble, with little sparkles along the surface. Unlike the griphon statues, this one wasn't stylised as much. The eyes were clearly visible, or rather the eyesockets. The eyelashes were fragile-looking outgrowths of stone, and the eyebrows were marked by little outcroppings. It must have taken a very steady hoof to make this one, or any of them. It looked like an individual, pure and simple, and going by the details on the rest Berry could only guess these were part of a set of some sorts, maybe made to commemorate some catastrophe. Yes, that had to be it. The Crystal ponies must have made these things to commemorate some disaster that killed their children en masse, probably an epidemic, or a run-in with one of the ancient pipers that preyed on children. No wonder Sombra had hidden most of them away: these things must have had some major emotional and cultural value to the Crystal ponies. That explained why they surrounded the things with crystal edges, too: to keep any rats away. Lots of plagues were carried by rats, after all. It all made sense, seeing these things up close. The one in front of her, right in the first stall, unsettled Berry, though, and it took her a while to figure out why. It looked like Applejack's little sister, right down to the little bow. Berry bit her lip. The farm was a dead end, obviously. Nothing but statues and most likely unpleasant memories. She could bring one of the adults, perhaps. If Onyx' reaction to making bagels was anything to go by, the mere sight of these things could give the Crystal ponies their shine back. Tsss... That hissing was starting to really bother Berry now. She looked around the floor for any snakes that might be slithering around, but found none. It wouldn't do to have any Crystal pony be bitten. She wasn't even sure if they had modern medicine. Her gaze fell on the statue again. The eyes of the thing were pretty lifelike, she had to admit. The proportions were all accurate, too. In fact, if she didn't know any better, she might have confused it for the real thing. It was only now that she realised why these statues looked so lifelike. "Oh, Sun, Moon and Stars, I'm such an idiot," Berry quickly put her arms around the things neck and started patting it. As soon as she laid a hoof on its surface, she felt the tell-tale throb of magic and pulse. Realisation hit her like an anvil. "You're not a statue, are you? You're alive in there. Can you see me, hear me?" "Tsss..." The statue hissed. Berry put a hoof in front of the thing's nose. She could feel the warm air passing through, but it was just a vague hint. There was no duct for the air to pass through, it was pure magic and memory keeping it going. "What? What's the matter?" "Thrrssst..." "What?" Berry leaned closer. "Thrrsstty..." Berry wasted no time getting her saddlebag open. "Oh, you are in luck, then, little filly. Taking care of thirst is what I'm good at. Here, try this." She put a vial of children's apple cider to the girl's lips and tipped it slightly. To her horror, though, it wouldn't go in. The stuff dribbled uselessly over the stone surface. "Sss-sry." "Don't worry about it, little girl, just drink as much as you can." A glimmer of life started washing over the girl. Her eyes slowly went from marble to a wetter-looking glassy substance, and her lips began to quiver as she tried to get some liquids into a body that wasn't there anymore. "Okay, good, that's it." "Can't muh-move..." the girl stammered. The changes stopped after reaching her eyes, leaving her stuck in her stone prison but, Berry feared, fully aware of the horror of her situation. "Don't worry, I'm here with Prince Shining Armour and Princess Cadence. They're helping to rebuild your home, they'll fix you right back up." "C-can't..." "Just stay awake, sweetie, keep drinking. I've got plenty more, doesn't matter if you spill a little." Berry kept trying to get the girl to drink, but she didn't have a throat to swallow with yet, but a stone pit in the inside of her mouth. "I wuh mumom..." With a sickening creek, the girl's petrified eyelids started closing, and a crystal tear formed on her face. Berry kept on patting, trying vainly to get the girl warmed up, to get some sensation through her petrified fur. "I can get your mom for you, sweetie. Everyone's back, they're waiting for you. Just keep drinking, you'll get out of this." "I can't..." The stone eyelids closed fully. "Just tell me your name, and I'll ask around and get your mom, I promise." "O-Opal Bloom." "See? You just gotta remember, and you'll get out in no time. King Sombra's not gonna hurt you anymore." The shock that went through the statue sent a jolt down Berry's arm. She flinched and withdrew, nursing her arm to get that awful cold numbness to go away. She felt her cutie mark glow as she did, and the pain subsided without a second thought. Not for Opal Bloom, though. "Opal Bloom?" Berry put her hoof back on the petrified girl. There was no throb now, no pulse, no hiss, nothing. The girl's face was wide-eyed, her jaw open in a suppressed scream of pain and terror. "Opal