//------------------------------//
// Cold Equations 
// Story: A Joke Gone Too Far 
// by Nivarion 
//------------------------------//

	Twilight switched the cold compress to her other eye, knocking the large hat Rarity had gifted her to the floor again. She was pouring over hundreds of ancient records and documents about the Alicorn Curse. Every detail about dozens of the 'Curse Day's' as well as every minutia of Celestia and Luna's lives for years. What they ate, what they wore, how many injuries they sustained on the cursed days, the temperature of all the days of the following years. 

Twilight stood, dusted off the hat and placed it back on her head. It had probably been a day since the curse had acted up. Time Turner was probably the only pony in town who knew exactly, what all with his talent for time. Celestia had burned herself out when she had been struck by lightening at the raising of the sun, and Luna... Twilight shook her head, Luna had somehow made an impossible teleport, even for an Alicorn, and was stuck on the moon. Or so said the letter she sent through Spike. It was going to be three days at least before Twilight, Cadance and Celestia were ready to bring her back. With three Alicorns unable to move the sun or moon, and Cadance not being strong enough to do it on her own; The Celestial bodies had been stationary for too long now. 

Celestia had shown concern when Twilight had asked for every piece of information on the curse. And going over it again, Twilight could see why it was a problem. The curse didn't happen on the same day of any year. And the interval between them was inconsistent, varying between three years and, once, sixty days. There seemed to be no correlation between any of the events, though the interval had been shorter when Luna had been banished. The sixty day gap was of interest, but the only thing unusual about that year had been the war campaign Celestia had lead, and the late spring after. But the war fought four years later had had no effect on the curse, and five years after that was the coldest since Hearths Warming, and it was almost three years until the next one. 

Twilight was going over every detail again when the bell rang, announcing a patron of the library was entering. Thankful for the distraction she looked up at the mass of approaching books balanced on Time Turner's back. "Oh! Hey, how are you?" she asked. "Still just flipping through them?" 

He nodded. "But not all. Been reading to Dinky and she needs me to slow down. Though that's dreadfully boring. How can normal ponies stand to read so slow?" he said, depositing the pile on the return counter. Twilight grinned and forced herself not to roll her eyes. The local clock maker claimed he could read an entire book in seconds by flipping through its pages a couple of times. He was obviously well read, but it seemed off putting to her that a married stallion would be trying to impress her so. "So what's new in here?" he asked, picking up an unmarked book and flipping through it. "Oh that's interesting. Derpy would love that one." he said, throwing it on his back. 

"Oh, just trying to solve a thousand year old puzzle." Twilight said, looking back at the piles of old books Celestia had mailed to her. "But I think I see why it's been sitting around for so long." 

"Really what- Oh my! Your face? What happened?" Time Turner said, approaching the table. 

Twilight rolled her eyes, but he probably didn't see that with one being covered and the other swollen. "Luna and Celestia pulled some dumb prank of Star Swirl the Bearded a long time ago and he cursed all Alicorns with terrible luck one day out of a variable period." Twilight said. "Since I'm an Alicorn now I got to participate." she said before adding a flat "yay." 

"Oh yeah, I remember that. They dressed up like Daleks and scared the  life out of him. Wait that curse is still going?" he said, eyebrows knitting. "I thought it was broken already. I mean it's not that complicated. The next one happens on a function of the average number of injuries sustained by all Alicorns multiplied by the average temperature in centegrade of their plots on the following April the First; with the output being days. You'd think in fourteen hundred years they'd have figured that one out by now." 

Twilight blinked and looked at the numbers again. During the short cycle Celestia had been at campaign, in the field on a snowy April first, the longest year Celestia had been in Saddle Arabia during the First. It looked terribly plausible. "But- how in the wide world of Equestria is anypony supposed to figure that out?" Twilight asked "How the buck did you figure it out?" she said pointing. 

Time Turner's eyes went wide before he regained his composure. "Twilight, my special talent is time, mathematics and machinery. And uh, I studied this once before. If I had known you'd have been affected by it, I would have told them how to break it. You're too nice a pony to have to deal with this." 

Twilight's mouth scrunched. "And Celestia's not?" 

TT grinned. "Celestia has a mean streak. She certainly loves to troll a pony or two. She had it coming." he shrugged. "I think I'm going to pass on checking anything out today. You have a nice day Twilight." he put the book back on the counter gently and began to walk towards the door. 

Twilight's mind raced a moment. "Wait!" She said. "Time Turner, this is going to sound crazy.... Okay, you know what. Never mind, I just heard myself in my own head, and yeah, it's reaaaly crazy."

He grinned. "That's not terribly new. But just ask anyways." 

Twilight took a deep breath, ignoring the barb, he was a pony who had a way of needling information he wanted out of you, so she had to tell him. He also was the type of pony to figure out what you were going to say well before you said it. "Uh, okay, I know it's crazy, but... Are you- uh, are you Star Swirl the Bearded?" 

His laugh was almost too quick. "Nah, now that is crazy. I mean, I'd have to be a centuries old shape shifting alien with an odd physiology- like say, having two hearts;  to be Star Swirl. And that's just silly. Have a good day, Miss Sparkle." and with a little skip he was gone, leaving Twilight very puzzled. 

"what an odd stallion." she said to herself, before turning to check his theory.
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Several months later, on April the First, in the year of 1002 Reign of Celestia, or year 1652, Reign of the Two Sisters, or as it would later be referred to, The Second Year of Redemption, one would be able to see an odd sight outside the Crystal empire. Just a short mile from the gleaming walls of the beautiful city was a block of ice ten feet tall, fifteen feet wide and twenty feet long. But what's interesting about a block of ice? Nothing really, that's what. But for reasons that outsiders would never truly understand, five enormously powerful beings gathered around this block. 

Celestia, Luna, Cadance and Twilight all shot a dirty scowl at Discord, before all four of them blinked in surprise at the flash of a camera he had just conjured. "I really must save this moment forever." he said to nopony in particular. "I mean, i have heard ponies complain about freezing their plot of, but this? I mean, Celly, good old princess Sunbutt herself." he broke up laughing. "I always knew you were cold ass honkey." he roared in laughter at his own awful pun. 

He conjured a box of popcorn and began munching, reclining in a floating chair with a cup of Coco on the side, and a hot water bottle obviously under his posterior. The four Alicorns grit their teeth at his constant badgering, which had started not long after sun up. "Hey Luna, why did the mare look behind her?" he asked, but didn't wait for a response "To make sure she hadn't frozen her plot off!" he laughed again. 

"That's it. I'm killing him." Cadance said, standing up, only to be grabbed by three magical auras at once and forced back into sitting as the three other mares shouted "No!" all at once. "Let me at him!" Cadance shouted, firing off a magical  bolt that bent around the god of chaos. "Yes my pretties!" he said, throwing popcorn at them. "Fight for my amusement!" 

"You know- y-yu-you're going to p-p-pay f-f-f-f-or this latter?" Luna asked. 

"Yes well, that's future Discord's problem. Oh, I just thought of one!" he announced, floating closer to the four fuming mares. "What do you get from sitting on ice for too long?" he paused "Polar-oids!" Discord began a howling laughter while slapping his knees as the four of them groaned. "Polar-oids. You know, I combined Polar with Hemeroids! It's funny!" 

It was going to be a long wait till midnight.