//------------------------------//
// The Hunt Begins 
// Story: Doctor Quack Under Duress 
// by arcanelexicon 
//------------------------------//

	It was a wonderful day in Ponyville, and for the first time since being stuck here, I was actually enjoying the warm summer sun, the cool, gentle breeze, and the overabundance of colors around me. It was a wonderful feeling indeed, and I decided to walk around the lake near Ponyville and just enjoy the view.

I stepped out of the rebuilt library-slash-treehouse-slash-clinic-slash-yadda yadda-slash-whatever else it’s supposed to be called and feasted at the sight before me. I saw a couple of ponies wave at me, wishing me a good day, and I smiled and waved back at them. Surely this was a wonderful day.

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths of cool, clean, crisp air. When I opened my eyes, I was taken aback by what I saw. In front of me was what looked to be the entire Equestrian Army, composed of numerous battalions of Solar Guards, Batponies, Crystal Guards, and Twilight’s Royal Army (a.k.a. Sir Spike, Hero of the Crystal Empire, protector of fair Rarity, and some other titles we made up when we got drunk). Leading them was none other than Twilight’s B.B.B.F.F., the Captain of the Royal Guard, and Princess Cadence’s husband, Shining Armor. 

There were a million questions in my head, and I asked, what to me, was the most important of them all. “How’d you all get here so fast?”

“We had Pinkie Pie train us for emergencies such as this” replied Shining Armor.

Never ever question the Pink One if you know what’s good for you. “I see. So, what did I do wrong? It must have been pretty bad since they sent every damned soldier in Equestria after me.”

With a sheepish grin, Shining Armor replied “Well, actually, Spike was supposed to be the only one to escort you. However, I was there when the letter popped up, and I thought that it would be a good idea to organize SOME members of the military and have them trained for human escort and capture duties. What I didn’t expect was that a lot of them would show up on such short notice.” 

“So, it’s a game of ‘Capture the Human’” I replied coolly.

Shining armor nodded his head.

I sighed. “I was afraid it would come to this. Be warned though. We humans are not as helpless as you think we are.”

I started recalling what I learned from the various masters that I have trained under. In my life back on earth, I had trained on numerous kung fu techniques focusing on Tai Chi, Wudang, and Shaolin Kung Fu. I placed my palms together in a praying position. I was the calm before the storm, and I felt sorry for the ponies that would face my wrath. 

I shouted at the top of my voice. “Witness the greatest martial arts technique known to man! Witness the fearsome fighting technique of........” I took a deep breath, ready to unleash my fury. “THE CHEETAH!” and I turned around and ran as fast as I could. 

With the first step, I realized that there was no way to outrun the ponies, and if even if I was able to hide, they would still find me and I’d probably be in deeper trouble than I was right now.

With the second step, it dawned on me that I’d just give myself a heart attack.

I stopped myself on the third step, turned around and raised my arms and told them that I was surrendering. I was surprised by the sounds of moping, whines, aww’s, and I swear I could hear a sad trombone playing somewhere amongst their midst. I looked at the army in front of me, and I saw a sea of sad faces, with some ponies looking at me with teary eyed, puppy dog eyes. It should have been a crime against the universe for something to be this sickeningly cute. I looked at Shining Armor and asked him what the problem was.  I was sure that he was blushing.

“Well, you see, we were kind of hoping that you’d resist or something” he said awkwardly.

I facepalmed and told him that I’d only play along if the entire army was composed of mares. He smiled, and I saw his horn shimmer for a moment and then he released a spell into the air, dispelling the illusionary magic that made every guard look the same.  What lay before me was thousands of mares, who were now looking excited for what was about to happen.

I sighed once again. I might as well get this over with. With a grand pose I pointed to the sea of mares in front of me, and did my best evil impersonation. “YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT THIS EVIL HUMAN! I AM SO EVIL THAT MY EVILNESS IS THE MOST EVIL OF ALL!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID AND NO ONE CAN STOP MY EVIL SCHEME!! ATTACK ME IF YOU DARE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-“

My evil reign of terror ended when all the ponies piled on me and cuddled me. I blacked out not from the crushing weight (who knew ponies would not weigh anything at all when they cuddlepile you?) but from the sheer absurdity of my situation.