Bloom?" Berry patted the surface of the stone again. "Come on, sweetie, I know you're in there. You just have to remember." The stone remained still. Berryshine looked it in the eyes. "Okay, very funny. You really got me there. Now come on, just move. Any little thing, just remember. You can move if you remember." The stone remained still. Berryshine winced and tried to rest her ear where the girl's heart should be. Nothing. "A-are you thirsty? I've got more drinks for you to try. Here, some grapefruit juice." Berry held another bottle under the girl's nose. "No grapefruit? What about a little sip of wine, huh? Come on, have a sniff of this. That's some of the best herbal wine you'll ever taste. It'll get that blood flowing again." The statue didn't sniff. It didn't even breathe. "Please move?" Nothing. Berry let her head hang. She should have known. The very name of the old tyrant was enough to give pangs of migraine and amnesia to the adults. And just because she'd had to meddle in somepony else's affairs, she'd condemned a child to a lifeless stone prison. No breath, no pulse, even that vague sensation of a magical throb was gone. "I'm sorry, Opal Bloom. I'm so sorry." Wiping a tear off her face and groaning, Berry dragged herself up to her hooves. There were three more farms to check. From what she could tell, these were all fillies, so the boys had to be kept in one of the other buildings nearby. She just had to check where they were. She wouldn't touch any, wouldn't even speak. She wasn't going to kill another one. "Berry! Over here!" "Onyx? Oh my, you look so... shiny." Indeed, she did. The Crystal pony really lived up to the title now, her whole body alight with sparkles, and her very skin and organs seeming to have turned transparent. She looked like she was made of glass, and her hairstyle had changed somehow. She was also wearing what looked like a hat made by an arts and crafts pony, a hat that had 'Rarity Original' scribbled on the rim. The Elements of Harmony were famous for a long list of things. Subtlety was not among them. "I know, isn't it great? It's just like you said, those other ponies have shown up and they're holding a Crystal Fair. We've got Crystal berries, a petting zoo with ewes, corn on a cob, everything's alright again. I ran out of bagels, can you believe that? I'm sold out, and everypony's happy. I'm happy. I remember now, so do the others. What's the matter? Did you find..." "I found them." Berry nodded. "Four farms full of them, a couple hundred. I'm not sure if there'd be any more." "No, that's about what we had before," Onyx replied. "We were kind of a tourist spot, we never had a lot of natives in the city. Where are they, though? They should see the Fair." Berry sighed and took her friend to a street corner away from prying eyes and ears. "I, umm... I don't know how to tell you this." "What's wrong?" "They're turned to stone. All of them." Onyx' glow started to fade again. "Oh. But... Sombra's magic still works? But that's terrible." Berry could see that crystal mane start to deflate again. "Onyx, what's going on? You're losing your colour again." Onyx meekly shook her head and rubbed it to stave off the vertigo that was washing over her. "Oh, I remember now. That monster, he took our young and he-" "Hey, how about some corn on a cob?" Berry barely had time to blink before a blue shape shoved the Crystal pony aside and dragged her towards a stand closer to the tower. "Rainbow Dash, what is going on here? Are you... are you ponies seriously organising a Renaissance fair?" Rainbow sighed and chuckled nervously once Onyx was distracted and smiling and shining again. "Eheh, yeah. Twilight found this book that said the Crystal ponies use a Crystal Fair to recharge some Crystal Heart that'll protect the Empire." Berry's eyes were fixed on her Crystal pony friend. That's all it took, apparently: a corn on a cob. The worst news imaginable, a shock right down to the very core, and all it took was a corn on a cob to feel just fine. For a fleeting moment, Berry envied Onyx and her kind. But she had other concerns to deal with. "Huh. How does that work?" "I don't know, I think it's got something to do with them getting power from their traditions and the spirit of love and unity, mushy stuff like that. All I know is we gotta keep the Crystal ponies happy so they don't lose their shine. They need that to charge the Crystal Heart. So, umm, if you could maybe not do whatever you just did, that'd be great." "Right, sorry. It's just that I met Onyx before and she, umm, well, never mind. I'm sure that now you're here everything's going to be okay." "Berry." Rainbow put a hoof on the Earth pony's shoulder. "What's going on? Why did that Crystal pony start turning grey again?" Berryshine sighed. "Haven't you noticed there aren't any kids around?" Rainbow shrugged. "Of course I've noticed. But none of the Crystal ponies are worried about it, and Princess Cadence didn't mention anything." "Well, I know where they are. The kids, I mean. There's some sheep farms up on the slopes due north, that's