//------------------------------// // Canterlot 1-25 // Story: Things Ponies Can't Do or How To Lessen Paperwork // by Sonic Raynboom //------------------------------// Quick Wit marched out of his office, smiling happily and levitating a large scroll behind him. He looked out over all the ponies assembled before him and began his prepared speech. "Now, I'm sure you're all wondering why I have called you here. I have called you here because my paperwork has become a monster that has had to be banished to Tartarus twice. I don't want it to happen for a third time, and believe me it's getting close, so I'm taking preemptive measures. This scroll is a list of twenty-five things nopony can do. Is that clear?" he asked, looking up at the congregated ponies. They responded in the affirmative. "Excellent." Quick Wit said. "Now, let's begin. "Rule one: Stop trying to sue the bearers of the Elements of Harmony for ruining the Grand Galloping Gala. The Princess herself has pardoned them. "Two: Blueblood, I'm not going to change your name to Prince Blueblood the High, Mighty, and Chivalrous. Also, stop trying to sue the Element of Generosity, Rarity. "Three: Pompous, having your tea chilled at two degrees Fahrenheit above regulation is not grounds for razing the restaurant to the ground. "Four: Neither is having powdered sugar instead of granulated sugar on your croissant. "Five: It is impossible to sue the ground for getting dirt on your hooves, Pompous. "Six: I'm not going to approve your movement to destroy all trees to prevent falling leaves, Pompous. If we did that, we wouldn't have oxygen. "Seven: Pompous, I want you to look at your requests for a moment, think about whether they are reasonable, or even possible, and if they aren't, don't send them in. Alright? "Eight: Pompous, if a filly pokes you, tell her not to. Don't ignore her, and then complain to me about it. "Nine: The Grand Galloping Gala is coming up, and we all want it to go well. So treat the Element Bearers like you would an especially high ranking noble, who if she leaves us, will result in our nation becoming overrun with changelings, chaoticed by Discord, and who knows what else. "Ten: Green Hooves, I'd like you to make sure you're a hoof if the Element of Kindness, Fluttershy, is in the garden. Prevent a repeat of last year. "Eleven: Nopony bother Celestia so she has plenty of time to spend with the Element of Magic and the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle. "Twelve: I'm not sure if the Element of Generosity, Rarity, will still be looking for a prince after how Blueblood acted, but just in case, all male single high ranking nobles be prepared to act like a breezie tale prince. Also, Hoity Toity, promote her designs. "Thirteen: Everypony buy the Element of Honesty, Applejack's, food. It'll probably be a small cart labelled Sweet Apple Acres. "Fourteen: Wonderbolts, make sure to spend time with the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash. "Fifteen: Just go along with whatever the pink one wants. "Sixteen: Try your absolute hardest to give the Elements of Harmony the best night ever. "Seventeen: Discord is coming to the Gala." At this, there was a gasp of horror from the assembled ponies. Voices cried out from the crowd. "HE'S COMING! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" "He'll ruin the gala!" "Oh, the equinity!" "AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!" "It'll be the worst night ever!" "EVERYPONY CALM DOWN!" Quick Wit roared. The crowd quieted instantly. "Thank you," Quick Wit said. "Now, as I was saying, the primordial manifestation of chaos, Discord, will be attending the Gala. However, the Element of Kindness will keep a leash on him. I mean that figuratively, not literally. Just don't annoy him. We don't want to poke that Ursa Major. "Eighteen: Don't try to cut in the line for Day Court. "Nineteen: If you're so annoyed with the line for Day Court, go to Night Court. I have been assured that Princess Luna is fully up to date on modern laws. "Twenty: If you see Princess Luna, the appropriate response is to bow, not to scream Nightmare Moon and run away. That kind of behavior just makes a relapse more likely. "Twenty one: Transporting bits by stagecoach is an idiotic plan. Why did you submit it, anyway? We have a secure plan to transport bits in place. Also, who submitted this? There was no signature. "Twenty two: Not transporting bits by ice cream truck, either, No-Signature. "Twenty three: Or wagon. "Twenty four: We need four more ponies for the Gala commitee, but by decree of Princess Celestia, Blueblood can't join. "Twenty five: If you see a pony that looks like you, is pretending to be you, and you don't have a prankster identical twin, make sure they aren't a method actor playing you in an upcoming play before assuming that they're a changeling. "That's all for today. I have plenty more rules, but if I announced them all right now, we'd be here for a year and a day. Go on home, everypony." Quick Wit waved happily as the crowd dispersed. He trotted back into his office with a spring in his step, confident that tomorrow would bring less paperwork. Oh how wrong he was.