where Sombra put them." "So why didn't you let them out?" "I..." Berry stopped the tears from coming when Opal Bloom's face flashed before her eyes. "They're statues, Rainbow Dash." "What do you mean, statues? Crystal ponies don't have statues for kids. At least, I don't think they do. And Sombra's magic got switched off." "Not all of it, Rainbow. Whatever he did to the kids, it's still on. They're all kept away, and they're all petrified, like Discord, or cockatrice magic." "Oh." Rainbow Dash winced in sympathy. "Wow, that's awful. Have you told anyone else about it?" "I was going to talk to Princess Cadence about it, or try and get some of the Crystal ponies over there so they can comfort their kids." Rainbow Dash flew up a notch and flailed her arms. "No, that's a bad idea." "Why?" She kept her voice down to a whisper, looking around for any eavesdroppers. "If they find out their kids have been turned to stone, that Sombra is still out there, and they can't do anything about it, then they might lose their sparkle. Twilight told us to keep the Crystal ponies happy. You can't scare them with something like that." Berry sighed. "Then what am I supposed to do?" "Let us take care of it. We're used to this sort of thing. Trust me, once that Crystal Heart thingie gets charged up again, they'll all come back to life." "You mean if they're still alive when they come out of it." "Why wouldn't they be? That's how it always is." A glimmer of hope shone through Berry's heart at that. Maybe she hadn't killed Opal Bloom after all. Or maybe she had and the Crystal Heart would bring the girl back to life anyway. That sort of thing did happen quite a lot when the magic of love, unity or friendship was involved. "I guess that's true. I think I'd still better check with Princess Cadence. You know, give her a status update." "Fine by me. Hey, you can drop by the jousting later, if you want. If you really wanna help, cheering should keep everypony's spirits lifted." Berry chuckled. "Maybe. I'll try." "Oh, and Berry?" "What?" Rainbow smiled. "Good job. None of us thought about finding the kids first." Berry chuckled nervously. "It's nothing, Rainbow Dash. You've got bigger things to worry about, that's all." She trotted further along, past the cider barrels and arts and crafts set up by the Elements of Harmony. To think it had come to this, though, that Equestria's heroes had to make a Fair to lift ponies' spirits. Beats having to deal with monsters, probably. She passed by the Crystal Heart, which was covered by a sheet, located dead centre of the tower's ground level, and guarded by Applejack. "Berta Rummy Moonshine, what are you doin' here?" she asked. "Got on the wrong train. Guarding the Crystal Heart?" "Err, yup, guardin' the Crystal Heart for the big reveal." Applejack nudged away some inquisitive Crystal ponies who came for a quick look. "Good. Wouldn't want it to get stolen." Berry just strode on past the mare towards the entrance. No sense getting sidetracked with stories about how they found the Heart, after all. She could take a wild guess: seeing as the magic was channelled through the land, the Heart must have been hidden farthest away from the land, or the ground, as possible. The only place it could have been hidden was the top of the highest tower of the Empire, which happened to be the one she was in now. That was how it was in faerie tales too, after all. Rainbow Dash had probably done a quick flyby and nabbed the thing, it was obvious. Although part of Berry did wonder if Twilight Sparkle wouldn't feel slightly jealous of her winged friend making things so easy. Not like the unicorn could really help it, without wings. That thought sent a shudder through her core. Twilight Sparkle with wings, what a nightmare that would be. Ponyville could barely keep up as it was. First thing Berry noticed when she entered the balcony room was Shining Armour. He was injured; black shrapnel lodged in his horn. She rushed over to him. "Oh, Deer Lords, what happened to you? You're hurt!" Shining shook his head and rubbed over his horn, wincing only as much as a military pony was allowed. "I'm fine, it's just a little bit of crystal." "But... can you still fight?" "No, my magic's pretty much blocked right now," he replied. "I can't recharge my shield anymore." "What about that thing outside?" "It's getting bigger, big enough to surround the city," Cadence said. It was only then that Berry noticed Cadence's state. Her mane had lost some of its lustre, her eyes looked bleary and her breath came in ragged. No wonder she'd moved out of the throne room and into the open. "Whoa. You don't look so good, either, Your Highness." "It's just Cadence, please. And don't worry, Twilight's on it. How've you been holding up?" "Umm, I told the Crystal ponies about the Elements of Harmony, so they wouldn't be scared." "Oh, good, you probably shaved off some precious minutes with that." Cadence chuckled weakly. "Did you make any new friends? We're going to have to start thinking about diplomacy once everything's back in order." Again, the image of poor Opal Bloom flashed through her mind. But she wasn't entirely convinced of her own failure now, that was an improvement. "Sure, I think a couple of Crystal ponies know my name now. Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." "What's the matter, Berry?" Shining Armour asked. "Umm, I found the children of the Empire." "The children?" Cadence asked. "Yes, the Crystal foals. I didn't see any out in the streets, so I went looking. They're all penned up in sheep farms up on the north side of town." Cadence flashed a bright smile at that, belying her weakened state. "That's great. Did you manage to get them out?" "Uh, no. They're turned to stone." Shining frowned. "Well, petrification magic's pretty complicated, but it can't be that hard to undo. How many of them are petrified?" "All of them. Hundreds." Cadence winced. "Oh. That's awful. Why would anyone do something like that to innocent children?" "Scare tactic, probably," Shining said. "It's a lot easier to enslave ponies if you have leverage, saves up magical power so you don't have to control their minds all the time. Less food wasted on ponies that are too small for hard labour, too. But, Berry, are the kids safe, at least? There's no damage to the stones? No erosion?" "No, they're fine, as far as I can tell. They're just statues. I tried to wake one up, but I think I..." She felt something catch in her throat. "You what, Berry?" Cadence asked. "The girl was trying to get something to drink. She was starting to come out of it, move again and everything but then she... she snapped back when she heard Sombra's name. And then there was nothing. No moving, no magic pulse, not even a little. I felt a pulse even when she wasn't moving before, and then after, she... I think I might have killed her." Shining shrugged. "Don't worry about it. Magic like that can be fixed, and the Crystal Heart can bring her back to life. It'll bring them all to life." "How are you so sure about that?" "That's how it works," Cadence replied. "Love magic, like mine, and the Crystal Heart's, restores life. That's probably why Sombra tried to take over in the first place: find out how the Crystal Heart works, use it to sustain himself." Berry's Common Sense tingled again. "Wouldn't something with that much good magic, I don't know, hurt evil magic?" "Not if he can touch it," Shining explained. "Spells lose power at long range, but when you touch an artefact, it can heal you, or you can corrupt it. That's the theory, at least." "Then Sombra will be trying to get his hooves on the Crystal Heart again, heal up on it." "Probably," Shining replied. "But we've got that covered now. Besides the one you think you hurt, are the others all okay?" "Yes, really, I checked. Every stall, every statue I could find was still in one piece, pristine, even. But I was wondering what I'm supposed to do with them and their parents. I mean, Twilight and her friends are doing this Crystal Fair thing now?" "It's to recharge their magic artefact with love and harmony," Cadence said. "That'll keep the Empire safe, and banish Sombra. Or destroy whatever's left of him." "Uhuh. And it's giving the Crystal ponies their memories back, right?" "Right." Berry's Common Sense really fired up now. "Then why aren't there any parents looking for their children right now? Shouldn't they remember? Shouldn't they worry?" Cadence rose up with a force of will and rubbed her undoubtedly pounding head. "Berryshine, try to understand. My magic isn't going to give the Crystal ponies their magic back, it's just a little patch. They'll only get their sparkle back once the Crystal Heart is recharged, then they'll remember and keep remembering. But right now, if they start panicking or worrying, they'll go back to being empty, like before. Right now, any Crystal pony who remembers their child will pop back and forget they had children in the first place." "Oh, of course. So what's the plan, then? Wait for enough Crystal ponies to get their power back, and fire the Heart once Sombra shows his face again?" "Yes," Cadence replied. "That's the whole plan." "Well, excuse me, Princess, but that sounds like a terrible plan. You just said there's gigantic shadow of doom closing in on the Empire, and the only thing the heroes of Equestria are doing is organising a Renaissance fair that's not even a real Renaissance fair because the Renaissance happened five hundred years after these guys vanished." She only now realised what that really meant. "They're doing a Naissance fair, for crying out loud!" "What else is there?" Shining asked. "Oh, I don't know, maybe the Elements of Harmony could bring in, just a thought, the Elements of Harmony. You keep saying so yourself, this whole place thrives on love and harmony and it's the only thing that'll stop the bad guy outside. Why not just break out the old Rainbow Laser of Friendship and be done with it?" "We don't know if that would work," Shining argued. "That could blow up the whole Empire." "Sombra obviously didn't blow up the whole Empire when he was in charge, and he did it worse. And evil-y." Cadence let out a weary gust of a sigh. "Berry, listen, I appreciate you taking initiative, I really do, and I'm glad you found the children. You did a good thing. But banishing King Sombra and protecting the Empire is our responsibility, and we will take care of it." "Pardon my candour, Your Royal Highnesses, but that's not good enough. Have you looked at yourselves in the mirror lately? You look like Death needing a drink and your husband looks like he took a shrapnel grenade in the face. And meanwhile, the only ones who have any firepower around here left their firepower back home. How is that taking care of it?" "Berryshine, please. I know this looks a little bit bleak, but we have a plan, and it's a good one. The Crystal Empire can't rely on the Elements of Harmony to protect it, because if it did, the Crystal ponies might lose the power of the Crystal Heart altogether. That's not even mentioning this is still technically a foreign nation, and the Elements of Harmony are, technically, magical artefacts that some ponies might consider weapons of war. We really don't want to end up on the wrong page of the history books here." Berry snorted. "If you say so." "Look, I understand you're upset, honest. I've been where you are now, and I know it's not a nice place, being powerless to help when things are going wrong around you." There, Berry had to admit, the Princess had a fair point. "But the best thing you can do for the children right now is to help find a sustainable solution. And that means keeping the Crystal ponies, the adults, happy, by reminding them of their traditions and lifting their spirits so their magic can protect them again." "Uhuh. Because charging the Crystal Heart will protect them." "Exactly." "And they'll charge it with their sense of identity and tradition. Their sense of self, that spirit of love and unity only Crystal ponies have." "Correct." Berryshine would have rolled her eyes at the idea, and she had a perfect rebuttal, she truly did, but the situation still did not call for it. Cadence was obviously exhausted, Shining Armour looked like he was getting annoyed with this uppity tag-along, and arguing any more wouldn't help anyone, least of all the children. "Okay, then. So we'll leave the kids where they are?" "They're probably safer where they are, yes. At least for now. You did good, Berry, you can relax at the Fair. Join the crowds, I'm sure they'll appreciate another Equestria pony there." Cadence forced out another gentle smile, not so much forced because she wasn't being genuine but from the sheer effort it took to hold it up. Berry nodded and smiled back. "Okay. And I'll go looking for that chocolate oil again." A tiny flash of surprise washed over the alicorn's face, but it was quickly eclipsed by a broader smile. "Yes, please do. One of the Crystal ponies is bound to remember it by now." Berryshine turned and trotted off. "I guess I'll go watch the jousting, then, ask around there." "You do that. And don't worry: we have everything under control!" Berry rolled her eyes once she was out of sight. "Sure you do." She sighed when she reached the bottom of the stairs. "Princess Cadence wasn't angry with you, was she?" Applejack asked when she saw Berry's sunken mood. "No, no, just a little difference in philosophy, you know how it goes." "Sure do. Hey, were you the one that told the Crystal ponies we'd be comin', by any chance?" "Hmm? Yeah, that was me. Seemed like the sensible thing to do." "Good thinkin', you saved us a lot of time." Berry nodded. "What's the matter?" Applejack walked beside her friend and business partner. After all, Berry wasn't an Apple, but she was in the business of food and drink, something Applejack regarded as highly as most ponies regarded knights. "Oh, nothing, just... you're all here, saving the Empire, and me, I just got on the wrong train. Or, actually, I got on the right train, it was just hijacked for a royal mission. I shouldn't be here at all. You're heroes, I'm just getting in the way, even if I think I'm doing it right." Applejack snorted. "Aww, shucks, Berryshine, don't go gettin' all emotional now. You know as well as I do that me and my friends make mistakes just like anypony else. Only difference between you and me is a necklace and a royal order, and I ain't wearin' my necklace." "Suppose that's true. Still feels weird, though." "Well, then you'd better not let any Crystal ponies notice. These fellers have got a hair trigger for their magic, any little thing can set'em off for good or bad." "Yeah, I've noticed. I'll be at the jousting, then, try to lift their spirits a little. It all sounds so silly, though." "That's 'coz it is, but you know how the story goes: magic is as magic does. If that's what's gotta happen for these guys to get their home back in order, it's gotta happen." Berry sighed and went off towards the jousting ring. "Yup, it's gotta happen. At least you don't have to go looking for that Crystal Heart, right?" Applejack clenched her jaw, thankfully unseen by Berry. "Yeah, else we'd be in a mighty pickle..."